Judgment and shame
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Judgment and shame
These two topics have been tumbling around in my thoughts a lot today, and I’m feeling the need to vent safely somewhere.
The ‘judgment’ part:
When my marriage to xah ended after I discovered an affair, I was cut to the core. I didn’t know that kind of pain existed until I experienced it. I don’t care how you slice it; what I experienced was a form of abuse. It was abuse as the result of the selfish choices of two others, my alcoholic husband and his new girlfriend. Here’s a link to a sticky by EnglishGarden about what defines abuse: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html. I was treated in a ‘harmful, injurious, or offensive way.’ I received ‘bad or improper treatment.’ And the two of them knew it or they would not have been acting in secret. Yet people (some) still found ways to dismiss it.
I remember a couple of xah’s family members saying to me, in defense of him after his affair was exposed, “It’s not our place to judge him.” And I remember thinking to myself, “But you know what? If he had picked up a bat and battered me physically, a jury and judge would have JUDGED his azz all the way to jail.” It was only different because his abuse toward me did not leave physical wounds.
I have heard it said many times here at SR that the emotional and mental pain suffered by some at the hands of their alcoholic or addicted family member was greater than physical abuse they received at the hands of the A. And physical abuse is deeply wrong. It can lead to serious physical harm or death. There is nothing okay about physical abuse. Yet, even though mental and emotional abuse is often described as a more painful form of abuse, we still seem afraid to address it as such. Not everyone does this, I know, but so many people dismiss it. The recipient of the abuse is often judged because there is no physical wound to be seen.
The ‘shame’ part:
When we live with the abuse of an alcoholic or addict, it’s embarrassing or shameful to admit it, so we often stay silenced about it in the outside world. Even after we learn that we did not cause it, we cannot control it, and we cannot cure it, we often still live in secrecy about it, maybe with the exception of sharing with trusted loved ones. We come here and share anonymously with people who get it. We read and learn about it privately, we go to anonymous meetings, we go to private therapy, private counseling.
And the funny thing is that there are bazillions of us who are affected by the illness of addiction of some kind, in some way. I remember someone hear saying, “If you shake any family tree hard enough, there’s bound to be an addict or two that fall out.” I agree. But we treat it with such secrecy. I can think of very few people I know who aren’t affected by addiction.
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with privacy. At all. I need mine too. But I feel like there is so much work to be done about addiction awareness. And abuse of all kinds. And the shame that people carry. I wish the stigma of addiction would go away. I wish that people didn’t have to hurt. I think that’s it mostly. I hate pain and suffering. I hate to see it in anyone. I have no idea what the answers are; I just needed to vent. I know there are others here who are wiser and more experienced, so thanks in advance if you have anything to share.
The ‘judgment’ part:
When my marriage to xah ended after I discovered an affair, I was cut to the core. I didn’t know that kind of pain existed until I experienced it. I don’t care how you slice it; what I experienced was a form of abuse. It was abuse as the result of the selfish choices of two others, my alcoholic husband and his new girlfriend. Here’s a link to a sticky by EnglishGarden about what defines abuse: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html. I was treated in a ‘harmful, injurious, or offensive way.’ I received ‘bad or improper treatment.’ And the two of them knew it or they would not have been acting in secret. Yet people (some) still found ways to dismiss it.
I remember a couple of xah’s family members saying to me, in defense of him after his affair was exposed, “It’s not our place to judge him.” And I remember thinking to myself, “But you know what? If he had picked up a bat and battered me physically, a jury and judge would have JUDGED his azz all the way to jail.” It was only different because his abuse toward me did not leave physical wounds.
I have heard it said many times here at SR that the emotional and mental pain suffered by some at the hands of their alcoholic or addicted family member was greater than physical abuse they received at the hands of the A. And physical abuse is deeply wrong. It can lead to serious physical harm or death. There is nothing okay about physical abuse. Yet, even though mental and emotional abuse is often described as a more painful form of abuse, we still seem afraid to address it as such. Not everyone does this, I know, but so many people dismiss it. The recipient of the abuse is often judged because there is no physical wound to be seen.
The ‘shame’ part:
When we live with the abuse of an alcoholic or addict, it’s embarrassing or shameful to admit it, so we often stay silenced about it in the outside world. Even after we learn that we did not cause it, we cannot control it, and we cannot cure it, we often still live in secrecy about it, maybe with the exception of sharing with trusted loved ones. We come here and share anonymously with people who get it. We read and learn about it privately, we go to anonymous meetings, we go to private therapy, private counseling.
