I made a mistake

Old 01-06-2014, 09:29 AM
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I made a mistake

Hello.

I’ve written here before about a women I walked away from before a real relationship could start because I could see her behavior and alcohol issue would end up hurting me.

It was hard to walk away and I never really let go of her. I downplayed my feelings for her because of our short time together and her issues.

It had been 5 months of no contact, but I saw her a couple times recently in social settings, each time she was very friendly towards me, but I kept my distance. It was hard to resist and took a few days to get over the feelings it brought up.

I saw her again. This time the evening was long. She had been sober when we dated, but started again after I broke it off. So she drank beer. I did too, but only a small amount. Something, a wall, broke down in me and as the evening progressed, we got closer and closer to each other. It seemed every minute that passed we would move an inch towards each other. We talked, sat against each other, held each other. Ever since I met her, I have been so attracted, but I held everything inside me, to protect myself. It all came out this time. I let go and felt so much warmth and love towards this person.

By the end of the evening, six hours, she had had perhaps 4-5 craft beers. She is little, so she must have been feeling it. Her personality hardly changed though. I drove her home. I knew I needed to gently say goodbye and walk away again. I knew letting go that evening was a mistake, and it was not fair to her. We hugged, a light kiss on the cheek, then goodbye. I could see something in her eyes, but I had to walk away. I forgot to give her something and called her back. This time she held on to me and intensely began kissing me. I never allowed us to get that close before. When we stopped, she looked at me and said something about that it finally needed to happen after all this time.

I feel absolutely gutted now. My feelings for this women came out unfiltered and they are so strong. But alcohol was there. Like some ugly thing. I ignored its presence during the evening. But it was there. It was there when we talked, it was there when we touched, it was there when she kissed me and it feels like an intruder. I know those moments that evening were real, but alcohol was in her system. It was in my system too.

It makes me so angry and hurt that the very thing that keeps me from being with this person was there all along. And I allowed it.

I know she is not the women for me because of her issues. I cannot see her anymore. I cannot just be strong and be at social events with her for a long time. I will miss out on events with friends occasionally, but this pain is too much.

I am so mad at alcohol. I am mad at her for not being strong enough to leave alcohol. I am mad at myself for letting myself go. I hurt me, and I may have hurt her again by finally letting her inside for a short time.

It is likely she will be try to get in touch with me. I struggle with whether I should tell her that I cannot see her because of her alcohol issue directly. I have indirectly talked to her close friend about alcohol being a reason for walking away originally, hoping it would get back to her. Someone wrote here regarding my earlier posting that she well knows that alcohol is a problem in her relationships.

Frankly, I just want to forget all of this and heal. I want the heavy feelings and pain to go away. I want her to be sober. I want something good to come out of that night, for her. Something she can take away and use to help her heal and grow. I just want something good to happen here.

Thank you for reading and any thoughts you may have.
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Old 01-06-2014, 09:33 AM
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Go study the "Recycle" on bpdfamily.com.

Get out of Her Stuff, and back on Your Stuff.
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Old 01-06-2014, 09:40 AM
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Pia
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"I am so mad at alcohol. I am mad at her for not being strong enough to leave alcohol. I am mad at myself for letting myself go. I hurt me, and I may have hurt her again by finally letting her inside for a short time."

Run as fast as you can. If you think this is bad imagine it be 100X when a couple
I would take it as a lesson learned
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Old 01-06-2014, 09:43 AM
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Do not expect people to change or even her want to give up alcohol.

People are who they are we can not relate to them if only …......

You can not start a relationship that way … I think at least.
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Old 01-06-2014, 10:13 AM
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It was a magical beginning for me too, a five year on and off relationship, that deteriorated like the ticking of a clock.

Alcohol was the fuel, I was the fire.

I'm not sure what I thought I could accomplish staying for so long, but what I did accomplish was a lot of pain for both of us.

His life was his , to do with whatever he felt was right and good for him, mine was mine, I really did not know that until I claimed it.

Giving your life over to alcoholism, yours of hers, whatever it may be, is certainly not a life that lets you be free.
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Old 01-06-2014, 10:24 AM
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Recycling. Absolutely. It was unhealthy. I know it. I was proud that I kept away from this person for so long, but I broke down here. No doubt. Her Alcohol issue is but one of the concerns. There is something dangerous about this girl I sense. And that is one of the reasons I did my best to stay away. Whether a combination of her personal issues, impulsivity, beauty, charisma, alcohol and possibly BPD traits, she's the wrong one to fall for. I know I have my own issues that allowed me to fall back in, even if for one evening. I have admitted my feelings for this person to myself now, that there is more going on then I thought. It is actually a little scary and humbling. I still have some work to do. Thank you for your advice.
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Old 01-06-2014, 10:41 AM
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I think you should tell her directly rather than lie.

You are smart not to go any further, by the way.
Sounds like she is very dangerous to you emotionally.

Best to you.
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