MsJojo

Hi
I'm really struggling at the moment and I think that I am grieving for the loss of my husband, who was also my best friend and the father of my two girls. We've been together for 20 years ( I was 19 when we met. I'm now 40) We've been through so many ups and downs and I really thought that we'd be OK. I don't think either of us realised that he was an alcoholic but knew that ,as someone who struggled with anxiety to the extent that he had needed in patient treatment , it was best for all of us that he didn't drink. He stopped for 4 years and his mental health improved. I had told him that I was not prepared to live with him if he drank. In April 2012 I went away with our dds while we had some building work done in the house. He drank and disappeared. On his return I had been so worried and desparate that I asked him to find a short term rental (3 months) in order to work on his mental health/ drinking and because my boundary was that I would not have myself and my girls live with him if he was not prepared to take care of his mental health and was binge drinking. He stopped initially and has some sober times where we have had some good family times. We haven't lived together since but have retained much of the friendship / family part of our relationship. On the other hand there have been about 8 major relapses during that time where there have been all sorts of disappearances, quacking and nonsense .
He has now been drunk for every moment of the day since late October and is taking illicit valium. I have spoken to him in the phone and he (at43) sounds like a sad, elderly man who has had a stroke. He is so unwell that he no longer knows how to stop or how to take care of himself.
His FOO managed to get him to their house over the holiday period ( I won't see him or have my girls see him in this state. He wrote them Xmas cards but the writing did not represent English. They are young enough that I just showed them the pic on the front. They just know that he is v ill. ) and I know that his FOO are hoping he might enter a rehab in the new year. Who knows?
I feel like I'm doing OK with looking after my daughters and detaching with love from my AH but I feel that I need to grieve and am not allowed because a) nobody died and b) in the eyes of my friends and FOO , we're all better off without him so I should be able to move on.

I'm sorry to have made such a mammoth post!
I guess what I'm looking for is a bit of hand holding and some ideas of books, links etc that might help me get through my grief.
Thanks
Jo

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry, MsJoJo It is grief we're experiencing, whether we or anyone else around us cares to acknowledge it as such doesn't change the fact that it is grief. It may not be a physical death but it is death that we're experiencing: death of our dreams, death of the nuclear family as we knew it/planned it, death of our relationship. I wish I had words of wisdom, but it seems you're farther in the process than me. I have no links for you, just hugs.

AnvilheadII

grief does not require a death to occur to be valid. your husband as he is today is not the same husband as in years past. you grieve that change that happened without your permission, you grieve life as you knew it once, a time that you remember fondly and wistfully. you honor your sadness, your loss, your feelings. NOBODY gets to tell you HOW to feel or WHAT to feel. sure, considering the circumstances and his constant state of inebriation, you ARE better off without him underfoot - but that's a pretty global statement, no one does BETTER with a full time drunk stumbling around. but maybe you don't quite FEEL that yet...that this is somehow better for anyone.

but sometimes there's better and then there's reality. and we make the best of it. and as we go about trying to remodel our own lives, we can always hold hope that the other guy can do the same.

Blueskies25

I also have no advice but feel the same way re grief and yes, people thinking I am better of without my AH so get over it when I am just not yet at that stage. I think there have been a few books recommnded on here from Kindle and Amazon on healing after break up. I haven't had a chance to look yet but when I do, I'll come back to you. I also attend counselling with a local addiction charity and their input to my own understanding and recovery is great. Would you have something similar locally? My AH -soon to be exAH - has aged dramatically in the last year and moreso in the last 4 months since I put him out. Its horrid to see but he is making his choices. Am sending you hugs.

dandylion

MsJojo---sometimes it can be as hard--or even harder--to grieve the living than the departed. For support with the grief--some people see a grief counselor or grief-support group--similar to like after the death of a close loved one.

It helps so much to be able to talk about the grief to others who understand and are compassionate. Having your feelings validated and respected are very important to the process of getting through this.

Please keep posting, here. You are not alone.

dandylion

ShootingStar1

There's an Alison Krause song that I used to listen to when I was still living with my AH but he just wasn't present that expressed just how I felt - the grief and the longing to have him back for real.

I'm just a ghost in this house
I'm just a shadow upon these walls
As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls
I'm just a whisper of smoke
I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
You took my body and soul
I'm just a ghost in this house

I don't care if it rains
I don't care if it's clear
I don't mind staying in
There's another ghost here
He sits down in your chair
And he shines with your light
And he lays down his head
On your pillow at night

I'm just a ghost in this house
I'm just a shadow upon these walls
I'm living proof of the damage
Heartbreak does
I'm just a whisper of smoke
I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
And took my body and soul
I'm just a ghost in this house
Oh, I'm just a ghost in this house


I am so very sorry for your loss.

