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Need help with several really big issues

Old 01-04-2014, 04:37 PM
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Need help with several really big issues

I have several issues that I need to get off my chest and maybe some advice.

I am a very heavy drinker. When I drink I can consume up to 30 beers or equivalent with wine and beer. I notice after these huge binges my hands are not steady and my body feels electrified if that makes any sense. I can no longer go 3 days without a drink before I have some withdrawal. I have been a heavy drinker since my early 20’s and am now 36. I have been through an outpatient rehab, have seen 3 different addiction councilors and have attended AA for almost a year. I am now looking into Smart Recovery which matches closer to how I think.

The next issue is pretty complicated. I am a father of 2 very young boys, married, great career and own a house and 2 cars. With that being said I have cheated on my wife with 6 different women during the past 2 years. I travel a lot for my job and this is when I meet the other women. 5 have all been one night stands but the 6th is more complicated. I found her online and started texting her. This went on for an astonishing 6 months where I really got to know everything about her and I let her know mostly everything about me. I texted her one day and let her know that I’m married. She let me know that she already knew because who texts for 6 months without talking. I started calling her everyday and we met up on my business trips. I had the greatest time and was able to laugh and have fun again.

You may be asking yourself, “why is he cheating on his wife?”. I have asked myself this question so many times. I have come to the conclusion that I just don’t love my wife romantically anymore. My wife and I have been together for 13 years, 10 of those married. Now all we ever talk about are the kids and her family. I love talking about my kids but there is never any discussion about us. Our communication has been terrible since we met. I can no longer tell her most things because I do not want to fight with her. We get into fights often where they can go on for days. The last big one we had we fought for 12 exhausting hours straight. My wife can be a pretty harsh person to others. I no longer see my family very often because she despises them. We used to fight constantly about this because I really wanted to see my family but over time I gave up the fight and I see them now only several times throughout the year even though they only live 30 minutes away. I almost left her because of this. 6 years ago after my son was born. My sister picked up my son at thanksgiving and my wife lost it. My sister just wanted to hold him and show him off but my wife grabbed him out of her arms and said, “give me back my son!!”. I probably should have left then but things get much more complicated with children. My son is 6 and has never had a friend over because my wife simply does not like anyone other than her own family members, mainly her mother and brother. It's really hard to get to know other couples with children because of this as you can imagine. She lost her job recently because her own father fired her. My wife would only work 2 hrs a day and was making a lot of money. She got in an argument with her father about attending a meeting and she lost her job over it. Now she is a stay at home mother which is harder then working don’t get me wrong, but she complains constantly about being home with the kids too much. I now have to work a lot of overtime to pick up the slack of no longer having 2 incomes. Anyway, I could go on and on about our issues but you probably get the point.

The girl that I met up with after texting for 6 months is no longer in the picture. The guilt eventually got to her and she no longer talks to me. She told me that she loves me. Tell you the truth I love her as well. It was so nice to have someone to talk to that I could finally open up to. She is a great person and it was so nice to be able to communicate with someone without the constant glaring and fighting. When people say communication is the key to a successful relationship, they were spot on… I met someone that I could finally communicate with and that's now gone.

The reason I am still here with my wife is just the thought of not waking up and seeing my children every morning. The thought of not seeing them Christmas mornings and having them only on the weekends is killing me to think about. I love them so much and don’t want them to live away from me. So here I stay….. My drinking has increased immensely since I started the affairs. I feel so guilty. I shouldn’t be doing this. I’m married with two children, what is wrong with me? As funny and ridiculous as it sounds I even considered I had a brain tumor and went and got an MRI. I cannot understand my own feelings and am completely lost.

Anyway, be easy on me. I know it’s really easy to hate someone like me but hopefully I explained myself so you may somewhat understand. Please I am looking for advice on what to do.... not a hanging .
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Old 01-04-2014, 04:47 PM
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Hi goos

I'm not going to give you relationship advice. I'll leave that to others

regarding drinking, I think there's no situation so complicated that drinking can't make more complicated - or abstinence make less complicated.

I was a totally different person 3 months after quitting drinking. You might find the same, at the very least I think you'll find your head is clearer.

D
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Old 01-04-2014, 04:56 PM
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I'm no marriage counselor, so I will spare you the relationship advice, but I am a ex-drunk and drug addict whose moral compass was broke. Getting sober brought the real Doggonecarl to light. So I suggest, like Dee did, quit drinking and re-evaluate your marriage when you gain some sober time. It may not save your marriage, but you will be clear headed about the decision.

