grateful6982

I feel like if I don’t get my thoughts/feelings out into the open I am going to explode… I don’t post on here often, but do read daily. You can read my previous posts if you would like my back story. My AH has been back in jail on a bond violation since December 11. I have been doing really well up until recently. I feel totally different about him. I finally understand what the word “detachment” means. I talk to him a few times a week and it is nice, but I was honestly just not focused on him anymore. I realize that I have LITERALLY no say in what the court or my husband decides to do. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and it feels strange but liberating at the same time. What I am dealing with now is an immense amount of anger at my AH. I am disgusted that he used again when he knew the consequences would be extreme. I am pi**ed because his choice resulted in our kids and I celebrating Christmas, HIS 30th birthday, and New Year’s Eve without him for the first time ever. I have so much resentment and anger towards him and I know it is bad for me. I am so full of emotions that I really feel numb. I love my husband and I do believe that he hates being a drug addict but how can I get past all this anger? I have been pushing down all my anger and hurt but yesterday it finally found its way to my heart. Let me tell you what pushed me over the edge… Yesterday, our 11 year old “baby” girl started her period. I knew it wouldn’t be too long, but I was 100% taken by surprise by this. I know my AH would have been no help in dealing with this but I just got so mad that he is not here to go through it with me. My babies are not babies and he is missing this critical time in their lives because he cannot/will not choose to stay clean. It infuriated me to think about how selfish he has been. I am sorry this is so scatter-brained, but that is how my thinking is right now. I don’t even know if I really have a question or just needed to vent. I was doing so well over the holidays being focused on the kids and myself. I feel like I took 2 steps back but didn’t even notice I was walking backwards. Anyone have experience with this? Thank you for reading the thoughts of this crazy momma. I appreciate your time and expertise.

gabriel01

I feel the same too. I am confused about this feeling sometimes too. But I think it's because we were practiced and acted as a codependent for so long, we are not used to don't care about them, but just focus on ourselves. Now its just a new practice for us to learn, it's a new learning process for us. Just a thought.

About anger, I was really really really mad about a month ago. I didn't understand how could a normal person be that cruel and doesn't feel the love I gave him. Any "normal" person will not hurt the person that he said he loves that bad, but the problem is they are not normal people, they are addicts. So in my mind now, it's their lost and nothing wrong with me, it wasn't my fault. Maybe I was a little naïve or did not educated myself enough about addiction problems. So now, I am able to let go of my anger.

Lexy1

Don't feel guilty. You are ALLOWED to be angry. Besides.....It is them doing this to the family. They do have a choice. They just have to find their strength and push past the addict. You will feel better if you put yourself and your kids first. I know I felt guilty about doing that with my sister but she has consumed so much of our time and I feel somewhat like she robbed us of joy. I have a daughter so I am focusing on her needs. Your husband has to do this for himself and his family. No matter how much you want it for him.... He has to want it himself. It breaks your heart bc you feel like if he can't do it for you, at least do it for the kids but the addiction is too strong. Sometimes people have to lose everything to open their eyes. Get into some Naranon meeting. Big Hugs!