I think I am ready to stop
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Posts: 159
I think I am ready to stop
Well, I have been up all night and I feel awful at the moment.
Here is my story...
I am 38 years old and have been drinking almost every day for the past 7 or 8 months. I work, I function. But I feel terrible and I have been putting my life in danger repeatedly. On a "good" day I have a bottle of wine (4 glasses). On a "bad" day, I have had up to 4 bottles of wine. And I don't remember much of it. In fact, many days now I black out / pass out and wake up to find I have eaten things I don't remember. I don't remember conversations with people or things I have done. My heart races. I have gained about 40 pounds in a year. I don't feel like doing anything. I am certain I am depressed (possibly clinically).
I have social anxiety--fairly severe at times--like when I let it stop me form doing things or meeting people. The anxiety gets worse when I gain weight (because I am so self-conscious). I spent my 20's in a relationship. Much of the time I was on a super high dose of benzos for my anxiety (I took Klonapin and Xanax). After a series of poor decisions and personal struggles, I wound up purposely overdosing 2 times. The doctors are not sure how I survived. I was in the hospital the second time it happened for almost a week. I was in a coma and all. I had taken so many pills and had so much alcohol in my system that I couldn't walk for 4 days. But I was ok. I went home after that and didn't think I had a problem.
But after being hospitalized, I just couldn't keep going. So I came to see my mom and sister in Florida to "regroup". I had been taken off all benzos (which led to seizures and two more hospital stays)...so I started drinking even more.
My family and my psychiatrist forced me to a 30 day inpatient rehab. I seriously did not think I belonged there. It seemed like a huge mistake--me being in a rehab for alcohol and all. I struggled with that and I came to the conclusion that I did not have a drinking problem. I also convinced my entire family that I did not have a drinking problem. Then I was suicidal again and a friend called 911--which brought me to a psychiatric hospital. I had also had 3 bottles of wine that night--before I made remarks to my friend that prompted him to call the police. I still thought it was all a huge mistake.
Lately I will drink a bottle of wine--and decide it is not enough. I get in my car--and DRIVE. Maybe not far--but I am putting myself and everyone at risk. And apparently I don't care if I make it back home alive or not. Then I drink more and barely remember going out to buy more. I have been drinking so much every single day almost. My trash is a bunch of empty wine bottles. The local store cashiers recognize me. I am embarrassed to buy it...so I rotate where I buy it from. Sometimes, I think the cashiers can tell I am already drunk. But I still do it. I could have been arrested so many times by now. I should have been. (I hope writing this doesn't actually GET me arrested).
I realized I was an alcoholic a few months back. I just couldn't stop. I would jump in my car after work and head directly to the grocery store to buy wine. Of course, I would buy a ton of other things so it looked "normal".
This New Year's I was with my mom. Not a raging party. Just dinner with my mom. Well, before we even headed out, I had consumed 2 bottles of wine. I was wasted. And Thankfully not driving. I had 2 or 3 glasses at the restaurant. I could barely walk. I was loud and I was cursing in the restaurant (in conversation--not to anyone). I was out of it. I couldn't even remember what we had to eat. I also had no idea how I woke up in my room at my mom's house with my dog there -- and not at my own apartment. We had stopped at my apartment to get my dog--and I didn't even remember going there. None of it. I had on two different shoes and could possibly have gone to the restaurant like that! I don't know.
Last night I decided to end my life while in my drunken stupor. I woke up with all my kitchen knives in my bathroom...on the sink. I have done this for years. I have never used them. I would get drunk and decide to end it all...bring in the knives to my room "just in case"...then pass out. I never remember much of it the next day. I also do not feel suicidal when sober. I get depressed and have major anxiety--and am told I may be bipolar--but I am not suicidal.
My home is a mess. I spend so much on alcohol that I have old running shoes, no couch in my living room, and no new clothes. My "extra" money all goes to support my drinking habit.
