How to work w/ a sponsor
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 51
How to work w/ a sponsor
For those more experiences what is the appropriate role of a sponsor? How much control should they have over your life? Is it okay as the newbie to recovery to draw some lines in the sand? For example, say sponsee is mother to a 20 month old is it okay to say "hey sponsor hands off my parenting decisions. My toddler is incapable of sitting through a meeting without getting frustrated and I am uncomfortable exposing him to the adult language and themes since his understanding of verbal and nonverbal communication is far ahead of his ability to process the meaning of that communication." In sum, how does a sponsee set boundaries or is setting boundaries just not something you do?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 553
I like to have an initial meeting with a potential that I would like to work with to see if it would be a good fit. Everyone has something they are looking for in a sponsor such as availability, style, how they work the steps etc. Often a sponsor will sponsor their sponsee in a similar way that they were sponsored so it's good to learn a little bit about what that would look like. For example, would they want you to call them every day just to check in? Do they expect that you'll go to their home group? I know someone who wouldn't sponsor anyone until they had done a 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days). Everyone's different.
So to answer your question, I think it's definitely ok to have a boundary setting discussion on both sides. A suggestion would be though to not over think it too much. Some people are in a search for the "perfect" sponsor and then they don't get one for a long time and don't get the benefit of working the steps as soon as they could. It's not a binding agreement or anything. There are plenty of sponsor-sponsee relationships that don't work out and it's always ok to find a new one. The important thing is to get started so you can start changing.
So to answer your question, I think it's definitely ok to have a boundary setting discussion on both sides. A suggestion would be though to not over think it too much. Some people are in a search for the "perfect" sponsor and then they don't get one for a long time and don't get the benefit of working the steps as soon as they could. It's not a binding agreement or anything. There are plenty of sponsor-sponsee relationships that don't work out and it's always ok to find a new one. The important thing is to get started so you can start changing.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I already don't see that one working out LOL
Anyway, here is the official AA pamphlet about sponsorship. I hope it will answer some of your questions.
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
Anyway, here is the official AA pamphlet about sponsorship. I hope it will answer some of your questions.
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 51
Thank you guys I am very very new to sobriety and I love this woman. I credit her with getting me to take the steps to get off anti anxiety meds as well as alcohol and she really helped me to admit I have a real problem. However, she has no boundaries at least from my perspective. She calls me multiple times a day to conduct inquiries into what I am doing and demands to know everything from my sex life to business transactions. The last straw came when she just now chided me for not wanting to bring my so to a meeting after his bed time and told me that by not bringing him to meetings I am not allowing him to understand "his role in the alcoholism" because "it is a family disease." My gut reaction was "Um no he is 20 months old he has no role. You're crossing the line." I just did not know if I am permitted to speak up or how to tell her I need to move on.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
he calls me multiple times a day to conduct inquiries into what I am doing and demands to know everything from my sex life to business transactions.
OMG she sounds crazy. Run!
She might also be affiliated with the Pacific Group which is basically a cult.
There are many good meetings in Seattle and many women with good sobriety who will not try to poke into your personal business and micromanage you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by LegallyBrunette 
Thank you guys I am very very new to sobriety and I love this woman. I credit her with getting me to take the steps to get off anti anxiety meds as well as alcohol and she really helped me to admit I have a real problem. However, she has no boundaries at least from my perspective. She calls me multiple times a day to conduct inquiries into what I am doing and demands to know everything from my sex life to business transactions. The last straw came when she just now chided me for not wanting to bring my so to a meeting after his bed time and told me that by not bringing him to meetings I am not allowing him to understand "his role in the alcoholism" because "it is a family disease." My gut reaction was "Um no he is 20 months old he has no role. You're crossing the line." I just did not know if I am permitted to speak up or how to tell her I need to move on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Just my opinion but I think that she is stepping WAY over the boundary lines. First of all, if your anti-anxiety meds were were doctor prescribed, and unless she has a medical degree, in my opinion she was remiss in stepping in on that decision.
Again, just my opinion but I think this sponsor has issues of her own, I personally would be looking for a new one.
As a mother I find it "funny" (for lack of a better word) that you let her slide on the numerous phone calls, sex, and financial intrusions but your claws went up when she tried to interfere with your child's well-being! Maybe your gut instinct is saying "you know what...no, this ain't working".
