AH deteriorating. What are my options?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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AH deteriorating. What are my options?
My AH is definitely worsening. I came home last night. I left on Saturday when he went out and got hammered. I came home last night so that the boys could go to school/I could go to work today. He is a mess. He has really painful hemorrhoids, so bad he can barely move. I googled it and it's directly related to binge-drinking. He also drank an entire bottle of Listerine. When I brought it up, he said he drank it to "clear out his system."
He gave me a whole schpeal last night about how he had a really vivid dream while we were gone. He dreamt he woke up on a pool table in a bar, and he was naked and the cops were there. He said he was about to be arrested for doing something stupid, and that all he could think about was me and the kids, and what would happen to us if he went to jail. He said it was a huge wake-up call. I don't believe him. I don't believe he's going to stop. He asked what do I need, what do I want from him?
He is getting worse. He's going to end up sick/dead. It's painful to watch.
The only thing I can think of is (1) cut him out of our lives completely and go NC until he's sober; or (2) give him the option of moving out of LA and moving to my parents' town, where we've lived before and we have my family's support, it's more affordable, good schools, etc., and he gets into an immediate treatment program (I don't even know what kind).
Would I be stupid to even give him option 2? Should I just get the kids and get out of here and leave him to fend for himself? He's a shell of who he used to be. He's deteriorating so fast.
He gave me a whole schpeal last night about how he had a really vivid dream while we were gone. He dreamt he woke up on a pool table in a bar, and he was naked and the cops were there. He said he was about to be arrested for doing something stupid, and that all he could think about was me and the kids, and what would happen to us if he went to jail. He said it was a huge wake-up call. I don't believe him. I don't believe he's going to stop. He asked what do I need, what do I want from him?
He is getting worse. He's going to end up sick/dead. It's painful to watch.
The only thing I can think of is (1) cut him out of our lives completely and go NC until he's sober; or (2) give him the option of moving out of LA and moving to my parents' town, where we've lived before and we have my family's support, it's more affordable, good schools, etc., and he gets into an immediate treatment program (I don't even know what kind).
Would I be stupid to even give him option 2? Should I just get the kids and get out of here and leave him to fend for himself? He's a shell of who he used to be. He's deteriorating so fast.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Lots of words coming from him right now. Not a lot of action.
Your kids don't need a front row seat to this downward spiral. If and when he is ready to seek help for recovery, he will seek it. In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself and your kids without depending on him for anything. That's a harsh statement, but the alternative is nothing changing.
If my XABF had ever asked me what I needed, what I wanted from him, I would have told him I wanted him to save himself. He never asked, so I just went about saving myself.
Your kids don't need a front row seat to this downward spiral. If and when he is ready to seek help for recovery, he will seek it. In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself and your kids without depending on him for anything. That's a harsh statement, but the alternative is nothing changing.
If my XABF had ever asked me what I needed, what I wanted from him, I would have told him I wanted him to save himself. He never asked, so I just went about saving myself.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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are you saying for option 2 you would ALL move back home, taking the kids out of school, quitting your job, packing up the house, to move back in the hopes HE MIGHT go to treatment and MIGHT turn this around??? that sounds pretty drastic.
he can get sober ANYWHERE. if he really wants to.
he can get sober ANYWHERE. if he really wants to.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Emmy, I think you need to stop & think about what YOU want.
If you offer up Option #1, are you really ready to stand by NC? If not, it's useless to even offer it up as a solution because it will only end up as an empty threat. If you verbalize this but don't follow through, you'll make it harder to establish & stick to future boundaries as well. (JMO)
Option #2 sounds reasonable to me - if it's something he is open to trying. It's a major move to make but what I like about it is that it positions you closer to your family & their support so that no matter what happens, you end up in a better place. But what if he says "no way"? Is this still something you would be willing to do just for you & your kids?
