BlueChair

Our vacation will be ending soon and we will be coming home. We did the marriage vow renewal and it was beautiful, this whole trip has been a wonderful time together. I have been feeling good, he has been good and then a couple days ago he talked to people at home. After that he slipped into this depressed, anxious mood where he got quiet and it was like you could feel the tension in all his muscles. He finally talked to me about how anxious he is about going home, how he is having trouble concentrating if he feels any type of pressure, he is worried about going back to work. The dist attorney I guess is waiting for him to give some kind of statement against the ex friends dealer, the house he ended up in and was found half dead. The ex friend was arrested for drugs a while back, other friends got him into a rehab but he walked out after a few days and I guess he has been bad off and has to go to court again soon. My husband and I don’t want to be involved in any of it. There is all this stuff and I know of course there is because he screwed up so much stuff during his binge, and now has to pay the price. His anxiety was bad for two days and he tried to keep active we went skiing, walked, and he said he wanted to drink but knew it was a bad idea and he didn’t have anything. He didn’t ask for any of the anti anxiety meds the doctor prescribed, and maybe I made a mistake but I asked if he thought he should use them. It is valium and the doctor only gave him a few for our trip because we are out of the country in case he had a problem. He took one and it did help after a little while, but then I found out he took another one and he admitted instead of swallowing it he snorted it. I caught him snorting it I mean he wasnt hiding the fact he was taking it that way, and he said he did it because it would enter his bloodstream quicker and I said no where on the bottle does it say empty the capsule and snort it up your nose and then he said all the bottle says it to “take” and how many hours. I told him I didn’t like it and it scared me. He said he wouldn’t do it again and agreed it was a bad idea because snorting coke is what got him started again. He ended up taking 3 in all over 2 days and it was under the amount prescribed.

Then yesterday the guilt I guess set in and he was upset he took any because he should have rode it out. And then last night he announces when we get home he wants me to go stay with my parents for a while because he doesn’t want me to have to go through what I went through during the anxiety attack. He said he knows he is going to have a hard time and he doesn’t want me to be hurt by any of it. He is not saying we cant see each other but he thinks it would be better for me to be stable at my parents and let him deal with it on his own until he gets himself right with everything. I am so hurt and confused right now. I know he was craving drugs when he was having the anxiety and he thanked me over and over for being there with him and now this. I told him we just renewed our vows and Im not going anywhere and he said his vows reminded him its his responsibility to protect me even from him. I told him no and he is basically laughing at me saying I know he is right and telling me that is the way it is going to be and to stop being stubborn and today he has been all over me telling me he loves me and it has nothing and everything to do with his feelings for me.

Does it sound like he could relapse or does he need this? Im so confused. He said he will call the doctor and set up some appointments for after we get home, and he doesnt want to continue outpatient anymore, and that is all I know right now. I don’t want to go home I have this happy place connected with “we are safe and happy here” and I have home connected to “if we go home I may lose him to this and its all going to be so hard”. I am going back to work the next day after we get home, I miss our pets, and if I have to go home then I want to go to our home, not my parents home. Im so angry with him right now for acting like he has all he answers and can tell me what to do, and Im hurt because I feel like he is pushing me away when I have been doing ok through his whole anxiety thing.

Kindeyes

Well.....it sounds as though you are "trapped" in a damned if you do-damned if you don't situation. Damned if you stay--he's upset because you didn't do what he wanted you to do. Damned if you go--you're upset and anxious because you did do what he wanted you to do. There is no win in that scenario as it stands. This is where the whole concept of self care comes in.

At times like this, it is usually best to choose to do what is BEST for you. Not what you want to do. Not what he wants you to do. But do what is BEST for you.

You don't need him to "protect you".......you need you to protect you. Calmly and with all the confidence you can muster......take care of you.....whatever that might be. Talking to a counselor at this point may help you achieve some clarity.

Early recovery is a rough time.......I wish you peace and serenity through it. You and your dear husband will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

suki44883

I can't presume to speak for your husband; however, him wanting you out of the house rings all kinds of bells in my head. Addiction wants us to isolate ourselves. Get everyone and everything that might interfere with using out of the way.

Another red flag was waiving when he snorted his medication. Old habits...something for you to be aware of.

I can understand his anxiety about going home, but we cannot run away from our problems. You are right when you say he must face the consequences of his actions, but he would get much support for that if he continued outpatient. The fact that he wants to quit that is another red flag.

None of these things, in and of themselves, means he intends to relapse. However, taken together, I am reminded that relapse occurs prior to picking up that first drink or snorting that first pill (which he has already done). If he's hanging around the house alone, it puts him in a dangerous position, IMO. Of course, if he's going to use, he's going to do so whether you are there or not. IMO, his reasons for sending you away are flimsy at best.