I want to stop. I am certain I will die if I continue to drink. I feel fat, out of shape, bloated and ugly. I used to workout 6 times a week--now I walk up the stairs to my apartment and am out of breath. Then I tuck into drinking for the evening. My poor dog rarely even gets a walk--and we used to do 3 miles a day.
I make excuses to be around alcohol and excuses as to why I get so drunk (I tell family and friends that my "medication" for bipolar doesn't mix well if I take it too close to drinking. The truth is 1.) I am not supposed to drink at all on that medication and 2.) I stopped taking the medication weeks ago because I don't want my doctor to ask me about drinking (I told him I stopped back in August). I did stop--for 5 days. That is the longest I have gone all year without drinking-- 5 days.
I am a bit scared to give it up...because it does ease my anxiety. It makes me feel "normal" for the first few drinks. I have panic attacks and the doctors won't prescribe Xanax or klonapin to me anymore. So all I have had to cope is alcohol. I am not sure how I will do the first month or so without it. I do actually feel dependent on it now. In the past I just drank in binges. Now I think my body needs it because I have been drinking so regularly and in large quantities.
I ordered some herbal remedies that are supposed to take away the craving and taste for alcohol.
I want to go to AA. The community I live in is fairly small. And I know part of my reluctance is if I decide I can drink again (not that I think I should), and the people from AA meetings see me buying alcohol--they will judge me. I know it makes no sense.
For most of my adult life, I have NOT been a consistent abuser of alcohol. But I have had bad experiences with it. But I was very fit and a bit of a health nut.
I am tired of feeling sick and tired of hurting myself. I can't go to an inpatient rehab again--I would lose my job. And I do not want to tell my family what has been going on because they all think I am doing really well. They believe the medication (that I am not even taking) is helping me. It isn't. It wasn't.
We had a health fair at work and one of the biofeedback tests came back that I had a Fatty Liver. Of course, I have not looked into it because I haven't wanted to know the truth--especially if I was still drinking.
I have lost friends over things I have said when drunk (emails, texts). I have behaved poorly in my romantic relationships (not all a result of alcohol--but it certainly made things worse).
I am afraid that if I give it up and get healthy, that my life will still be terrible...because of the anxiety. It is an all-day, everyday issue. Literally. When I was taking the benzos, I led a productive life for 10+ years. Not to say I remember all of it. But I had friends, I was active, was able to function at work. Now I feel all uncomfortable and my head spins and my thoughts race and I have nothing to slow it down. Nothing but alcohol (I have never been drunk at work...so that is kind of hard now...particularly with the large weight gain.).
I need some help. I am hoping that you here can give it to me. I do think I will go to AA meetings. I am afraid of detoxing on my own. I don't know how bad a case I am now. I can go a day without alcohol, I'm pretty sure.
How do I detox? I don't want anyone to know. I am hoping I can just stop drinking and feel just more anxious and I can deal with that.
I do feel like a failure because everyone thinks I am doing so great now. But really I feel like I am dying inside and I drink when I am alone--and more when I am with others. I just pretend the first drink with others is actually my first drink period. Even if I have had 2 bottles of wine already.
Oh boy! It is weird actually writing this. I have been thinking these things, but to have it all here in front of me.
I'm tired of lying. I am tired of telling people I have "bad allergies" because my eyes are red and swollen from crying all night when drunk. I don't even HAVE allergies. I am tired of saying my "medication must have interacted weird with the wine" when I am not even ON the medication.
My whole life feels like one miserable lie. It needs to end. Something needs to change or I will be dead pretty soon.
Can you please help me?
-Nicole
Here is my story...
I am 38 years old and have been drinking almost every day for the past 7 or 8 months. I work, I function. But I feel terrible and I have been putting my life in danger repeatedly. On a "good" day I have a bottle of wine (4 glasses). On a "bad" day, I have had up to 4 bottles of wine. And I don't remember much of it. In fact, many days now I black out / pass out and wake up to find I have eaten things I don't remember. I don't remember conversations with people or things I have done. My heart races. I have gained about 40 pounds in a year. I don't feel like doing anything. I am certain I am depressed (possibly clinically).
