SoberMama13

by God's grace I have not had alcohol or any other mind altering substance for 50 something days.....
everything feels like too much or too little..
wanting to get back into my art, I prowl my books for inspiration, it strikes fast and hard, and then when i go to my special art place to create, it flies out of my body as fast as it landed. it's too much, this creating. it's too much, all the things that i'm feeling.
having not yet returned to any sort of normalcy in schedule (out of outpatient rehab the week before the kids are home for 3 weeks), the things i'm doing feel like too little. unable to focus on step work (or anything) for any length of time, i feel stranded, lonely, flailing in the arms of my Savior. 1 more week till the kids return to school, facing 3 hours alone a few mornings next week for the FIRST TIME since getting sober, it all feels like too much.
I need the solitude, I need the steps, I need the fellowship.
And yet it's too... something.

It's been less than 2 months since I've embraced this sobriety. Less than 2 months! That's nothing compared to the decade I spent abusing my body, my soul, my brain. Why do I keep expecting all to be well within me?

My temporary sponsor has been largely unavailable. Not returning phone calls or texts. Clearly she has too many sponsees and not the time to devote to my recovery. Did I do something wrong? Has she already seen how flawed I am? Really it doesn't matter. But it still stings. Back to the drawing board on this one, too.

Sorry so long of a post.
Not even sure where I was going with it at this point.
Grrr.
Joy

deeker

Nah just find another sponsor.

p.s There is no place I'd rather be than in the arms of my Savior. He won't let you down and if you have faith your story is not over yet and it will get better. Don't get down on yourself. Sometimes we need a little jump start after the Holidays.

dirk626

I came off the rails right at 45 days. Hang in there and keep doing it.

SoberMama13

Care to expand on what you mean? Thanks so much. xo

dwtbd

A year ago , I wanted to be where I am now. But I didn't really think I'd actually be here, sober. In the back of my mind I always 'knew' I wouldn't actually quit, or if I did it would always be 'later', I convinced myself I was a quitter, not a Quitter, if you know what I mean.
I think part of that thinking may have been being comfortable with what I knew. Being actively addicted is hell, but its a hell I knew, in a strange way there is a kind of comfort in that. Hell right now I bet I could envision what a day would be like for me if I was drinking again. I think I know how I would feel.
Today , well hmm I'm sober , and I like it , plan on being this way forever, but its new , sometimes I feel lost and I don't like that. But maybe thats not so bad, it just may mean I have some stuff to learn so I can be comfortable in what I now know. Sorry rambling , but that is what your post brought to mind, I'd rather be uncomfortabel and not know whats coming, then be sure of what I know it would be like otherwise.

JaylaaKent

I've been in 4 months, already on my 3rd sponsor - the other two had major life events that really made them unavailable for much of anything other than to tell me to "Go to a meeting!" *rolls eyes* A sponsor though is NOT responsible for your sobriety, but definitely can help talk to you about what you're feeling and that it's TOTALLY normal. Frustrated, lost, confused - I compare it to be tossed off the Titanic with a life vest. The water is freezing, you want to go back to the boat (drinking) but it's a sinking ship and it's not going to do anything but kill me. For me, I went to a lot of women meetings, met other women (some crazy ones) but at least put myself out there. I call to talk to various women, and found my 3rd sponsor. I also think I have other issues (depression) that needs medication. Maybe you should talk to your doc about that? Try women only meetings, and definitely look for a new sponsor. Some have me call once a day and meeting everyday if possible. I meet with my sponsor a couple times month for step work. Some days I'm doing good and I don't call - just shoot her a text "Hey I'm alive and not drinking!"

ScottFromWI

I don't paricipate in AA but I'd also simply get a different sponsor. Don't make anything out of it more than it is, just find a different one. And remember that you can work steps and attend meetings on your own in the meantime.

Use SR as well, which you are doing right now if you didn't notice. There is a very active 12 step forum in addition to the newcomers forum as well.

It took me several months to get my motivation back on track, I still have some moments like that even almost a year in, but they are much fewer and farther between.

Above all though, remember that no matter how bad it is, it's still much better than how horrible you would feel if you were still drinking. And also that we never go back to "just a few to take the edge off". Alcoholism is all-or-nothing, whether drinking or not.

dirk626

For me I had made the decision to be sober after 30 years of heavy drinking. I had done a lot of reading to get ready and then jumped off. I found this site on Day 2 and began reading about others and posting. I was motivated and for the first 4-5 weeks had very little trouble. Urges were mild and few and far between. I only had one or two events that forced me to focus to get through. I was feeling great! Then at about 40 days or so I noticed that euphoric feeling of being sober was gone. I wasn't as inspired, nor was I as creative mentally. I felt dull mentally. I started to feel like..."this is it? This isn't really any better than being drunk." At 45 days I drank. I don't remember even arguing with my AV or having an overpowering craving or urge. I just stopped on the way home and bought beer and drank it. I drank off and on for a week and a half.

It's ironic but I'm back at day 2 again as I write this. I've learned more since day 45. I've learned about PAWS, which may explain some of what I was feeling, but I've also analyzed the circumstances around this last relapse and the one before that ended a 21 day dry spell. I won't extend this post by going into that, but it's on the last page of my "Day 2" post on the forum.

Mizzuno

You have all the resources that you need even if your sponsor is not "available." If AA is your thing, then continue going to AA and continue to build onto your network of sober people in your life. I would like to think that maybe this "sponsor" has too much going on in general, and if that is the case, I am not sure I would want this person as a guide.
You are doing all the right things and making the necessary decisions to move forward. I think that after awhile this lack of drive towards your art will stop lacking and you'll find inspiration. Art is like this, no? When I spent years writing, something I think I have to get into again, I would have inspiration and then I would have nothing. Its frustrating but there is a reason for it. I think you are fabulous. Remember that this forum is part of your recovery tools as well. So, post, post, post. The beginning of sobriety is not easy but worth it. If I were you, I would set up an art project with the children and see where that takes you.

Threshold

You sound pretty much normal for you number of sober days! Congratulations. It does get better.

I'd say find a new sponsor, because you know you need the steps right now! And I think you are wise that way.

I'm an artist too, and this time of year I have a hard time focusing...winter blues are VERY real..it's a physiological thing. Not something to beat ourselves up over.

You'll be fine. truly, drinking will not help any of this, but time and sobriety and working your program will.

big hugs.