I have just opened up my heart
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I have just opened up my heart
and told him im going to go to al anon meetings next week, I need help living with a heavy drinker its caused too much trouble in our marriage and I can see its affecting kids now, I don't really want to leave but if I have to I will, told him he will have to start making choices too about his drinking. he told me he too is unhappy with me as he doesn't feel loved by me. he told me that's who he is and he likes drinking - in which I said that's why you feel unloved by me prob because ive been a bitch of a wife all these years trying to get him to stop or cut back, and now im not going to control you im going to stop thinking/worring about our relationship and take care of myself at the meetings.. anyway it ended 'ok' saying there a lot to sink in.
2hrs later he comes up and tell me he is going to do some jobs but I will be having beers later because the sport game is on ( ie drinking for 5 hours) just so I know. I feel so sad about it all so sad so tired.
2hrs later he comes up and tell me he is going to do some jobs but I will be having beers later because the sport game is on ( ie drinking for 5 hours) just so I know. I feel so sad about it all so sad so tired.
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Hi johnno, it may not look like progress and it may feel bad, but it is a big step forward for you. Even if your conversation with your AH didn't bring you any joy, you sound like you both were communicating honestly and without aggression. I hope your meeting goes well.
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The conversation was ok. I just felt stabbed when he told me later he was going to drink. after everything I just told him and how he knows its going to slit us up he still has chosen to drink and watch sports - if he didn't have a problem he would be doing everything in his power to prove me wrong...but NO he tells me he is going to drink. makes me so angry. hes either. A: is def an alcoholic or B:. doesn't give a hoot if I leave or not.
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It's funny how much these As, all from different backgrounds & in different situations, sound alike! You tell him how the alcohol is affecting you so he tells you what you're doing wrong or what he's not getting out of the marriage. He's redirecting the focus away from him and his issues (alcohol) and back onto you. Now you're on the defensive and he's in control again. It seems to be a near universal tool of the As: deflect the blame off themselves and onto us.
I'm sorry you're tired and hurting, johnno. I think Al-Anon's a great idea! I don't know if it's because I'm still new to the program, but every time I go, I learn something new & helpful. I also checked several books on alcoholism & codependency out from the library. There are several threads with book recommendations if you have the time & desire to read. There are also several great threads here. Or, you can read other people's stories by clicking on their username, then on statistics.
I'm sorry you're tired and hurting, johnno. I think Al-Anon's a great idea! I don't know if it's because I'm still new to the program, but every time I go, I learn something new & helpful. I also checked several books on alcoholism & codependency out from the library. There are several threads with book recommendations if you have the time & desire to read. There are also several great threads here. Or, you can read other people's stories by clicking on their username, then on statistics.
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Originally Posted by johnno1 
The conversation was ok. I just felt stabbed when he told me later he was going to drink. after everything I just told him and how he knows its going to slit us up he still has chosen to drink and watch sports
Your position is that his drinking is endangering your marriage.
His position is that he doesn't intend to stop.
Where does this leave you? I guess you have to decide whether his behaviour bothers you enough to finish the relationship.
One thing is certain - you won't force him to stop; trying to work out whether he's an alcoholic or has a 'problem' is beside the point.
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Thanks for making it so clear for me I needed that! Thanks so much 
He did say he will try and cut back, pffft ive heard that many times and I told him this. So he just said fine then with raised eyebrows ( he was annoyed I didn't have faith in him to cut back)
this question you ask...
Where does this leave you? I guess you have to decide whether his behaviour bothers you enough to finish the relationship.
is the number one question, im hoping al anon will help me figure this out or maybe a counsellor because right now I cannot make this decision, it makes perfect sense inside me to just leave, easy. i lost love, but there are so many buts and i need help to decide, does this make sense? or am i just plain stupid
He did say he will try and cut back, pffft ive heard that many times and I told him this. So he just said fine then with raised eyebrows ( he was annoyed I didn't have faith in him to cut back)
this question you ask...
Where does this leave you? I guess you have to decide whether his behaviour bothers you enough to finish the relationship.
is the number one question, im hoping al anon will help me figure this out or maybe a counsellor because right now I cannot make this decision, it makes perfect sense inside me to just leave, easy. i lost love, but there are so many buts and i need help to decide, does this make sense? or am i just plain stupid
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you're not stupid. If you are not ready to make that decision yet, then don't make it. provided he is not physically abusive towards you or your children, it's ok to not be completely sure yet. There is a saying in alanon that I am only just coming to accept and work on for myself. We find ourselves where we are when we need to be there. I may not have the wording quite right, but to me it means that when we are really ready for change, we will make it.