I have social anxiety--fairly severe at times--like when I let it stop me form doing things or meeting people. The anxiety gets worse when I gain weight (because I am so self-conscious). I spent my 20's in a relationship. Much of the time I was on a super high dose of benzos for my anxiety (I took Klonapin and Xanax). After a series of poor decisions and personal struggles, I wound up purposely overdosing 2 times. The doctors are not sure how I survived. I was in the hospital the second time it happened for almost a week. I was in a coma and all. I had taken so many pills and had so much alcohol in my system that I couldn't walk for 4 days. But I was ok. I went home after that and didn't think I had a problem.
But after being hospitalized, I just couldn't keep going. So I came to see my mom and sister in Florida to "regroup". I had been taken off all benzos (which led to seizures and two more hospital stays)...so I started drinking even more.
My family and my psychiatrist forced me to a 30 day inpatient rehab. I seriously did not think I belonged there. It seemed like a huge mistake--me being in a rehab for alcohol and all. I struggled with that and I came to the conclusion that I did not have a drinking problem. I also convinced my entire family that I did not have a drinking problem. Then I was suicidal again and a friend called 911--which brought me to a psychiatric hospital. I had also had 3 bottles of wine that night--before I made remarks to my friend that prompted him to call the police. I still thought it was all a huge mistake.
Lately I will drink a bottle of wine--and decide it is not enough. I get in my car--and DRIVE. Maybe not far--but I am putting myself and everyone at risk. And apparently I don't care if I make it back home alive or not. Then I drink more and barely remember going out to buy more. I have been drinking so much every single day almost. My trash is a bunch of empty wine bottles. The local store cashiers recognize me. I am embarrassed to buy it...so I rotate where I buy it from. Sometimes, I think the cashiers can tell I am already drunk. But I still do it. I could have been arrested so many times by now. I should have been. (I hope writing this doesn't actually GET me arrested).
I realized I was an alcoholic a few months back. I just couldn't stop. I would jump in my car after work and head directly to the grocery store to buy wine. Of course, I would buy a ton of other things so it looked "normal".
This New Year's I was with my mom. Not a raging party. Just dinner with my mom. Well, before we even headed out, I had consumed 2 bottles of wine. I was wasted. And Thankfully not driving. I had 2 or 3 glasses at the restaurant. I could barely walk. I was loud and I was cursing in the restaurant (in conversation--not to anyone). I was out of it. I couldn't even remember what we had to eat. I also had no idea how I woke up in my room at my mom's house with my dog there -- and not at my own apartment. We had stopped at my apartment to get my dog--and I didn't even remember going there. None of it. I had on two different shoes and could possibly have gone to the restaurant like that! I don't know.
Last night I decided to end my life while in my drunken stupor. I woke up with all my kitchen knives in my bathroom...on the sink. I have done this for years. I have never used them. I would get drunk and decide to end it all...bring in the knives to my room "just in case"...then pass out. I never remember much of it the next day. I also do not feel suicidal when sober. I get depressed and have major anxiety--and am told I may be bipolar--but I am not suicidal.
My home is a mess. I spend so much on alcohol that I have old running shoes, no couch in my living room, and no new clothes. My "extra" money all goes to support my drinking habit.
I want to stop. I am certain I will die if I continue to drink. I feel fat, out of shape, bloated and ugly. I used to workout 6 times a week--now I walk up the stairs to my apartment and am out of breath. Then I tuck into drinking for the evening. My poor dog rarely even gets a walk--and we used to do 3 miles a day.
I make excuses to be around alcohol and excuses as to why I get so drunk (I tell family and friends that my "medication" for bipolar doesn't mix well if I take it too close to drinking. The truth is 1.) I am not supposed to drink at all on that medication and 2.) I stopped taking the medication weeks ago because I don't want my doctor to ask me about drinking (I told him I stopped back in August). I did stop--for 5 days. That is the longest I have gone all year without drinking-- 5 days.
