Tegga

Hi everyone. Found this forum on a search and it looked like a good place to meet some kindred spirits and get support.

Just got my fourth DUI on New Years Day with the third still pending. And if all that isn't enough, I think I may be losing a girl who I'm completely head over heels for and had every intention of marrying. She also has a daughter who I'm equally crazy about. Just feel like I'm in the process of losing everything that means anything to me. Can't eat, can't sleep, going through cycles of feeling like I'm going to have a panic attack due to the sheer stress of not knowing if I can fix things with her.

I'm a blackout drinker. I can go for weeks, months at a time, no problem and I consistently convince at some point I can drink or two and be fine. And I usually can initially because I'm careful. Then complacency kicks in, 1 or 2 one time turns into 2 or 3 the next time, and sooner or later I'm back in the mindset where if I don't black out it wasn't a successful night out.
It feels good to get that out to people who will understand what it means, since most people have no idea why on earth someone who doesn't drink that often can't control how much they drink on the times that they do.

I've finally admitted to myself that it's no alcohol at all. I'm done tricking myself into thinking I can control it. I'm starting AA next week hopefully with a friend who has been in recovery and clean for years, and I'm actually excited about it. Excited to having people to hang out with and making new friends who are already in the same place I'm working to get to and actually understand where I'm coming from.

Thanks everyone for reading this long winded first post. Helps a little more getting it to people who will actually know where I'm coming from.

Odelle

Welcome to SR Tegga. I'm sorry that your life is in such turmoil right now, but you have come to a place where people do understand. No matter how bad it seems right now, this too shall pass and the future will be based upon the foundation you build now.

Coldfusion

Welcome, Tegga!

I really hope you do a lot of reading and posting on this forum, and get to an AA meeting soon!

Tegga

That's what I try to keep telling myself. Trying to just keep my head up at the moment, just a day at a time.

Dee74

Welcome Tegga
you've made a great decision - all I have now springs from the similar decision I made.

D

ronjohn

Welcome Tegga...

Sounds like you are heading in the right direction with your plans to quit.

Hope things turn better for you.

Tegga

Thanks guys. Hardest part right now is the anxiety and depression without alcohol as an option for coping. Never had an anxiety attack in my 31 years until a couple of months ago, and right now I'm still going through cycles throughout the day of being on the verge of having one or just breaking down and crying.

Trying my best to focus on the positives and bettering myself for my girlfriend and her daughter. I know I have to do this for myself as well, but right now I just still feel pretty worthless and know staying on course and showing her I can do this is the only chance of putting things back together. Although a big part of me feels like I don't deserve that at all.

But I'm still fighting.

Hevyn

Welcome Tegga. You are definitely not worthless. It's normal for your emotions to be all over the place those first few days. Please do see your doctor if you're worried about your withdrawal symptoms.

You are right - you must do this for yourself first. Be patient and kind to yourself as you heal - all things are possible, but focusing on your recovery is the main thing right now. You'll get through this phase, and you will be free. Congratulations on making this big decision. You can do it Tegga.

KateL

Welcome and I hope you get the support you need xxx

Anna

Welcome!

We do understand how hard it is to get through the early days. I'm glad you've decided to stop drinking.

ronjohn

Don't underestimate this form of therapy... I had a good 48 hours last time I quit of crying. To my wife, which was probably the hardest thing I ever did. I would sit in the shower and cry. It let all the bottled up emotion out...

Tegga

Oh I've done my fair share of crying, still am. Pretty much bawl every time I talk to my girlfriend. She's pretty much the only person I talk to anymore, which is what's making this so hard. Since she's trying to work through this and decide if she can still be with me, I feel like I have no one. I cut ties with all my old friends months ago to try to avoid anymore binges and never got around to making any new ones. Just focused all my attention on her.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

Great job on making the decision to be Sober!!

Kayla50

I'm going through similar things. Panic attacks, not eating, not sleeping, scared about loosing my job, my friends don't answer my calls. I'm soooo tired. Already thinking of an excuse to miss work tomorrow because I had a panic attack there on Friday and it was humiliating. I hate this. Need to eat but can't keep anything down. I've had two DUI's. I feel for you man. This disease sucks.

Tegga

I've been trying to find ways to miss work myself but I can't afford it so I don't have a choice. My problem is I work nights, sitting at a desk, alone, for a 10 hour stretch. Nothing to do but think. Not an ideal situation right now at all.

ronjohn

You might want to look at seeking an AA meeting. It sounds like you are lacking a support system and could use somebody to help hold your hand along the way. You might try joining a gym or some other place where you are likely to encounter sober people (just a thought).

Whether your girlfriend stays or goes, you need to get yourself straightened out or you will have the same issues with the next mate you find.

least

I'm glad you found us and joined the family. You've made a wise decision to stop drinking. Getting sober was the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Tegga

Starting AA this week hopefully. I've got a friend who has been sober and active inn AA for years now, and actually went on to be a substance abuse counselor. And I can say, I'm actually excited about going. Toyed with it before before never made that commitment. I know what I have to do now, no more fooling myself, and I'm looking forward to working my a$$ off to make sure this happens and what the future can bring. Being clear and admitting to myself I really do have a problem makes things a lot clearer. I feel like a weight has been lifted already. She's supporting me and wants to go to meetings with me, so I'm hoping that's a good sign.

I do want to do this for her. I want to give her the world, she deserves it. But I am doing it for myself as well. I know regardless of the relationship outcome, it has to be done, otherwise I will very likely end up dead or behind bars. Neither of which I'm anywhere near ready for.

I now there are going to be bumps and trials along the way. I'm still back and forth from hour to hour about being happy and excited about what I can do now that I've come to these realizations and being overwhelmed with sadness, regret, and anxiety about what I may be losing.

But I know I have to do this, I can do this, and I WILL do this.