Lewis73

Wasn't going to start a new thread until she was gone...But I appreciate that's 10 days away and it may be useful to document how that goes. Both for me, and anyone about to split from a drinker.

Once she has left, I'll start afresh.

For anyone that missed the first thread (and doesn't have all day to read it ) my situation is simple enough...

Together 21 years, married 13, 4 kids. Wife has been drinking for 3 years.
6 months ago I was prepared to do anything to save her, she was the love of my life and it was all going wrong. Since then her continued decent into alcoholic hell, a selfish despair and other men's beds means I feel somewhat different!

The love of my life died, which is so sad - because she was incredible. However, I'm left with a drunk in the house and that's not sad....it's annoying. She's like a tramp...only she has a key


So...onwards...

I think the next 10 days will be ok. She has 3 primary goals/feelings:

She hates me/feels I abuse her mentally/wants to be away from me
She wants to drink
She wants to not want to drink

So she should leave quite easily...it gets her away from me, allows her to drink and allows her to focus on not drinking.

She has already approached her private detox people about MORE drugs to get her through a home detox - no doubt they'll say yes for the 6th time...its another £1000 in their pocket!

So I am quite ready for the emotional hurt that may come from seeing her get "clean" just because she has gone....but I must ignore that. It's not real clean until she is saying sorry to our kids for what she has done to us all. And her hurt will be so much greater - knowing that the house she walked from is now happy with ALL our kids in it.

So, roll on the 20th! D Day! (D for "done with all that nonsense"!)

FeelingGreat

Hi Lewis, thinking of you in the next 10 days. It will be emotional for you and the children, but I hope it helps your wife to sobriety.

Lewis73

For my kids...I hope they end up with a mum that is sober.

For me, my wife died around mid december.

There's a great scene in the George Cloony film The Descendants...his wife is in a comma and about to die, just prior he found out she cheated on him. He has to say his goodbye while all the mixed up emotions of guilt and anger and sorrow are consuming him. He hates her, loves her, misses her...knows she has to go.

When I found out my wife cheated I returned to our bed, where she was asleep still....I hugged her and whispered I loved her. At the time I couldnt get my head round why I was doing that to someone who stank who booze and had ruined my life.

Know I realise I was saying goodbye - she may as well have been in a comma.

feeling-good

Lewis - your wife is in there somewhere, I promise. Whether you will ever meet her again, I cannot say. I am right beside you as you go through all of this

Lewis73

Maybe it's just me...but I don't think she is.

She may get sober - but she isn't the person I knew, never will be.

Pamel

Oh Lewis, she is in there, but alcohol (and addiction) are terrible thieves of what we should guard the most: ourselves. Without our self being intact we have nothing, and have nothing to give. Without belaboring this as you have already heard enough from me…

You are right to move on.
Find it in your heart to forgive.
Read Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

I am praying (in my own way) for your kids, you and…your wife. It is a horrible affliction.

JustAGirl1971

I love the title of this thread, Lewis! It speaks to how far you've come I'm so happy your daughter is coming home. It gives me hope for my situation, too. Here's to a great 2014 for you & your kids!

Hawkeye13

Hi Lewis;

You really have come so far in dealing with your situation, and as others have said,
I believe this thread has also helped many others, including myself.

I really hope your wife does find peace and manage to quit drinking. Meanwhile,
I am very happy you and your kids will be removed from witnessing her choices.

Your "Mr. Mom" household sounds kind of exciting--making the money and making the dinner all in one. I think you will do great with all of it.
You may even find your "inner chef" and astonish everyone. . .

One practical note (you know me) is to remember to make arrangement for the grocery delivery in your name (remove hers) to your house only very soon,
or you might find she charges multiple cases of beer and cartons of cigarettes to your account before or when she moves.
[Ironically, your wife spends more on her addictions (cigs and beer) per month than I do on my house payment and electric bill--didn't you estimate about 200 pounds a week?].

Keep the faith and all will be well. We've got your back

hopeful4

A tramp...with a key....O my gosh Lewis...I needed a laugh today and that certainly did it. I know it is a laugh or cry situation that is really sad. I hope you have some peace and are able to detatch and keep in your head that it will be better when she is gone. She is sick with addiction and really does not show she truly wants to get any better. I am so sorry.

Lewis73

In a way it gets easier everyday. She is so filled with hatred for me that it oozes out of her as ugliness. Love is blind, but I've got my glasses on now!

My one concern, and I am seeing my therapist soon so I will raise this again, is that I dont act out of anger or seeking revenge. That's not my plan, but I feel it creep up at times.

A good example....I asked her today if she could come up with a rota to have the kids. She mentioned how they would have 2 homes.....I explained THIS was their home but they would spend 50% with her (assuming she was sober) - she suddenly launched into an argument about how she could get full custody if she wanted...how her solicitor told her she could have ME thrown out - she is so far off it's a joke. She is uneducated in these matters and 3 years of drunk has taken it's toll. I have to stop myself from ripping into her, verbally.....explaining how I can get hair samples done to evidence her sobrity....how I have screen shots of the things she has said on facebook (which she now denies)....but I walk away. And it's hard to do. Deep down I am still angry and when she attacks me with such stupid threats its hard not to lash out from my stronger position.