I am a bit scared to give it up...because it does ease my anxiety. It makes me feel "normal" for the first few drinks. I have panic attacks and the doctors won't prescribe Xanax or klonapin to me anymore. So all I have had to cope is alcohol. I am not sure how I will do the first month or so without it. I do actually feel dependent on it now. In the past I just drank in binges. Now I think my body needs it because I have been drinking so regularly and in large quantities.
I ordered some herbal remedies that are supposed to take away the craving and taste for alcohol.
I want to go to AA. The community I live in is fairly small. And I know part of my reluctance is if I decide I can drink again (not that I think I should), and the people from AA meetings see me buying alcohol--they will judge me. I know it makes no sense.
For most of my adult life, I have NOT been a consistent abuser of alcohol. But I have had bad experiences with it. But I was very fit and a bit of a health nut.
I am tired of feeling sick and tired of hurting myself. I can't go to an inpatient rehab again--I would lose my job. And I do not want to tell my family what has been going on because they all think I am doing really well. They believe the medication (that I am not even taking) is helping me. It isn't. It wasn't.
We had a health fair at work and one of the biofeedback tests came back that I had a Fatty Liver. Of course, I have not looked into it because I haven't wanted to know the truth--especially if I was still drinking.
I have lost friends over things I have said when drunk (emails, texts). I have behaved poorly in my romantic relationships (not all a result of alcohol--but it certainly made things worse).
I am afraid that if I give it up and get healthy, that my life will still be terrible...because of the anxiety. It is an all-day, everyday issue. Literally. When I was taking the benzos, I led a productive life for 10+ years. Not to say I remember all of it. But I had friends, I was active, was able to function at work. Now I feel all uncomfortable and my head spins and my thoughts race and I have nothing to slow it down. Nothing but alcohol (I have never been drunk at work...so that is kind of hard now...particularly with the large weight gain.).
I need some help. I am hoping that you here can give it to me. I do think I will go to AA meetings. I am afraid of detoxing on my own. I don't know how bad a case I am now. I can go a day without alcohol, I'm pretty sure.
How do I detox? I don't want anyone to know. I am hoping I can just stop drinking and feel just more anxious and I can deal with that.
I do feel like a failure because everyone thinks I am doing so great now. But really I feel like I am dying inside and I drink when I am alone--and more when I am with others. I just pretend the first drink with others is actually my first drink period. Even if I have had 2 bottles of wine already.
Oh boy! It is weird actually writing this. I have been thinking these things, but to have it all here in front of me.
I'm tired of lying. I am tired of telling people I have "bad allergies" because my eyes are red and swollen from crying all night when drunk. I don't even HAVE allergies. I am tired of saying my "medication must have interacted weird with the wine" when I am not even ON the medication.
My whole life feels like one miserable lie. It needs to end. Something needs to change or I will be dead pretty soon.
Can you please help me?
-Nicole
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Nicole, Welcome to the Forum!! 
Soo much of your story reminds me of my journey, changing the places I would buy alcohol so the cashiers didn't get too familiar, the suicidal thoughts when drunk and the general miserableness that your feeling.
Quitting alcohol will turn all of that around, AA sounds like a good plan, your gonna need support to get you through the tough days after quitting.
In terms of detox, I'd touch base with a doctor, depending on how severe your withdrawals will be, they can be pretty serious.
Becoming Sober will be the best decision you'll ever make!!
Soo much of your story reminds me of my journey, changing the places I would buy alcohol so the cashiers didn't get too familiar, the suicidal thoughts when drunk and the general miserableness that your feeling.
Quitting alcohol will turn all of that around, AA sounds like a good plan, your gonna need support to get you through the tough days after quitting.
