CourtJester

"What do you KNOW about your RAK? You know he's a liar, you know he's gaslighting and trying to make you think you're crazy, you know he's having an affair. Even if you take the addiction out of the picture, is this STILL something you would want to be part of your life?"

The answer is NO!

That said, the lies and manipulation continue. The heartache continues. I'm working my own recovery and things seem to get worse; like he resents that I'm getting my own help so that I can deal with my own addiction - HIM!

Why do I keep thinking anything is ever going to change? The number of lies I've been handed in the last 24 hours? Are you kidding me? Does the "R"AAH actually think that I am this stupid or is it that I've never been in my own recovery before and he thinks that everything is as it's always been? Since I'm working my own program, is this his way of acting out or pushing my buttons in ways that would have always resulted in crisis in the past? What the heck? Hurting bad and struggling hard over here, but grateful for that phone list and that one voice in the dark of the night that kept me grounded and not crazy and freaking out.

CourtJester

I want the hurt to stop. I want to let go and not feel ANYTHING for this person anymore.

My therapist asked, "If he's never been able to be emotionally intimate or available with you after all this time, what makes you think he's able to give that to someone else in an honest way? What makes you think he can even be emotionally honest with HIMSELF?"

Valid points, those, but still....the pain goes on and on and the hurt, more and more. I get that when I get tired, I'll get off of the ride...

But you know what? THIS REALLY HURTS.

jjj111

CJ, I'm sorry to hear that your efforts at recovery seem to be amping up your husband's behavior. I think it's common when an enabler starts changing for the enablee to be very upset. Hopefully you entered into your recovery hoping to change yourself and not hoping to change him?

CourtJester

I started going to al-anon and nar-anon just the Monday before New Year's. I have to get help because I'm going to go crazy without it. I've had some BIG realizations since then: I can't control anyone but myself. I can't change anyone but myself. And I need some help and support with finding out how to live a different way. After 18 years of marriage and two kids, THIS IS HARD. Seeking out support groups for myself has always been discouraged in the past and now I'm getting behavior that challenges my ability to practice the detachment I KNOW I need to have for my own survival.

jjj111

Sounds like you have come to some major new insights recently! I think many here have found that it's just not possible to achieve lasting serenity while living with someone in active addiction. Sounds like you are on a good path to figure out what works for you!

CourtJester

I have had several light-bulb moments in the last two weeks. One of those being, "Just because your "R"AAH (who is likely a narcissist as well) isn't ACTIVELY using one of his DOCs, does not mean that he is ACTUALLY in recovery or working an honest program."

There have been so so many instances of getting clean and working a program over the years. This time around looks so different. Maybe because this time it's an opiate and not a stimulant. Maybe it's PAWS. Maybe it's just the addiction reaching critical mass. Maybe it's me, no longer being able to accept this. Whatever it is, it f'n hurts and it sucks and my kids are being hurt and damaged by this. Their relationship with their father is being destroyed.

jjj111

So what are you going to do differently to protect yourself and your children?

CourtJester

Today, I have boundaries that I have never had before. Myself and both of my girls are working with therapists, individually and as a family unit, with folks who have a strong background in family units where an addict is in play. My girls are not yet willing or open to al-ateen or nar-ateen and it's been suggested not to push that at this time. We go about our days, striving for as much normalcy as possible. Learning, extra-curricular activities, sports. Connecting with other families to spend time with where fun is the focus in a caring and supportive environment. Discussing how everyone has choices and that those choices don't always affect us the way we would like them to. Piling into my big bed and reading from the nar-ateen book. Lots of dialogue about how things have been, how things are and what the future holds for the three of us AS A FAMILY because none of us can control what Dad is going to choose to do. That it isn't them, or me, that it's his disease. The nature of addiction as a disease that has to be managed. I don't bring my emotional upheaval to them, because I don't think that's fair and I don't want to transfer my responsibility for my own crap to my kids. Of course they are aware that things "aren't right", since they've both interacted with our "R"AAH while he was active in his using of a variety of substances, but they are learning that THAT doesn't have anything to do with them, however it may have been projected. Telling a 14-1/2 year old girl "I'm using because I can't deal with the fact that you're growing up, you have your first boyfriend and colleges are looking at you with an eye toward athletics" is just WRONG on every level. It diminishes everything that this young woman has already achieved and will achieve. Telling an 11 year old, "I'm using because I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of you and you might have to give up your specialized academic program because of the problems I'm causing" is WRONG on every level. Folks further into their recovery have called me to the carpet for these kinds of statements; that they're judgmental towards our "R"AAH. These young women didn't CHOOSE this and I really don't believe that it's OK to project one's addiction onto one's children. As more is revealed in my own recovery, that perspective may shift, but today, I see the damage done to my daughters and I pray that through therapy, support and their own journey toward recovery, they will be able to make better choices in their lives than I was able to make for myself.

jjj111

Are you still thinking about renting a place apart from him, or is that off the table? I agree that his words to your daughters are deeply hurtful! Do you think it's healthy for them to continue to be exposed to his behavior day to day? Frankly, I don't think it's healthy for them from what I've read of your posts. But only you can decide what will work for you and your children. I wish you serenity!