You have made such a huge and courageous step already! you're starting to detach and accept you cannot change him, you're reaching out for help, you're focussing on you and your needs, you're honestly communicating with your husband what those needs are, you didn't argue with him when he was really quite provocative. That's amazing!
I don't think you need to force yourself to make decisions you don't feel ready to make yet.
You have made such a huge and courageous step already! you're starting to detach and accept you cannot change him, you're reaching out for help, you're focussing on you and your needs, you're honestly communicating with your husband what those needs are, you didn't argue with him when he was really quite provocative. That's amazing!
I don't think you need to force yourself to make decisions you don't feel ready to make yet.
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johnno, when I first came to Alanon in March of last year, I was told that since I was not in physical or financial danger from my A, since we have no kids to be affected by his drinking, and since this is a long-term relationship (married 17 years, together 19), it would be a good idea for me to take some time before making any decisions regarding what I wanted to do. A period of a year was suggested.
At SR, I heard the same thing--I was told that I'd have a much better chance at making a good decision if I waited until I was coming from a place of strength and calmness w/a clear head than if I decided in the heat of anger, fear and pain.
At the time, all I wanted was for the hurting to end and for that lying b*stard to be out of my life. I figured that those 2 things were one and the same. Time has shown me what the wiser heads at Alanon and SR knew all along--they are 2 completely different things, and may or may not have anything at all to do with each other. I have to say that I'm glad for that advice, and that I've managed to listen to it.
I'm now at 10 months, and things are indeed slowly becoming more clear. I've made progress toward being able to support myself on my income alone, should it come to that. I've learned a LOT about what is on "my side of the street" and what isn't, as far as what I can/should try to control. I've learned about detachment and about taking care of myself. I've learned a lot about just how deep his addiction goes and what he will and has already done to continue it, and truth be told, I'm losing hope that he will achieve any kind of long-term meaningful recovery.
While that last statement makes me incredibly sad, it's also an indicator that I am seeing and understanding so much more than I did before. While I'm losing hope for my A and for our marriage, I'm gaining hope that I'll know what to do and when it's time to do it.
I hope that helps you understand a little what may be gained by waiting, even when you believe you know what you want right away.
At SR, I heard the same thing--I was told that I'd have a much better chance at making a good decision if I waited until I was coming from a place of strength and calmness w/a clear head than if I decided in the heat of anger, fear and pain.
At the time, all I wanted was for the hurting to end and for that lying b*stard to be out of my life. I figured that those 2 things were one and the same. Time has shown me what the wiser heads at Alanon and SR knew all along--they are 2 completely different things, and may or may not have anything at all to do with each other. I have to say that I'm glad for that advice, and that I've managed to listen to it.
I'm now at 10 months, and things are indeed slowly becoming more clear. I've made progress toward being able to support myself on my income alone, should it come to that. I've learned a LOT about what is on "my side of the street" and what isn't, as far as what I can/should try to control. I've learned about detachment and about taking care of myself. I've learned a lot about just how deep his addiction goes and what he will and has already done to continue it, and truth be told, I'm losing hope that he will achieve any kind of long-term meaningful recovery.
While that last statement makes me incredibly sad, it's also an indicator that I am seeing and understanding so much more than I did before. While I'm losing hope for my A and for our marriage, I'm gaining hope that I'll know what to do and when it's time to do it.
I hope that helps you understand a little what may be gained by waiting, even when you believe you know what you want right away.
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Jphnno1----the thing that jumps out at me, from your post is this---"it is affecting the kids NOW". Children are the most vulnerable--and, the most powerless in this situation. They depend on you to protect them from living in the destructiveness an alcoholic home.
I think it must bother you, too--because you mentioned it.
When people talk of the recommended "waiting"---that applies when there ore no children suffering--and no abuse--and if you are so confused that you don't know the right thing to do.
dandylion
I think it must bother you, too--because you mentioned it.
When people talk of the recommended "waiting"---that applies when there ore no children suffering--and no abuse--and if you are so confused that you don't know the right thing to do.
dandylion
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It is effecting the kids by feeling tension between us sometimes. Its affecting them by thinking its completely normal to have many beer bottles in the recycling bin and very normal for dad to always have beers every arvo/evening.
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Originally Posted by johnno1
It is effecting the kids by feeling tension between us sometimes. Its affecting them by thinking its completely normal to have many beer bottles in the recycling bin and very normal for dad to always have beers every arvo/evening.
I feel so guilty to this day for the things my childreb went through while I still lived with separated AH. We cannot undo that time and those experiences. You have to protect the children.
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Thanks :-))
Yes he has said to me I have tried to change who he is in our marriage, hes not giving it up he likes it.
So yesterday more drinking in the arvo, so I went and stayed away for the night telling him I just wanted a night where I didn't have to see him down the beer.
