It gets easier
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Posts: 6,516
It gets easier
After you leave.
Promise.
I needed to hear that about every three minutes after I left.
It's been almost four years and it still gets easier.
Every court hearing. Every interaction.
It gets easier.
Promise.
I needed to hear that about every three minutes after I left.
It's been almost four years and it still gets easier.
Every court hearing. Every interaction.
It gets easier.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by lillamy 
After you leave.
Promise.
I needed to hear that about every three minutes after I left.
It's been almost four years and it still gets easier.
Every court hearing. Every interaction.
It gets easier.
Promise.
I needed to hear that about every three minutes after I left.
It's been almost four years and it still gets easier.
Every court hearing. Every interaction.
It gets easier.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Raider, I think being on the different sides of the street, as alcoholic or family, must be a very different experience, and each can hardly comprehend the other.
It makes me think of a Japanese story which had three narrators, each telling what appeared to be a separate unrelated tale of their life. Yet when the end of the story was approaching, it became clear that each of the three was talking about the same, shared experience.
From the family side of the equation, it appears to me that alcoholics are in an all consuming battle for their lives with the demon alcohol. Some face it, some abandon themselves to it, some slide in and out. But, to me, the focus is on survival or not, and that is centered around the alcoholic and their personal behavioral choices.
For the family, especially families who love and treasure the person inside the alcoholic, the person they've lost and want so badly to have back, so much of their attention focuses on the alcoholic and the consequences of the alcoholics behavior on him/herself and the reverberation of that into the family's lives.
What I believe that Lillamy means here is that when the family finally acknowledges that the alcoholic has the right to choose how they live, for better or for worse, and it is not the family's right or obligation to live the alcoholic's life, the world and the world view of the family shifts. Without the alcoholic in the center of their world, they can start to acknowledge and care for their own needs and their kids needs in a more comprehensive way.
ShootingStar1
It makes me think of a Japanese story which had three narrators, each telling what appeared to be a separate unrelated tale of their life. Yet when the end of the story was approaching, it became clear that each of the three was talking about the same, shared experience.
From the family side of the equation, it appears to me that alcoholics are in an all consuming battle for their lives with the demon alcohol. Some face it, some abandon themselves to it, some slide in and out. But, to me, the focus is on survival or not, and that is centered around the alcoholic and their personal behavioral choices.
For the family, especially families who love and treasure the person inside the alcoholic, the person they've lost and want so badly to have back, so much of their attention focuses on the alcoholic and the consequences of the alcoholics behavior on him/herself and the reverberation of that into the family's lives.
What I believe that Lillamy means here is that when the family finally acknowledges that the alcoholic has the right to choose how they live, for better or for worse, and it is not the family's right or obligation to live the alcoholic's life, the world and the world view of the family shifts. Without the alcoholic in the center of their world, they can start to acknowledge and care for their own needs and their kids needs in a more comprehensive way.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Raider
Ok guess it's just me...
While the A was self-sedated and/or whacked during the abuse they were inflicting, the target family/victim was not. They (ok, *we* -- not really managing to stay clinical on this) have to "re-live" those events when any confrontational (or even possible confrontational) situation may occur in the future.
It is re-trauma all over again just dealing with the fear.
Dunno if you followed the "dance" the kids and I planned around Christmas to make sure Mom/Mrs. Hammer did not have an Emotional Dysregulation Meltdown on us at Christmas again this year. It will literately take YEARS of "good" Christmases to balance last year out.
So picture this going on year-after-year in Court/Custody cases with an abusive A. It is like being mentally raped and re-raped as an Annual Event.
The point was that each year with time and distance the trauma lessens.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Hammer, yes like we are prisoners with the gate open but unable to leave. Some here deal with the added chains (metaphor) of the welfare of children and/or money/finances but all of us have the chains around our hearts and hopes.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by lillamy
After you leave.
Promise.
I needed to hear that about every three minutes after I left.
