patientlywaitin

The process of waking up feelin like you've been hit by a truck. Every light, sound or thought seems to make your head feel like Thor just took a swing at you. Stomach's upset, muscle tension and even your face seems to hurt. The only thing that sounds good is going back to bed!

Yea, I'm not referring to what happens after a crazy night out... Where you can partially remember having some sort of a good time. It's the feeling I have after a big fight with my RAH.

I'm a disfunctional at this point and probably shouldn't be attempting a thread due to the lack of coffee and a one.5 inch keyboard so if you manage to get through this post I thank you

I've been feeling down for a while. Tbh I haven't been myself since I got married. Crazy? Well I have plenty of failed relationships, chalked full of things I wouldn't be flexible about so now I have this annoying little bird (it's really not its fault) on my shoulder that gives me a hard time every time I'm being stubborn. I've learned to accept the things I cannot change, this does not mean I have to settle. What I have realized a lot lately is that I am the one making all the sacrifices in my marriage. Sacrifice, not compromise, it started off like that but turned into a one way street sometime along the way. I've become pretty good at "taking one for the team" but I hate it. I shouldn't have to and quite frankly I'm pretty friggin tired of it.

I have always been independent, raised by a single mom she instilled the words "Do not depend on a man, for nothing!" in my brain. After seeing what she'd been through being married to my AF and then long time ABF I could see why and have followed her advice. Until now. In my current situation ( married, 4 kids, 3 Girl Scouts, two jobs, college and one car) I have had to make some "adjustments". When my H finally found a job, making more money and getting better hours than me I cut back mine. What made sense at the time (8mo ago) is now wearing me down. I have rearranged everyone's life around his work, school and AA schedule which is just as crazy if not more unpredictable than an active A! I'm down to 9hrs a wk, home with the kids juggling housework, homework, extra cirricular activities, planning grocery shopping/errands for a slim chance that he might be home at a convenient time. Sometimes it's a little to much for me and I have stated that on many occasions. Not only am I overwhelmed, I'm becoming resentful. About the time my paychecks weren't large enough to cover bills on my account I brought it up to him again. I hate asking him for money even tho he's my husband. I should be able to without hesitation but it's just not in me. For 3mo now I have tried to put my feelings aside and do it anyway because, well idk why? I just have...

When he took this job, we needed it. We were in financial despair. For 4mo before we discussed (in reality I mean I told him) that I didn't want him to work 3rds. New marriage, new location for me, his infidelity, hiding the alcoholism and everything that went with that. I needed him home with me at night. He was offered his current job and accepted it before telling me he would be working 2nd-3rds. So after finding out it was like a slap in the face but I sucked it up because we needed the money. "It's only temporary" he says... Fast forward to today, there is a 3rd shift supervisor position about to open and he wants to apply. Do I? NO! I'm not sure how to make that any clearer! 4mo previous, 8mo since... I'm pretty sure I've spent a year wasting my breath?
Last night, after a horribly depressed day, he asked if there was a problem, to which I replied nothing new... Before falling asleep I told him that I didn't want him to apply for the job, that I didn't think our relationship was strong enough to get through it. He listened quietly for a few before he blew up. (Insert the unrecovered A side of him here) What he heard and what I said were no how related! Why? Because he didn't listen! The moment I took a breath he starts firing off and from them on out the conversation is him, him and him. I shut down and went to the couch, I have to work in a few hrs.... He comes in to ask me why I am not going to the bed and I told him I didn't want to disturb him. Proceed with round 2, FIGHT! He starts raging about all the things he twisted my words around to make before he storms back to the bedroom. The whole time I'm trying to be quiet, it's 2am, the kids are right above our heads and I don't want them to be upset.

Now here I am with my heartache hangover while my H and kids sleep in. I think I am a little jealous! I feel like crap both mentally and physically with no resolve. What a lovely way to start the day!

Please reinsert paragraph 3 here-

AnvilheadII

what are YOU getting out of all of this?

Stung

Gosh. I see so much of myself in your post and you know what I want to tell you? The same thing I want someone to tell me, actually I want it cheered to me: run away! He is sucking the life out of you. He's not helping with your kids, you're feeling exhausted and hungover from dealing with him. Additionally, I too was raised by a single mom and had the same moto of "you don't need a man for anything!" drilled into my head and here I am parallel to you, waiting on a dumb man to figure his stuff out meanwhile I feel exhausted and confused as to why I'm in this position to begin with.

