dbj4190

So I'm in the program and in treatment and I also just finished my 4th step! I am getting a lot of tools from working the steps, my sponsor and treatment and I've been putting a lot of these to good use to head in the right direction!!!

No here is my problem. I am having such a hard time forgiving myself for being a tornado while drinking (as big book says) I keep looking at the destruction I have caused now that the dust Is settling (me being sober) I can't believe what all I've done! So I'm stuck on forgiving myself and I know I need too cause if I don't I have a chance on relapsing!

So my question ilia have any of you gone through this and if so what were some of the things you tried or did to forgive yourself?

Dbj

MemphisBlues

That's a tough one. Three years sober here and I still am plagued with fouled relationships due to my drinking and drugging.

I think this is one of the cornerstones of AA recovery, that Step 8 and 9 business, which many of us balk at.

In fact talking about amends is one of the sticky points of the program. I remember talking to someone I admired in the program about Step 9, and she shared how it took several years to make a final amend -- paying off library fines from graduate school.

My amends are a bit grander than that.

I just have to give myself a break, and I ask a higher power for the ability to forgive others so that I too may be forgiven.

Still racked with guilt here. But I concentrate heavily every day on not creating new wrongs. I take solace in that. Ever day.

FreeOwl

do you have a sponsor?

It seems to me that the 4th step identifies all those things we need to admit to ourselves....

and 5th step is where we work on forgiveness.... I think that part of forgiving yourself is actually taking those steps. Acting on what you've acknowledged allows you to move into a space of being able to look yourself in the eye and say "I've done all I can, and I am ready to move on being the best person I can from here on out.... I forgive me".

note; these are just my impressions, as I'm still working step 4...

But, I HAVE done a similar forgiveness exercise in the past, not in the context of a 12 step program and not having to do with drinking at all - and what worked for me in forgiving myself was going through the process of facing the ugly things I was ashamed of, accepting that I had done them and no longer wanted to be that person, owning up to it with God and another human.... then asking for forgiveness.

I actually made a list, and did a little ceremony out in the desert where I burned the list and, at sunrise... climbed a hill and asked "Please, Spirit, Forgive me" as I spread the ashes.

Right as I did that, the evening went from dead calm to a strong breeze, carrying those ashes away as I cried and felt free....

I think the specifics of HOW you go about that process are less important and simply taking some action to go through it is what allows you to finally forgive yourself.

dbj4190

Thank you both for the responses!!! I really appreciated!

FreeOwl - I do have a sponsor and been working with a Chaplin where I'm getting treatment and they are giving great tools to use! But I'm thinking maybe I need to do try something similar to what you've done!

Thanks again you guys!!!

Inca

The first time I went through the steps I had a hard time forgiving myself too. Doing amends in step 9 helped a ton. To hear people say that they forgive me and even have them reach out to me now is just wonderful and was a huge weight off my shoulders. I felt so much lighter.

I'm going through the steps a second time after a relapse and I have a couple of amends to do. Again I feel very guilty about how I acted while drinking and all of the chaos I caused other people. I'm hoping that I can clear up my part in my interactions in the next few weeks. I'm thankful that I know there is a solution and can eventually forgive myself and move forward. This is part of the promises of AA. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I've experienced it before and I look forward to it this time.

wpainterw

dbj: Among the significant things about alcoholism is that it's not a mere behavior disorder, like some folks have thought traditionally and in the old days. It's not merely "being bad". It's an illness, like diabetes. Some folks just can't drink alcohol. When they do the body and the mind just run wild and as it goes on the former "self" just starts to wither away. Forgive your "self"? It's your "self" that was being rotted away, eaten away and would be eventually destroyed by alcohol. Your "self" has been terribly damaged and is just now starting to heal. It should not be blamed. It should be understood and nourished back. The last thing it needs is to be beaten up over this, a sort of mea culpa. No, what you need is to nurture yourself back to health, get back some self respect. And as you continue in sobriety this will come. And you will feel proud at having recovered from one of the most terrible and dangerous illnesses known to medicine. Congratulations on making a fine start on the road back!

W.

freshstart57

Indeed, WPW. Self empowerment is a wondrous thing to see in action from we who believed ourselves to be powerless.

safe2breathe

keep working the steps.

Anna

I think it's great that you know you must forgive yourself or risk relapse. Forgiving yourself is a necessary part of recovery, but I do know from personal experience that it's one of the hardest things I've done. And, for me, it didn't happen all at once. It happened slowly and in stages. And, remember forgiving yourself doesn't mean that you don't care about what happened and what you did. Not at all. It means that you see yourself as a human being who made mistakes and who learned and moved on.

EndGameNYC

Helping other people never fails.

KateL

For me, it was absolutely imperative to forgive myself if I wanted to reamin sober. Helping others is such a help too, even if it's to simply talk to people on here x

ImperfectlyMe

We've all done wrongs and we've all done right. Sometimes when we are too hard on ourselves it's best to talk to yourself as if your someone else. I don't mean this schizophrenically . What I mean is think about what you'd tell that lost girl that struck you so profoundly at your meeting! (Your other post struck me and i could see kindness in you) What would you tell her if she asked you how she should forgive herself.

It's far easier for some of us to best ourselves up emotionally before others get the chance to. You've changed your life and perspective future, now free yourself of holding that anger you stuff inside of yourself.

dbj4190

Thank you Imperfectlyme that was very helpful!