Im hoping to get some sort of an answer, help appreciated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4
Im hoping to get some sort of an answer, help appreciated
Firstly, if I sound very ignorant about people in recovery I apologize, this is all new to me so hope you can understand that.
A while ago I had a date with a woman I’d met on a dating site. It was a really nice evening with laughter, conversation and a definite spark.
During the course of the evening I found out that she was a recovering alcoholic also with a history of cocaine abuse.
Now I’ve always been of the opinion that ‘shit happens” in life and “there before the grace” etc. so I’ve never judged anyone who’s found themselves in similar situations.
She’d suffered for it, lost her marriage and her daughter and had the struggle of getting sober. She’s gone through AA and has been sober for over two years and was helping out others through the mentoring service plus other organizations she was working with.
We started to see each other and the relationship became intimate. I enjoyed her newfound zest for life and her battling qualities, she was fun, bright intelligent and independent, all the things I find attractive in a woman.
Her biggest battle was rekindling her relationship with her daughter, it was going well a while back but she felt she needed to do something else to push her recovery on so she went to South Africa to work at retreat for 3 months as she felt this would be a good thing. She said it really helped her but she then had to come back and re-engage with her daughter and that is still an on-going thing.
Seeing her was proving difficult due to my own and her work commitments plus she had now been granted more access to her daughter, which was brilliant. We kept in touch with phone calls and messages and I would always make sure she was doing OK when she had to take her daughter back to her ex at the end of a visit. She really appreciated that and said I was “very special”
One of her main worries with her daughter was that she only ever her saw her with a man when she was drinking so she needed to tread very carefully with that. That was fine for me, nice gentle steps, I was happy to do that because I thought she was worth it.
Christmas came and went and we never saw each other as she was busy working with other recovering alcoholics as she was aware that it’s a tricky time of year for a lot of them.
I called her on the night of the 26th because I knew she’d had her daughter for the day. She was very upset as she felt her daughter had become distant with her over recent weeks and she was that day. We talked and the next day I text her to say that she really should give herself some credit for having got through Christmas this year and that was brilliant and she too in my mind was brilliant. She was so happy to hear those words.
I knew she was away for New Year to see her father and l looked forward to seeing her in 2014.
I sent her a message on Facebook saying as much.
When I logged back onto it to see if she had replied I saw that she had changed her profile picture, it was her with another man and the comments below from others saying how they hope they’ll be happy together.
I messaged her to find out what was going on and she unfriended me immediately. I text her but from that day on she has never responded.
I’m crushed, I invested a lot emotionally in all of this and as far as I was aware everything was great and was going to get even better in the New Year.
I’m now looking for an explanation that I cant get.
This might be just how it goes but could her condition be part of this?
A while ago I had a date with a woman I’d met on a dating site. It was a really nice evening with laughter, conversation and a definite spark.
During the course of the evening I found out that she was a recovering alcoholic also with a history of cocaine abuse.
Now I’ve always been of the opinion that ‘shit happens” in life and “there before the grace” etc. so I’ve never judged anyone who’s found themselves in similar situations.
She’d suffered for it, lost her marriage and her daughter and had the struggle of getting sober. She’s gone through AA and has been sober for over two years and was helping out others through the mentoring service plus other organizations she was working with.
We started to see each other and the relationship became intimate. I enjoyed her newfound zest for life and her battling qualities, she was fun, bright intelligent and independent, all the things I find attractive in a woman.
Her biggest battle was rekindling her relationship with her daughter, it was going well a while back but she felt she needed to do something else to push her recovery on so she went to South Africa to work at retreat for 3 months as she felt this would be a good thing. She said it really helped her but she then had to come back and re-engage with her daughter and that is still an on-going thing.
Seeing her was proving difficult due to my own and her work commitments plus she had now been granted more access to her daughter, which was brilliant. We kept in touch with phone calls and messages and I would always make sure she was doing OK when she had to take her daughter back to her ex at the end of a visit. She really appreciated that and said I was “very special”
One of her main worries with her daughter was that she only ever her saw her with a man when she was drinking so she needed to tread very carefully with that. That was fine for me, nice gentle steps, I was happy to do that because I thought she was worth it.