If you offer up Option #1, are you really ready to stand by NC? If not, it's useless to even offer it up as a solution because it will only end up as an empty threat. If you verbalize this but don't follow through, you'll make it harder to establish & stick to future boundaries as well. (JMO)
Option #2 sounds reasonable to me - if it's something he is open to trying. It's a major move to make but what I like about it is that it positions you closer to your family & their support so that no matter what happens, you end up in a better place. But what if he says "no way"? Is this still something you would be willing to do just for you & your kids?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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In agreement with OP's...you take care of you, let him take care of himself. Please do what you feel is the best for you and the children. You can tell him to go to treatment, but until he decides to go on his own it likely will not be effective and he may even resent you for it. I'm sorry for what you are dealing with.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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I'm not going to advise or give suggestions but I do want to point out there are likely more than two options.
For example with my XAH, when I was where you are now I moved out and just left him to his own decisions (I couldn't make him go to treatment or get sober...he did do it on his own months after I moved out but only because it was his decision and I had stepped out of the way). Now I didn't go NC but I set some boundaries - things like if he called me drunk I would get off the phone and not talk to him, he did get mad but so what, he got over it. I also communicated with him regarding bills etc and when he was "sober" during this time. Now that he's recovering we have more contact but honestly likely will never be more than friends because I personally for myself don't want to be in that kind of relationship with an alcoholic recovering or otherwise.
My point is...every situation is different so there may be a unique option for you...the key for me was to protect myself, take care of myself and step out of the way and give him the dignity of making his own decisions and running his own life. My contact decisions were based on my gut feeling along with some help from a counselor.
For example with my XAH, when I was where you are now I moved out and just left him to his own decisions (I couldn't make him go to treatment or get sober...he did do it on his own months after I moved out but only because it was his decision and I had stepped out of the way). Now I didn't go NC but I set some boundaries - things like if he called me drunk I would get off the phone and not talk to him, he did get mad but so what, he got over it. I also communicated with him regarding bills etc and when he was "sober" during this time. Now that he's recovering we have more contact but honestly likely will never be more than friends because I personally for myself don't want to be in that kind of relationship with an alcoholic recovering or otherwise.
My point is...every situation is different so there may be a unique option for you...the key for me was to protect myself, take care of myself and step out of the way and give him the dignity of making his own decisions and running his own life. My contact decisions were based on my gut feeling along with some help from a counselor.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
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I'm sorry, Emmy 
I'm in no position to offer advice as I'm struggling myself, right now. In our case, he's moving out and is not seeking treatment. Letting go and letting God/HP take care of AH is so hard, but I know it's the best thing I can do for all of us. My attempts to manipulate him into doing what I want (ie get sober, fix his relationship with ds, find a different job, etc) have only made things worse. I've realized that the only good thing I can do is get out of the way and let God/HP take over. That means me taking care of me and the kids.
I'm sorry you're struggling Hugs to you.
I'm in no position to offer advice as I'm struggling myself, right now. In our case, he's moving out and is not seeking treatment. Letting go and letting God/HP take care of AH is so hard, but I know it's the best thing I can do for all of us. My attempts to manipulate him into doing what I want (ie get sober, fix his relationship with ds, find a different job, etc) have only made things worse. I've realized that the only good thing I can do is get out of the way and let God/HP take over. That means me taking care of me and the kids.I'm sorry you're struggling
Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Anvil is correct, he can get sober anywhere.
The fact that you have a family support system for you and the kids is a great option to have.
All I can offer take care of you and your precious kids.
He is an adult, he can figure this out on his own. (or not)
A geographical change is not going to aid in his choice to recover.
The fact that you have a family support system for you and the kids is a great option to have.
All I can offer take care of you and your precious kids.
He is an adult, he can figure this out on his own. (or not)
A geographical change is not going to aid in his choice to recover.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I see your option #1 and option #2 as centered around him.
You need to put yourself and your children front and center stage. Where do you want to live? What would be best for you and your young ones?
You have no control over where he is going in this. If he wants to get in recovery, he will find a way no matter where he finds himself. And he likely will not take that path.
So forgetting him for a second, where do you want to point yourself at this juncture? What are your dreams and goals? What would be best for you and the children?
You need to put yourself and your children front and center stage. Where do you want to live? What would be best for you and your young ones?