In terms of detox, I'd touch base with a doctor, depending on how severe your withdrawals will be, they can be pretty serious.
Becoming Sober will be the best decision you'll ever make!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
First.... thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story because it gives me further evidence and strength that I've made the right decision, that it really only DOES get worse, and that I don't ever want it to get worse.
Thank you for helping ME stay sober today.
My reflection for you after reading your story is this;
you have a giant pile of reasons to get sober and there is only ONE thing compelling you to continue; you're an alcoholic. Just like me.
You said you want to go to AA. Do it. Do it today. NOW. Look up your local meetings and get to the next one there is. Don't worry about judging, don't worry about maybe later. Don't worry about what people will think....
In fact, don't worry at all. Stop worrying and ACT.
You've taken a great and challenging step by writing all of that and sharing your truth with us here. From what I've seen and heard in the rooms, from what I've seen and heard amongst my friends over the years.... and from my own experience; YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.
The good news is; there is plenty of support available and you know what? People WANT you to succeed.
I want you to be sober.
I want you to succeed.
You can do it.
Thank you for sharing your story because it gives me further evidence and strength that I've made the right decision, that it really only DOES get worse, and that I don't ever want it to get worse.
Thank you for helping ME stay sober today.
My reflection for you after reading your story is this;
you have a giant pile of reasons to get sober and there is only ONE thing compelling you to continue; you're an alcoholic. Just like me.
You said you want to go to AA. Do it. Do it today. NOW. Look up your local meetings and get to the next one there is. Don't worry about judging, don't worry about maybe later. Don't worry about what people will think....
In fact, don't worry at all. Stop worrying and ACT.
You've taken a great and challenging step by writing all of that and sharing your truth with us here. From what I've seen and heard in the rooms, from what I've seen and heard amongst my friends over the years.... and from my own experience; YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.
The good news is; there is plenty of support available and you know what? People WANT you to succeed.
I want you to be sober.
I want you to succeed.
You can do it.
Sober from 11/19/13-1/18/14
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 177
Welcome to SR.
I don't really have any advice as I'm battling some not-so-fun sobriety anxiety/depression/apathy right now (I'm on day 47 I think). I can relate to much of your story. Hang in there.
I don't really have any advice as I'm battling some not-so-fun sobriety anxiety/depression/apathy right now (I'm on day 47 I think). I can relate to much of your story. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 34
Dear Nicole.
PLEASE get help. You will not believe how much pain your death would cause those around you. You sound just like my mother who killed herself just before her grandson was born. Also, I can very much relate personally. I don't know where you are in the world, so giving specific advise is hard. Just please don't die, get yourself detoxed and checked in to some psychiatric facility. Lots of love from someone who knows what you are going through.
PLEASE get help. You will not believe how much pain your death would cause those around you. You sound just like my mother who killed herself just before her grandson was born. Also, I can very much relate personally. I don't know where you are in the world, so giving specific advise is hard. Just please don't die, get yourself detoxed and checked in to some psychiatric facility. Lots of love from someone who knows what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: South Texas
Posts: 211
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: London
Posts: 1,010
I recognise a lot of myself in your story, right down to our ages. Welcome to SR and keep posting.
I was a wine fiend too. I had a brief stint in sobriety (almost 10 months) and then thought I could drink normally. I can hear that in your post as well. You feel that you can drink again. I tried that experiment and failed. Alcohol wants us dead, that is all.
S x
I was a wine fiend too. I had a brief stint in sobriety (almost 10 months) and then thought I could drink normally. I can hear that in your post as well. You feel that you can drink again. I tried that experiment and failed. Alcohol wants us dead, that is all.
S x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Posts: 159
Thank you everyone so much for your replies. I am feeling better already!, Making some coffee..and taking it with me on a nice walk with my dog. I found that there is a meeting tonight at 7:30 for AA. It isn't too far away. I know I will have to push myself there, but I think I can do it. I HAVE to do it.
