Alcoholic adult son--please give advice!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 1
Alcoholic adult son--please give advice!
Our son is 24 yr old, in military, and an alcoholic. He has been since high school (we did not realize it until about 4 yrs ago). Of course he has all of the usual behavior,(lying, manipulation, self centered, lack of empathy, etc). HOWEVER, because he has always had a job and paid for everything on his own, never asks us for money, never been in trouble with the law, works every day, etc. he says he does not have an alcohol problem! But, he knows and we know he does, I'm not going to argue that point with him.
The problem is, when he comes home for leave he stays with us. He as a daughter that lives in our town, so he visits with her at our house. (I think this is because it is expected of him, not that he actually misses her and wants to spend time with her; he is way too into himself to actually care about any one else).
Anyway, it never fails when he is home our lives are miserable. He is a source of constant drama. "Sneaking" to drink his vodka, saying we are crazy when we accuse him of it, driving our vehicles and drinking (we now do not allow him to drive our vehicles), dissapearing for days (binge drinking) when he is supposed to be caring for his 3 yr old child (we, of course, take care of her during this). And lying about EVERYTHING!!
My problem is, everything I find is about codependant behaviour. We do nothing to enable him, and never have. We don't "bail him out of trouble" because as far as we know, he is never in trouble. We don't give him money. I am just sick to death of his self centered egotistical ways and his destructive behavior. When he is at his base, he never calls to check on or talk to his child, does nothing to facilitate a relationship with her and that is hurtful to his dad and me. So, do we tell him he can no longer stay at our house on leave? Where does that leave his daughters relationship (or lack of) with him?
Ironically, he chugs vodka and eats loads of fast food while intoxicated, but works out 7 days a week, is always harping at us about eating healthy, and has the body of a body builder??? What an oxymoron??!! I'm angry and my heart is breaking. And I can't wait for his leave to be over.....
The problem is, when he comes home for leave he stays with us. He as a daughter that lives in our town, so he visits with her at our house. (I think this is because it is expected of him, not that he actually misses her and wants to spend time with her; he is way too into himself to actually care about any one else).
Anyway, it never fails when he is home our lives are miserable. He is a source of constant drama. "Sneaking" to drink his vodka, saying we are crazy when we accuse him of it, driving our vehicles and drinking (we now do not allow him to drive our vehicles), dissapearing for days (binge drinking) when he is supposed to be caring for his 3 yr old child (we, of course, take care of her during this). And lying about EVERYTHING!!
My problem is, everything I find is about codependant behaviour. We do nothing to enable him, and never have. We don't "bail him out of trouble" because as far as we know, he is never in trouble. We don't give him money. I am just sick to death of his self centered egotistical ways and his destructive behavior. When he is at his base, he never calls to check on or talk to his child, does nothing to facilitate a relationship with her and that is hurtful to his dad and me. So, do we tell him he can no longer stay at our house on leave? Where does that leave his daughters relationship (or lack of) with him?
Ironically, he chugs vodka and eats loads of fast food while intoxicated, but works out 7 days a week, is always harping at us about eating healthy, and has the body of a body builder??? What an oxymoron??!! I'm angry and my heart is breaking. And I can't wait for his leave to be over.....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry you are going through this. I would tell him it is too much for you to handle when he stays there and unfortunately he will need to stay elsewhere when he comes for a visit. You do not have to allow that in your home.
Hugs.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
We don't "bail him out of trouble" because as far as we know, he is never in trouble. We don't give him money.
(((((((hugs))))))) renee93!
First of all it sounds like you are actually doing a great job in limiting enabling. However (even if not giving him money) the place to stay and the babysitting when he is "out" and on a binge is a form of enabling....
Telling him he can't stay at your house is just another way of letting the consequences of his drinking fall squarely in his lap.....
Sad.
Ironically, he chugs vodka and eats loads of fast food while intoxicated, but works out 7 days a week, is always harping at us about eating healthy, and has the body of a body builder??? What an oxymoron??!!
Yeah this kind of alcoholic hypocrisy used to drive me crazy from my middle brother - the A who would tell everybody the RIGHT way to do things and live their lives. INSANITY!!
Wishing you peace in the new year--
B.
(((((((hugs))))))) renee93!
First of all it sounds like you are actually doing a great job in limiting enabling. However (even if not giving him money) the place to stay and the babysitting when he is "out" and on a binge is a form of enabling....
Telling him he can't stay at your house is just another way of letting the consequences of his drinking fall squarely in his lap.....
Sad.
Ironically, he chugs vodka and eats loads of fast food while intoxicated, but works out 7 days a week, is always harping at us about eating healthy, and has the body of a body builder??? What an oxymoron??!!
Yeah this kind of alcoholic hypocrisy used to drive me crazy from my middle brother - the A who would tell everybody the RIGHT way to do things and live their lives. INSANITY!!
