EveningRose

My big goal for the next year is to find better balance in my life. I get very focused on something and don't seem able to spend a couple hours doing that, and then move on to something else I also want or need to get done. I'll do that one thing to the exclusion of all else, all day.

So some of the reading and learning languages I want to do has really slid badly lately. To that end, I made a notebook with sections for the things I want to do. Note that I want to do these things. They're things I enjoy.

Yet when I climbed into bed last night, under my wonderful new electric blanket, with a glass of wine and a great book I couldn't wait! I was so excited to finally get to it.

And then I realized...even when I'm doing something I love, I'm going at it like it's a military operation and lives depend on it. I had my notebook, I was going to take notes, I was going to make sure I recorded what I read this year in each category, so I could look back on this year as a success and see that I accomplished something. Yes, it went on The List because I really want to do it, and yet I realized I was doing it in part to check more things off the list for the day, to show myself how much I GOT DONE that day.

Is this what they mean by ACOAs can't have fun? Is being totally unable to relax part of it? Totally unable to just DO something and not have to have it mean anything or prove a point or satisfy a goal?

Is this part of being raised by an alcoholic, and if so, why?

Or is it part of being raised by a military officer who was himself a workaholic? Or was I just born with a Type A personality?

And what do the rest of you do about this sort of thing?

DavidG

My ESH... I did not launch into the New Year with big plans... I still have trouble starting things, following through and finishing things. I know exactly the reason why this is so. Some things I can do today- unlocking a lot of old messages- about not being good enough etc etc.

...trying far too hard, and then giving up, is a pattern for me. I got on emajor task finished today. Well actually I was digging out a currant bush that wasn't a currant bush. Little shares like this, and regular ACA contact is something I find helpful. Rome wasn't built in a day. It was built block, by block...



-Da.

NWGRITS

You sound just like me. I can never just DO something. I have to have everything just so, it's all planned out and has to stay on track. No advice, just empathetic (((hugs))).

zoelu

To do lists. I write so many to do lists- all the time! Things to do today, things that need to get done this month, things I want to do this year, things I want to do with my life. It's almost as if I think, by writing it all down, I'll have some clear, black-and-white path to follow and for once things will be simple- and everything I want to happen will happen. I'll write down what I'm going to do, then do it- what could be easier? But it's not easier, and it's certainly not normal. I think, "I'll get a massage, make a nice meal, have a glass of wine, and watch an episode of Pioneer Woman. Won't that be a nice, relaxing night?" But my brain doesn't shut off and the second I get to my massage, I'm anxious. It's like.. I know what I think would be relaxing, but once the "relaxing" thing is happening, I don't actually know what to do with it. And that glass of wine? Forget it. Either I think I'll save it for a special occasion, or I don't touch it in fear of it meaning I'd have something in common with my alcoholic mother.

NWGRITS

I feel guilty when I'm relaxing. Like, how dare I actually sit and do something for myself? I am supposed to be everything to everyone. That doesn't include me. *sigh*

ladyscribbler

...trying far too hard, and then giving up, is a pattern for me.

This is me too, David. I grew up with this kind of "all or nothing" attitude modeled. My (codie) mom is the type who will set a goal, then go about it in an absolutely insane and unrealistic way and then abandon it.
Something like "getting in shape" turns into- I have exercise for four hours a day. So she exercises for four hours one day, hurts herself so she can't move the next day, and that's the end of "getting in shape".
I used to do this to myself too, but I have (slowly) learned to take baby steps and do a little of what I want each day, but it took me a long time to get over the all or nothing mentality, which is pretty much a recipe for failure. And I am still constantly looking over my shoulder and feeling like a failure because I didn't do EVERYTHING.

Kialua

I guess I spent so much growing up looking for hiding places and solace that I crave it now in adult life to the extent that I can sit and do nothing for hours reveling in the peace and safety. It's quite a trap now. Even in school I would just sit and stare out the windows all day, never participate or do any homework, of course I couldn't do homework at home with WWIII going on all the time there.

But when I do tackle project I do it with gusto until it's finished. Hate leaving a project in progress.