Nikkabean326

My question as previously stated in the title is: Can binge drinkers ever have a healthy relationship with alcohol?

I had a conversation with my bf last night before bed about how we will be missing out on some experiences together. We both enjoy going to breweries. For example, two weeks ago we went to the Sam Adams brewery which was pretty informative and a lot of fun. In a week we are attending a BYOB painting class (my new found lifestyle will have me drinking some sparkling cider, yum!). There is a beer and chili festival that my town hosts every September and it's a blast.

My boyfriend was kind of.. saddened while we were having this discussion. He said that he wishes I could just manage my alcohol in a way that was healthy.. like a normal person. I told him that we both know that's not possible right now. Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. I constantly say I'll cut down my drinking but it never happens. He knows it and he thinks this is the best course of action for me and our relationship but, it still makes him sad.

So, back to my question. Have your or anyone you know ever developed a healthy relationship with alcohol or do you or they always go back to those old habits?

safe2breathe

in my experience - short answer - no - the only healthy relationship is one where there is no relationship -pick up a big book - chapter 3 and see how it fits you and him is my suggestion.

doggonecarl

Makes me wonder about his own relationship with alcohol that he is "saddened" by being unable to partake in alcohol-related festivities.

I've read where a lot of alcohol abuse is phase, such a college drinking, where one's drinking moderates when the person shifts to another phase. And maybe it is.

But I've never experienced it.

malcolmsloan

NIkka, I tried for years to moderate and control-to be normal. This is only my experience, and I cannot make a universal statement in response to your question, but for me, the answer is, no. However, once I made that decision, to not just stop but dedicate myself to living soberm, I became much happier-I stopped trying to fight and control something that for me was out of control.

safe2breathe

i had phase alcohol abuse haha - one phase preceded the next and the next and the next

Venecia

Hey Nikka: I think you answered your own question when you wrote "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results."

Moderation is not possible for me. Complete sobriety is the only option.

Since joining SR, I've seen many posts from fellow journeyers who thought moderation was possible. From what I can tell, the story always has the same ending.

Stay strong. There's plenty of fun to be had in the sober life! The other life? Not so fun.

Nikkabean326

My boyfriend has a very healthy relationship with alcohol and I just want to make that clear. It sounds weird that I'm admitting to him that I have a drinking problem and he's sad by the course of action that needs to be taken but I understand it. Trying new alcoholic beverages has always been our thing. We enjoy tasting. We enjoy exploring the flavors. We enjoy discovering new brews and the process that happens to create them. It is a hobby. He doesn't drink to get drunk. He drinks for the experience. I drink for the experience but I make sure the end result is a blackout in most cases.

Hawkeye13

I was almost two years sober when I took a group to the Budweiser brewery on a tour in St. Louis. They give you free drinks and snacks at the end, and I foolishly tried this "moderation" idea.

It ended up OK for a week or so, but then a nasty relapse. I was a binge drinker too, by the way.

So now I'm just past three months sober again after that "social drinking" attempt, and I do not believe anymore that drinking in moderation is possible for people like me. Too bad but there it is.

I'm a foodie, and was a big "taster" when I lived near NAPA and love microbrew and pairing food and booze. So I understand the flavor aspect.

If he supports you in your sobriety, he needs to let that idea go.
By the way, since that happened, I no longer crave or feel bad for myself about not being able to moderate. It is just how it is, and there are many fun things to do without drinking. So I'm not feeling sorry for myself either

anyistoomuch

Hi! Unfortunately, if you are an alcoholic - which I think you acknowledge you are - there is no way to drink safely. It is a progressive condition and there is no way around it. It is triggered by the first drink.

I am guessing that you were one of your boyfriend's drinking buddies and then you stopped.

I'm sure he understands that you need to take this condition seriously.

Yteirbos

I can speak from my failure to achieve a relationship with drinking. "NO." I was the guy who always said let's have a couple of beers and 12 later I could not function. Only way if you have issues with drinking is not to drink. Believe me it sucked having to make that call, but after I gave up all the places that required me to drink to enjoy myself it was well worth the change. IMO there is no such thing as a "healthily" use of alcohol for anyone who has had issues.

soberclover

Nope....moderation never works for alcoholics. They (including myself!) do give it a good ol' try assuming they will be one of the capable to do this mystical feat. It isn't possible.

safe2breathe

here it goes - when i stopped drinking - a part of me died - a best friend - it was what i did and what i knew -- From the sound of it - you were with your bf before the change in attitude and sobriety - i imagine this is tough on you and on him - because now - he is losing a part of what he identifies with you --- my suggestion is see if he will go to a meeting with you or maybe even go to Al ANon meetings ...

phoebe64

I understand your frustration. I was a food and wine enthusiast, and husband loved my cooking experiments and I turned him onto wine. He is a beer enthusiast, even has dabbled in brewing his own, and enjoys craft beers and microbrews and brewery tours, etc... Though, in my case, I do think my husband drinks more than is healthful, and is beyond a healthy relationship with alcohol, if I can even guess as to what a normal one is.

