What to do with his jeckyl and hyde attitude?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: trelleborg
Posts: 7
What to do with his jeckyl and hyde attitude?
Hello all,
I have an ex alc. 4 years sober with a recent relapse due to our problems (clean and going back to Aa now) whom I left due to lies, no trust, cheating emotionally, dry drunk behavior and no support. He was a crappy boyfriend.
But.. I love him. There are times when this wonderful person emerges and I am just addicted to him.
this person I love has emerged less and less as time had gone by, by me putting my foot down, expecting some respect and love back.
The more i demanded, the more he pulled away, in the end i just had to end it..
But now he hates me as i texted the girls he was carrying on with, young girls..to warn them,, he hates me for telling the woman i caught him cheating with to back off, told her boyfriend also.. He totally plays the victim now.. Sure, i could have handled things better.. But at the time, I was raging from his jeckyl and hyde behaviour.
Thing is, now I am trying to be there for him, as a friend.. And he can be sweet one moment and dead stone cold the next.. Its really hurting me, and i dont know how to handle this... How does one handle this coldness from someone who claims to love ya yet treats you like ****..
Any help would be greatful
I have an ex alc. 4 years sober with a recent relapse due to our problems (clean and going back to Aa now) whom I left due to lies, no trust, cheating emotionally, dry drunk behavior and no support. He was a crappy boyfriend.
But.. I love him. There are times when this wonderful person emerges and I am just addicted to him.
this person I love has emerged less and less as time had gone by, by me putting my foot down, expecting some respect and love back.
The more i demanded, the more he pulled away, in the end i just had to end it..
But now he hates me as i texted the girls he was carrying on with, young girls..to warn them,, he hates me for telling the woman i caught him cheating with to back off, told her boyfriend also.. He totally plays the victim now.. Sure, i could have handled things better.. But at the time, I was raging from his jeckyl and hyde behaviour.
Thing is, now I am trying to be there for him, as a friend.. And he can be sweet one moment and dead stone cold the next.. Its really hurting me, and i dont know how to handle this... How does one handle this coldness from someone who claims to love ya yet treats you like ****..
Any help would be greatful
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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If you just want to be there for him as a friend, then you have no business contacting his friends, etc. It's hard to blame him for being angry that you chose to do that.
In my opinion, the best thing to do would be to just not have any contact with him. It sounds like you're still too emotionally invested to be just "friends."
In my opinion, the best thing to do would be to just not have any contact with him. It sounds like you're still too emotionally invested to be just "friends."
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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I agree with some of what Suki wrote. You have to let him have his own life. If he wants to talk to young girls, that's his business. Even if you are really angry at someone, you have to respect their boundaries. Plus that just makes it look like you are not over him and are trying to sabotage his relationships to keep him.
Only be his friend after you have been apart from him for a while. I would say at the minimum 6 months. You need some time to pull yourself together and switch the focus to your life. Get into counseling, start going out with friends, meet new people. Maybe after some time you will be ready to date again. Once you are at the point where you have moved on, and you don't expect or want anything from him, only then can you be his friend.
Only be his friend after you have been apart from him for a while. I would say at the minimum 6 months. You need some time to pull yourself together and switch the focus to your life. Get into counseling, start going out with friends, meet new people. Maybe after some time you will be ready to date again. Once you are at the point where you have moved on, and you don't expect or want anything from him, only then can you be his friend.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
His actions speak much louder than his verbal claims to "love ya"
Why are you torturing yourself?? He was a crappy boyfriend as you admitted...What makes you think for a second he will be a better friend to you???
Do yourself a favor and move on. You cannot be friends with this man... You are still in love with an idea of him that has never held up in real life. Get yourself better honey and find someone who will treasure you!!
You deserve that!
Why are you torturing yourself?? He was a crappy boyfriend as you admitted...What makes you think for a second he will be a better friend to you???
Do yourself a favor and move on. You cannot be friends with this man... You are still in love with an idea of him that has never held up in real life. Get yourself better honey and find someone who will treasure you!!
You deserve that!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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I agree with all of you, to some extent I am still hoping there is some way to pick up the pieces and find our way back.
When we see each other, it's great.. We are both kind and sweet and loving.. and the friend boundies always get crossed... When I go gome and try make contact again he is cold and downright rude.. Yet he still tells me he loves me, misses me, has no one to talk to etc. I am the one that broke it off and well aware that if things dont change now, they never will. It's just very hard letting go of someone you love.