Christmas came and went and we never saw each other as she was busy working with other recovering alcoholics as she was aware that it’s a tricky time of year for a lot of them.
I called her on the night of the 26th because I knew she’d had her daughter for the day. She was very upset as she felt her daughter had become distant with her over recent weeks and she was that day. We talked and the next day I text her to say that she really should give herself some credit for having got through Christmas this year and that was brilliant and she too in my mind was brilliant. She was so happy to hear those words.
I knew she was away for New Year to see her father and l looked forward to seeing her in 2014.
I sent her a message on Facebook saying as much.
When I logged back onto it to see if she had replied I saw that she had changed her profile picture, it was her with another man and the comments below from others saying how they hope they’ll be happy together.
I messaged her to find out what was going on and she unfriended me immediately. I text her but from that day on she has never responded.
I’m crushed, I invested a lot emotionally in all of this and as far as I was aware everything was great and was going to get even better in the New Year.
I’m now looking for an explanation that I cant get.
This might be just how it goes but could her condition be part of this?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi Glen - welcome.
I'm sorry for your pain, but I don't think you need to be an alcoholic to play the field on internet dating sites and date several people at once.
I'm sorry it happened to you but the good thing is now you know this woman isn't for you?
D
I'm sorry for your pain, but I don't think you need to be an alcoholic to play the field on internet dating sites and date several people at once.
I'm sorry it happened to you but the good thing is now you know this woman isn't for you?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Glen!! 
I don't know the real answer, but I do know that this could have still happened if she wasn't an alcoholic, it could even happen if she was teetotal, there are people that split from relationships for all sorts of reasons.
I feel for you though, as I've been in a similar position in relationships, when all seems great and then suddenly things seem to change over night and another person seems to appear out of nowhere!! . . . feel for you!!
I don't know the real answer, but I do know that this could have still happened if she wasn't an alcoholic, it could even happen if she was teetotal, there are people that split from relationships for all sorts of reasons.
I feel for you though, as I've been in a similar position in relationships, when all seems great and then suddenly things seem to change over night and another person seems to appear out of nowhere!! . . . feel for you!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 160
We've all been played before, buddy. I once dated a single mother for 3 months before finding out she wasn't really single lol. People do horrible things to other people. I like to think that most people are caring and genuine, but I continue to find the opposite. She used you as an emotional crutch. Being used is a horrible feeling. Time will heal, but use this as a learning experience and never forget.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Leave it to karma, what she did was not nice and also not Alcoholism delated.
If she's like this sober, I don't want to imagine what she was like before.
Your a good person, and deserve better
If she's like this sober, I don't want to imagine what she was like before.
Your a good person, and deserve better
to SR!
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Yep. Sounds like a player. Some people on those dating sites hop around from person to person. I joined one once and deleted my account after about half an hour, so many players. I'm sure you'll find someone nice x
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,557
Hi Glen. I'm sorry for your pain and confusion, but please try not to take it personally. You are certainly not stupid - just a caring person trying to make sense of someone's selfish behavior. (I don't think it has anything to do with alcoholism.) Someone worthy will come in to your life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Glen02 
I just thought that maybe her condition/s may explain her erratic behaviour, clutching at straws I know. wonder if the new guy in her life will end up the same?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Glen
You're looking for a particular kind of relationship.
Doesn't sound like she's looking for the same kind of relationship you are.
I wouldn't think about it any more deeply than that.
Alcoholics are people too - they cover the spectrum from good to..well...not so good.
Think of this as a lesson maybe that people, even AAers and Christians, are human and sometimes they don't measure up.
Keep looking - I'm sure you'll find The One
D
You're looking for a particular kind of relationship.
Doesn't sound like she's looking for the same kind of relationship you are.
I wouldn't think about it any more deeply than that.
Alcoholics are people too - they cover the spectrum from good to..well...not so good.
Think of this as a lesson maybe that people, even AAers and Christians, are human and sometimes they don't measure up.
Keep looking - I'm sure you'll find The One
D
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