I do miss these things we did together. And he is not very proactive in any new ideas and seems to not be able to enjoy any outing without a beer or two, at least. If so much of your fun revolved around alcohol, I might suggest it is beyond a healthy and normal relationship with alcohol. There are movies, hiking, beaches, museums, music(can get tricky as many venues do incude alcohol), theater, etc... Loads of things to do that have little to do with alcohol. Maybe he needs to branch out with you?

I wish we could get to that. Just working on my own sobritey for now. Married almost 19 years and 2 kids complicates things too. But, if I were just dating him, had no kids, and trying to be sober, in my situation, personally, the drinking as it is now, would likely be a deal breaker.

Give it all time. it is great you two are discussing it. But, do not let him talk you out of sobriety, if you think it is your best course.

Yteirbos

here it goes II- My wife had a heart issue and had to stop drinking with me as we watched baseball, something we did together for years. I was so upset that she was not drinking I actually got mad. I made her feel bad so she would have one just to make ME feel better! I have clue who that person was that could be so self centered on his drinking that he ignored his wife's need. Seriously stop if you can.

Yteirbos

I totally endorse the above- I gave up sports which was the biggest environment and adopted new place.

CallMeButch

I live in Atlanta and drinking is a HUGE part of the urban culture here. There are literally a dozen or more festivals intown that are solely devoted to different types of drink (wine, beer, bourbon, homebrewing, national local brewers, etc.) that take place throughout the year. Hell, you can't even go to a local restaurant or coffee shop without an extensive wine and beer offering on the menu. So I get it being part of daily life.

I'm in the process of mourning those activities and finding new ones. It sounds like drinking related events were a large part of your bonding and social time with your guy, so you're both going to need to be proactive in finding new, sober ways of having fun. Instead of the BYOB painting class maybe you could find archery lessons. When your beloved booze festival is taking place, maybe take a weekend trip out of town together. I hope this helps.

Oh, and to answer your question the only way I know to answer it is with what my drug and alcohol counselor explained to me in college: "You were raised in an unhealthy alcoholic environment. You have always drank in unhealthy ways. You have put yourself in unhealthy situations when you drink. Simply put: your relationship with alcohol never has and never will healthy. That's much easier to accept than trying to change it."

DarkDays

My boyfriend has a very healthy relationship with alcohol

How does anyone have a healthy relationship with a toxic drug ?

Brainwashing and conditioning from an early age is what keeps people trapped drinking any amount whatsoever.

HenryKrinkle

It took me a while to realize that if I could have "normal" relationship with alcohol and drink in moderation, I would be doing that and I wouldn't experience problems that I did.

I know that one or two beers doesn't work for me. I actually feel worse after drinking one or two. I get an uncomfortable itch, one that can only be satisfied by more beer.

On many occasions in the past I've chosen not to drink at all, because I knew I would have limited access after just a few (out to dinner before a play or movie, etc.) I'd much rather have none at all than just a few.

That's not a normal relationship with alcohol. I'm glad I'm able to recognize that and stay away from it altogether. Permanently, as of 12/1/13. That's the only way for me, and I'd guess that's the same for the overwhelming majority of the folks out there like me.

safe2breathe

i took it the statement as he isnt a problem drinker and can control it with little to no effort - a "normal" person i guess ...

but i was thinking ... it seems that a great deal of the activities he enjoys and partakes in are directly related to alcohol ... not "oh there may be alcohol" but the events themselves are CENTERED around it ... this is a little alarming to me - bc when i was drinking - i made pretty much made certain all events were centered around or related to alcohol - or that it would be available- maybe just take my own ... it is important to remember that alcoholism can take many forms ... black out drunk is only one example -- the individual who comes home and has 3-4 drinks to relax and unwind can be another example ... but if it is so much a part of his life - then maybe there is more to the story --- would he be attending these events if he couldnt drink ? and if not - why not? == also if not - then why is he "suggesting" that you do just that ... would he rather you be drunk than sober?

Joe Nerv

I know a bunch of people who had that experience. None of those people had any problem reeling it in though. They said, this is crazy, and they stopped doing it. If someone can't do that, then I'd have to say there's clearly a problem. And from all I've experienced and witnessed with alcoholism, there's no turning back. It's a bit cliche in AA, but once a pickle, there's no going back to a cucumber.

As for the boyfriend situation, if what you say is accurate, he might very well have no problem with alcohol. I have 2 thoughts regarding the situation you're in. First is that he'll get over it, and you guys will find other things you enjoy doing. Second is he'll continue to complain which would mean to me either, A. What you think regarding his drinking isn't entirely accurate, or B. Alcohol is more important to him than you are. And while I wouldn't push the latter on him (and think it would be better to just give it time), if this is the case I hope you realize what's more important here.

My wife was one of those college drinker/druggers. I can count the amount of drinks she has a year on one hand. She does that partially out of respect for me, but mostly because the drinking lifestyle has nothing to offer her anymore. She has no problem whatsoever not drinking.