Avoiding confrontation yet not getting walked all over
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 377
Avoiding confrontation yet not getting walked all over
I just have to start off by saying I am tired of being everyone's doormat. Through my sobriety I am learning that I am important and I am allowed to want respect.
My sponsor tells me all the time to avoid argument, and as much as I want to agree with her, I am fuming mad right now.
I just got back to work after almost 3 weeks away (vacation and some days closed due to snow). I am a children's librarian in a small town. When I came in this morning my director informed me that the children's room was a mess and that there were stacks of books needing to be put away. These were her words "we didn't know what you would want done with all of the Christmas books." WHAT???? Shelve them, DUH!!! This isn't the first time, actually, this happens often and I am tired of no one putting effort in to helping me. I always make sure the upstairs is shelved and tidy and it is never reciprocated.
Sorry for the rant, but before getting sober I always just said "its ok" and went about being a doormat. I am seeing things clearer now but am not sure how to deal with this situation.
My sponsor tells me all the time to avoid argument, and as much as I want to agree with her, I am fuming mad right now.
I just got back to work after almost 3 weeks away (vacation and some days closed due to snow). I am a children's librarian in a small town. When I came in this morning my director informed me that the children's room was a mess and that there were stacks of books needing to be put away. These were her words "we didn't know what you would want done with all of the Christmas books." WHAT???? Shelve them, DUH!!! This isn't the first time, actually, this happens often and I am tired of no one putting effort in to helping me. I always make sure the upstairs is shelved and tidy and it is never reciprocated.
Sorry for the rant, but before getting sober I always just said "its ok" and went about being a doormat. I am seeing things clearer now but am not sure how to deal with this situation.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I avoided confrontation like the plague (hey, I also used to be a children's librarian in a small town!)
I am learning how to do it. because it's part of life. Because not doing it led to me doing stupid, drastic, self destructive things. Too much causes panic, so I work on it, and it gets better. I get braver. I get more willing to face things as I get some practice under my belt.
I used to be very all or nothing...and go into tail spins...I avoided confrontation because in my mind, before I'd even attempted it, I assumed the WORST possible outcome due to my all or nothing thinking.
In recovery I've learned the value of honesty, reality checks. Hardly any situation is all or nothing. I honestly cannot know what the result of most things in life will be. The reality is that most things have NOT turned out as badly as I expected, and even when they do...they can still be managed. So, little by little I learn to live.
I still tend to avoid confrontations until they become unavoidable...but I'm working on it.
I am learning how to do it. because it's part of life. Because not doing it led to me doing stupid, drastic, self destructive things. Too much causes panic, so I work on it, and it gets better. I get braver. I get more willing to face things as I get some practice under my belt.
I used to be very all or nothing...and go into tail spins...I avoided confrontation because in my mind, before I'd even attempted it, I assumed the WORST possible outcome due to my all or nothing thinking.
In recovery I've learned the value of honesty, reality checks. Hardly any situation is all or nothing. I honestly cannot know what the result of most things in life will be. The reality is that most things have NOT turned out as badly as I expected, and even when they do...they can still be managed. So, little by little I learn to live.
I still tend to avoid confrontations until they become unavoidable...but I'm working on it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Standing up for oyurself is not the same as being confrontational. You can choose your words and tone carefully. I used to be the person at my old job, who got the difficult clients, because I seemed able to handle them, without argument or confrontation. Or at least, with a positive outcome.
For example, in your above situation: Are there people who float and shelve books? I would reply matter of factly and confidently that, "I will need support staff today to assist in getting this shelved, while I tend to patrons." or something to that effect, depending on what real support you do or do not have. Clearly you do the same for others, as you have stated. It is not defensive, it is not attacking, but addresses directly the need you have and the greeting you received. It is rude to just leave all the books the entire time you were away, provided the library was otherise open and staffed during that time!
Of course, it is often hard to say an appropriate thing when we are caught off guard, and sometimes best to stop and think about it for awhile. I do that with my kids!
Of course, I do not mean to tell you what to do, but was trying to make an example of a response that is direct and standing up for yourself, without arguing or blaming, or being contrite.
I shelve books at our school library. Volunteer. Cannot say I love doing it, lol. But it needs doing! I do like the autonomy and solitude.
For example, in your above situation: Are there people who float and shelve books? I would reply matter of factly and confidently that, "I will need support staff today to assist in getting this shelved, while I tend to patrons." or something to that effect, depending on what real support you do or do not have. Clearly you do the same for others, as you have stated. It is not defensive, it is not attacking, but addresses directly the need you have and the greeting you received. It is rude to just leave all the books the entire time you were away, provided the library was otherise open and staffed during that time!
Of course, it is often hard to say an appropriate thing when we are caught off guard, and sometimes best to stop and think about it for awhile. I do that with my kids!
Of course, I do not mean to tell you what to do, but was trying to make an example of a response that is direct and standing up for yourself, without arguing or blaming, or being contrite.
I shelve books at our school library. Volunteer. Cannot say I love doing it, lol. But it needs doing! I do like the autonomy and solitude.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by rochele 
Standing up for oyurself is not the same as being confrontational. You can choose your words and tone carefully. I used to be the person at my old job, who got the difficult clients, because I seemed able to handle them, without argument or confrontation. Or at least, with a positive outcome.
For example, in your above situation: Are there people who float and shelve books? I would reply matter of factly and confidently that, "I will need support staff today to assist in getting this shelved, while I tend to patrons." or something to that effect, depending on what real support you do or do not have. Clearly you do the same for others, as you have stated. It is not defensive, it is not attacking, but addresses directly the need you have and the greeting you received. It is rude to just leave all the books the entire time you were away, provided the library was otherise open and staffed during that time!
Of course, it is often hard to say an appropriate thing when we are caught off guard, and sometimes best to stop and think about it for awhile. I do that with my kids!
Of course, I do not mean to tell you what to do, but was trying to make an example of a response that is direct and standing up for yourself, without arguing or blaming, or being contrite.
I shelve books at our school library. Volunteer. Cannot say I love doing it, lol. But it needs doing! I do like the autonomy and solitude.
For example, in your above situation: Are there people who float and shelve books? I would reply matter of factly and confidently that, "I will need support staff today to assist in getting this shelved, while I tend to patrons." or something to that effect, depending on what real support you do or do not have. Clearly you do the same for others, as you have stated. It is not defensive, it is not attacking, but addresses directly the need you have and the greeting you received. It is rude to just leave all the books the entire time you were away, provided the library was otherise open and staffed during that time!
Of course, it is often hard to say an appropriate thing when we are caught off guard, and sometimes best to stop and think about it for awhile. I do that with my kids!
Of course, I do not mean to tell you what to do, but was trying to make an example of a response that is direct and standing up for yourself, without arguing or blaming, or being contrite.
I shelve books at our school library. Volunteer. Cannot say I love doing it, lol. But it needs doing! I do like the autonomy and solitude.
If not, then other people will need to step up and help with patrons if you are the only one who can do it. I wouldn't work overtime to fix what should have been handled while you were away, but it doesn't have to be a confrontation either.
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