And the funny thing is that there are bazillions of us who are affected by the illness of addiction of some kind, in some way. I remember someone hear saying, “If you shake any family tree hard enough, there’s bound to be an addict or two that fall out.” I agree. But we treat it with such secrecy. I can think of very few people I know who aren’t affected by addiction.
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with privacy. At all. I need mine too. But I feel like there is so much work to be done about addiction awareness. And abuse of all kinds. And the shame that people carry. I wish the stigma of addiction would go away. I wish that people didn’t have to hurt. I think that’s it mostly. I hate pain and suffering. I hate to see it in anyone. I have no idea what the answers are; I just needed to vent. I know there are others here who are wiser and more experienced, so thanks in advance if you have anything to share.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Thank you,
I no longer have an alcoholic in my life but I am part of another group now and I've shared with them that I'm divorced and a little about alcoholism. It is really hard to explain, in a brief way, what that really means. It takes so much. So much explaining, so much emotional energy, and often they still don't really get it. You end up sounding kind of out there, lol. Sometimes it is easier to just not go there. Most of the time it is easier - maybe even all the time.
We protect what we love. That is a basic tenant of all things in this world. Alcoholism nullifies that. An alcoholic protects drinking at the very destruction of what/who they love. It is a hard thing to admit and and even harder thing to wrap your brain around if you haven't experienced it at one end or the other.
I lived w/in an alcoholic relationship for a very very long time and even I did not get it, could not wrap my brain around it, until I washed away the denial.
I do feel a lot of negative things - or I did. There are endless loops of conversation that go through my head and I have to consciously work to make sure I replace the negative one's with the positive ones. Replace the feelings with the facts. It takes work because the end of the day, not feeling protected/loved/chosen is just not a very good feeling, even when we know all about alcoholism. The trick is to not internalize it.
I no longer have an alcoholic in my life but I am part of another group now and I've shared with them that I'm divorced and a little about alcoholism. It is really hard to explain, in a brief way, what that really means. It takes so much. So much explaining, so much emotional energy, and often they still don't really get it. You end up sounding kind of out there, lol. Sometimes it is easier to just not go there. Most of the time it is easier - maybe even all the time.
We protect what we love. That is a basic tenant of all things in this world. Alcoholism nullifies that. An alcoholic protects drinking at the very destruction of what/who they love. It is a hard thing to admit and and even harder thing to wrap your brain around if you haven't experienced it at one end or the other.
I lived w/in an alcoholic relationship for a very very long time and even I did not get it, could not wrap my brain around it, until I washed away the denial.
I do feel a lot of negative things - or I did. There are endless loops of conversation that go through my head and I have to consciously work to make sure I replace the negative one's with the positive ones. Replace the feelings with the facts. It takes work because the end of the day, not feeling protected/loved/chosen is just not a very good feeling, even when we know all about alcoholism. The trick is to not internalize it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Thumper 
We protect what we love. That is a basic tenant of all things in this world.
Thank you, Thumper. You nailed what I was having a hard time putting my finger on.
We protect what we love. That simple truth encompasses so many things.
The alcoholic protects the drinking. We protect the alcoholic loved one--sometimes at the expense of others, and always at the expense of
ourselves. The destruction leaves a trail of __________. (Insert all madnesses experienced.)
Others don't understand the madness, so the judgment begins. Those who do understand may judge anyway...in protection of what they love. Shame and embarrassment follow naturally in the wake of the destruction. We become too afraid to admit it, too buried in denial to see it, or too exhausted to have to explain it to those who don't understand. We protect what we love.
I can think of dozens of examples of where this simple truth has exposed itself in my life. One example - I have sheltered my girls from the truth of who their dad is. He is an alcoholic. They were babies when we divorced, but I didn't educate them about the illness soon enough. I thought I was protecting them from something they couldn't understand, but that was a mistake. I should have found age-appropriate ways to teach them about the illness as they grew. Now that they are in their teens and 20's, they're having to learn some truths the hard way. I thought I was doing the right thing because I didn't want them to hurt, nor did I want them to think less of their dad. I was protecting the ones I love.
Thumper...
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