I arrived home at 1pm today to find him depressed and drinking some more beers, he had about 6 then stopped and had swim with kids then asleep on couch.
I was so so angry, I had been so good at detaching I lost it I yelled at him, kids not around btw. He just stood there taking it not doing/saying anything, then he said he didn't want to fight, he seemed flabbergasted by me like almost where has this all come from, grrrr I said well yelled actions better than words, he told me don't get upset as I was crying I told him he had fu*ked me up and its all his fault I even told him to be a man and handle me yelling and crying because its the consequences and I told him to get out and don't come back till you want to talk to me seriously about our marriage.
So he went to his mums, all depressed and feeling extremely sorry for himself, and I guess im the big meanie wife. god I cant believe this drama is happening to me/us!, god knows what his mum will think! no one knows esp her about our problems.
its like a roller coaster isn't it, In one day I have felt, Excited, happy, depressed, Angry, hateful, guilty, haha and that's just day heck tell me this sh*t get easier xx
Yes he has said to me I have tried to change who he is in our marriage, hes not giving it up he likes it.
So yesterday more drinking in the arvo, so I went and stayed away for the night telling him I just wanted a night where I didn't have to see him down the beer.
I arrived home at 1pm today to find him depressed and drinking some more beers, he had about 6 then stopped and had swim with kids then asleep on couch.
I was so so angry, I had been so good at detaching I lost it I yelled at him, kids not around btw. He just stood there taking it not doing/saying anything, then he said he didn't want to fight, he seemed flabbergasted by me like almost where has this all come from, grrrr I said well yelled actions better than words, he told me don't get upset as I was crying I told him he had fu*ked me up and its all his fault I even told him to be a man and handle me yelling and crying because its the consequences and I told him to get out and don't come back till you want to talk to me seriously about our marriage.
So he went to his mums, all depressed and feeling extremely sorry for himself, and I guess im the big meanie wife. god I cant believe this drama is happening to me/us!, god knows what his mum will think! no one knows esp her about our problems.
its like a roller coaster isn't it, In one day I have felt, Excited, happy, depressed, Angry, hateful, guilty, haha and that's just day heck tell me this sh*t get easier xx
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Originally Posted by johnno1
its like a roller coaster isn't it,
Just step off next time it comes by loading station.
And then stay off.
More fun to watch the nonsense from the ground.
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Dear johnno----remember that he is not "alone" at his mums. He is probably living in a cozy and nurturing (enabling) environment.
You are the one who is alone with children to care for. He has his drinking to numb any discomfort that he is feeling----you don't have any anesthesia. He has his denial--so he doesn't have to face the harm that he has done. You aren't afforded to deny the pain.
If his concern is for him---and your concern is for him----who is to care for you?????
Remember this when you feel "weak".
dandylion
You are the one who is alone with children to care for. He has his drinking to numb any discomfort that he is feeling----you don't have any anesthesia. He has his denial--so he doesn't have to face the harm that he has done. You aren't afforded to deny the pain.
If his concern is for him---and your concern is for him----who is to care for you?????
Remember this when you feel "weak".
dandylion
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since my last post I went to counsellor and she told me he sounds like an alcoholic and ive been verbally abused and its not on, she seemed to be with me on no drink or leave she even talked all about separation with me.,
when he came home he had cleared all the fridge of beer, cleared the bar, told me he was going to give up as he doesn't want to loose me and kids, he went to the same counsellor the following day (today), and he admits he has a drinking problem.
he told me - the counsellor told him he was perhaps on the low side and he hopes he can still have drinks at occasions special events, the counsellor told him she wont know till time how or if this will work for him.
the whole time he was there today I was so scared that the counsellor and him are going to think im full of it and he is not as bad as I think and im over reacting and its all my fault - hearing the above I think it is my fault now, im ruining his life by threatening to leave if he drinks anything.
im doubting and questioning, maybe im too harsh, maybe im wrong, I feel so **** now. 2 family members texted him today wishing him luck and saying they are there for any support, he didn't like the fact I had told them/talking about it with them, is this my business to talk to my family I guess its his private stuff? he did say its his own fault he supposes.
gosh I should be happy he has accepted he has a prob and has stopped drinking. but im not im just so confused and so worried ive done everything wrong.
when he came home he had cleared all the fridge of beer, cleared the bar, told me he was going to give up as he doesn't want to loose me and kids, he went to the same counsellor the following day (today), and he admits he has a drinking problem.
he told me - the counsellor told him he was perhaps on the low side and he hopes he can still have drinks at occasions special events, the counsellor told him she wont know till time how or if this will work for him.
the whole time he was there today I was so scared that the counsellor and him are going to think im full of it and he is not as bad as I think and im over reacting and its all my fault - hearing the above I think it is my fault now, im ruining his life by threatening to leave if he drinks anything.
im doubting and questioning, maybe im too harsh, maybe im wrong, I feel so **** now. 2 family members texted him today wishing him luck and saying they are there for any support, he didn't like the fact I had told them/talking about it with them, is this my business to talk to my family I guess its his private stuff? he did say its his own fault he supposes.
gosh I should be happy he has accepted he has a prob and has stopped drinking. but im not im just so confused and so worried ive done everything wrong.