But it's time to pick up the peices for myself I guess.. move on, try avoid him best I can.. I suppose for his own good and mostly mine..
Just.. a very confused state of mind here
When we see each other, it's great.. We are both kind and sweet and loving.. and the friend boundies always get crossed... When I go gome and try make contact again he is cold and downright rude.. Yet he still tells me he loves me, misses me, has no one to talk to etc. I am the one that broke it off and well aware that if things dont change now, they never will. It's just very hard letting go of someone you love.
But it's time to pick up the peices for myself I guess.. move on, try avoid him best I can.. I suppose for his own good and mostly mine..
Just.. a very confused state of mind here
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
The behavior is by design and he is getting exactly what he wants it keeps you off balance and questioning , it keeps you in the game.
IT is emotional abuse and very cruel it is damaging to your emtional well being. THE jekly and hyde will bring you to your knees
google the silent treatment and if you havent any support alanon or a counselor please consider it may be helpful to you . HE is hurting you on a deep level.
IT is emotional abuse and very cruel it is damaging to your emtional well being. THE jekly and hyde will bring you to your knees
google the silent treatment and if you havent any support alanon or a counselor please consider it may be helpful to you . HE is hurting you on a deep level.
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Trying to remain friends with an X you claim to be "addicted" to isn't any different than an alcoholic trying to moderate their drinking. It is torturous and very likely to be unsuccessful. The better path to recovery is though abstinence.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by Shadiesweden 
I agree, and I have made my apologies ho him and the girls.. Though to my derence, I did this while we were still together and going back and forth.. But I agree, totally wrong of me.
But I do agree with SoarkleKitty's advice.
You said you are addicted to him - much like he is addicted to alcohol.
You say you're trying tty be there for him as a friend - may I gently ask, is that really true, or are you actually interested in getting back together?
Take care of yourself, and go from there.
Peace.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I am struggling with same thing with my separated AH. I feel everything you are saying. At some point you just eventually get sick being hurt. That is what has finally happened to me. He's so up and down and I love him but refuse to go on that emotional ride with him and show my children I tolerate that.
We would be getting super close and I would be hopeful of some change, then he just would shut down again, to keep me at a distance. He is so imbalanced with the games he played but now I am taking responsibility for playing these games with him. I deserve stability and trust and as long as I entangle myself with him, I will not have a chance to have a better life.
It is painful but I once heard in a movie "these things always end badly or else they wouldn't end". I agree. You know in your heart you deserve more and you have to ask yourself the hard question of why you tolerate this treatment. When I genuinely answered that question to myself, that's when my healing began.
We would be getting super close and I would be hopeful of some change, then he just would shut down again, to keep me at a distance. He is so imbalanced with the games he played but now I am taking responsibility for playing these games with him. I deserve stability and trust and as long as I entangle myself with him, I will not have a chance to have a better life.
It is painful but I once heard in a movie "these things always end badly or else they wouldn't end". I agree. You know in your heart you deserve more and you have to ask yourself the hard question of why you tolerate this treatment. When I genuinely answered that question to myself, that's when my healing began.
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Shadiesweden,
dabbling in a friendship that is clearly toxic with an XA is like an A trying to moderate: a recipe for failure and heartache.
You feel as if you still love him but you do realize that feelings are from brain chemicals dumping and hormones right? Your body and your heart are not your logical side of your brain that can think and make decisions that are not based on feelings.
If you want to get better, find a new life with a healthy partner and not feel this way anymore the BEST way... the quickest way is to go no contact... zero contact. To detach completely... this means not contacting others and "warning" them about him and his defects! You wouldn't want him to do that to any new friends you met regardless of age!
You have to let him go...completely. Just like the scene in Titanic where she let go of his hand and slid into the depths of the ocean. You have to move on or just decide to stay in the misery of where you are because it usually doesn't get better than where you are now!
That is what I found out in my journey to release my XA... I couldn't get better until I set him free to live or die, drink or not drink, make poor decisions or good decisions without my hovering, helicoptering, judging, hand wringing... etc.
Don't give him space in your brain IF you want to be free of him forever... that is the solution.
dabbling in a friendship that is clearly toxic with an XA is like an A trying to moderate: a recipe for failure and heartache.
You feel as if you still love him but you do realize that feelings are from brain chemicals dumping and hormones right? Your body and your heart are not your logical side of your brain that can think and make decisions that are not based on feelings.