Anyway...vented here instead!

A good example.....I used to do a bit of stand up comedy. It's like dealing with a heckler! I have the mic....but she's not a drunk idiot in the front row. She's someone ill that I should have respect for, as my kids mum at least (drunk/idiot....maybe )

hopeful4

Lewis, it's called taking the high road. It is a hard thing to do but ultimately right for you and the kids. Let her quack away...only 10 more days, you've got this. It is AMAZING to me to watch the changes you have made in you. I hope you are seriously proud of your progress!!!

JustAGirl1971

I'm thinking the more you practice just walking away (as you've said), the easier it will become? Eventually, I'd think the walking away would be natural and the desire to argue and rationalize would fade. 21 days for a new habit and all that.

And, to clarify - you are justified in feeling angry, but, as you've said, acting in anger won't help anything. You really have come a long way, Lewis

Lewis73

I know - it's tough!

That said....I stop and think where she will be in 2 weeks. Unfurnished place, no kids, reliant on me for cash.....no matter how bad I feel about what she did. She will feel worse (irrespective of who she blames)

I'm sure the 2015 me would like to tell the 2014 one to cut her some slack...so I will.

hopeful4

Just remember, these are her consequences for a life she has chosen. Consequences can be really good or really bad. She has not had to experience them really yet, so it will be a shock to her when she does. Above all else, you did what you had to do for your own sanity and that of your children. They need a good, positive father much more so than they need her crap. You are giving them the gift of stability and peace, and in doing so you get that for yourself too. It won't be easy, but keep remembering they need you much more so than she does. She is a grown adult who has made her own choices and now has to live with that.

Justwantnormal

Oh Lewis, this brought tears to my eyes. So much pain and destruction in something that should be so beautiful I suppose you're in the post grief phase. I believe Hammer told me last week that acceptance is what follows grief. Hugs to you. You and the kids will be in my thoughts and prayers over the next 10 days (and beyond).

Fandy

Lewis, I've read your previous thread and also see you evolving into a strong, stable parent....(who will become a gourmet chef, who knows)?

You put your children first and save yourself. Don't make things too easy for her....she doesn't care enough to keep her children even with kindness and help, she sounds very spoiled, willful, selfish and self-centered. MEMEME....while she leaves her KIDS to fend for themselves, especially her teenage daughter who NEEDS her mom's guidance and ear.

it's sad that she doesn't care enough....i hope one day she will and attempt to repair the damages. YOU don't have to baby her and soften her fall, she needs to bruise her buttisimo.

Lewis73

I hope so. There was a strange 2 weeks where I would start crying for no reason! Or over something daft...certain songs on the radio!

It was a VERY odd feeling to be so out of control...or at least, so easily able to lose control of myself like that.

Now I'm ok....instead, songs that remind me of her do just that, they remind me of who she was - and thats sad too, but good as well. They no longer remind me of who she is now - because I'm not with that person, and never really was.

I'm genuinely looking forward to seeing how i feel when she goes. I remember last year when I went I was a mess.....I suspect it wont be as easy as I hope...but right now, I just want her gone. Fresh start.

Hawkeye13

That's what this list is for--venting validated and duly noted.

Do you think that she is in part upset that you just aren't letting things stay status quo?
In other words, maybe it isn't so much that she is filled with hatred towards you as she is hating the fact she cannot control the situation any longer. That there are consequences. That she may not be able to stop drinking when she thought she had it "managed" before. All that at a deep level causes fear. And fear often manifests as anger, which in the extreme looks a lot like hatred towards whoever experiences it.

My mom did this to me when I started saying no to her demands. It really hurt but much later I realized that what was under her anger was fear and pain and self-loathing that she couldn't admit to herself, let alone me.

I know her actions are very hard to deal with, but under it at some level I bet she is hurting. That might make compassion and not personalizing it a bit easier.

JustAGirl1971

Thank you, Lewis. I needed to hear this today. I'm stuck in that 'crying over any/everything phase.' This gives me hope that I won't still be stuck here forever

You sound so much stronger than when you started posting. I think you might just amaze yourself how well you do when she leaves

Lewis73

That's a tricky one. Common sense tells me she is hurt and scared and fearful. She's sick, knows it and about to have a huge downturn in her life. I expect she is also a little ashamed at leaving the home. I have told a few friends she is going and ALL of them said "how come she's going and not you"....because its NOT the norm for the mum to go....and she knows that, and fears how it will look and if her bullsh*t will still wash when she tells people it's all because I'm evil (if I'm that bad...why leave the kids with me???)

However...despite common sesne, she tells me she hates me. Not just verbally - it's in her eyes. And as I no longer know this person, I can't tell if she is genuine or not.

So....is it real hate? I don't know...or care. I pity her really. I look back at her before all this and know I loved that person. Her pictures will stay on the wall. Any new partner will have to live with the fact I loved her before this....I'm a widower really! But she doesnt have that, she's thrown the memories out.