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I am going back to your first post on this thread. You went to an Al Anon meeting, you told him that the drinking is a problem in your marriage, and he told you that he is going to drink.
Rewind two summers ago and that is where I was. Woke up crying after going to my first Al Anon meeting the night before. Ah made me coffee, came upstairs, and placed my mug on top of the Al Anon brochures. He smiled, as though my tears pleased him, and left.
A few days later, he was driving drunk on a binge with our son in the car.
You aren't wrong, and you aren't alone.
His drinking, and the destruction it caused in our relationship, was harder on the children than I wanted to realize.
The hardest part in getting out of a 17 year marriage may be in learning to believe in myself.
If you believed yourself right now, what would you do?
Rewind two summers ago and that is where I was. Woke up crying after going to my first Al Anon meeting the night before. Ah made me coffee, came upstairs, and placed my mug on top of the Al Anon brochures. He smiled, as though my tears pleased him, and left.
A few days later, he was driving drunk on a binge with our son in the car.
You aren't wrong, and you aren't alone.
His drinking, and the destruction it caused in our relationship, was harder on the children than I wanted to realize.
The hardest part in getting out of a 17 year marriage may be in learning to believe in myself.
If you believed yourself right now, what would you do?
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Hi johnno, try not to second guess yourself, or what others are thinking. You don't have to put a label on your husband to know his drinking is causing big trouble in your marriage. As for what the counsellor told him, well you don't know whether your husband told her the truth about the amount he drinks (alcoholics find it hard to be 100% truthful, even when they want to). You also only have his word on her saying he can drink occasionally. That doesn't sound right to me, especially after what you told her.
If he is hedging his bets by saying he can drink now and then, don't get your hopes up for a permanent change.
If he is hedging his bets by saying he can drink now and then, don't get your hopes up for a permanent change.
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Originally Posted by johnno1
since my last post I went to counsellor and she told me he sounds like an alcoholic and ive been verbally abused and its not on, she seemed to be with me on no drink or leave she even talked all about separation with me.,
Originally Posted by johnno1
he told me - the counsellor told him he was perhaps on the low side and he hopes he can still have drinks at occasions special events, the counsellor told him she wont know till time how or if this will work for him.
Or else he is bullshitting you, I think he is bullshitting you. Drunks usually only hear what they want to hear, they block out the rest like
Originally Posted by johnno1
the whole time he was there today I was so scared that the counsellor and him are going to think im full of it and he is not as bad as I think and im over reacting and its all my fault - hearing the above I think it is my fault now, im ruining his life by threatening to leave if he drinks anything.
Furthermore, the counsellor doesn't get to decide how you live, only YOU DO!
Counsellors don't get to make decisions about our lives, WE DO.
What are the counsellors qualifications? Some of them can be real doozies from dime a dozen "institutions" or even total quackery Internet courses. On the Internet, ANYONE can get to be a "counsellor", just saying...
What is acceptable behaviour for you and your children? Is his behaviour acceptable? Does it damage you and the children?
Decide what is best for you and the kids. I did. It was very difficult, but we are so much more peaceful and slightly more sane now.
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Thanks everyone
She has dips and bachelors from the university - but yea your right I will try not to take for gold what she says, I just feel like I cant think for myself and its good to get opinions.
He said it would be good for him to never drink in the house again and only at social stuff outside of home - I don't maybe he can do this and it causes no problems, but to me I just cant be bothered, but is that worth a marriage breakup? anyway I guess time will tell and I will make up my decisions on the way I suppose this is only the very very early start of things, least he has admitted he has a problem. I guess ill just stick with that for now. cheers all.
She has dips and bachelors from the university - but yea your right I will try not to take for gold what she says, I just feel like I cant think for myself and its good to get opinions.
He said it would be good for him to never drink in the house again and only at social stuff outside of home - I don't maybe he can do this and it causes no problems, but to me I just cant be bothered, but is that worth a marriage breakup? anyway I guess time will tell and I will make up my decisions on the way I suppose this is only the very very early start of things, least he has admitted he has a problem. I guess ill just stick with that for now. cheers all.
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