I am so glad I posted this today. so, so glad.
Thank you!
I am so glad I posted this today. so, so glad.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: South Texas
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by nicole100 
thank you everyone so much for your replies. I am feeling better already!, making some coffee..and taking it with me on a nice walk with my dog. I found that there is a meeting tonight at 7:30 for aa. It isn't too far away. I know i will have to push myself there, but i think i can do it. I have to do it.
I am so glad i posted this today. So, so glad.
Thank you!
I am so glad i posted this today. So, so glad.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern California
Posts: 74
Hi Nicole...you sound a lot like I was...working, functioning and miserable. I would also drink a bottle of wine on a good day and a few on a bad day. You are not alone...I know too well that awful feeling trying to not drink and having alcohol withdrawals. It is miserable. Would you consider going to the ER for detox? It isn't really safe to try and detox if you are by yourself. Sending supportive thoughts your way....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Welcome Nicole
Thanks so much for telling your story! It is a poignant reminder of where I was headed a year ago and I still flirted with it again this year after I thought I could drink sensibly...I can't.
You helped me today, thank you!
I do hope you do whatever it takes to get well! You are worth it!!
Please try to make that meeting tonight and do come back and tell us how it went!
I also hope that you go back to the doctor and talk honestly about your desire to become sober and let them help you with the withdrawal. It can be dangerous doing it alone and you do not have to!!
You also might be surprised just how much your friends and family already know... I doubt you are fooling them as much as you think you are... Getting honest with the people who love us can help too!
Please be well Nicole and check in often!
Enjoy your walk with your grateful pooch! I bet he will love to get out too!!
Kat
Thanks so much for telling your story! It is a poignant reminder of where I was headed a year ago and I still flirted with it again this year after I thought I could drink sensibly...I can't.
You helped me today, thank you!
I do hope you do whatever it takes to get well! You are worth it!!
Please try to make that meeting tonight and do come back and tell us how it went!
I also hope that you go back to the doctor and talk honestly about your desire to become sober and let them help you with the withdrawal. It can be dangerous doing it alone and you do not have to!!
You also might be surprised just how much your friends and family already know... I doubt you are fooling them as much as you think you are... Getting honest with the people who love us can help too!
Please be well Nicole and check in often!
Enjoy your walk with your grateful pooch! I bet he will love to get out too!!
Kat
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Welcome Nicole!
I can relate to wanting to end it all when I was drunk. On several occasions I counted out paracetamol pills for an overdose. Thankfully I never went through it and would just pass out in a drunken stupor instead. Now that I've stopped drinking, I know I never again have to come round from a drunken pass-out and wander into the kitchen to find paracetamols everywhere. If I can get sober, you can get sober. But I only managed to do it with help and support, so I'm really glad you're going to get to that AA meeting.
I can relate to wanting to end it all when I was drunk. On several occasions I counted out paracetamol pills for an overdose. Thankfully I never went through it and would just pass out in a drunken stupor instead. Now that I've stopped drinking, I know I never again have to come round from a drunken pass-out and wander into the kitchen to find paracetamols everywhere. If I can get sober, you can get sober. But I only managed to do it with help and support, so I'm really glad you're going to get to that AA meeting.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Welcome Nicole. I hope being here will help with the anxiety you've been feeling. You are never alone. I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced, but glad you reached out and told your story. We care about you and want to help. 
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family. It is possible to get and stay sober, I'm proof of that. Come here and post and read instead of drinking. There is always someone here at all hours of the day and night.
It is possible to get and stay sober, I'm proof of that. Come here and post and read instead of drinking. There is always someone here at all hours of the day and night. Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 908
Your story really echoed with my own experiences. Alcohol actually makes my anxiety and depression far far worse, and it took an initial stretch of sobriety to see that. I'm still battling back from a relapse but I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. You can do this I would recommend seeing a doctor before withdrawing though.
Take care
I would recommend seeing a doctor before withdrawing though.Take care
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