CourtJester

<giving myself an "atta-girl"> When my "R"NAH asked, "What are your plans for this evening?", I felt my stomach drop. He had previously refused to communicate anything about his intentions for NYE, and I took that - correctly as it turns out - that he would be elsewhere, likely with someone else. I took a deep breath and explained that the girls and I had a variety of options and that no PLANS had been made due to the fact that we weren't sure what HIS plans were - he tends to get ootchy if I make plans involving the girls without running it by him. He usually bails on them at the last minute without explanation, but he likes having the illusion that he is "co-parenting in recovery". I stated that I knew that this was a particularly challenging holiday for him (his first marriage 29 years ago was on NYE and he spent the night sleeping in the hallway because he was so drunk and coked, his new wife wouldn't let him in) and that it was probably a wise idea for him to seek the best possible support option for the evening for his recovery. Again, that stunned, confused and panicked look. He asked if I was hitting a meeting today and I replied with, "I might". I am, but don't feel the need to discuss my own recovery with him in any detail.

I did not engage, I did not react, I did not create a crisis.

My heart is still racing and I still feel kind of sick to my stomach, but I'll be damned if I'm going to react or give in to my old way of being or create any kind of crisis.

I won't, I won't, I won't.

I am feeling weak, but I've already utilized the phone list that I received at the al-anon meeting last night and was blessed with some awesome support.

Feeling grateful.

TMZ

Good for you !!!

You did good! Be proud your taking back your own life.

There is a new moon this first day of 2014 and that hasn't happened in 19 years. This is going to bee a good year.

Be well,