Dignity, Integrity and Marriage Restoration

Old 01-01-2014, 10:07 AM
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Dignity, Integrity and Marriage Restoration

I'm internally wrestling with myself here over what kind of person I will be if I accept my husband back (self worth) and what our marriage would even be like if I take him back.

On an individual level, if I'm a person who allows my spouse to abuse me and then I accept some apology (is there an apology great enough to make up for grabbing my arm with the intent to hurt and terrorize me? Ditto for telling our daughter I'm a *****. The only person I've ever had sex with is the same douche who said that.) and then carry on living with this person like we're hunky dory. How does that not make me a doormat? How does that not make me someone who can be trampled upon? I can't get over this. This is not a part of my personality (not normally anyway, I do realize it has become part of it for awhile because I obviously let myself be abused and then kept accepting my abuser back into my life & home, like an idiot), in general if someone hurts me in a malicious manner they're out for good, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I feel like my husband has successfully demolished his integrity and at the same time has stripped me of my dignity.

But let's say that I get over my individual issue of feeling reduced. As it pertains to marriage, how do you ever get equality and trust back? Right now, I own this show. I told my husband he was a bastard last night (because he is) and he just totally relented, took it and agreed with me. Granted, I shouldn't name call (even though he is a bastard) but I don't want to be married to someone who I think is a real piece of dung. My husband is a real piece of dung. He knows he is a real piece of dung. If I tell my BFF what has been going on, she's going to hate my husband. 99% of my mommy friends say that he doesn't deserve me and that I should leave him and look for greener pastures...which I know they're saying because they're normies but damn it, I want to be a normie too. Don't get me wrong, I really, beyond expressible measure appreciate you guys and everything this website is for but I'd like to go back to blissful ignorance about this website's existence.

I just cannot see beyond the current state. How can this ever be acceptable? I cannot wrap my mind around it.
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Old 01-01-2014, 10:23 AM
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Stung---Have you read the thread "Things a normie wouldn't know" ? If not, this would be a great time to read it. You will laugh...and, cry....but, you will get the point.

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Old 01-01-2014, 10:23 AM
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i haven't got a clue what to say, I'm in the same position... and I've learned that you can ask someone's advice about your situation. even when you don't like their answer and you're not ready to listen today, you will keep it in mind and you'll know you're not the one who's gone crazy.. Just listen to your feelings and if you can't (for now)keep yourself and your child safe, keep all the advise in your head you're not the one who has lost reality... It's not okay that he hurts you in any way, words do hurt and, grabbing an arm is a step further... just keep yourself and your child safe
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Old 01-01-2014, 10:26 AM
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I feel like my husband has successfully demolished his integrity and at the same time has stripped me of my dignity.

But let's say that I get over my individual issue of feeling reduced.
Let me ask you a question:
Why do you feel like you need to get over that feeling?
Why do you feel like you need to take responsibility for his actions and fix something he has broken?
Why do you not let yourself feel your feelings and act upon them, rather than upon what you think is expected of you (by whom)?

You have an absolute right to your feelings.
You have an absolute right to NOT get over being abused.
You have an absolute right to choose a life for yourself where you live abuse-free.

You do.
And you are worth it.

I lived with abuse for way too many years. And when I think about it, I get this image of a mother standing in line in the grocery store and her kid throws her hat out of the cart, the mom picks it up, the kid throws it out, the mom picks it up, repeat. It was like that. He was abusive, I apologized and tried to fix it. He was abusive, I apologized and tried to fix it. It wasn't until I realized that HE was the one who should apologize and fix or it wouldn't work that I started feeling like I actually had a right to step away from the fixer role...

And of course he never did.
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Old 01-01-2014, 10:34 AM
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Reread your post; sounds as if you have your answer. You can always legally separate for a year and re-evaluate at the end of that period.
Hugs
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Old 01-01-2014, 10:35 AM
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Dandylion, I think I've looked at it before. Is that the "some of it makes me laugh and some of it makes me cry" stickie? I know normies don't get it but I don't have any alcoholic spouse friends. I think that's partly due to my age. I think one of AH's friends is an alcoholic too but they're still partiers and childless so its a non issue for them.

Amy, because something makes me feel like I'm supposed to try to make our marriage work after this. He seems to be doing everything he's supposed to do and he's saying the right things and he's (for the most part) completely relenting to me. So I'm supposed to try to get past those things, right? But I don't want to call all the shots. Ugh. I just feel like I can't win here. Both paths are going to be hard and painful and I don't want to go down either one and I don't like where I currently am either.
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Old 01-01-2014, 10:39 AM
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Katchie, we're separated right now, although not legally. I definitely want to stay separated longer but I haven't had the balls to tell him that yet.
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Old 01-01-2014, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I actually had a right to step away from the fixer role...
I am a fixer too. It's what makes me great at my job. :/
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Old 01-01-2014, 10:48 AM
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It sounds like you are future-tripping a little here, and that can increase anxiety. I have been there and stayed there a long time, which kept me from dealing with the present circumstances.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Don't just DO something, stand there!"?

