JadeSatellite

I have not posted in a while, because my partner and I have fallen on even harder times. We both had to move back in with our respective families after our jobs reduced our hours to the point that we could not pay our rent or utilities. It feels like I've truly hit rock bottom, and most days I feel like I'll never be able to climb out.

It can be an extremely frightening experience to find yourself alone, confused, and stumbling in a dark void towards nothing. It’s the bottom, and you can’t find a wall or ladder to try and climb out. You don’t know which direction to turn to, there is no up or down, and when you call out, there is no response, no vibration, not even the hint of an echo. You wonder, do I even exist anymore? And while it may feel that you are gone, you know that not to be the case, because you are still aware of the intense fear and panic shaking inside your veins.

But if you continue to surge forward with that last glimmer of hope left in your bruised heart, and strain your eyes with the last of your waning strength, you will eventually find the Spark. I can tell you, it is far away and faint, its dim and weak fire struggling itself to keep burning. But it is there.

The journey will be long and painful. It will torture you so that you think you’re at your breaking point. The path is overgrown with sharp thickets and weeds whose only purpose is to slow you down, beat you up, and hinder your pilgrimage. But your true destiny will not end with you recoiling in anguish and heartbreak among the thorns; trust that the Spark, though it seems distant and beyond your touch, will keep the hope in your breast burning like a fire. It is urging you forward with its distant tingle of warmth, and feeds your arteries with the strength to advance, persist, and endure.

I must believe that if I keep fighting ahead, that spark will glow brighter and brilliant, until I can almost touch it, the flames dazzling and soaked with determination. The Spark is what keeps you going until you reach your destiny. You may falter, you may fall on your knees in agony, you may believe that you can’t get back up again. Fate does not come easy, but it is written in the swirling inferno of each star, each constellation, that you will not fail.

Poor Sling Spark | all i need is a Spark…

ScottFromWI

Glad you are back Jade. Glad you have a family to go back to as well, many people don't have that option so do consider yourself lucky in that respect. You have use here at SR so you aren't alone either. Happy to hear that you see a glimmer of hope - because you can do this if you want to. How can we help?

JadeSatellite

Well, I just wanted to share and write a little bit. I blog, but I also find putting my feelings here gives me a chance to have an actual conversation. In one way, being broke and unemployed helps with not drinking, because you can't buy any (har har).

least

KateL

Your writing is lovely. Glad you are safe, and you will get your light back if you look for it hard enough xxxxxxxxxx

JadeSatellite

Thank you, KateL. I am trying to write out my feelings.

Dee74

I've been unemployed and living with my parents too in the past.
I was also actively drinking...so you're ahead of me on that score

Things can do and will get better Jade.

D

EndGameNYC

I've followed your struggles here, JadeSatellite, and it doesn't seem that you're struggling with sobriety so much due to lack of effort or motivation. I don't know what the answer is for you, but it does seem that something different needs to be tried.