If you want to get better, find a new life with a healthy partner and not feel this way anymore the BEST way... the quickest way is to go no contact... zero contact. To detach completely... this means not contacting others and "warning" them about him and his defects! You wouldn't want him to do that to any new friends you met regardless of age!
You have to let him go...completely. Just like the scene in Titanic where she let go of his hand and slid into the depths of the ocean. You have to move on or just decide to stay in the misery of where you are because it usually doesn't get better than where you are now!
That is what I found out in my journey to release my XA... I couldn't get better until I set him free to live or die, drink or not drink, make poor decisions or good decisions without my hovering, helicoptering, judging, hand wringing... etc.
Don't give him space in your brain IF you want to be free of him forever... that is the solution.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
hi
i am sorry that you are hurting.
this man does not bring value to your life. he detracts from it. he betrayed you and you made the wise decision to move on. he wants his cake and to eat it too. he wants everything he wants. he is not giving you what you need. you accommodate him when you are there for him and then when he has enough he is cold to you (which btw he makes you think is also your fault so he can pull you back in later...he has the ultimate control). there are people in the world who will not treat you like this. work on your self esteem (you are worth it) and be with people who bring value to your world and respect you.
hugs
i am sorry that you are hurting.
this man does not bring value to your life. he detracts from it. he betrayed you and you made the wise decision to move on. he wants his cake and to eat it too. he wants everything he wants. he is not giving you what you need. you accommodate him when you are there for him and then when he has enough he is cold to you (which btw he makes you think is also your fault so he can pull you back in later...he has the ultimate control). there are people in the world who will not treat you like this. work on your self esteem (you are worth it) and be with people who bring value to your world and respect you.
hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Confusion lies in the fantasy of the happily ever after theme your trying to have with this guy. There is nothing confusing about reality and the reality is that you are willing you accept what ever crumbs this guy throws your way.
Your hanging onto words he uses to get what he wants from you at the moment he wants it. And after he has gotten that (you cross the just fiends line) he's cold and uncaring and keeps you at a distance until he needs something again. That's not love or respect.
His actions are clear but you are not ready to accept this reality, your still wanting that fantasy.
If we can't accept someone for exactly who they are today then we have no business being in any kind of a relationship with them.
At some point in time we have to accept that it really has very little to do with them and everything to do about us. We need to work on us and get ourselves to a healthy place where unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
Your hanging onto words he uses to get what he wants from you at the moment he wants it. And after he has gotten that (you cross the just fiends line) he's cold and uncaring and keeps you at a distance until he needs something again. That's not love or respect.
His actions are clear but you are not ready to accept this reality, your still wanting that fantasy.
If we can't accept someone for exactly who they are today then we have no business being in any kind of a relationship with them.
At some point in time we have to accept that it really has very little to do with them and everything to do about us. We need to work on us and get ourselves to a healthy place where unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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We are both kind and sweet and loving.. and the friend boundies always get crossed... When I go gome and try make contact again he is cold and downright rude..
I think that's known as a booty call. he gets what he wants and then he's done with you again.
only you can decide if you are worth MORE>
I think that's known as a booty call. he gets what he wants and then he's done with you again.
only you can decide if you are worth MORE>
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
We are both kind and sweet and loving.. and the friend boundies always get crossed... When I go gome and try make contact again he is cold and downright rude..
I think that's known as a booty call. he gets what he wants and then he's done with you again.
only you can decide if you are worth MORE>
I think that's known as a booty call. he gets what he wants and then he's done with you again.
only you can decide if you are worth MORE>
You really really need to not be involved with this person at all
from what you've posted. He's using you.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
We are both kind and sweet and loving.. and the friend boundies always get crossed... When I go gome and try make contact again he is cold and downright rude..
I think that's known as a booty call. he gets what he wants and then he's done with you again.
only you can decide if you are worth MORE>
I think that's known as a booty call. he gets what he wants and then he's done with you again.
only you can decide if you are worth MORE>
Yes. Yes that it is.
If so it would also mean I really am a stupid bitch.
Thanks for putting that in one easy to understand sentence, Anvil.
Thanks.
[/Thread Highjack]
====================
Back towards the start, you may need to understand that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde were the SAME person. Even the AA Big Book uses your terms, thought that may interest you.
---------------
AA Big Book, from Chapt 2.
Here is the Fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
===================
Back to Anvil's point . . . Here is something you may need to understand . . . .
A's are Users.
They use Alcohol. They use Drugs. They use Things. They use People.
Users Use. It is what they do.
Sometimes *we* confuse being Used with being Loved.
I sure seem to.
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