CourtJester

Our move-in date is February 1. Not with him. Of late, the damage has been considerably less. He stopped actively using opiates and meth in April, went to treatment and then roller coaster really started. Fortunately, work and meetings keep him away until usually right before bedtime. The scenarios that I shared took place before he went to treatment, but were still and all very hurtful for the girls. And they are still processing it. The old one is very active in drama club and is hurt when Dad doesn't show up for plays. They are both athletes and are hurt when Dad doesn't make clinics, practices, games or tourneys. Both have commented that they are frustrated that he seems to view them as ONLY their sport, but then doesn't even come to watch them. I wish things could be changed much more quickly than they can be, but it is what it is for the moment. We can't control him. At this point, I don't even hope. I keep them and myself busy with things that are positive. Things that we enjoy and things that bring joy to us. It's the night time that is difficult for me. It's the lies that are difficult. Today I work at keeping my side of the street clean and not create crises. I keep a leash on my tongue and my opinions. Those are my business and his business is not my business.

Where I struggle is with boundaries and keeping them, trying to understand things that I may not ever understand and acceptance. I'm so new to this process and I know it's going to get better; it can't NOT as I grow within my own recovery.

jjj111

CJ, it sounds like you are taking many positive steps to cope and to help your daughters cope. I grew up with two alcoholic parents and wished all the time that one of them would get sober and remove me from the pain of addiction. I still feel bitter that that never happened. So kudos to you! I dated a cocaine addict a few years ago, and I felt a great sense of relief once I was no longer interacting with him on a daily basis. I hope you will find similar peace on the other side of this transition! Just curious, does your husband know you're planning to move?

CourtJester

Yes, and is not terribly thrilled with it.

jjj111

Oh, I understand a little better now why he is amping up his behavior. Have you ever heard of the extinction burst? A friend of mine alerted me to the concept when I stopped enabling my AXBF and he started behaving extra badly. The idea is that if someone is used to getting a certain reaction to certain behavior and then they stop getting that reaction, they will amp up the behavior in an attempt to elicit the expected reaction. He will probably continue to try to find every way to push your buttons and keep you involved in the cycle of codependency during this transition. I hope you can see his manipulation for what it is and stay strong! Good luck!

jjj111

The good news is that eventually most people will slowly learn that the behavior no longer works, after the burst doesn't get them what they want.

CourtJester

When he found that I was going to attend al-anon and then nar-anon, he behaved as though he was really very threatened by my seeking support and healing. I've never seen this before, but I've never been in recovery myself. Now, the meetings are a given. I'm going no matter what, because I NEED this for myself. What I'm seeing is exactly what you've described; ramped up behavior that just two weeks ago would have led to strong reactions from me, crisis and drama - buying into the manipulation. The gaslighting. I'm struggling with not owning all of that as if it were my own or that I deserve it. I don't minimize this at all - I recognize that I have made growth for myself in the last two weeks and I am not kidding myself about how difficult this is or is going to be FOR A WHILE. I had no idea how hard all of this was going to be.

jjj111

Maybe you can think of it this way: you have begun to change, and reconnect with your power to control what behavior you are willing to accept from him, and his extra bad behavior is evidence that you have changed. So in a way, this is an encouraging sign! Sorry, I know it's easier for me to say that than for you to feel it, but I do think this is a symptom of growth on your part.

zoso77

CJ,

When confronted with similar questions regarding my AXGF, I trained myself to answer why she did what she did with the following answer: because she's an addict, and because she's got a character disorder.

Your husband is what he is. He does what he does because he's a sick, sick man. Any effort you make to peel back the layers of this onion will drive you nuts.

As an aside, BTW, don't think for a second that he's not capable of doing the same thing down the road to the other woman.

I get your pain. I really, really do. But the pain will not kill you, even though it feels that way.

You can control your own actions and behavior when confronted with his. Protect yourself and your girls from him at any and all costs.

ZoSo

hopeful4

Good for you that you recognize all of this. You do realize that is half the battle?? The other big part is recognizing you and your children need support...and getting it! This really helped me to hear this. You are an inspiration!