I'm sending you a big hug, and cheering you on to take care of yourself, your kids and do what's best for you!

hopeful4

I would say that he is going to do what he is going to do no matter what. He took the job and hid from you the circumstances. He wants this, you do not. It sounds like there are many issues.

What are you doing for you? Do you attend Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? Do you have a face to face support system? Do you have a counselor? It sounds like you could really use some support to figure out what YOU want for a change. You really cannot expect anything from him, you can only change you.

I too have watched my AH sleep peacefully while I am throwing up because I am so upset by the fights that have happened. It took me a long time but I will say I walk away alot more now. He is just quacking away anyways, always blaming HIS issues on ME. I just say nope, not interested in having a conversation like this where you accept no responsbility and walk away. I have a plan and will stick to it. That alone has helped me so much. It has taken family, a therapist, Celebrate Recovery, and an attorney to help me get my plan together...but I do have one and it helps me stay calm and focused.

Baby Steps. Breathe. Work on YOU!

I hope you have a peaceful New Year!

patientlywaitin

Thanks for the response and I wish you all a Happy New Year.

Anvil, I could say I haven't gotten anything but **** on but that would just be the angry pessimistic side of me. Most days I try not to be that negative. Out of this situation in itself I get that I need to stop coddling him and do my own things as much as I can. I spend so much time and energy making sure life is kosher for him and the kids that I have nothing left to give myself. That feeling like he isn't listening or doesn't care is my slap in the face for not caring more about myself. That I deserve to say how I feel without being crucified for it or have my words twisted and shot back at me in a childish attempt to make me angry/hurt because I can manage to have a rational discussion about unpleasant subjects. In essence clarity. I know I'm not happy and things are not functioning as well as I need them to.

Stung, it feels impossible to accept... The whole dependent thing. It almost physically hurts me. I'm not sure if it's unhealthy or not but it's definitely unsettling! I have thought about running. That's where that little bird comes in, mocking me for wanting to repeat old behaviors. I've always ran when **** hits the fan and I swore this time would be different. Little did I know what I was getting into! I've toughed it out so far and we've made a lot of progress in a yr, especially for our first yr of marriage. Things need fine tuned. I can't do that on my own. While I can work on my part, he has to do his share. Your right, I am exhausted. The kids alone will do that on any given day. I think a good resolution for me will be asking him to help. I don't do that very often and sometimes if I'm lucky he will volunteer but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't kill him to do a little more.

Hopeful4, I don't have any support anymore. We started seeing his therapist for marital counseling when he was still actively drinking. She helped us through his infidelity and getting him into rehab. I loved her! Unfortunately 4mo into his sobriety she retired due to health problems and he hasn't bothered to get a new one. I say he because I don't have insurance until Feb so we were using his VA insurance to cover the expenses. I have mentioned a few times that I felt better when we went, and that I think it's something I need to continue. I will be asking for a referral at my initial Dr's appt and look forward to going. I'm 6hrs away from my hometown and only made it back once last yr so there is no face to face time with anyone other than my h, kids and clients. Don't even have a water cooler to stand around complaining We don't use social media so that isn't an option but I do have one friend other than my mother that I text and call often. I went to Alanon once and never went back, it was very awkward and the same group runs every meeting in the surrounding counties so I couldn't even shop around. Oh the joys of small towns... I do however have every intention of making myself a priority. I'm making progress with my outward reaction to the h, I just need to find a way to cope better on the inside. While I can play cool, calm, collective I'm really falling apart. I play it off like I'm ok even though he knows I'm upset, I'd just prefer to hide my pain which then turns to anger an later resentment.

It's taken me all night to type this on my phone with all the distractions but I can finally get to the upside.

After work this afternoon he asked me if Id like to talk. Wasn't a very convenient conversation as I was trying to enjoy a hot relaxing shower but it was eventually productive. He was initially defensive and I had to tell him to shut up, grow up and stop acting like a kindergartener more than once but I finally got through to him. I was able to say what I needed and listen to him. I'm not sure how much of a difference it will make but it felt good to finally speak my mind. He says he will not apply for the perminant 3rd shift position but that doesn't change the current one which he doesn't want to leave until he graduates in May if he can find a better one. I'd like him to continue to look for something more suitable in the mean time but I understand his point of view. So while I'm spending NYE home without him at least we aren't fighting or giving the silent treatment and he's still sober!

Happy New Year