Again, just my opinion but I think this sponsor has issues of her own, I personally would be looking for a new one.
As a mother I find it "funny" (for lack of a better word) that you let her slide on the numerous phone calls, sex, and financial intrusions but your claws went up when she tried to interfere with your child's well-being! Maybe your gut instinct is saying "you know what...no, this ain't working".
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
oh also if you drop her, considering what you told us of her she might try to use some scare tactics telling you that you are setting yourself up for a relapse, that you are not willing, that you will drink again and die...blablabla
Just tell her thank you for your concern but I made up my mind. Don't be scared, keep going to meetings, listening and pray for the right sponsor to come in your life.
Do not pick up the first drink no matter what
Just tell her thank you for your concern but I made up my mind. Don't be scared, keep going to meetings, listening and pray for the right sponsor to come in your life.
Do not pick up the first drink no matter what
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by LegallyBrunette
Thank you guys I am very very new to sobriety and I love this woman. I credit her with getting me to take the steps to get off anti anxiety meds as well as alcohol and she really helped me to admit I have a real problem. However, she has no boundaries at least from my perspective. She calls me multiple times a day to conduct inquiries into what I am doing and demands to know everything from my sex life to business transactions. The last straw came when she just now chided me for not wanting to bring my so to a meeting after his bed time and told me that by not bringing him to meetings I am not allowing him to understand "his role in the alcoholism" because "it is a family disease." My gut reaction was "Um no he is 20 months old he has no role. You're crossing the line." I just did not know if I am permitted to speak up or how to tell her I need to move on.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
To me this person is crossing boundaries that shouldn't ever be crossed regardless of an AA sponsorship or not. I would not only end the relationship immediately, but report her actions to the meeting organizer. People like that have no business being in any kind of situation where they have any sort of control or mentorsship over another, regardless of AA or not
Last edited by ScottFromWI; 01-02-2014 at 08:22 PM. Reason: E
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Wow, LB, I'm sort of taken aback by this sponsor's ability to cross over from helping someone work the steps of the program to asking questions about your sex life and check book.
A sponsor is there to share their experiences in applying the 12 steps to their lives.
Another perplexing sign is the sponsor calling you multiple times a day as opposed to being available to you to call when you need some guidance or advice on the program.
Kuddos to you getting into a program of recovery quickly, and I know you want to tread carefully when dealing with someone "senior" in the program, but I just don't think this is in the realm of sponsor-sponsee territory.
Do read the pamphlet cited above and perhaps hit the sponsor with this question: What is the role of a sponsor in the program?
If you get answers about being able to question your sex life and determining that a 20-month-old toddler needs to be drug to meetings after bedtime, I would rethink this relationship.
Sorry you are running into this so early in recovery,
A sponsor is there to share their experiences in applying the 12 steps to their lives.
Another perplexing sign is the sponsor calling you multiple times a day as opposed to being available to you to call when you need some guidance or advice on the program.
Kuddos to you getting into a program of recovery quickly, and I know you want to tread carefully when dealing with someone "senior" in the program, but I just don't think this is in the realm of sponsor-sponsee territory.
Do read the pamphlet cited above and perhaps hit the sponsor with this question: What is the role of a sponsor in the program?
If you get answers about being able to question your sex life and determining that a 20-month-old toddler needs to be drug to meetings after bedtime, I would rethink this relationship.
Sorry you are running into this so early in recovery,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Coon Rapids, MN
Posts: 209
Good Morning LB again,
Glad to hear your progressing, that's awesome.
I would have to agree with a couple replies, It may be time to look for someone else. One can have respect for a person bringing you into the rooms but maybe that's what God had planned for her only to do for you.
Who knows, but I would read the article on sponsorship and make your own decisions from that!!!
Have a super day,
say hi anytime you like!
Matt
Glad to hear your progressing, that's awesome.
I would have to agree with a couple replies, It may be time to look for someone else. One can have respect for a person bringing you into the rooms but maybe that's what God had planned for her only to do for you.
Who knows, but I would read the article on sponsorship and make your own decisions from that!!!
Have a super day,
say hi anytime you like!
Matt
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
My alarm bells started ringing as soon as I read your sponsor had involved herself in your medical treatment.That is way beyond what a sponsor should be doing.