You have no control over where he is going in this. If he wants to get in recovery, he will find a way no matter where he finds himself. And he likely will not take that path.
So forgetting him for a second, where do you want to point yourself at this juncture? What are your dreams and goals? What would be best for you and the children?
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I decided what I think is the best thing to do. I'm going to take the kids and move to my parents' town. My sister, brother-in-law, and niece also live there. My brother-in-law commutes here for work every day, so I know it can be done. And because my family can help with the kids, my childcare costs go waaaay down. The school there is good, and my son can go to school with his cousin. I can easily afford a decent place and lifestyle for us. AH can still see the kids. This way I don't have to count on his help financially every month, because I don't know what's going to happen to him. Also, if he really does want to get help, he can do it from a distance. I think this is the best thing I can do.
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Both of your options seem rather extreme and impulsive totally leaving out a grey area.
How about YOU do what YOU need to do for YOURSELF and your kids and allow him to do what ever he is going to do for himself. To pack up and move the kids away from school, friends and leave your job FOR HIM to seek help seems really extreme. There is help for him right where he is if HE choses that.
I think no matter what YOU decided to do for YOU the sum shouldnt be based on him seeking help and sticking with recovery. The sum should always be what is best for you and your children to have a stable environment to grow in.
It takes us a long while to accept that putting the alcoholic in control of OUR lives, our children's lives, our finances and our future is very unhealthy.
If he knows HIS drinking makes you and the family unhappy then it's up to him to figure out if he even wants to fix that then take action. But to ask YOU what YOU want HIM to do is only putting it all back on you.
How about YOU do what YOU need to do for YOURSELF and your kids and allow him to do what ever he is going to do for himself. To pack up and move the kids away from school, friends and leave your job FOR HIM to seek help seems really extreme. There is help for him right where he is if HE choses that.
I think no matter what YOU decided to do for YOU the sum shouldnt be based on him seeking help and sticking with recovery. The sum should always be what is best for you and your children to have a stable environment to grow in.
It takes us a long while to accept that putting the alcoholic in control of OUR lives, our children's lives, our finances and our future is very unhealthy.
If he knows HIS drinking makes you and the family unhappy then it's up to him to figure out if he even wants to fix that then take action. But to ask YOU what YOU want HIM to do is only putting it all back on you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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O Emmy...please stop listening to his words and look at actions only before you make this huge move. Why can't HE move and go into treatment? Then give him pleanty of time (like a year) to prove he is taking that treatment seriously before you live with him again.
That is my suggestion. Set yourself free from the crazy train and give yourself some peace. Tight hugs.
I understand the urge to run away. I have had the urge before too. Unfortunately, addiction will follow you anywhere. I'm sorry.
That is my suggestion. Set yourself free from the crazy train and give yourself some peace. Tight hugs.
I understand the urge to run away. I have had the urge before too. Unfortunately, addiction will follow you anywhere. I'm sorry.
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The only problem is that if I sign a lease here for a year, I have to keep the boys in preschool/afterschool care, and depend on AH to pay his half. I can't afford to pay rent alone AND child care. I'm afraid if he continues downhill, he will lose his business and have no money to help. I'll have that fear every month that he's not going to have it. If I live near my family, I'll have help with the kids. That's my major concern right now, not having to depend on him financially. Because he's really progressing with the drinking, quite rapidly at this point.
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Originally Posted by EmmyG 
The only problem is that if I sign a lease here for a year, I have to keep the boys in preschool/afterschool care, and depend on AH to pay his half. I can't afford to pay rent alone AND child care. I'm afraid if he continues downhill, he will lose his business and have no money to help. I'll have that fear every month that he's not going to have it. If I live near my family, I'll have help with the kids. That's my major concern right now, not having to depend on him financially. Because he's really progressing with the drinking, quite rapidly at this point.
I'm sorry you're in this position
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The hardest part is he is truly sick. And I can't do anything about it. I feel like I'm watching him sink, and I know what's going to happen, but all I can do is grab the boys and run. I wish I could help him. I'm terrified about what's going to happen to him. It's so very sad.
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