Your kids deserve a sober dad, married to their mom or divorced.
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Old 01-04-2014, 05:05 PM
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Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family.
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Old 01-04-2014, 05:36 PM
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SR can definitely help you with support if your desire is to quit drinking. Just to be clear, are you saying you still binge every 2 days or so, or was that prior to your outpatient program? Most programs I've seen wont take you unless you have already detoxes.

Getting sober will most likely allow you to make more clear headed decisions about your life. Honesty is also a cornerstone of sobriety, and it sound like you might need to use a little of that in your marriage as well.
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Old 01-04-2014, 05:48 PM
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I went through the outpatient program several years ago. I was sober for 90 days. I'm now back to drinking every other day or so.
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Old 01-04-2014, 05:52 PM
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I, just like the others stated am not a professional therapist,but I would like to say a few words of advice or suggestions...
First thing is you are very brave to get on with that story. I mean that in a good way. The first step to anything you want to fix, is to come to terms and admit something is wrong. It looks like you have started that. At least to yourself. No matter what, you have to look at the fact that you are not just telling this story to hear other people opinions. You have also told us this story because you may be starting to realize that truth and honesty with yourself is KEY when attempting to stop drinking. It might be that these other women keep your mind off the reality of life. I don't mean about you as a father(sounds like you love your kids to death), but you as a human being in general. It is natural for us to want to feel needed and we ourselves have to learn how to balance it properly. I am on DAY 8 without a drink and already feel confused and frustrated. It seems like with or without the other women, you are not happy with your wife. and have not been for a while...
You need to find happiness within yourself that has nothing to do with your wife, kids, or the other woman. Spend a couple hours alone and maybe think or write down what you are feeling at that moment. Then expand and write about reasons why you made these choices..then think about what needs to happen for ANYTHING to change. That includes cheating, drinking, fighting with the wife...I only say this because you did ask for some advice, and no one has the right to harsh on you when you come to this forum. It seems smart for anyone to either suggest no advice(like other posts) to give for the relationship with the wife, but can give advice on the relationship with drinking. Consuming the amounts you can in a day will definitely cause tremors and unsteady hands.
Do you go to counseling right now. I would suggest it, as well as being totally honest with your therapist. You need to talk to people about this and not let it continue. For your own sanity as well as the guilt you may feel later on down the line. Sounds like your kids love you, so think of yourself as their hero. How would they feel if they knew what Daddy did when he was with mommy? I say this with kindness because it can be a helpful tool when trying to organize your thought. Always remember you have little youngsters that look up to you and think you are the world. Show your kids that you are and can be the world. You have to give yourself strength and reason to stop. You had the strength to post this..i believe deep within you have answers to many questions as to why you have been living your life like this.
I hope you don't mind my words..I will not hang you for your post, but I would love to hear that you are trying to change the situation. Good Luck..
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Old 01-04-2014, 05:53 PM
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Okay, I will go out on a limb and give you a little relationship advice.

If, 'if' you don't want to be married to your wife, end the marriage before looking for a new partner. Do it the right way, if you decide to end it. If you want to stay married, why not try some couples counselling?

I think that if you stop drinking, you will have a much clearer idea of what you want in your life and which way to go.
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Old 01-04-2014, 05:54 PM
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Hopefully Smart Recovery will resonate with you. In addition to getting sober, perhaps some personal counseling, other than addiction, could be helpful. Getting sober and not cheating on your wife anymore are good places to begin.
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Old 01-04-2014, 06:00 PM
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Kflee,

This is the first I have told anybody about this. Something like this really eats at you and you have to get it out somehow. I was seeing a really good counselor who even purchased several books to learn about Smart Recovery and I stopped going to him. you're so right I need to give him a call on Monday. I feel so ashamed about this but you're right I need to be honest and do this. Thank you so much for your suggestions.
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Old 01-04-2014, 06:06 PM
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Honesty is the key, including with yourself. I personally found that I used alcohol to avoid being honest and simply postponing all my problems. Facing them is hard, but it is a lot easier when you aren't drunk.
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Old 01-04-2014, 06:07 PM
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While you certainly seem to have your list of issues regarding your wife, I would imagine that she has some of her own related to you. It's hard being married to someone with an addiction problem.

Re: your most recent affair . . . of course it was fabulous. You and your friend got to have fun and laugh because you didn't have to deal with any real life issues together. I would bet that the tenure of that relationship would change if you were raising kids/sharing finances/living together. That's so not fair to your wife, no matter how "harsh" she is. End it if you're not happy. Then, look for the person you want to be with.

Getting sober should be your first priority, then, figuring out whether or not you want to remain in your marriage.
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Old 01-04-2014, 06:21 PM
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Wow goos !! I completely get your situation. Its hard. Dee has some good thoughts. Listen

I will offer relationship advice because Ive been through 2 marriages but drinking as much as you are now clouds your real thinking.