Take a read of the sponsorship pamphlet Carlotta gave the link to.
Please don't feel you can't tell her how you feel.
You may like to get this thread moved to the 12 step support forum.
Take a read of the sponsorship pamphlet Carlotta gave the link to.
Please don't feel you can't tell her how you feel.
You may like to get this thread moved to the 12 step support forum.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
My sponsor led me in sobriety thru her
own actions and suggestions. Never did
she tell me what to do. She shared her
own ESH - experiences, strengths and
hopes of what her life was and is like
before, during and after alcohol.
I learned in recovery to stick to the program
at hand. To work out drinking problems with
my AA program. If there's a medical problem,
seek help from my physician. Spiritual guidance
with a pastor or church. Mental or emotional
situations with a theraphist.
I often sat in meetings listening to others
air out their dirty personal laundry which
in my own opinion was a turn off. When I
go to meetings, I want to hear How It Works.
How a recovery program works using the tools
and knowledge set down to us using the AA book
in Big Book Studies, 12X12 Step Studies and
Speaker Meetings.
I went to many lengths to remain sober which
was taking my little one with me to a few of
those meetings. She was well behaved and
kept entertained with her coloring books or
toys for that 1 hour I was there to get my
AA medicine for the day.
In one meeting, I recall while trying to listen
intentively to the message of a fellow member,
I was being disturbed by a little one im guessing
wanting her moms attention. From what I could
tell, the mom really wanted to listen but with
her child needing her, she seems somewhat
distressed.
Sooooooo, I quietly walked to her and asked
if it was okay to take her little one outside for
fresh air. The meeting room has floor length
windows all around the room to see outside
onto the courtyard or the side street. So to
put her mind at ease, she could see us the
entire time while she could relax for a few
moments to listen to what she needed to hear
at that meeting.
Anyway.....for me, I wouldn't bring my child
to a meeting if I new she would disturb others.
I didn't need to take my kids to meetings
to learn about my recovery. I spoke to them
about what I needed to do to remain sober
and how important it was.
If my little family needed other information
on recovery, there was al-anon for my spouse
or al-ateen for my kids it was always available
to them.
My sponsor was and is a guiding light in
recovery for me and she will always be
an important part my own recovery. When
she is not available, I have the fellowship
as a whole as temporary sponsors to
guide me with them sharing their own
ESH with me.
own actions and suggestions. Never did
she tell me what to do. She shared her
own ESH - experiences, strengths and
hopes of what her life was and is like
before, during and after alcohol.
I learned in recovery to stick to the program
at hand. To work out drinking problems with
my AA program. If there's a medical problem,
seek help from my physician. Spiritual guidance
with a pastor or church. Mental or emotional
situations with a theraphist.
I often sat in meetings listening to others
air out their dirty personal laundry which
in my own opinion was a turn off. When I
go to meetings, I want to hear How It Works.
How a recovery program works using the tools
and knowledge set down to us using the AA book
in Big Book Studies, 12X12 Step Studies and
Speaker Meetings.
I went to many lengths to remain sober which
was taking my little one with me to a few of
those meetings. She was well behaved and
kept entertained with her coloring books or
toys for that 1 hour I was there to get my
AA medicine for the day.
In one meeting, I recall while trying to listen
intentively to the message of a fellow member,
I was being disturbed by a little one im guessing
wanting her moms attention. From what I could
tell, the mom really wanted to listen but with
her child needing her, she seems somewhat
distressed.
Sooooooo, I quietly walked to her and asked
if it was okay to take her little one outside for
fresh air. The meeting room has floor length
windows all around the room to see outside
onto the courtyard or the side street. So to
put her mind at ease, she could see us the
entire time while she could relax for a few
moments to listen to what she needed to hear
at that meeting.
Anyway.....for me, I wouldn't bring my child
to a meeting if I new she would disturb others.
I didn't need to take my kids to meetings
to learn about my recovery. I spoke to them
about what I needed to do to remain sober
and how important it was.
If my little family needed other information
on recovery, there was al-anon for my spouse
or al-ateen for my kids it was always available
to them.
