Doing the right thing
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Doing the right thing
Knowing what the next right thing is, believing in your core that it's what you have to do, doesn't make it any easier to do it 
This is so hard! I've made my choice and I know it's the right choice, the only good choice I can make. But I'm sad. I think it would help if he were being a jerk about it but he's not. He's hurting, too. In this moment, he's not an A. He's the sweet, loving, broken man I married. I'm just so incredibly sad
Please tell me how I get through this? And, especially how I do it without making DS think it's his fault? Because it so is not his fault. All of the cracks were there, we just chose to ignore them until ds shined the light on them. Or, rather, AH shined the light on them and DS chose to run for cover, smart boy that he is. I am excited to get ds home, so that's the enormously wonderful silver lining in this thundercloud. How do we tell DD14?
This is so hard! I've made my choice and I know it's the right choice, the only good choice I can make. But I'm sad. I think it would help if he were being a jerk about it but he's not. He's hurting, too. In this moment, he's not an A. He's the sweet, loving, broken man I married. I'm just so incredibly sad Please tell me how I get through this? And, especially how I do it without making DS think it's his fault? Because it so is not his fault. All of the cracks were there, we just chose to ignore them until ds shined the light on them. Or, rather, AH shined the light on them and DS chose to run for cover, smart boy that he is. I am excited to get ds home, so that's the enormously wonderful silver lining in this thundercloud. How do we tell DD14?
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It can be sad and the right thing at the same time JustAgirl.
I would just make it clear to DS that it was mine decision, explain why I took it and be open to talk about it – if I were you.
Be strong – things take time.
I would just make it clear to DS that it was mine decision, explain why I took it and be open to talk about it – if I were you.
Be strong – things take time.
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JustAGirl---sometimes, the A gets help only when we get out of their way. Remembering this might help you to know that it is the most ultimately loving thing that you can do for All concerned.
So many, here, have had to walk the same path that you are now following. Take some strength from them.
It is very hard, I know--but your life will have the chance get easier in the weeks and m onths to come. Short-term pain for long-term gain.
dandylion
So many, here, have had to walk the same path that you are now following. Take some strength from them.
It is very hard, I know--but your life will have the chance get easier in the weeks and m onths to come. Short-term pain for long-term gain.
dandylion
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Thanks, soberhawk. I hope ds won't feel responsible but I guess it's a common feeling when your parents split up? Mine have been married for almost 50 years so not only do I have no personal history with separation/divorce, I also never experienced it as a child despite my father's alcoholism. Actually, since AH is my only serious relationship, I really don't even have experience with the break up of a relationship. But, I'm not the first person to be in this situation and certainly won't be the last.
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Yes, you are doing the right thing. Hold your head up mama, because it's not only right, it's brave, courageous and bold! YOU are strong and YOU aren't going to stand to have your son to be hurt by your husband's choices any longer.
It is going to hurt at first but it WILL get better. You are going to be happy again. It will be better than it is right now, for you and for your children. Your husband has made his own choices and HE has to live with those choices, not you, not your kids.
I'm applauding you and rooting for you!
P.S. I think your son knows it's not his fault, which is why he chose to be away from your hubby in the first place. Kids, especially teens, are smarter and more intuitive than we give them credit for. Just be open and honest with him, same with your daughter.
It is going to hurt at first but it WILL get better. You are going to be happy again. It will be better than it is right now, for you and for your children. Your husband has made his own choices and HE has to live with those choices, not you, not your kids.
I'm applauding you and rooting for you!
P.S. I think your son knows it's not his fault, which is why he chose to be away from your hubby in the first place. Kids, especially teens, are smarter and more intuitive than we give them credit for. Just be open and honest with him, same with your daughter.
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Years of being team captain had to eventually pay off somewhere. Seriously though, you're doing something that most people don't realize how truly difficult it is. It's a very tough decision even if it's the only right one there is.
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Originally Posted by Stung 
Years of being team captain had to eventually pay off somewhere. Seriously though, you're doing something that most people don't realize how truly difficult it is. It's a very tough decision even if it's the only right one there is.
I'm sure you were a great team captain!It really does help to know other people are going through something similar. I can't imagine doing this with small children like you are... I'm hoping now that this hurdle is over I'll be able to sleep again. Waking up at odd hours of the night sucks.
