Peeved
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
Peeved
Today is New Year's Eve. It officially day 7 for me of not drinking. During this first week of my not drinking, my formerly non-drinking, non-pot smoking hubby , who has also been very vocal about I need to quit drinking, his sister and brother in law have to go into rehab, yadda, yadda - well, I guess in the spirit of Christmas he has decided to not only sneak a couple six packs of ale, but I can tell he's smoking pot again. He does the mouthwash/Visine/cup of coffee trick, but his eyes and demeanor give it away.
Somehow coming home seeing him high when we agreed that instead of going to a party tonight that we would go to church (!!) just pisses me off. I'm mad for various reasons, his slip, which really feels like non-support to me, my own desire for a glass or two of champagne, and just the stress of wanting to call him on his crap. Can I call him on this? Can I say, "Hey, how come you started smoking again when you were just telling everybody else to straighten up"? Is that co-dependent behavior?
AARGH! I'm dashing this off before I leave for church. Thanks for listening
Somehow coming home seeing him high when we agreed that instead of going to a party tonight that we would go to church (!!) just pisses me off. I'm mad for various reasons, his slip, which really feels like non-support to me, my own desire for a glass or two of champagne, and just the stress of wanting to call him on his crap. Can I call him on this? Can I say, "Hey, how come you started smoking again when you were just telling everybody else to straighten up"? Is that co-dependent behavior?
AARGH! I'm dashing this off before I leave for church. Thanks for listening
x
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Just a couple of thoughts
Is it possible that he never stopped but you were too into your own drinking to notice?
Is it possible that he has a superiority complex? Not drinking or getting high was his way of being superior to you, sister, and BIL. So with you not using, he lost his "edge". His use or pretend use may be his way of gaining his "I'm better than you" back by causing you to slip?
Is it possible that he never stopped but you were too into your own drinking to notice?
Is it possible that he has a superiority complex? Not drinking or getting high was his way of being superior to you, sister, and BIL. So with you not using, he lost his "edge". His use or pretend use may be his way of gaining his "I'm better than you" back by causing you to slip?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I would have to agree. Get it off your chest.
But as mentioned by hypochondriac, only thing that's important is your own sobriety. Doing this with your partner is great, but it can create a problem. One fails the other one goes down also, because it's a good excuse.
But as mentioned by hypochondriac, only thing that's important is your own sobriety. Doing this with your partner is great, but it can create a problem. One fails the other one goes down also, because it's a good excuse.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
My suggestion is to focus on yourself and your recovery. In early recovery I had no energy left for monitoring someone else. Use that energy in a positive way to get you through tonight and to begin tomorrow sober.
Allow your husband to do what he is doing.
Allow your husband to do what he is doing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
You're barely a week in.to this thing, now is not a good time for stirring up tumult in your relationship. I would focus my attention on your sobriety, and let your husband worry about his own, at least for the time being. Plenty of time to broach the issue productively down the road when you're in better mental and emotional shape.
So no, I would not call out your husband on his alleged pot use. Very little good can come of it, and it sounds more like picking a fight to vent your frustrations than an attempt to get something done.
Just my two cents.
So no, I would not call out your husband on his alleged pot use. Very little good can come of it, and it sounds more like picking a fight to vent your frustrations than an attempt to get something done.
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 51
I understand how these sorts of things can feel like a lack of support but before getting realize that perhaps your husband is someone who can use substances normally and does not realize how you as an alcoholic may feel about this.
I have gone through this with my significant other recently as well. I could tell he had stopped and had a beer after work. I felt really betrayed at first and wanted to rage at him but then realized he cannot really guess at how I am feeling right now and tried to look at how he is supporting me (taking work off to look after me during detox/withdrawal, forgoing NYE to sit in w/ me and watch movies just the two of us, etc) and realized confronting him in anger would not help. Maybe talk to him after you cool down but you are your number priority.
I have gone through this with my significant other recently as well. I could tell he had stopped and had a beer after work. I felt really betrayed at first and wanted to rage at him but then realized he cannot really guess at how I am feeling right now and tried to look at how he is supporting me (taking work off to look after me during detox/withdrawal, forgoing NYE to sit in w/ me and watch movies just the two of us, etc) and realized confronting him in anger would not help. Maybe talk to him after you cool down but you are your number priority.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 317
Thank you all for your support.
Well, since he asked why I was so quiet on the way to church, I told him that I wasn't judging him, but I knew he had been drinking and started smoking pot again, at that I was kinda puzzled at why after he had been on me and on his sister about his perception of our issues that he in the very same week chose to drink and smoke pot.
First he said that so and so might have been a bad influence with the pot. So I said, well, it was your choice to follow that person outside and ask them for a hit. He admitted that was true.
He never addressed the alcohol thing, but started talking about how he just wanted us to be closer and to be a better husband. WTF? By using?? I almost cracked up because I read on someone else's post that when they confronted their AH or ABF about using on the sneak, that's what they were told too! Too funny.
Like "Here, let me divert you from asking me difficult questions by telling you I want us to be closer. That should work." If I hadn't read that in another post, I might have bought it!
So I said, well, what is your plan for us to do that?
Him: Um, well, we go home after church and cuddle?
So I said, I thought we were going to start the New Year off right by going to church, not partying or anything, and going forward in the New year in a healthy sober way. It upsets me that you tell me I need to take care of myself and not drink three glasses of wine a night, and then when I'm in my first week of going without alcohol or anything else, you're downing six packs and smoking pot. I did not say, "You flippin' hypocrite."
So he said, "But, honey, we are. We're going to church. It's a New Year. We're doing this together"
And I say, "Well, I think it would be a good idea if we went together to AA and Alanon."
So he says, You're right. I'm sorry.
Then I just left it and went on with the rest of the evening, and I did not slip up. He may have partied but I did not. Day 7 done! Yes!!
Well, since he asked why I was so quiet on the way to church, I told him that I wasn't judging him, but I knew he had been drinking and started smoking pot again, at that I was kinda puzzled at why after he had been on me and on his sister about his perception of our issues that he in the very same week chose to drink and smoke pot.
First he said that so and so might have been a bad influence with the pot. So I said, well, it was your choice to follow that person outside and ask them for a hit. He admitted that was true.
He never addressed the alcohol thing, but started talking about how he just wanted us to be closer and to be a better husband. WTF? By using?? I almost cracked up because I read on someone else's post that when they confronted their AH or ABF about using on the sneak, that's what they were told too! Too funny.
Like "Here, let me divert you from asking me difficult questions by telling you I want us to be closer. That should work." If I hadn't read that in another post, I might have bought it!
So I said, well, what is your plan for us to do that?
Him: Um, well, we go home after church and cuddle?
So I said, I thought we were going to start the New Year off right by going to church, not partying or anything, and going forward in the New year in a healthy sober way. It upsets me that you tell me I need to take care of myself and not drink three glasses of wine a night, and then when I'm in my first week of going without alcohol or anything else, you're downing six packs and smoking pot. I did not say, "You flippin' hypocrite."
So he said, "But, honey, we are. We're going to church. It's a New Year. We're doing this together"
And I say, "Well, I think it would be a good idea if we went together to AA and Alanon."
So he says, You're right. I'm sorry.
Then I just left it and went on with the rest of the evening, and I did not slip up. He may have partied but I did not. Day 7 done! Yes!!
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