EH21

I think that is what gets to me the most. I've broken up with him and I'm moving away soon. But for the time being I'm stuck here and I gotta be civil. We talk occasionally and what I'm realizing is after all the teary hard talks, the fighting and the psychological damage that he's inflicted on me after all that it's like I never said a word to him about anything. That's what bothers me the most. I'm broken from this and that is why I had to end it. I gave him 2 1/2 years of my life and about a million second chances. Every chance was very very hard to give and every disappointment was traumatizing. I find it hard to put into words but he almost pushed me over the edge as far as my sanity goes. And I don't need him to validate my feelings. What I want is to not feel like the crazy one. I mean this stuff really happened and it was a really big deal. He just shrugs it off and says "I know." BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW!!! I'm mean he's 12 years older than me and I'm too young to go through this crap. I won't get into specifics but I have major problems I need to work out in my life now which he caused. My future relationships are going to suffer because I have such a hard time trusting. I came into this relationship with problems from my childhood and teens (I'm 25 and was abused until the age of 19) which he was totally aware of. So then how could he do this to me? My whole life I've been forced to live with the consequence of other people's addictions. And while we were together he never listened to me, blamed me for his drug use and belittled my problems with him. I just feel so drained from so many different people in my life. It's like everyone sucks me dry then throws me away. How do I get passed this because I don't think he's ever going to admit anything or give me a sincere apology. I hate walking away from something I've put so much of myself into completely empty handed and worse off than before without so much as an apology. Addiction sucks.

Kindeyes

Yes....addiction sucks.

I'm sorry you were so deeply hurt by this relationship.

I hope that as you heal, you will learn to trust again.

gentle hugs
ke

CourtJester

So much of what you said resonates for me. I am very new into my own recovery from my addiction - my "R"NAH! I recently attended my very first F2F al-anon meeting and it was powerful. I think that there is a lot to be said for working OUR OWN PROGRAM and today I feel blessed that these resources are available to me. After 18 years and a lot of being discouraged to attend my own meetings, I wonder why I didn't do it years ago.

That said, my heart aches for you and everyone else who has to go through this hurt and heart-ache. It is horrible and no one - NO ONE - deserves to be treated like this. I totally get you.

AnvilheadII

EH21, remember you always had a choice to not engage, or to walk away early on in this situation....when the drug use became apparent, when he mistreated you. by staying, by giving 403 2nd chances, you gave an implicit YES. you volunteered to continue....you let yourself stay in an unmanageable situation.

an i'm sorry from him changes NOTHING. now is the time to begin to take better care of yourself, be mindful and circumspect with the people places and things in your life. make wise choices that do not put you in dangerous or unsafe conditions. establish good healthy boundaries. beef up your self respect. love yourself.

Chino

It's too long of a story but I can relate. My entire last year of therapy has been centered around that topic. It all started with my mom many moons ago and it steamrolled across three decades.

My therapist has asked me a couple of questions over the past few years that I don't ever want to forget. One of them was, what does love look like to you?

There's a moat around my castle. The only people who get to enjoy the castle with me are those who see and do love the same way I do. Everyone else has to stay on the other side of the drawbridge. That's my boundary. I've learned how to love from afar.

By the way, this is what love looks like to me. It is a two way street, with all people:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

hopeful4

Never ever expect an apology. That would mean they are able to actually see they have done something wrong.

You need support for you. You need to be able to recognize an addictive personality so you can stay away from those choices in the future. For me I had to realize I am a "fixer" and thought I had to fix everything for everyone. Now I see I cannot do that. I cannot fix anyone else.

Addiction is horrible. You can give an addict a million chances and they will blow it over and over. It is our enabling them and not forming our own boundaries. You are not walking away empty handed. You are walking away from this relationship with the knowledge of what addiction can do to your life. Don't pick it again. Get support so you know you wont. That is worth it in the end.

Hugs.

EH21

So essentially I'm expecting what he cannot give. And he can't give it because he's sick. That makes sense. I have a bad habit of giving people more credit than they deserve and when they don't live up to it I get upset.
I think early on in this situation I didn't walk away because I didn't understand what addiction was. He's very intelligent (or manipulative) and he just seems like he's so much better than all this. I honestly didn't think he was capable of this and when he did something unthinkable I just thought it was a mistake and it wasn't going to happen again. At this point I realize he's a reasonable person superficially and inside he's very sick and he's going to hurt me as much as I allow him to.
I do need to beef up my self respect and self love. I really think the abuse I've endured all these years robbed me of my self awareness. I ended up thinking that I'm not important and neither are my thoughts or opinions. I see things differently now. I realize that that stuff didn't have anything to do with me. I was abused because my abusers were sick. And if anything the fact that I'm still here means that I am strong and intelligent and very important. I'm trying to stop letting my past define who I am. I'm trying to remind myself that I am valuable despite any mistakes I have made. And I'm trying to believe that my opinions are the most important- to me at least.