Try it the sober way , I think you will be amazed at the clarity.
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Old 01-04-2014, 06:32 PM
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Hi goos, welcome to the board and kudos to you for having the strength and courage to post what you did. That was a lot for you and there's no judgement here. This board is a great place with a tremendous amount of support, stick around!

I see a lot of good posts from people and the one I really agree with is the sobriety issues. With what you're facing clarity is extremely important.

As for your relationship I only know what you've posted. However, and I say this in a caring manner, I'm sure that she has issues on her side too. That's not important but here's what is. If you truly believe in your heart that there is absolutely nothing left and you've both given it an absolute fair shake and worked at it then perhaps you're right, it's over. But, think back to what brought you two together in the first place. There had to be some good there in order for the two of you to get married and have 2 kids. It wasn't always all bad.

I spent many years of my life running from relationships once the romance and fun was over. I loved that feeling of being in love. The romance, the giddiness, the googly eyes. The 'you were the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep and the first thing that I thought of when I woke up". Those are all so much fun and exciting aren't they?

You know what though, it took me this time through, after being with my husband for 15 years and married for 11 this year to realize that none of what I said is really what love is all about. I'm thankful that I took the time this time through to work things through. Are we perfect? By no means, we still have some very large looming issues. However, I can tell you that every time that we hit a wall and have a large, overwhelming problem and we come out the other side together and intact that feeling far surpasses any of those feelings that you think are love in the beginning. I've come to the conclusion that true love is not defined by the good times and the fun. It's defined by working together and making it to the other side still intact. It's a powerful feeling and I highly recommend it.

If all is lost for you I understand that. However, if there is even one shred of your being that can look back at what brought you two together and tug just a bit at your heartstrings then maybe, just maybe there might be something worth pursuing. Again, this is tough because I only know what you posted and it's all according to how you feel.

Sobriety has to come first though.
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Old 01-04-2014, 07:28 PM
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Good luck with what the future throws your way. You must feel a great sense of relief if this was your first time telling anyone. Take the rest of night to pat yourself on the back for the start. There is never progress without a start. NOW you just got to do it. Keep updates. I'm sure we all would like and update. Other peoples progress helps me appreciate mine even more.
I agree with what everyone had to say, but I'm sure you realize that aspect.
Being sober will possibly change your perspective. Spend time with yourself. Those are the best times for our brain to decide to knack at ourselves with guilt, questions, anxiety etc. The crazy beauty of the brain.
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Old 01-04-2014, 09:18 PM
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Many years ago, I was in a similar situation. I was not unfaithful to my spouse, but I wanted to die. When I started seeing a counselor and explained my marital problems, she asked me if I drank and, if so, how much and how often. After hearing my response, she told me that she would not be able to help me unless and until I stopped drinking. I took her advice. I ended up divorcing my spouse, which was the most agonizing experience I think I have ever had. I wouldn't have had the clarity to go through it had I not gotten sober at the time. It was awful, but I ended up marrying an individual who was much better for me. (Now I am attempting to get and stay sober so that I won't lose this person.). Good luck to you.
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Old 01-04-2014, 09:33 PM
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As an alcoholic and a divorce attorney I will say get sober and get some time under your belt, go to individual counseling and reevaluate. I know this is hypocritical of me as an alcoholic very new to sobriety but even when drinking daily I would routinely refuse clients engaged inactive addiction because dissolution litigation and child custody issues are brutal, they bring even the healthiest person to their knees and one needs to have their head on straight before initiating the process. Also you need to be making decisions you will not regret and you need to get your mind healthy or on the path to a healthy mind.

Best of luck to you. You are brave to put this all out there.
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Old 01-05-2014, 07:30 AM
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Thank you all for your suggestions. I do need to be honest. I am going to schedule a visit with my councilor this week. I am nervous as hell thinking about talking to somebody about this but wow this really needs to change. I am so sad because of all of this and really need to get to the bottom of it. It's like both issues feed off of each other and both have become insanely screwed up. I think this may be a good starting place though. Here goes nothing.
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Old 01-05-2014, 09:05 AM
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I found when I decided I wanted to get sober it was easier for me to talk to a counselor because this is what they do for a living. They've heard it before and they're not going to have any judgment.
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Old 01-05-2014, 09:34 AM
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LEGALLYBRUNETTE IS CORRECT. You will not be judged from any counseling. If you are, find a better counselor. I was counselor for a clinic during my internship and your story is minor compared to most of the stuff I heard. Good luck with scheduling an appointment. One step at a time...and you began that...
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