Wishing you peace in the new year--
B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
By allowing him to stay in your home while displaying those behaviors, by taking care of his responsiblities while he disappears...you ARE enabling him. It's YOUR home, if he makes you miserable in your own home, then you need to set boundaries. I agree with Hopeful....let him know for future visits he will need to make arrangements to stay with someone else. But be prepared for him to test your boundary, hang tough and don't let him back in the door.
You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. You can't make him be a good father. It's up the the child's mother to deal with his parenting issues, not you. All you can do is try to see the child and be the best grandparents you can be. That is where you have control, not over your son.
I hope you find an Alanon group near you and start attending. I think you will find a lot of support there, and you will start to see how your decisions and behaviors contribute to the chaos of this disease. Learn to step out of your son's path, and let him make his own choices....good or bad. If he doesn't feel the consequence nothing will ever change.
You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. You can't make him be a good father. It's up the the child's mother to deal with his parenting issues, not you. All you can do is try to see the child and be the best grandparents you can be. That is where you have control, not over your son.
I hope you find an Alanon group near you and start attending. I think you will find a lot of support there, and you will start to see how your decisions and behaviors contribute to the chaos of this disease. Learn to step out of your son's path, and let him make his own choices....good or bad. If he doesn't feel the consequence nothing will ever change.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Seconding the recommendation for Alanon. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ I think you'll find a lot of support there, and it's good to have real-world support in addition to the help you find here at SR.
Regarding your son and his awful eating habits when drinking: I've always done the bulk of the planning, shopping and cooking of meals here and tried to have us eat basic, healthy, made-from-scratch food rather than frozen pizza and fast food. When my A was allegedly first getting sober, he bought loads of cookies, ice cream and other stuff we used to have only occasionally and ate lots of this stuff every single night, saying "well, I have enough to deal with w/quitting drinking, I'm not going to worry about THIS stuff!" I had in fact heard and read that many A's have a strong sugar craving when quitting drinking, so I went along with it. We were also spending $$ on various supplements for hip pain and leg cramps and some other ailments he had, and again, I was OK with it since "after all, he's getting sober."
Yeah. Turned out he was drinking all along. Now, he's not a body builder type like your son; he's an almost 60-year-old balding guy w/a belly, but here we were, spending $$ on things that he "deserved" b/c he was "getting sober" when what that meant was that he was going to AA meetings, continuing to drink and lying to his sponsor and me about it. So your son's behavior is kind of familiar to me...
Anyway, glad you found your way to SR and hoping you get to that first Alanon meeting soon!
Regarding your son and his awful eating habits when drinking: I've always done the bulk of the planning, shopping and cooking of meals here and tried to have us eat basic, healthy, made-from-scratch food rather than frozen pizza and fast food. When my A was allegedly first getting sober, he bought loads of cookies, ice cream and other stuff we used to have only occasionally and ate lots of this stuff every single night, saying "well, I have enough to deal with w/quitting drinking, I'm not going to worry about THIS stuff!" I had in fact heard and read that many A's have a strong sugar craving when quitting drinking, so I went along with it. We were also spending $$ on various supplements for hip pain and leg cramps and some other ailments he had, and again, I was OK with it since "after all, he's getting sober."
Yeah. Turned out he was drinking all along. Now, he's not a body builder type like your son; he's an almost 60-year-old balding guy w/a belly, but here we were, spending $$ on things that he "deserved" b/c he was "getting sober" when what that meant was that he was going to AA meetings, continuing to drink and lying to his sponsor and me about it. So your son's behavior is kind of familiar to me...
Anyway, glad you found your way to SR and hoping you get to that first Alanon meeting soon!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Renee, I agree with the other posters that you should not allow him to stay at your house, especially as it is not with the object of improving his relationship with you or his daughter. Ask yourself if he would behave this way if staying with friends.
You can cultivate your own relationship with your granddaughter and her mother, without enabling his harmful behaviour.
BTW you and your husband sound like very level headed sensible people dealing with a difficult situation.
You can cultivate your own relationship with your granddaughter and her mother, without enabling his harmful behaviour.
BTW you and your husband sound like very level headed sensible people dealing with a difficult situation.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. It's not much fun is it? 
I have a son who is 23 & has been in rehab twice. He's not an alcoholic, nor a pot addict, but he does misuse both & is at risk of becoming addicted if he's not very careful. He also has some Aspergers symptoms, & also many symptoms of narcissism. The narcissism might be something you may want to google & see if it fits some of what is going on with your son.
Whatever it is, you will find reading on this forum to be of enormous benefit to you. It's an amazing forum full of real life experience & support & has helped many people change their lives for the better.
I have a son who is 23 & has been in rehab twice. He's not an alcoholic, nor a pot addict, but he does misuse both & is at risk of becoming addicted if he's not very careful. He also has some Aspergers symptoms, & also many symptoms of narcissism. The narcissism might be something you may want to google & see if it fits some of what is going on with your son.
Whatever it is, you will find reading on this forum to be of enormous benefit to you. It's an amazing forum full of real life experience & support & has helped many people change their lives for the better.
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