It's been almost four years and it still gets easier.
Every court hearing. Every interaction.
It gets easier.
Promise.
I needed to hear that about every three minutes after I left.
It's been almost four years and it still gets easier.
Every court hearing. Every interaction.
It gets easier.
Originally Posted by Lyssy
Thank you. I really, really needed to hear that right now.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Buffalo, ny
Posts: 66
Someone told me that having an A in your life is like being held hostage. I totally understand that. You don't own your life anymore because you are living based on their decisions and actions, constantly in anxiety, being held hostage. I'm learning that you have to recover yourself to be free. It's just so hard...
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
Raider, I think being on the different sides of the street, as alcoholic or family, must be a very different experience, and each can hardly comprehend the other.
It makes me think of a Japanese story which had three narrators, each telling what appeared to be a separate unrelated tale of their life. Yet when the end of the story was approaching, it became clear that each of the three was talking about the same, shared experience.
From the family side of the equation, it appears to me that alcoholics are in an all consuming battle for their lives with the demon alcohol. Some face it, some abandon themselves to it, some slide in and out. But, to me, the focus is on survival or not, and that is centered around the alcoholic and their personal behavioral choices.
For the family, especially families who love and treasure the person inside the alcoholic, the person they've lost and want so badly to have back, so much of their attention focuses on the alcoholic and the consequences of the alcoholics behavior on him/herself and the reverberation of that into the family's lives.
What I believe that Lillamy means here is that when the family finally acknowledges that the alcoholic has the right to choose how they live, for better or for worse, and it is not the family's right or obligation to live the alcoholic's life, the world and the world view of the family shifts. Without the alcoholic in the center of their world, they can start to acknowledge and care for their own needs and their kids needs in a more comprehensive way.
ShootingStar1
It makes me think of a Japanese story which had three narrators, each telling what appeared to be a separate unrelated tale of their life. Yet when the end of the story was approaching, it became clear that each of the three was talking about the same, shared experience.
From the family side of the equation, it appears to me that alcoholics are in an all consuming battle for their lives with the demon alcohol. Some face it, some abandon themselves to it, some slide in and out. But, to me, the focus is on survival or not, and that is centered around the alcoholic and their personal behavioral choices.
For the family, especially families who love and treasure the person inside the alcoholic, the person they've lost and want so badly to have back, so much of their attention focuses on the alcoholic and the consequences of the alcoholics behavior on him/herself and the reverberation of that into the family's lives.
What I believe that Lillamy means here is that when the family finally acknowledges that the alcoholic has the right to choose how they live, for better or for worse, and it is not the family's right or obligation to live the alcoholic's life, the world and the world view of the family shifts. Without the alcoholic in the center of their world, they can start to acknowledge and care for their own needs and their kids needs in a more comprehensive way.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by lillamy
After you leave.
Promise.
I needed to hear that about every three minutes after I left.
It's been almost four years and it still gets easier.
Every court hearing. Every interaction.
It gets easier.
Promise.
I needed to hear that about every three minutes after I left.
It's been almost four years and it still gets easier.
Every court hearing. Every interaction.
It gets easier.
I couldn't agree more. Almost 3 years and a thousand miles.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
This is one of the most hard hitting posts I have ever read on this site. I am deeply saddened for those who have chose to live with an A like me. (Minus kid, money and law issues). This makes very sad. Very sad.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Raider
This is one of the most hard hitting posts I have ever read on this site. I am deeply saddened for those who have chose to live with an A like me. (Minus kid, money and law issues). This makes very sad. Very sad.
Don't forget the Silver Lining.
The turn-the-frown-upside-down-part.
Remember near the very end of the Joseph story -- From the Book of Genesis? He was the Coat of Many Colors Kid. Nearly everything bad that could happen to him did happen to him. Sold by his Brothers into slavery. Thrown in jail, on and on.
