60 days - what I'm learning
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 304
60 days - what I'm learning
Drinking for me, and I think most of us, was a way to separate myself from my feelings. And boy, did I have a lot of feelings I wanted to separate from. We know them. They are the feelings that are so deeply lodged - so insidiously coded into our personality - that sometimes we start to believe that those feelings are who we are. So we drink.
One day, though, a voice came up from deep within me saying:STOP! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? THINGS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SO HARD AND NOW YOU ARE JUST MAKING THEM WORSE! WHY ARE YOU DROWNING ME WITH CHEAP WINE!
I knew why I was numbing the feelings with cheap wine, because I was afraid of the pain of the person behind that voice. I was afraid of what I thought I was going to have to face about myself, I was afraid of feeling those feelings again and always so I drank. I drank because I think at some core level of myself I actually believed that I was those feelings - the feelings of shame, disappointment, being pitiful, worthless, unlovable, unwanted, kicked aside.
But something was telling me that I wasn't those things. And it was begging me to stop drinking. For ten years it's been telling me to stop drinking. At that moment in New York when I knew that the switch flicked and I had become an alcoholic 10 years ago, it was telling me to stop drinking. Please stop drinking so you can hear me over the roaring of those feelings.
So 60 days ago, when I was at a breaking point and those feelings were screaming out in every area of my life, and I was drinking more than I ever had and feeling worse than ever, I decided to listen to that voice and stop drinking. I had no idea what I was getting into or how it would go, but I did it. Looking back, I'm not even sure exactly what compelled me to do it...but I did it.
I searched on the internet and found SR. Reading and posting in SR taught me what to expect and gave me a support community. I also got for myself the best medical help I could find, put some things in perspective, and set some goals for myself.
Goal one: get alcohol out of your body and your life.
Goal two: never feel the need to drink alcohol again.
Goal two was the hard thing...clearly. And it scared the hell out of me. It meant no numbing the feelings that I have been numbing for all those years, and facing them squarely.
But you know what? I am surviving it. At 60 days, I am surviving facing the things that hurt, the weeping shadows in the dark corners of my mind, the fears and the damage that obliterated so much of my internal landscape, and I am getting through. I am getting through. I am feeling things and getting through to the end of them. I am getting to know myself, and I am starting to feel compassion for me.
So there you have it. And I haven't had a drink. Do I want to? Of course I do, I'm an alcoholic, but it's no longer because I feel the need to escape from who I am.
I can't even tell you how empowering that is.
I can't wait to get from surviving to thriving.
It's my NYE wish for all my SR friends.
If you have it in you tonight and for the New Year, face the fears and the things that caused you to pick up the bottle. Work towards never NEEDING to pick up the bottle again. Have some compassion for yourself.
Peace.
One day, though, a voice came up from deep within me saying:STOP! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? THINGS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SO HARD AND NOW YOU ARE JUST MAKING THEM WORSE! WHY ARE YOU DROWNING ME WITH CHEAP WINE!
I knew why I was numbing the feelings with cheap wine, because I was afraid of the pain of the person behind that voice. I was afraid of what I thought I was going to have to face about myself, I was afraid of feeling those feelings again and always so I drank. I drank because I think at some core level of myself I actually believed that I was those feelings - the feelings of shame, disappointment, being pitiful, worthless, unlovable, unwanted, kicked aside.
But something was telling me that I wasn't those things. And it was begging me to stop drinking. For ten years it's been telling me to stop drinking. At that moment in New York when I knew that the switch flicked and I had become an alcoholic 10 years ago, it was telling me to stop drinking. Please stop drinking so you can hear me over the roaring of those feelings.
So 60 days ago, when I was at a breaking point and those feelings were screaming out in every area of my life, and I was drinking more than I ever had and feeling worse than ever, I decided to listen to that voice and stop drinking. I had no idea what I was getting into or how it would go, but I did it. Looking back, I'm not even sure exactly what compelled me to do it...but I did it.
I searched on the internet and found SR. Reading and posting in SR taught me what to expect and gave me a support community. I also got for myself the best medical help I could find, put some things in perspective, and set some goals for myself.
Goal one: get alcohol out of your body and your life.
Goal two: never feel the need to drink alcohol again.
Goal two was the hard thing...clearly. And it scared the hell out of me. It meant no numbing the feelings that I have been numbing for all those years, and facing them squarely.
But you know what? I am surviving it. At 60 days, I am surviving facing the things that hurt, the weeping shadows in the dark corners of my mind, the fears and the damage that obliterated so much of my internal landscape, and I am getting through. I am getting through. I am feeling things and getting through to the end of them. I am getting to know myself, and I am starting to feel compassion for me.
So there you have it. And I haven't had a drink. Do I want to? Of course I do, I'm an alcoholic, but it's no longer because I feel the need to escape from who I am.
I can't even tell you how empowering that is.
I can't wait to get from surviving to thriving.
It's my NYE wish for all my SR friends.
If you have it in you tonight and for the New Year, face the fears and the things that caused you to pick up the bottle. Work towards never NEEDING to pick up the bottle again. Have some compassion for yourself.
Peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Congrats on 60 days and excellent post anyistoomuch!
I loved the above part of your post. It's still amazing to me how resilient we are capable of being if we just have some sticktoitiveness and allow it. 
But you know what? I am surviving it. At 60 days, I am surviving facing the things that hurt, the weeping shadows in the dark corners of my mind, the fears and the damage that obliterated so much of my internal landscape, and I am getting through. I am getting through. I am feeling things and getting through to the end of them. I am getting to know myself, and I am starting to feel compassion for me.
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