ALittleBitCrazy

Hi all. I'm reasonably new here but appreciate all the knowledge I've read from all of you as I look at old posts/threads!

I told my AH I was planning to divorce him (had even seen a lawyer), and was ready for him to move out. I told him I couldn't take the drinking and resulting problems anymore, etc. That was about three months ago. He stopped drinking, and has NOT moved out…in fact now refuses to, even though he has been furnishing an apartment elsewhere.

Originally, he seemed so contrite and like he wanted things to work, so I said we could try having him stay for 30 days. At the end of the first 30 days, things seemed okay and the holidays were coming and I had to travel for work, so I said he could stay another 30 days - which of course turned into the holiday season.

I guess it all boils down to this: now that he is sober, I feel like he is trying to make me out to be the “bad guy” and himself the victim. I’ve been accused of a couple of affairs, he hates my friends and family and wants me to spend less time with them, says I’m not committed to making things work, I don’t love or respect him (hard to, given his behavior). I’m tired of fighting, and told him I was fine with shouldering all the blame for a failed marriage if that made him feel better (and leave)…and I meant it. I feel like every time we fight (every few days) it just takes everything out of me…but then the next couple days everything is fine. Last night, after a particularly rough day yesterday, he said he was sorry. I asked for what and he said, “I’m sorry that we’re fighting.” Not for his behavior or his role in the argument, just that we were fighting. And then he wanted to cuddle!

Is this normal recovery behavior? Will it pass? I don’t want to live with someone who’s going to spend the rest of our lives together blaming me for stuff I didn’t do, but if it’s just going to take time to work out then I guess I can wait. And yes, I started looking for a therapist today, because I seriously feel like I might be going crazy!

hopeful4

Welcome to SR. I understand how you feel about this. Take alcohol out of the equation, are you happy? If not, what can YOU do for happiness? Its obvious he is not doing what he has to do to actually work on your marriage. For me, not drinking is just one thing. Addicts are famous for the blame game they play, in that they always need to blame others for their actions instead of accepting responsibility themselves. My advise would have to be watch his actions, not his words. Actions always tell.

Keep posting you are not alone!

Pelican

He has stopped drinking. You didn't say anything about him starting recovery.

If he isn't working on changing more than his liquid diet, he will continue acting like an obnoxious jerk. A dry drunk: someone who stops drinking but doesn't work on changing the behaviors that developed during the drinking phase.

I also believe in the emotional stunting of alcoholics. Alcoholics stop maturing emotionally when they start drinking. Living with a dry drunk is like living with a teenager.

wolfpackfan45

Sounds like he's a dry drunk. My adult son was like this for about the first month of his recovery, but he began to change drastically after that. I can honestly say after a year he acts normal now and has matured far beyond what I ever imagined. AA and private counseling helped him, but I also went to a counselor and AlAnon. I had to learn how to relearn how to handle any issues that came up with him because I'd believed all his emotional bullying when he was drinking. Take care of yourself and get that counseling.

PippiLngstockng

Sounds to me as though your A is just doing what he can to protect himself from being thrown out. He isn't interested in making any changes. He may not drink for a while in order to keep himself living with you, but he'll drink again soon enough.

What is this bit about him having and furnishing his own apartment?

dandylion

ALittleBitCrazy---No, you are not crazy. I have been through this crap, also...LOL. I would like to underline the sentiments of the other posters, so far. He is whiteknuckling; dry drunk; trying to avoid leaving--protect the status-quo. None of that really reflects a committment to genuine, long-lasting recovery.

Genuine, lasting recovery requires a lot of ACTION and effort. It begins with a desire on the part of the alcoholic to become sober in order to live a happier and better life. The desire to live sober more than to continue the path of alcoholism. The first sign of this is a williness to do WHATEVER IT TAKES! A williness to accept whatever help is required---no whining--no excuses--no writing of their own "rules". Humility and williness to become honest are also good signs.

I recommend that you read the posting by "Cynical One" called: "10 ways to tell when an Addict or Alcoholic is full of crap". You can find it by going to the blue bar across the top of this main page---click on "Search" and tyope the title in the dropdown for threads. This has been invaluable for me---cause all m y alcoholics are full of crap!!...LOL, LOL.

Hope this helps...

dandylion

lizw

A new concept I have adopted in the last few years is the idea that just because someone says something to me or about me doesn't mean it's true. So while he may be raving all kinds of crazy stuff it's just his opinion. You don't have to believe it or even consider it. This idea has really helped me when others try to blame me for the way they feel. Sometimes I am like a guilt magnet. Guilt is a very common al anon trait.

ALittleBitCrazy

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts - they have helped a lot!

Pippi - we have a rental property that is currently unoccupied, which my kids tell me he has fixed up and furnished, although he isn't officially living there.

Today, my sister in law said to me (via text, of course) that at least my days weren't at their absolute worst, so it could be worse - and that she and my AH were "talking a lot" and he was "really trying to work on himself". Yeaaahhh, right……

I swear, I'm gonna end up crazy for real!