BlueChair

Thanks, I wish I knew what was best for me. I have never been through this before and I thought I did ok when he was going through the anxiety. I was aware but I tried to let him decide how to handle it. I tried to be supportive and we kept him active and did things we both enjoy like skiing and it did seem to help him when he got out and moved around. He has been through this before, and we were at home together when he was in the outpatient. But he acts like he knows already he is going to relapse or something when he gets home. Why else would he want me out of the way unless he is afraid. He is so pig headed when he wants to be, and now he is doing this self righteous thing about needing to protect me. I think that is what makes me most angry right now

BlueChair

I didnt see your post before I made mine. I think I am seeing or feeling all the red flags you mentioned. Especially when he snorted that pill and easily justified it. I wish he would go back to outpatient but he doesnt want to and when he talked to them at work the other day they were under the impression he was going to continue it and asked him when we got home to come in before he starts back and they would get him caught up and let him decide what he could take on and what time he needed away to continue the outpatient and then he told them he wasnt going to continue it. I think it threw them because they have done everything to support him and they asked what he was going to do and he said he would continue seeing the counselor from the rehab.

I guess I should plan on going back and making an appointment for myself. I thought maybe I could quit and now that is he no longer a patient then I have to pay for the counseling sessions for me and go from work and that whole thing.

dizzle00

If you're going to stay, it's probably best to focus on what YOU need to do to stay grounded--go to meetings, get your own therapist, focus on your pets and your job. God I wish this was easier to do than it is to say or write. But there are some red flags in your post, and I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Like suki said, if he's going to relapse, he will do so whether you are there or not. You can still love and support him from a distance--if you do decide to go stay with family. It's so scary, I know. My AH is just about finished with his 90 day rehab (30 days inpatient, 60 days partial hospitalization) and he will then be moving into an Oxford house for at least six months as well as 4-6 months of aftercare/outpatient. I think it would be more detrimental for BOTH of us if we were to live together right now. Good thoughts and hugs to you.

AnvilheadII

dangit, i'm really sorry you're STILL having to deal with all this, BC, especially when you were trying so hard to enjoy the time away. I too see big red flags...but what is important here is that YOU are seeing them too.

if you want to get technical, snorting the pill WAS a relapse....a relapse into drug using behaviors. back in the day, when we were smoking crack, on those in between days i'd get pretty antsy and reduce myself to crushing up No Doz and snorting them.....I know, blech....but it was white and powdery and burned like the dickens and I could trick my brain into thinking i'd just done some dope, and that would appease the jones for a bit. actually, it just FED the BEAST.

so he's all anxiety ridden, he wants to drink, doesn't, goes the pills, CHOOSES to snort one, gets caught and NOW all of the sudden wants YOU out of the house. and has already decided against continuing out patient, which was part of the deal with work. he's trying to run the show HIS way, call the shots, and I think we know where that leads.

i'm trying to imagine how I would react if hank out of the blue said maybe I should go stay elsewhere for a while. um, say what? this is MY house, my stuff, my home, and I will not be shoo'd away so you can "sort yourself out." you aren't a rent a wife that he can return when it suits him, honey!!!! to me this sudden change of plan seems to negate or diminish his whole bright idea of renewing VOWS.

I mean it's totally your call on what you do, but don't comply simply because he says so...

BlueChair

Whats sad is that I knew I was seeing red flags and I was letting him make me have doubts with all his talk about how it is for me because I didnt sleep good those days he was sick, how will I go to work when we get home without sleep, and how he is worried so much about me. What is crazy making is I have to remember he is fragile and addiction is still there. Addiction isnt rational, he wont be rational if addictive thinking takes over, and I think with the panic and fear of going home addictive thinking is trying to resurface.

I havent put any of my anger on him, he just thinks Im unhappy over his asking me to go and he is being extra sensitive now.

I feel better having the red flags validated. I called the rehab and made an appointment for us to restart our family sessions together two days after we get home. We had agreed to do this so there was no point putting it off. I am going to tell him I hear what he is saying but I cannot make a decision until we talk it over in our session with the doctor. Maybe it will blow his plan out of the water after he opens up his can of worms in front of the doctor, admits snorting a pill and having this sudden revelation I need to go to my mommy's. Wish me good luck I am going to tell him I made the appointment before bedtime, maybe I will sleep good tonight !!

jjj111

BC, I know this doesn't feel like a victory, but I think it's great that you're being so honest with yourself about the red flags popping up. It sounds like you got a lot out of your therapy sessions. Just a suggestion: maybe go into the family therapy session with the goal of getting some clarity for yourself? Going into it with the hope that he is going to see the error of his ways might be setting yourself up for disappointment. I hope you can rest easy tonight knowing that you are holding strong to the boundaries that you need to keep your serenity. Good luck!

needingabreak

Im so sorry BC as I know you were really looking forward The red flags are definitely flying so now you need to do what will be best for you. Im not sure why you would have to the one to leave as I do not know the arrangement. You cannot stop him if he chooses to go back to doing the drugs. The fact that he wants to stop outpatient is alarming and not good. What is going to best for YOU? I agree it is a double edged sword. I wish you peace and wisdom having to deal with this. Prayers coming as well.

