Nikkabean326

New Years Eve was a horrible night that I want to forget.. well, at least forget what parts I actually remember.

My BF and I had a very serious conversation earlier today. He looked at me and asked if I was okay. I started to silently cry and talk to him about having a drinking problem. I told him I know what needs to happen. I told him it's going to change our lifestyle a bit this is something that needs to happen. I can't simply say that I'll cut down on drinking. He mentioned there's a period when I'm drinking that I'm okay and then there is that one drink that puts me over the edge. He said if we could figure out how to stop me from going over that line, then I could keep this hobby of ours. I looked at him and told him we both know that's not possible. This hobby is destroying me. I can't lie to myself anymore. My name is Nikki and I have a drinking problem.

After crying and holding each other we wiped our tears and my focus was set on my future, alcohol free. I've lived with the freedom of alcohol for a long time. It's going to be extremely difficult to change my lifestyle. In the middle of our conversation I had gotten a call from a dear friend that I ignored. I texted her to tell her I'd call her later. After our conversation my BF noticed that she texted him and told him it was extremely important that I call her. I called and I just knew something was wrong. A mutual friend of ours was in a car accident this morning and he died on impact. I was never particularly close with him and his wife but.. they were always the kindest people and the love that they shared was just.. insurmountable. I danced at their wedding. I went to house parties and laughed with them.

Life is so cruel and it is so precious and I am eating my words from the other night. I told my BF that I wanted to die. No I don't. I don't want to die. I want to live and laugh and use my time up cherishing those memories. I don't want to feel regret or guilt. It could have been me. It can be me at any moment. It can be you. We all need to take this life and hold it as tightly to our hearts as possible.

I will never ever touch another ounce of alcohol again. It is unacceptable that I have been given this life and I am abusing this substance that makes me forget. They are my memories and I won't give them up anymore. They mean too much.

Cherish yourselves...

Inca

Thanks for your very heartfelt and honest post. It's tough but also freeing when we come to terms with what we need to give up. It can be a loss at first but soon it's worth it. Glad you are willing and determined to give sobriety a whirl.

KateL

Beautiful post xxxx

Nonsensical

Powerful read. Seems like someone is ready to change their life.

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry for your loss.
Congratulations for deciding to stop drinking. when I quit I was scared of a life without alcohol. Now at just over a year sober I see alcohol gave me no freedom -it kept me in a prison. Now I have a life, a freedom that not drinking brings.

The drink that causes the problem is the first one picked up. If you don't pick it up you'll never have drink related problems again. I now have a peace of mind ,serenity and my anxiety, depression and nervous tension has almost vanished. YOu too can have this.