By the time the story is done, he winds up Governor of Egypt, stores up the surplus grain, and saves the Ancient World from mass starvation.
As Joseph was musing it over near the end . . . he says about the bad things that were done . . . .They meant it for Evil -- But God turned it for Good.
Here is what you need to understand --
It is Not Just Joseph.
As Servants of the Almighty God -- we -- YOU and Me and Anybody/Everybody else reading this and beyond. WE ALL have the capacity to take Bad and Evil and turn it for Good with God's help and direction.
----------------
True Story --
Back when I was a little boy, I was harshly sexually abused for a period of time.
For years I kept that very secret and very hidden. And just did what looked like chameleon cover to build up a set of very dangerous skills from Engineering to Army stuff. (no further details).
Since I was so damaged I could never be in a real relationship, so I figured once I got older -- like now -- I figured I would "hunt" perps for sport. A predator - predator, as it were. Put those Army skills to work. The perps may have gotten me -- but I would get 100's, maybe a 1000 of them.
Fortunately I did what is called a decomp before I got that far. Wound up in an online group like this for PTSD, after I prayed and prayed after the nightmares that I had for years came stalking me into the daylight.
THAT was where I picked up this writing style. Hard earned, by the way. Back then I used to have to write my stuff 5 times.
1. A hand written outline.
2. Hand written sentences.
3. Hand re-write again, as a post/letter.
4. Typed in once.
5. And edited and typed in again.
It would take me half a day just to do one post. But the more I wrote the better I became. Better writer and better me. And I started helping other folks, too.
I bet I helped hundreds of people, and as widely as folks started reading my stuff -- Probably into the 1000's.
But one girl in particular -- who became my Pen Pal (just about like a sponsor/sponsee in this realm) -- a girl who had been raped in most every imaginable by her dad. Including being hit over the head with her school books and raped on top of them while being told she was too stupid to read and write.
So she barely learned to read and write. So I would read and write letters back and forth to/with her.
And we were doing it ALL on line -- just like on here. And just like on here I was getting background letters from folks who could not even post, but just were watching and getting better with their own stuff, just following along.
We did some 100 letters between us. We sort of had a whole Fan Club watching us. That was how/why Mrs. Hammer came to track me down. I was writing about wanting/needing a wife, and Mrs. Hammer was sent to my door, and "applied for the job."
In all that -- here is the take away --
The stuff that happened to me as a kid was meant for Evil. I prayed (and prayed) and wound up putting myself through a 1, 2, 3 Step Experience before I even knew what that was. And instead of hunting and killing perps, I would up helping victims and perps.
The Bad and Evil that happened to me -- God Turned For Good.
---------------
Raider -- Same for you in the Here and Now
You can, in your own life (with God's Help and Direction) help turn Evil to Good.
Our Life, Our Choice.
================
Look at your AA Big Book in the Promises . . . .
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
================
Claim. The. Promises.
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Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Great post shootingstar and hammer, the bolded text was a great selection.
Raider - hang in there. There is a path back and I've had the privilege of watching someone crawl out of the abyss and not just get her life back but get the life she longed for before that descent into alcoholism started. It doesn't get much worse than where she was. She had lost her health, job, home and was so addicted to alcohol that her attempt to stop cold turkey put her in the hospital for a few weeks.
That was 2.5 years ago, 2 years ago she stopped the roller coaster of on again off again white knuckle sobriety and admitted to herself she was an alcoholic and now she has 17 months of complete sobriety after two small slips mine months in. She has a home and family and full and happy life and spends several hours each day working her program, talking to several others in her group, doing service work and starting to sponsor others.
I could list horror stories from the past and I can attest to the fact that recovery is a progressive state just as alcoholism is. When we are driving we glance in our rear view mirrors but focus on the road ahead of us because that's where our focus needs to be and I'd suggest recovery is similar.