My sponsor was and is a guiding light in
recovery for me and she will always be
an important part my own recovery. When
she is not available, I have the fellowship
as a whole as temporary sponsors to
guide me with them sharing their own
ESH with me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 51
To give this woman some credit I believe her inquiries have possibly been geared toward making my life seem more "unmanageable" than it actually was. To me having medical problems which is what drove me to sobriety is unmanageable enough. I am appreciative of her efforts and I was willing to deal with her not understanding my inability to attend meetings while medically detoxing from benzos, I was willing to put up with her telling me that my mortgage payment was to high, that I should not be getting married in the spring and that I should be celibate until my nonalcoholic fiancé stopped going to his poker game where he drinks beer. But my hackles went up when she started to try and get involved with my son. Now to figure out how to tell her this is not working for me. It stresses me out so much it is the only thing that has made me want to drink since getting sober.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by LegallyBrunette
I was willing to put up with her telling me that my mortgage payment was to high, that I should not be getting married in the spring and that I should be celibate until my nonalcoholic fiancé stopped going to his poker game where he drinks beer..
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
What is interesting is that you do not mention you and her sitting down with the big book and the 12 and 12 or worsheets or whatever and doing step work together which is basically the main role of a sponsor.....hmmm
Keep it simple and and stick to your boundaries.
Just tell her simply: "Thank you for your time and getting me started. I know that this is not going to work out between us and I am looking for a new sponsor."
Stick to your boundaries and don't argue with her. Try not to use words like "I think" etc. or she might use them back at you like saying: "your best thinking got you where you are at".
(Proper answer would be then "yep right where I am at with a law degree, a gorgeous child and a nice fiance").
Use strong action words, state facts and be strong about your boundaries.
Your anxiety is just a feeling, there is nothing concrete in life going on just you breaking an unhealthy relationship. There are no reasons to drink (not even anxiety) just excuses. What's the worst which can happen? Her screaming at you? Then you just hang up. She is powerless over you even if she doesn't seem to think so (someone needs Al Anon there LOL).
Good luck and don't stop going to AA over that. If you have to, just go to different meetings. There are over 2,000 meetings a week in the greater Seattle area so you definitely can avoid running into her LOL
Keep it simple and and stick to your boundaries.
Just tell her simply: "Thank you for your time and getting me started. I know that this is not going to work out between us and I am looking for a new sponsor."
Stick to your boundaries and don't argue with her. Try not to use words like "I think" etc. or she might use them back at you like saying: "your best thinking got you where you are at".
(Proper answer would be then "yep right where I am at with a law degree, a gorgeous child and a nice fiance").
Use strong action words, state facts and be strong about your boundaries.
Your anxiety is just a feeling, there is nothing concrete in life going on just you breaking an unhealthy relationship. There are no reasons to drink (not even anxiety) just excuses. What's the worst which can happen? Her screaming at you? Then you just hang up. She is powerless over you even if she doesn't seem to think so (someone needs Al Anon there LOL).
Good luck and don't stop going to AA over that. If you have to, just go to different meetings. There are over 2,000 meetings a week in the greater Seattle area so you definitely can avoid running into her LOL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I had a second thought on the child situation at the meetings. One of the meetings I go to they have a playroom where the toddlers can play. There is a service position amongst the women to take turn watching the kids. As you might image, this meeting is VERY popular with moms. Added bonus - more women to work with on your sobriety.
My town is a LOT smaller than Seattle. I'll bet you could find a meeting like this if you look.
Good luck and let us know how it turns out.
My town is a LOT smaller than Seattle. I'll bet you could find a meeting like this if you look.
Good luck and let us know how it turns out.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
As a member of AA, a sponsor, and the mother of a 20 month old son, I agree with everything that's already been said. Run.
Please read the pamphlet "Questions and Answers on Sponsorships" that was posted above.
My answer to the question What does a sponsor do? is help you work the steps by sharing their experience, strength, and hope. Period.
Please read the pamphlet "Questions and Answers on Sponsorships" that was posted above.
My answer to the question What does a sponsor do? is help you work the steps by sharing their experience, strength, and hope. Period.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 51
I am happy to hear these positive sponsorship and AA stories. I know I need the fellowship but I have not been having good experiences at all. This woman came to me and just sort of forced herself on me as a sponsor under the auspices of trying to protect me from the numerous predatory men at groups. As it turns out I think she could be the predatory one. I have tried to have a telephone conversation about this but she insists we meet in person...Wish me luck.
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