GreenBottles

friends and family who care about you always seem to ignore your drinking when you are drinking (pretend that its not there for sake of trying to have a happy conversation) to then when you have stopped drinking they feel now is the time to start attacking you about drinking.

I ask my mother, "Can you do me a favour and just dont mention drinking? I am not drinking but when you mention it I start thinking about it"

But she wont respect that request. She will mention it almost every single time. Or she might say, "Its wonderful to hear you focused and not drinking, you know Jake that if you simply dont drink that you will be successful"

It doesnt matter if I ask her to please remember not to mention it and to pretend it never existed, that its part of my psychology to leave the past.
Nope, she keep mentioning it. Like now that I have stopped drinking I now go to prison of everyone mentioning my drinking.

Hawkeye13

They will get tired of it GB--

I expect that's your mom's way of trying to "be supportive" but unless
you've been there with an addiction, you really don't "get it" and sometimes
your help is just not helpful. Sometimes it is how they confirm
for themselves that you are still on the wagon.

If you can, let it go. If you just don't respond at all to any of them,
they will stop commenting as sobriety becomes your normal way of being

Nonsensical

Also keep in mind that the newly sober are commonly irritable and sensitive. Minor issues would really p!$$ me off the first few weeks!

Like Hawkeye said - almost everyone wants to be helpful. Not everyone is good at it.

Congrats on keeping it going. It will get better!

GreenBottles

thanks for the insights.

22NGONE

Mom's can be funny with their reactions to our sobriety sometimes. I've been sober for a while now and my Mom never fails to try and offer me a drink or tell me I'm not an Alcoholic. I "just go to those meetings because I like my friends there"... I suppose if there is something wrong with me that somehow makes her a failure in her mind. IDK but I will tell you that what she thinks or says doesn't affect my decision not to drink each and every day.

FreeOwl

I notice that I'm overly-defensive about the subject when I'm sober.... but I'm trying to work on being less so.

I think that part of my desire NOT to talk about it is that I'm still carrying shame. I don't want to be reminded of the things that I've done wrong. I don't want to be reminded as being "different". I don't want to FEEL like a 'bad person'.

But I recognize that within that is a danger.... I think it's why steps 4 and 5 are so important; because until I am prepared to accept, confront, try to move beyond and 'settle up' with the world - whether my Mom or just my SELF - then I remain at risk of relapse because there is unresolved shame.

Also, I think it's important to be sensitive to the fact that those who love us have their own processing to do. We want them to just flip a switch and believe in our sobriety - but we've done and said and been things that have been really scary, hurtful or mean to and around them. THEY are also 'in recovery'. They're recovering from living life with an alcoholic loved one.... so part of my journey, I've realized, is trying to be compassionate and understanding and even when I get annoyed - trying to remember that they've loved and supported me in some really awful times and that they have healing to do as well.

sugarbear1

"I thank you for noticing, mom!"

then change the topic.

Appease mom, she's been worrying about you for a long time.

Hugs,
~SB

Inca

She may be trying to celebrate your successes. This is very important early on. It will get old for people after awhile. I agree that just thanking her for noticing and then changing the subject if you're uncomfortable is a good way to handle it.

Notimetoloose

Sometimes the past needs some time to be the past.

Family and I think especially Mums and partners are witness to their loved ones decline from drinking.
and this can make them feel helpless and traumatised.

I am pretty sure the last thing your Mum would want is to make you feel like drinking again. I agree with SB, just a simple acknowledgement and move on to new topic.

Give your Mum time, she will soon start to see as you rack the days up, that you have got this.

pattyj

I moved back home when I first got sober to get out of an abusive relationship. My Dad wanted to sit down and have daily chats about drinking. Not really what I did in the past but how I can stay sober and how other people are stupid when they drink and so on. I had to bite my tongue for the most part. He didn't really know what else to talk about and I think that my parents needed to adjust to my being sober almost as much as I did. They were no longer mad at me or worried or stressed. It's an adjustment period. They did eventually get tired of talking about it and now it's in the past. Good luck, it is annoying but they will move on as well.

Thepatman

It you tell her to stop and explain it's hurting your feelings and she keeps going that's disrespect.

Specially if this a trigger for you, I would not tolerate it.

I'm sure you have dealt with enough guilt like most of us already for a lifetime.

FreeOwl

recently my Mom was wanting to talk to me about it too... I found myself getting annoyed....

So I told her that I was feeling annoyed, and I told her the things that I was feeling annoyed about in the way she approached talking about it.

But I also told her I understood she needed to talk about it, and I hoped we could find a balance between her needs and my needs and find ways and times to discuss that would serve BOTH of our needs.

When I approached it that way, she was really understanding and I felt better about hearing her and I think it wound up a pretty big win-win that in the long run is going to be a mark in the positive column in supporting my sobriety.