Lilamy made a great point that others added to here. Life gets better once the crazy train stops or we jump off it. Those who love an alcoholic hope their alcoholic partner takes the path my wife has but can only choose what we will do. I decided I won't live with an actively drinking alcoholic and so was Amy's - same choice, different out one for the alcoholic but similar outcomes for us. I'm luckier.
Today is a new day - lets keep our eyes on the road and just glance in that mirror
Raider - hang in there. There is a path back and I've had the privilege of watching someone crawl out of the abyss and not just get her life back but get the life she longed for before that descent into alcoholism started. It doesn't get much worse than where she was. She had lost her health, job, home and was so addicted to alcohol that her attempt to stop cold turkey put her in the hospital for a few weeks.
That was 2.5 years ago, 2 years ago she stopped the roller coaster of on again off again white knuckle sobriety and admitted to herself she was an alcoholic and now she has 17 months of complete sobriety after two small slips mine months in. She has a home and family and full and happy life and spends several hours each day working her program, talking to several others in her group, doing service work and starting to sponsor others.
I could list horror stories from the past and I can attest to the fact that recovery is a progressive state just as alcoholism is. When we are driving we glance in our rear view mirrors but focus on the road ahead of us because that's where our focus needs to be and I'd suggest recovery is similar.
Lilamy made a great point that others added to here. Life gets better once the crazy train stops or we jump off it. Those who love an alcoholic hope their alcoholic partner takes the path my wife has but can only choose what we will do. I decided I won't live with an actively drinking alcoholic and so was Amy's - same choice, different out one for the alcoholic but similar outcomes for us. I'm luckier.
Today is a new day - lets keep our eyes on the road and just glance in that mirror
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
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Originally Posted by Raider
This is one of the most hard hitting posts I have ever read on this site. I am deeply saddened for those who have chose to live with an A like me. (Minus kid, money and law issues). This makes very sad. Very sad.
I don't know if it's because I'm in denial or because I'm romanticizing the relationship now that it's ending, but I don't have anger towards my AH any longer. I don't blame him. I see the choices I've made and I see how my own dysfunction has contributed to the dysfunction in our marriage and the breakdown of our family. Possibly even his drinking. And, I'm starting to think I've been holding him back. Scratch that, that we've both allowed ourselves to be held back by this crazy relationship. I do love him but we'll both be better off apart.
Raider, I admire your courage to change - to seek sobriety. You give me hope for my AH, that he could one day choose sobriety for himself. Thank you for that.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Great thread.
It does get easier.
Hammer is right... the journey is difficult sometimes and the obstacles can be overwhelming but even it seems like jail or you are wandering in the desert like the stubborn hardheaded Hebrew refugees out of Egypt there is a Promised Land.... a place of peace, tranquility and serenity with God and everyone else.
And as we walk the path and learn about ourselves and relationships with toxic situations one day we wake up and realize...wow... it is easier. It is better. It is even wonderful again... and that realization comes from within and not from outward circumstances or another person.
And Hammer... it is way cool that out of the ashes of your incredible suffering as a victim you have emerged on the other side as someone who carries the light of hope and that each person can MAKE IT and find happiness again. Meaning and purpose give our troubles a new light when we can take evil and use if for good for someone else.
It does get easier.
Hammer is right... the journey is difficult sometimes and the obstacles can be overwhelming but even it seems like jail or you are wandering in the desert like the stubborn hardheaded Hebrew refugees out of Egypt there is a Promised Land.... a place of peace, tranquility and serenity with God and everyone else.
And as we walk the path and learn about ourselves and relationships with toxic situations one day we wake up and realize...wow... it is easier. It is better. It is even wonderful again... and that realization comes from within and not from outward circumstances or another person.
And Hammer... it is way cool that out of the ashes of your incredible suffering as a victim you have emerged on the other side as someone who carries the light of hope and that each person can MAKE IT and find happiness again. Meaning and purpose give our troubles a new light when we can take evil and use if for good for someone else.
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