CourtJester

I attended my very first ever F2F al-anon meeting last night. What a powerful experience! Great folks, so kind, great information, outstanding support. Really great. I'm going to keep going back, as well as looking forward to a nar-anon meeting on Friday.

I do have a couple of questions:

Eventually, I'm going to get a sponsor. Would I be asking for a sponsor from each group? Or finding the group where I feel most comfortable, with the person with whom I "click" the most?

Also, is it normal for my "R"NAH to be threatened by the fact that I'm acknowledging my own addiction and issues and actively seeking recovery? A friend wants to attend the nar-anon meeting with me and I was giving her details about it. "R"NAH climbed down my throat, because he allegedly thought I was making plans for the kids without his blessing. When I said I was making plans to go to "a meeting" and that the girls had their own Friday night plans to hang out with their respective friends, there was this look of ABJECT PANIC on his face. "You're doing what? What meeting? With who?" I said, "Nar-anon" and left it at that. I have never been encouraged in the past to seek my own recovery; in fact, I have been told, "Don't worry about THAT; you don't need THAT..." I'm kind of confused by this...dynamic. I wonder if it's the control factor; no mine - his.

I've even reached the point where I've let go of whatever it is that he winds up doing tonight. Is it going to hurt? Hell, ya. Can I change it IN. ANY. WAY? Hell, no. I see no point in continuing to beat myself up over things that I CANNOT CHANGE. I'm sure I'll have lots of "moments" in the future; relapses, if you will, where I'm going to freak out over ... something. I just hope and pray that I don't create the crisis.

KeepinItReal

You are amazing! Way to go for yourself!! Finally!! It does sound like he's worried about you getting your own help. Then maybe you will see through his BS.

I'm glad he's shaking a little in his boots.

hopeful4

They hate for us to get well! An addict does realize that these meetings do work. Misery loves company. Don't think for a second an addict wants those around them to have support. That makes them realize they will eventually have to own up to the behavior one way or another...which causes raw fear just like you saw. O my...you are getting a life of your own!

GOOD FOR YOU! Keep it up!

CourtJester

I don't know that my "R"NAH will ever be able to own up to his behavior. I had an epiphany recently while pondering his new relationship with another married addict. I thought, "I'd almost rather that he had slept with her" and for all I know, he has, because it's the emotional intimacy he's giving her that hurts the most. What I ALWAYS wanted from him that he either wouldn't or couldn't give me.

THEN...the A-ha moment...If - after 18 years - he couldn't or wouldn't give me that - what makes me think that he's going to be able to give it to anyone else? What makes me think that he's capable of being emotionally honest with himself, when I've never, ever seen that before?

So, he and his snatch on the side (yeah, I'm resentful) can have their "pink cloud" for the moment. I don't know, truly, what his support group has been told or if they even really do support this situation - but they are certainly aware of it. For all I know, they've been told we haven't been together for years (we actually divorced in 2008 and reconciled in 2009 - without the piece of paper). I take solace in the fact that I am able to move forward from a honest place, am learning to work from a detached position and that I, eventually, will reach a better place for me. Sure, it f'n HURTS and I expect it will for some time to come. I don't know that there will ever be more that what has already come before with my addict and I sure don't want more of what I've already had. I want healing and happiness.

TMZ

When you quit crying is when you start healing...

No the Addicts don't want you to seek help, they don't want you to know or have the answers. That way they still have control and can manipulate you.

It was when I first started working the "STEPS" that my AS's realized they no longer had control, and I found peace and serenity. Then things changed.


To find a sponsor; You can attend as many groups as you wish usually you will have one group you like the best that will be your home group. A sponsor will be someone that has what you want. The similar situation and has a good grip on the program and the steps. It is recommended they be of the same sex. Because that is the person you open up to and let know a lot of your feelings, though's, and short comings.
Don't rush to find one but in time one will cross your path. First work on you.

mayabee

The meetings, readings, and steps are about OUR recovery, just as AA and NA are about recovery for the alcoholic/addict. However, I think that some addicts assume that Nar-Anon and Al-Anon meetings involve a bunch of family members and friends sitting around addict -bashing, and that these meetings are somehow all about the addicts. Kind of goes along with the self-centeredness that is common with addicts. Glad that you are going to meetings for YOU, regardless of what the addict in your life may think.