evangeline068

Hello,
This is my first time on this site. I am a mother of 3 small children (8 boy, 6 boy, 4 girl). I work full time. I do not drink or take prescriptions.
I do however, believe I am married to an alcoholic and abuser of prescribed (and recently non prescribed) medications. My husband in unemployed and does not do the homemaker - full time Daddy thing. Instead, our children are in day care after school until I pick them up after work.

I think he may have always had a problem with drinking and I just was blind to it since he didn't really drink around me and the kids (other than beer). However, now that all the kids are in day care and I had my own homework to do (went back to school online), I have have to extend my awake hours. Since I would wake up in the wee hours of the morning, I have seen this "other" life of my husband all too often.

He's not a raging drunk, or even a laugh out loud life of the party drinker, he's a "quietly drink too much then eventually pass out" kind of drinker.
He usually does his drinking (that I can tell) late at night. He also takes a variety of medications for depression and anxiety (and recent got some valium non presribed from India). Most days (weekdays and weekends) he will sleep til from anywhere til 12 noon to as late as 4 p.m. (it really depends on if he knows he has to be somewhere that day).
He has been able to stop drinking a few times but only for about 2 weeks, then something usually happens (birthday, holiday or a real bad day) and he starts up again. I don't think he ever does without his pills tho. I usually find them in his pockets when I am doing laundry so he seems to rely heavily on those.

He does not believe he is a alcoholic, nor that he cant control his medications. We have had arguments (not blow out fights) but pretty lengthy discussions. His Father is an alcoholic, his brother is an alcoholic, his mother (deceased) was also an alcoholic.

The reason I am here today, is that we are now getting divorced. He is asking for 50% custody of the children. Under normal circumstances, I would be thrilled to know he wants the kids that much, since he has always shown little interest in doing things with or doing the work involved in caring for them. However, with his drinking and pill use, not currently under control, his having the kids terrifies me. I don't think he'll hurt them, but I don't believe he'll be able to manage and stay sober.
I was frankly shocked that he asked for the kids, since we had discussed that they would be with me and he just wanted to be guaranteed he could see them frequently (he didn't think it would be good to pull them away from me at this time). Now with his asking for 50% I am so worried about what to do.

I have recently found whiskey hidden in the garage, bottles of clear alcohol replaced with water (his hiding that he drank it all) and now pills he said he threw out in the laundry/washer dryer.

He is moving out in two weeks and I believe legally I will have to let him take the kids half the time. This is killing me. Has anyone had to deal with something like this? How do you help someone help themselves? How do I protect my kids?

* Please know, I "do" want him to clean up and eventually have the kids half the time. I think someday he will make a great Dad and the kids would be thrilled to have a really present and involved father. But its who he is today that worries me.

Looking for guidance.

Evangeline

AnvilheadII

as an unemployed addict/alcoholic, he can't possibly afford to take care of the children for a day much less 50% of the time. he can ASK for 50% custody...but that doesn't mean he GETS it. what does your attorney recommend?

evangeline068

Well, we live in California. California is one of those "no one is really responsible for themselves states".
He will get $4400. dollars a month from me when we divorce. $1350 will be alimony and $2850. will be child support at 50%. So technically he can live quite nicely and his health care will be paid for. I doubt he'll get a job and clean up if he doesn't have to. (I will be living on beans likely)

I know a lot of this is my fault, I should have kicked him out a long time ago after one of his black outs and before I actually filed for divorce. But now I have to decide if I endure a very ugly trial to prove he is unfit and not ready to take the kids or just roll over and let him have them 50%.
I just am not sure how you "prove" this stuff. How do you prove what goes on in a home? Do I beg my family and friends to provide statements? This will get ugly. I know as a good mother, I am going to have to bear this burden and fight this fight.

I guess I was foolish to believe him when we first talked of divorce and he said he knew the kids belonged with me. (He must have not realized at the time that his alimony if I had the kids would be too small to live comfortably on).

I am so worried about this all.

hopeful4

I can only tell you what my attorney told me. Document, document, document. Take photos of the alcohol. Print any written correspondences you have. Take a journal and document all activity with times and dates. I would definitely be honest and up front to your attorney about your concerns as they are very valid ones.

Good Luck and God Bless.

goplayoutside

He wants the kids 50% so he gets child support. I recently went through this with my ex. He's not a drunk, but is abusive.

As hopeful4 said, document everything. Document all the pills, the valium, the bottles, the fact that he doesn't take care of the kids now. Document when he gets up for the day and what he does around the house.

