Inca

Hi-

I had a weird situation tonight. I went to a dinner party with the group that I used to do most of my heavy drinking with. I haven't outright told them that I don't drink anymore, I just haven't been drinking around them anymore and they haven't really seemed to notice.

So there were about 5 bottles of wine that were ordered for the table and when the bill came, the host split it evenly. I pulled the host aside and told her what my portion was and that I didn't have any wine and it turned into a big deal. She got frustrated, others at the table heard it and I finally just said to use my card to cover what was left in the bill.

How have others handled this type of situation? I really didn't want it to turn into a big deal but I don't really want to keep paying for everyone's alcohol when we all go out either. Advice?

Inca

Renarde

Yuck! I might stop hanging out with these people. How unpleasant and unfair.

KateL

If I am out with my best friend I do fair rounds because in the UK a soft drink is the same as a beer. But if it cost me dear, I would certauinly say, I will go alone, thanks. I am only drining soda.

deeker

Yah if they are friends they would have the common sense to know you were not drinking and curb your portion of the bill. I had to stop hangin around people who drank. I wanted to give myself the very best chance.

Inca

Thanks guys. Yeah I don't go out with this group that often, only special occasions.

LegallyBrunette

First of all this person was not the "host" as when you host you do not ask others to pay. Second, friends don't freeload off of friends. As someone who would watch everyone's consumption to ensure I was not being shorted I will tell you that when sharing wine it is usually quite apparent when one person is not partaking. So honestly you were not the one that made it a big deal. Next time ask for a separate check.

Dee74

splitting the bill is often a hassle, alcoholics or not.

You stood your ground and made a reasonable request. I'm sorry the reaction meant you had to cover the rest.

D

safe2breathe

im with Legally - he/she made it a big deal - not you - i am sure it was quite obvious that you had no drinks - i know it is sometimes shame, or guilt, or whatever - but if these are your friends, why/how do they not know of your sobriety? - hate to say - but i know when my "friends" found out i was sober - it wasnt long that i realized - i didnt have many "friends" around anymore .....

Mentium

Personally if it was a bunch of friends and we were splitting I would just my whole share of the total bill. After all if someone has an expensive steak and another person just a simple salad one doesn't quibble over what is a fair share.

On the other hand if my 'friends' made a big deal out of it I wouldn't repeat the experience,

safe2breathe

i dunno -
if i ordered an expensive steak and saw the others order salads and items that were far less i would insist on having my own
bill or paying for a larger portion.

FreeOwl

tell them....

Here's why I think that.

When we try to act it out and not really talk about it, we retain that feeling of secrecy - we're trying to sort of "hide" something. That means we're carrying shame. We're afraid of what our friends will think. That puts us into the corner and gives our Alcoholic Voice the ability to sneaktalk us the whole time "Ha! SEE??? you're DIFFERENT!!! What if they find OUT!!! What will THEY thinK???"

It weakens our standing and then puts us also into the position of getting the opportunity to harbor resentment.... "DAMN. I had to pay WAY more than my fair share!!!!" That affords the AV the opportunity to say **** like "Well if we're going to have to PAY like that we may as well get to DRINK!!!"

Just find your own way on your own time to tell your friends... one on one... at a group dinner... in an email.... whatever works for you. "Hey all... listen; I've come to the conclusion my life is better off without booze. I appreciate all your friendship and I don't want that to stand in the way and I don't want to feel weird and I don't want YOU to feel weird about it - but here's where I stand. And, I may not be up for plunking down an equal share on big-drinking nights because that'll sometimes feel unfair to me, I really hope you'll understand".

This is standing in your truth and it sets you free of Shame and Resentment - two BIG fuel factors in relapse.

The people who really care about you will embrace this and will support you all the way.

The people who don't - aren't your friends anyway.

Dee74

There's another side to that tho Free Owl...

when I quit I told everyone, for many of the same reasons you delineated above....I wanted no bolt holes to hide in.

But people did act weird, they didn't what to say, they tried to hiode their drinks or excuse their drinking.. more seriously, some dear friends worried (a lot) about me, and some felt guilty they didn't know how bad things were....

I totally failed to consider just how my announcement would affect others...which fitted in perfectly well with where my head was at then...me me me.

These days I just tell people I don't drink - noone needs to know more than that...
low key, no drama, cos I realise now it shouldn't be just about me.

JMO

FreeOwl

Yep... that makes sense. I suppose that's why I say "tell them in your own way". It doesn't have to be "Hey I'm an alcoholic". It can simply be "Hey, I've decided I'm not drinking anymore".

or

"You know, when I decide not to drink, I hope you won't hold it against me if sometimes I choose not to join in an even split of a big bill...."

Just finding a way to voice it seems important to me - but I totally get what you're saying. It's a tough balance because when people DO act strangely or awkward it only engenders that "I'm DIFFERENT" feeling and makes things harder - at least in my experience.

But like my sponsor always says - the ones who really love you will embrace and support you. The ones who were really only there for the drinking you will fade over time. And that's gonna happen!

shadesofgray

I'm going to have the same issue shortly... in my culture it's customary to split the bill independent of what food/drink one orders and refusing to do so is considered highly offensive. I don't hang out with alcoholics, but most of my friends will have 2-3 glasses of wine with their meal when eating out. I'm trying to frame the thing in terms of "These people paid for my drinks for years", as I normally had way more than 2-3, so it's fair turnabout.

safe2breathe

but like your sponsor said _--these sound like things that would have all happened eventually anyway -- to this day people are weird or awkward sometimes around me - or "well i didnt want to drink around him bc i know he doesnt drink"

and here people have to know why - maybe it is a location thing, idk - but people just cant accept that choice usually -- what do you mean? why not? or just a oh?!? - sometimes i explain sometimes i just say im allergic or something
- i dunnno - youll figure out your way just like everyone else i guess...

DarkDays

If I go out with people that are drinking at a restaurant, I just split the bill as said above I could start looking through bill and comparing dish prices etc.

Not as if it happens every week now anyway

Lorax1981

You save a ton of money not drinking in general (I do) so it's okay to splurge on dinner out with friends. But letting friends know that you are not drinking is not a big deal, assuming your friends are decent people. You don't have to say you're an alcoholic but you can say you don't like feeling like crap in the morning. If I disclose anything it's usually "too much of a good thing ya know". And if someone is interested I'll tell them my story. When you say "I'm not drinking" it usually sums it up and you'll get some peer pressure but it won't take long before your friends accept it. Plus it enforces your decision to yourself (the person it matters to). If your friends are getting wine and you're splitting the bill get steak and lobster:-)
-Ted