You are in Stage One. You're just beginning your awareness of these issues. You don't have to act, as much as it might feel like acting will ease your emotions. You don't have to have all the answers right now. I know that I was not ready to Act until the moment I was ready. Awareness and Acceptace had to happen in their own time, and only when I had gone through that could I take Action.

There are always consequences to our decisions, some positive, some challenging. But there is no point trying to deal with them in advance. You will go through many changes in perspective in the coming weeks, days, months...this is why we stress One Day at a Time on both sides of these boards. Do what you need to do today, and let tomorrow, next week, next month take care of themselves.
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Old 01-01-2014, 10:54 AM
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stung,

why are you scared to tell him you want to stay separated longer? what i remember hearing again and again (although i don't know anyone who actually follows this rule. most folks either get out or are desperately clinging to relationship) is that once an A seeks sobriety and recovery, they are not supposed to change (or is it be in a) relationship for a year and are supposed to totally focus on recovery for 1 year. After that year, both parties decide if they want to move forward with relationship.

you can always talk through it with him and agree to terms (i.e. no dating/dating, financial support. etc) like a contract. if you want to make it legal to protect yourself, i don't see a drawback to that. that gives you time to think and work on yourself without urgency and he understands seriousness and your boundaries.
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Old 01-01-2014, 10:59 AM
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Individual and couples therapy would probably be a great help. It's tough.
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:05 AM
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Ugh... Dating. That is nowhere in my foreseeable future. He's the only person I've ever been with and my kids are tiny. I can't date. And I think I'll truthfully be really, really hurt if he started dating people.

It would be more like I'd go out into the real world again, get my career up and running again and put my kids into daycare. I think I want the help of having an in-house spouse but I don't want to make any determination on what my relationship with him is right now. I mean, do those feelings change?

I'm don't know why I'm afraid to tell him I want to stay separated. I just am. I know I want that but telling him that freaks me out.
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:09 AM
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I don't know what I want. I just want something to be easy for a change. I want things to feel easy without feeling like I'm giving something up to have that ease.
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:15 AM
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i don't know if those feelings change. i think things are different for everyone. lots of varying factors.

maybe you talk with therapist about why you are scared to talk with AH about your feelings about this. you certainly do not have to make any decisions right now. take your time.

the reason i mentioned dating (i assumed you probably don't want to go there), is that if you do stay separated longer, writing it down or making some sort of agreement about dating protects you, if you don't want him to do that. NOT THAT HE WOULD. i have seen MANY men date when they are separated and the wife thinks that they are just not living together, but the man thinks she isn't here, i have needs...
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
Ugh... Dating. That is nowhere in my foreseeable future. He's the only person I've ever been with and my kids are tiny. I can't date. And I think I'll truthfully be really, really hurt if he started dating people.

It would be more like I'd go out into the real world again, get my career up and running again and put my kids into daycare. I think I want the help of having an in-house spouse but I don't want to make any determination on what my relationship with him is right now. I mean, do those feelings change?

I'm don't know why I'm afraid to tell him I want to stay separated. I just am. I know I want that but telling him that freaks me out.
I know your fear. I have it too. There is a lion in you, a lion that won't allow her cubs damaged, not even emotionally; that's why you separated yourself. Youll find that voice because you and those children rely on it. I didn't think I could do what I did yesterday, but I found the strength when push came to shove, not literally speaking. It felt so GOOD! to get that off my chest. YOU will feel so GOOD when you get your needs out there, whether he likes hearing it or not, you will FEEL GOOD! Shoot.. you may do like I did yesterday and it may just keep rolling out of your mouth everything you've need to say for a long time. And you know what, being said in kindness, its good for you and it's good for him to hear it whether he knows it or not. I found a little bit of spine yesterday and I pray you find more of yours. I say more of yours because you found enough of it to make the move you already have.. bravo! You CAN do what you need to do for your sanity.. YOU CAN. None of it means it has to be permanent, thats the beauty, but it will give you the time you need to sort thru everything, to heal, and give him the opportunity to do the same. I have to be honest, I've been on a feel good high every since. Ive been nicer to everyone around me as a result, too.
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:19 AM
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We haven't had sex in a million years. I already worry about that but good grief, I do not want to have sex with him now or anytime soon either. I need the emotional side to be there.
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:22 AM
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that might be a good thing to talk about too. so both are on same page and hear each other.
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:37 AM
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Well that definitely makes me sad. If he ever boinks someone else that will be it for me. That's a one way ticket to divorce in my eyes. Separated or not.

I have a friend who's husband cheated on her when she was pregnant with her first child. She divorced him (he subsequently married the other woman and they just had a baby together) and a few years later she married a great guy and now they have two kids together and are blissfully happy. I know one way or another I'll be blissfully happy again someday too. I hate that I can't see it from where I currently stand.
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:40 AM
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i didn't write that to make you sad. i'm sorry that it does.

all i meant to set up separation terms if you will continue to be separated (like you wrote you wanted). those terms are to protect YOU.
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Old 01-01-2014, 11:45 AM
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I know, and I appreciate you saying that because I hadn't thought of that at all. Like you said, I only thought of it in terms that we just plain ol' don't live together.
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