Listen to your lawyer. Good luck!

hopeful4

While he can live nicely w/the child support, without...not so much. Be prepared for a fight. Yes, involve family and friends if it means you have to for your children to be safe. I am not familiar with your situation. If you have the assets to do so, could you pay him off to just settle and leave it alone? Would he be willing to do that? It would be worth it in the long run I would say.

Good Luck, document and get your attorney ready!

JustAGirl1971

Definitely sounds like he's only requesting them 50% of the time for the money. I have no advice, just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry I like hopeful's advice: Document everything you can.

evangeline068

Thank you for your support and recommendations. I know I will have to pull up my boot straps and get ready for a long battle. I sometimes wish I could just pull out all my savings and pay him to go away. (I really wish he could just clean up and be the man I thought he was - maybe fooled and he never was? when we met) :o(

As for my kids. My oldest understand some stuff. He started being dissapointed with Daddy (he would ask "why"... why does he sleep so much or drink so much and he would say "I'm never going t drink" etc). Now he seems to be making excuses for his Dad (he says Daddy doesn't drink "and" drive meaning sure he drinks and gets in the car but not while he's driving and he says "its OK that he sleep all day... he stays up all night... so he needs his sleep"...etc).

Does this mean I need to start getting counseling for my kids too now? I am terrified that this disease will get passed on.

Sometimes I feeling like I am on terrible roller coaster ride and I don't know how to get off. :o(

Evangeline

hopeful4

Yes, our children can turn into little codependents. I think any child going through a separation of parents needs to be in counseling...just my two cents. You may want to look into Celebrate Recovery especially if you are in California. Are you anywhere near Saddleback Church? Their program for children, teens and adults is amazing.

Good Luck, my heart hurts for you.

JustAGirl1971

I second counseling. I'm in counseling, as are both of my teens.

KissMyTiara

You mention he has recently received non prescribed Valium from India. This is ILLEGAL. Document this activity. It indicates a doctor in the US doesn't think he needs it or he would have a valid US prescription. He is taking it upon himself to buy drugs.

This may help your case your children shouldn't be around illegal drug activity. What's next? He's buying it off the streets? Not saying this is the case. Just watch what he's doing. I'm sure you already are.

unsureoffuture

I am in a similar situation except my husband is still employed (barely) and we havent divorced yet. The rest is about the same. Closet drinker hiding bottles on antidepressants and antianxiety etc. Kids similar ages asking similar questions. Quietly drinking till passing out later in the evening- all the same.

You ask if he is an A or has a problem? I too wanted to know for sure in the beginning. I wanted someone to tell me I wasnt crazy or overexaggerating. Then I learned no one can give me that definite answer but chances are if you are here on this site seeking advice then there likely is a problem. His behaviors are what is most important and how they affect you and your family not how much he is drinking or what he is taking. If sleeping all day, not interacting with you or the kids is a problem then it is a problem regradless if it is the booze or pills or something else causing it. He may want 50 % custody financially but will he exercise that when he is responsible for the kids and doing all the things you aren't there to do anymore. You may find he will back off when he sees it interfering with his addictions.

You may benefit from joining Al-anon and also the book Codependants no more by Melanie Beattie. It has helped me process and understand everything and it has given me tools on how to cope and intercat with someone with addictions. Unfortunately since you do have children, he will be in your life for a long time to come. I would defintely get the kids into counseling. Divorce itself is traumatic for kids. I am doing that with my own kids even before we separate because I am starting to see some acting out behaviors. You are not alone! Hugs, I know what you are going through.

Bernadette

I know I will have to pull up my boot straps and get ready for a long battle.

Yes this is true - but I also think we codies are so afraid of the ugliness and battles that it can be paralyzing. YOU can decide that you will handle this as calmly and professionally (legally) as possible and not get caught up in any insanity HE tries to stir up.

I really admire you for making plans to separate from him! I wish my mom had protected us from the insanity of our A father and had the nerve to bust through the denial, call it what it was, and just matter-of-factly deal with it without all the DRAMA that warped her - and us. It wouldn't have meant we had to stop loving my father! She could have demonstrated healthy detachment!! But only if she had learned how by getting and accepting help.

I have 3 A bros and often wonder if mom had the courage to get REAL with what was going on in our family could they have avoided addiction? Would honest awareness have served them better? I'll never know. I've forgiven her, I can only assume she didn't have the strength to do the work (she went to AlAnon for a couple years but never changed her behavior!).

But I know change is possible! I had to get therapy and into AlAnon to deal with my ACOA issues and to deal with my brothers' active alcoholism. I had to CHANGE! Was it painful? Difficult? Tedious at times? YES! But it is so worth it.

Also remember all that financial stuff matters - but not as much as your sanity and your children's mental health.

