I'm like a moth to a flame

Old 12-30-2013, 03:41 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm like a moth to a flame

There is definitely something wrong with me and I can see how I perpetuate some of AH's behavior. I have been flirting back and forth with AH last night and this morning and then I called him this afternoon to tell him something funny just because and I had to hang up before he answered so I could put an end to my own nonsense.

HELLO!!! Where is my brain?! This fool has treated me worse than anyone I've ever known! WHY am I flirting with him?! I shouldn't even really be talking to him unless its regarding our kids, dog or money. Argh!!!!

Counseling appointment is set for next week and it can't get here soon enough.
Stung is offline  
Old 12-30-2013, 03:55 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Think Stockholm Syndrome. You need the person that made you feel the worst to make things all better for you. I graduated from that school.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy55 is offline  
Old 12-30-2013, 04:00 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
Stockholm Syndrome
:/ I can't remember what that is. I remember talking about it in a criminal justice course I took in college. Heading to Google. I guess I wasn't too far off when I told my mom he's a terrorist.

Last edited by Stung; 12-30-2013 at 04:01 PM. Reason: ***to clarify, terrorist in that he terrorizes me.
Stung is offline  
Old 12-30-2013, 04:23 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Stockholm Syndrome in a relationship really refers to constantly expecting the person that hurt you to make things better. It's like we need validation from them, without that, we keep questioning ourselve. We will take the littlest crumbs that are offered waiting for a big payoff that never comes.

Stockholm Syndrome was from the bank robbery in Stockholm. They were given little bits of hope, along with being held captive. They grabbed onto the hope, and possibly love. When released, they would not testify against the bank robbers that held them hostage. They wanted to save them.
amy55 is offline  
Old 12-30-2013, 04:32 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Yikes, it totally sounds like Battered Persons Syndrome. Well that kinda freaks me out, but I'm not battered. Emotionally and verbally abused, yes, but not battered. :/ And there is no tension aside from the alcohol.

The syndrome develops in response to a three-stage cycle found in domestic violence situations. First, tension builds in the relationship. Second, the abusive partner releases tension via violence while blaming the victim for having caused the violence. Third, the violent partner makes gestures of contrition. However, the partner does not find solutions to avoid another phase of tension building and release so the cycle repeats. The repetition of the violence despite the abuser's attempts to "make nice" results in the abused partner feeling at fault for not preventing a repeat cycle of violence. However, since the victim is not at fault and the violence is internally driven by the abuser's need to control, this self-blame results in feelings of helplessness rather than empowerment. The feeling of being both responsible for and helpless to stop the violence leads in turn to depression and passivity. This learned depression and passivity makes it difficult for the abused partner to marshal the resources and support system needed to leave.[8]

Feelings of depression and passivity may also be created by lack of social support outside of the abusive situation. Research in the 1980s by Gondolf and Fisher found that women in abusive situations increase help-seeking behavior as violence intensifies. However, their attempts at seeking help are often frustrated by unresponsive extended family and social services.[9] In a 2002 study, Gondolf found that more than half of women had negative views of shelters and programs for battered women because of negative experiences with those programs.[10]
Stung is offline  
Old 12-30-2013, 04:46 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Just because he never hit you, means nothing. My ex did hit me at times, the emotional abuse was far worse then that. I actually at times preferred if he hit me, it meant the fight would end. I would have physical damage that he could see. He never saw the emotional damage.
amy55 is offline  
Old 12-30-2013, 06:15 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
krhea75
 
krhea75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
We often have a need for the comfort of that oh so familiar relationship. I used to think I wouldn't survive without my son (dif relationship obviously), but I am learning that one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time is how it works. And you have to realize that sometimes we need to be separate from our addicted loved one. Hang in there.
krhea75 is offline  
Old 12-30-2013, 06:59 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
OnawaMiniya's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by Stung View Post
There is definitely something wrong with me and I can see how I perpetuate some of AH's behavior. I have been flirting back and forth with AH last night and this morning and then I called him this afternoon to tell him something funny just because and I had to hang up before he answered so I could put an end to my own nonsense.

HELLO!!! Where is my brain?! This fool has treated me worse than anyone I've ever known! WHY am I flirting with him?! I shouldn't even really be talking to him unless its regarding our kids, dog or money. Argh!!!!

Counseling appointment is set for next week and it can't get here soon enough.
I do similar things.

I think for me, because I'm not quite in a position to leave yet, I have to do effing SOMETHING to make this less unbearable. Does that make sense? I CAN'T EFFING TAKE the endless fights, anxiety, pain, pain, pain...I think I'm just trying to keep my sanity until I'm able to leave while he's not here or passed out drunk, as an action to back up all of this pain I feel, and the Times I've told him I can't wait to be free of him, which I'm sure he doesn't think I will do. Little does he know I'm stashing away money and getting my things in order, to do JUST THAT.

Wasn't even sure I wanted to leave him a letter. Told my therapist I was considering leaving a photo I snuck and took of him passed out, whites of eyes exposed/eyes rolled back in head (yuck, so sick of that face, even while awake his eyes roll back in his head all glazed over), drunk as Hell, with caption,"Thanks for the good times!" Lol. I was serious though lol.

She suggested, after laughing, that I should at least explain boundaries in a letter I leave, like don't call me etc.

But yeah...I think you do what you can to stay sane while you're in it, because otherwise it's too unbearable...when there's really nothing but hurt and disgust, it kills you inside...

Peace.
OnawaMiniya is offline  
Old 12-30-2013, 07:15 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I think I'm starved for some positive husband attention so when I get it I kind of forget about the big picture and focus on how I feel in that moment. Big picture: he's sick, has done a lot of bad things, hasn't 1. Significantly improved himself yet 2. Made things between the two of us yet. In the moment: I just miss our friendship and enjoy having fun with him. I need to remind myself that those moments are fleeting. I care about longevity and the big picture so I need to stay focused...on myself and my long term needs & wants.
Stung is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:14 AM.