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how do you do it?
at some point, you just suck it up and deal. you have a plan, you have the money, and you just GO. you can have talks with your son AFTER you get resettled. it would behoove you both to make the transition as quick as possible, not drag it out, not try to have that last great family event.
your husband is a big boy and can work thru this in his own way. you are not responsible for how HE feels. only for how you feel. when things are over, they're over and it's best to just accept that and get on with it.
maybe that sounds cold or something. i'm only speaking from experience, two marriages that ended (couple medium term relationships also ended). yes it's an ending....but it's also a glorious new beginning. focus on THAT. the new. setting up shop in a new place. finding new places for things. decorating. getting new checks, maybe with a cute design. putting things exactly where YOU want, exactly the way YOU want them, and having no one to answer to.
life goes on. our choice is whether to go along with it, or stay stuck while life in all it's grace and glory passes us by.
at some point, you just suck it up and deal. you have a plan, you have the money, and you just GO. you can have talks with your son AFTER you get resettled. it would behoove you both to make the transition as quick as possible, not drag it out, not try to have that last great family event.
your husband is a big boy and can work thru this in his own way. you are not responsible for how HE feels. only for how you feel. when things are over, they're over and it's best to just accept that and get on with it.
maybe that sounds cold or something. i'm only speaking from experience, two marriages that ended (couple medium term relationships also ended). yes it's an ending....but it's also a glorious new beginning. focus on THAT. the new. setting up shop in a new place. finding new places for things. decorating. getting new checks, maybe with a cute design. putting things exactly where YOU want, exactly the way YOU want them, and having no one to answer to.
life goes on. our choice is whether to go along with it, or stay stuck while life in all it's grace and glory passes us by.
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Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
Knowing what the next right thing is, believing in your core that it's what you have to do, doesn't make it any easier to do it This is so hard! I've made my choice and I know it's the right choice, the only good choice I can make. But I'm sad. I think it would help if he were being a jerk about it but he's not. He's hurting, too. In this moment, he's not an A. He's the sweet, loving, broken man I married. I'm just so incredibly sad
Please tell me how I get through this? And, especially how I do it without making DS think it's his fault? Because it so is not his fault. All of the cracks were there, we just chose to ignore them until ds shined the light on them. Or, rather, AH shined the light on them and DS chose to run for cover, smart boy that he is. I am excited to get ds home, so that's the enormously wonderful silver lining in this thundercloud. How do we tell DD14?
This is so hard! I've made my choice and I know it's the right choice, the only good choice I can make. But I'm sad. I think it would help if he were being a jerk about it but he's not. He's hurting, too. In this moment, he's not an A. He's the sweet, loving, broken man I married. I'm just so incredibly sad Please tell me how I get through this? And, especially how I do it without making DS think it's his fault? Because it so is not his fault. All of the cracks were there, we just chose to ignore them until ds shined the light on them. Or, rather, AH shined the light on them and DS chose to run for cover, smart boy that he is. I am excited to get ds home, so that's the enormously wonderful silver lining in this thundercloud. How do we tell DD14?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
how do you do it?
at some point, you just suck it up and deal. you have a plan, you have the money, and you just GO. you can have talks with your son AFTER you get resettled. it would behoove you both to make the transition as quick as possible, not drag it out, not try to have that last great family event.
your husband is a big boy and can work thru this in his own way. you are not responsible for how HE feels. only for how you feel. when things are over, they're over and it's best to just accept that and get on with it.
maybe that sounds cold or something. i'm only speaking from experience, two marriages that ended (couple medium term relationships also ended). yes it's an ending....but it's also a glorious new beginning. focus on THAT. the new. setting up shop in a new place. finding new places for things. decorating. getting new checks, maybe with a cute design. putting things exactly where YOU want, exactly the way YOU want them, and having no one to answer to.
life goes on. our choice is whether to go along with it, or stay stuck while life in all it's grace and glory passes us by.
at some point, you just suck it up and deal. you have a plan, you have the money, and you just GO. you can have talks with your son AFTER you get resettled. it would behoove you both to make the transition as quick as possible, not drag it out, not try to have that last great family event.
your husband is a big boy and can work thru this in his own way. you are not responsible for how HE feels. only for how you feel. when things are over, they're over and it's best to just accept that and get on with it.
maybe that sounds cold or something. i'm only speaking from experience, two marriages that ended (couple medium term relationships also ended). yes it's an ending....but it's also a glorious new beginning. focus on THAT. the new. setting up shop in a new place. finding new places for things. decorating. getting new checks, maybe with a cute design. putting things exactly where YOU want, exactly the way YOU want them, and having no one to answer to.
life goes on. our choice is whether to go along with it, or stay stuck while life in all it's grace and glory passes us by.
I agree that we need to separate sooner rather than later. He's agreed to move out but realistically & financially, the end of the month is the soonest that can happen.
Thank you for the reminder that I need to let him deal with his feelings on his own. Its a concept I have difficulty with. Went straight from doing that with my AF to doing it with my AH.
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