Wishing you peace and courage in the new year!! (((hugs)))
B


.

Bernadette

How can you tell for sure if your spouse is an Alcoholic and has a prescription prob?

Also meant to add in response to your thread title/question:
When you start asking people this question on a friends and family of alcoholics forum you pretty much know the answer!!!

Peace-
B

Stung

ShootingStar1 has already gone through the divorce process in CA so she probably has some great advice for you.

I'm in CA too and took audio recordings of my husband's belligerent drunken behavior so I have that to "prove" that he's unfit should we divorce. In the case that we do divorce I would request that he take a breathalyzer periodically while he had our kids and before driving them anywhere.

I also think counseling would be beneficial. I've contemplated counseling for my oldest but she's only 2, if she were slightly older I would definitely put her into counseling.

Recovering2

The Valium is illegal, and would show up in a urine drug screen. Can you take a picture of the label on the bottle, or make a copy of it? Document, document, document.

shil2587

I've been thinking of you and wondering how you're getting on. I hope you're finding something to do for down time for your children and for yourself. You're in my thoughts this evening.

hopeful4

I went to court today with my AH (basically a mix up and no big deal). While waiting to be called I listened to the other cases. For one, this was a great thing for my AH, I think it scared the pants off him.

One of the cases was a guy who got caught with ONE prescription Adderrell(sp)? that did not belong to him. The judge sentenced him to 4 years supervised probation and 120 days shock in jail, over ONE pill. It was classed as a felony. The guy cried and cried, it made no difference.

I am only saying this so you do realize how serious the courts take purchasing Rx drugs w/out the Rx. Bad news. Document...document.

evangeline068

Hello friends,
Thank you all for the advice and the experience. I must say, I never realized just how many people are out there are in the same or similar situations.

I spoke with my attorney and she also said "document, document, document". I told her that I thought he was on the wagon again since I haven't really seen him drinking in a couple days (tho he drank like a fish on New Years eve). Also he's moved his toiletry bag that he keeps his pills in, so I can't tell what else he's taking.

She warned me that just because I do not see him abusing, doesn't mean that he isn't and to observe his behavior. She also said he is likely hiding alcohol somewhere (car, garage, yard/bbq - to look for it).

Sure enough, his behavior was giving him away.
I thought it odd that he was having trouble waking up and staying awake yesterday. Also he did decide to have a few beers in front of me last night. I think he's trying to prove he has it under control and its just normal drinking.

Anyway, I came downstairs this morning and he was passed out on the couch, he still had headphones on, the TV was also on and his cell phone had fallen on the floor.
There was a Sports Bottle next to him (which he uses when he doesn't want the kids to think he's drinking). Since he was asleep I tasted it to see what was in it. Sure enough it was alcohol (some sort of Raspberry Beer/Malt drink).

He'd gone through 8 regular beers, but I couldn't tell where this other mystery drink came from, so I started looking. Sure enough he had crushed this tall can and hid it inside the box that the other regular beers had come in and he had thrown it outside in the curbside trash barrel. Then I went to look in garage and eventually I found his stash. He had hidden a large tote bag/ice chest inside a shelf in the garage and it was full of tall boy malt beers and it still had ice in it. It also looks like he drank an old bottle of Triple Sec (I had been watching how much was in there).

Last week I thought he might have drank mouthwash, then I thought, that's crazy, he wouldn't do that. Now I am not so sure.

I am more convinced this is a real problem now.

I have been searching for Al Anon meetings in my neighborhood. I haven't found one yet, but I'll keep looking. As for counseling, I found one specifically to discuss our divorce and how to get the kids through it. I didn't want to bring up my husbands drinking since he was in the room with me and the counselor ( was afraid to discuss it in front of him). But I know I'll need to tell the counselor soon.

God give me strength to do all the right things, no matter how scary some of this is.

Thank you all for your help.

Hopeworks

Documenting is very important and your smart phone or ipad is your friend in this case. Taking videos without others knowing can be an easy thing. Some states prohibit audio recordings without advising first but video is allowable. Check with your attorney on this.

There are new devices that courts are using when alcohol use is an issue. It is a handheld device that alarms and the parent must blow into it within 4 seconds while it takes their picture. It insures that while they have the kids they are at least sober (not recovery but at least you know they aren't drinking and driving or burning down the house). Requiring one of those and drug testing should put a huge damper on his jolly plan of cashing checks while actively using. If he had no interest in the kids before then why so interested in shared custody now?

A few alcohol and drug test failures will change the picture and he will be forced to get a job and provide you with child support if he is not careful because you will get full time custody... even if he has never worked he will be required to pay his percentage based on minimum wage full time job numbers.