gothbarbie

Sorry this has happened to you also :/ My XABF went to rehab & pretty much said the same thing to me but instead broke up with me so I've been dealing with a tremeendous broken heart as well. I guess in time this will all pass & will tell what lies in your fate with him. You're lucky as least he's still speaking to you, mine has not reached out to me in 4 months :/ Good Luck!

glitterdeva

Is your husband in AA/NA? Honestly, the only time my AH is sober and sane is when he is active in AA. The reason why I say it is because they always say in AA/NA that isolation can be deadly. Addiction is a horrible disease and staying in it alone and trying to fight it, in my opinion, is very very hard. If your AH had a sponsor he could call him, hit a meeting (they have AA/NA meetings everywhere, in many countries as well), he wouldn't feel alone, you know?

Chino

I think it's important to reiterate that ^.

Txhelp

Darn!

If my husband told me what yours told you...I would see it as "here we go again...he trying to avoid me." My RAH says..."I avoided you as you complicated me smoking my dope." I got in the way.

Your husband is what I call the addict's manipulative talk. He is "doing it for you....so he can protect you." Right.

hopeful4

Im sorry BC. Hugs

Lily1918

Yup. Same here. I have done this too. Its classic manipulation.

KeepinItReal

The part that hurts me is the betrayal. How can they give us up (kids too) to return to addiction.

I'm at the point that another full blown binge on my husbands part.... will be the final shove. I desperately want him gone because I know he needs long term help.

I personally know that the dice can be rolled. It will end with death: jail : recovery.

I hats how selfish my husband is.

zoso77

BC...do you realize how completely you are wrapped up in him?

When are you going to make room for you?

BlueChair

He agreed we would not make any decisions until we had our session and was surprised I called to get us back into the schedule already. He said he was going to call and make appointments for picking up again with his counseling and he hasn’t done it, but (( I )) was able to take action on this IMAGINE THAT. I don’t want to bring up all the red flags Im seeing right now, not until we get home and there are resources for him. We were delayed leaving for our trip in November because he had this same type of anxiety attack after spending Thanksgiving where there was distant family around, lots of questions, drinking, and mostly an uncomfortable situation for both of us. With that he did turn to his counselor and had sessions before we left where he worked through it. He has been fine until these phone calls home, and our time to leave go home face the music is almost here.

Not going to lie Im confused about a lot of things about addiction. This isnt the first time he asked me to leave. The first was when he was in the hospital and he felt hopeless. He told me he was never going to be better and I needed to leave him to die basically. Then in rehab after he came home on the first visit and he found drugs there and shot up then I got angry like I never have before and hope never to again. He told me I didnt deserve for any of this to be in my life. And then before he came home from rehab he offered to move out of the house for a while if it was something I needed because of still working through all that happened. But this time feels different like he is telling me what to do. I think part of it is him wanting to protect me but I think like the doctors said a relapse starts in the mind before drugs enter the picture. I feel like it is the anxiety of going home opening him up making him vulnerable to the addict thoughts inside.

We have been together almost all the time here but he has had a lot of opportunity where he could have went off and drank made excuses to be away and he hasn’t done it. I don’t think the addiction is in control right now but I think its stirring up.

We have had a good day and he is no longer bothering me over it, we agreed no more talk about it until we get home. We went to church services today don’t know if I mentioned the minister who did out wedding vows and how we talked to him a long time, my husband was very honest with him, this guy was wonderful and he invited us to the Christmas Eve service and we went. It was outdoors by candlelight and cold but beautiful and felt very spiritual. We went back for the service on New Year too. Today at the end the minister called a time for people to go up to the alter area to pray and he took my hand and we walked up there. Don’t know what he prayed but he had tears in his eyes, at the end the minister came over and gave us each a hug and I heard him tell my husband he was going to be alright and asked him to come and see him before we go home, and he said he would.

I love him so much and yes Im wrapped up in him especially since we have been here alone all this time and things have been very intimate and then he decides its best if I go live with my parents even though we just renewed our wedding vows. Its a little upsetting ! I feel confused and sad today more than angry at his trying to boss me around. Today that seems so trivial with what I know is under it all. Im scared and have a ton of questions things I don’t understand about this whole process. your replies have given me a lot to think about. Im grateful you see the red flags and are honest with me because I was getting confused and doubting myself.

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry BC, but I have to agree with the other posters.
You said it yourself--he is setting the relapse up in his mind.
Asking you to leave your home after renewing your vows is clearing the deck.

Renewing your vows effectively "locked you in" in a way. But it is a double-edged sword.
He can't have you committed and ready to be by his side, and then send you away
like you are a helpless child who cannot take care of herself.

He is the one with the addiction problem.
He has no right or earned mandate to boss you around concerning this issue.

Please think it through and do what is best for you.