ShootingStar1

Catherine628

There is a al-anon book called Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses. It's about grieving the losses that happen as a result of alcoholism.

MsJojo

Thanks for your replies. you've given me lots to think about. I ( like lots of us I'm sure) am ready for the holiday season to be over. I also turned 40 in December so there have been too many big deal days to get through recently.
I have spent so much time over the past month putting a brave face on to make it all lovely and sparkly and create happy memories for my children that I'm exhausted. What I really want to do is stay in bed with chocolate , tissues and some weepy fims and cry it all out of my system. Chance woud be a fine thing!!
Wishing you all a peaceful New Year
Jo x
PS sorry for the typo in the thread title

iamthird

This is exactly what I struggle with...how do you grieve someone who you have to see and interact with for your childs sake? Its so hard. You just have to keep reminding yourself that he is not the same man.

My husband is not the same at all. I get a small remnant of who he was once every so often but it never lasts. Sadly, the only thing that will make this easier is time. Use your support system even if its for tiny things as to not rely on him for anything.

Keep using this board. Vent here...we understand and all support each other when we feel at our lowest.

Hawkeye13

Dear MsJojo;
A happy and peacful New Year to you also.
You sound like a wonderful mother but don't be afraid to have that good
cry with a box of chocolate after kids are in bed.
Which weepy films do you have in mind?

Grief is better out than in most of the time.
You have good reason to grieve and will feel better releasing that energy.

MsJojo

Thanks for all your kind words.
Have had a sad day today as AH contacted me out of the blue and was rambling on, then said that due to something that he said during a telephone assessment with a rehab ( which, btw he won't go to,as he found their questioning instrusive???) I should expect a call from social care regarding my daughters.
I called the rehab immediately and they said it was nonsense but it has spurrred me on to start divorce proceedings in order to try to limit damage to my children and myself from any more chaos that may occur. I have let him know and he will not contest the divorce. He said that he agrees that it is the best way to try and protect us from his behaviour legally and financially. I am so sad that this is what has become of my husband and best friend. I'm no longer angry with him, I just feel heartbroken at the state that he is now in and wish there was some way of turning back the clock so that I could have my *real* husband back. I'm just so sad but I know that this is the right thing to do.

Hawkeye- it doesn't take much to make me cry these days - I can shed a tear at just about anything.... crying at The Croods cos the caveman dad was a better dad than my girls' dad for example. But if you have any more age- appropriate suggestions I'd love to hear them .

MsJojo

So, I filled in the divorce paperwork. I spoke to him about it and he said that , considering the state he in he could see no other option for me. Sad.
I couldn't find our marriage certificate and searching for it led me to look through all the sentimental bits and pieces that I would usually avoid. I found some old photos ( pre digital so rare ;-) ) of us when we first met. I hadn't looked at these for years and was devastated by what I saw. He was young, handsome and full of life and I was (am?) so in love with him. I feel so gutted that he no longer exists in the same way and that my girls have missed out on having the sober one for their daddy. ( don't get me wrong, they're not going to be seeing the drunk one any time soon)
I so miss the luxury of having a husband who was my best friend to come home to. I'm really struggling with the " lonely in crowds" feeling at the moment.
Thank you for understanding
Jo xx

NYCDoglvr

The end of a relationship brings up grief. The person you once knew is gone and won't appear again. Even if he got sober, went to meetings, he wouldn't be the same person. But it sounds like you are moving forward so my hat is off to you. Nothing happens as quickly as we'd like but expect your life to steadily improve with him completely out of your life.

Hawkeye13

Hi Msjojo;

No particular suggestions for films at the moment but I'll ponder it and think of a few.
Just a big hug and hope that you feel a bit better once process is started.

lillamy

Ms. Jojo,

Your post made me teary-eyed. Because I remember.
I remember getting to the point where I realized that nothing I did would make one iota of difference in my husband's drinking. And that the man I married and dedicated my life to was, for all intents and purposes, dead.

I spoke a lot during that time with a friend whose mother was slipping into the fog of Alzheimer's. She said she also was in the strange place of grieving someone who was still alive. But what she said to me was "maybe you can see it as grieving the relationship you had rather than the person he no longer is?" and so I tried seeing it that way.

I don't know if that helps. I'm sorry your heart is hurting.

Blueskies25

Ah, msjojo. Sending you hugs. I also am now divorcing AH and initially he agreed for same reasons and was willing to do it nicely but that's all changed, sadly. But like you I battle with myself when I find photos etc of how he used to look, the gorgeous man I adored as my husband and best friend. But as others say, my AH likes urs will never be the same and also like you I want to protect my children and myself. It's just heartbreaking but please know that you're not alone.