Help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 10
Help
I am new to this site but not to the life of being a crackhead's mother. My 36 year old son relapsed last year and is spiralling downward so fast. He was clean for almost 6 years.
Today was the first time in all his using years (there were 7 before he got clean the first time) that he has ever blamed me for his life and the fact that he is about to lose his wife and daughter, saying it is my fault. I am crushed and disillusioned beyond belief. I asked him not to contact me again until he was sober and he said he will never contact me again EVER. What have I done?? I don't know how to help him or help him help himself (if that makes sense?) How far does he have to go before he will realize that he is messing his life up beyond repair? Is there nothing to help a crackhead medically? I have read web sites until I can't keep my eyes open and it all seems so hopeless.
Today was the first time in all his using years (there were 7 before he got clean the first time) that he has ever blamed me for his life and the fact that he is about to lose his wife and daughter, saying it is my fault. I am crushed and disillusioned beyond belief. I asked him not to contact me again until he was sober and he said he will never contact me again EVER. What have I done?? I don't know how to help him or help him help himself (if that makes sense?) How far does he have to go before he will realize that he is messing his life up beyond repair? Is there nothing to help a crackhead medically? I have read web sites until I can't keep my eyes open and it all seems so hopeless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Get thee to an Alanon or Naranon meeting! Or a therapist. Maybe even both! Seriously, if you haven't done that before there's no time like the present. You can work the recovery program you wish he would, and that will help everyone.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O my dear...addicts are the very best at playing the blame game. It is part of addiction. They are mentally unable and unwilling to blame themselves for their issues. Unfortunately, it is often the people who are the closest to them that get the brunt of their verbal abuse.
I agree, find Alanon or Celebrate Recovery for you. A good counselor will help you also. You have to come to a place where you can accept that there is not one single thing you can do for him. He has to make the choice to want help. Until he is in that place it will not happen and he will continue to blame everyone around him.
For many it is hopeless until and if they make that decision. It does not have to be hopeless for you.
Hugs.
I agree, find Alanon or Celebrate Recovery for you. A good counselor will help you also. You have to come to a place where you can accept that there is not one single thing you can do for him. He has to make the choice to want help. Until he is in that place it will not happen and he will continue to blame everyone around him.
For many it is hopeless until and if they make that decision. It does not have to be hopeless for you.
Hugs.
Originally Posted by Gerrysgirl 
I am new to this site but not to the life of being a crackhead's mother. My 36 year old son relapsed last year and is spiralling downward so fast. He was clean for almost 6 years.
Today was the first time in all his using years (there were 7 before he got clean the first time) that he has ever blamed me for his life and the fact that he is about to lose his wife and daughter, saying it is my fault. I am crushed and disillusioned beyond belief. I asked him not to contact me again until he was sober and he said he will never contact me again EVER. What have I done?? I don't know how to help him or help him help himself (if that makes sense?) How far does he have to go before he will realize that he is messing his life up beyond repair? Is there nothing to help a crackhead medically? I have read web sites until I can't keep my eyes open and it all seems so hopeless.
Today was the first time in all his using years (there were 7 before he got clean the first time) that he has ever blamed me for his life and the fact that he is about to lose his wife and daughter, saying it is my fault. I am crushed and disillusioned beyond belief. I asked him not to contact me again until he was sober and he said he will never contact me again EVER. What have I done?? I don't know how to help him or help him help himself (if that makes sense?) How far does he have to go before he will realize that he is messing his life up beyond repair? Is there nothing to help a crackhead medically? I have read web sites until I can't keep my eyes open and it all seems so hopeless.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Welcome to SR, you will find a lot of support here.
First of all, this is NOT your fault. It was his choice to use, not yours. Blaming you is a way to avoid his role in this mess. Remember the 3 C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. To an addict who is currently using, anyone that stands in the way of their addiction or makes them feel bad about what they are doing, is the enemy. Right now the drug is poisoning his mind, body and heart. Try to detach and set up some boundaries.
Many addicts have posted here saying that once they sobered up, they realized how awful their behavior was towards their loved ones and had a lot of remorse. I know it's hard to hear and see what you're son is doing, but remember it is his CHOICE. Don't let him guilt you into believing otherwise.
Hugs
First of all, this is NOT your fault. It was his choice to use, not yours. Blaming you is a way to avoid his role in this mess. Remember the 3 C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. To an addict who is currently using, anyone that stands in the way of their addiction or makes them feel bad about what they are doing, is the enemy. Right now the drug is poisoning his mind, body and heart. Try to detach and set up some boundaries.
Many addicts have posted here saying that once they sobered up, they realized how awful their behavior was towards their loved ones and had a lot of remorse. I know it's hard to hear and see what you're son is doing, but remember it is his CHOICE. Don't let him guilt you into believing otherwise.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 10
thank you for your replies. I live in a remote part of Nova Scotia and AA (and the like) groups are not readily available to me. I am trying to self council and today was better than yesterday although every now and then I am overcome with guilt and sorrow.
I would like to do serious harm to the dealers of this crap. I wonder how many families they have destroyed without care.
I will continue to read through the threads on here and hopefully get to a place where I am not so consumed by this. Thanks again.
I would like to do serious harm to the dealers of this crap. I wonder how many families they have destroyed without care.
I will continue to read through the threads on here and hopefully get to a place where I am not so consumed by this. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
It isn't face to face but it's 100% better than nothing.
Wishing you much better 2014!
It isn't face to face but it's 100% better than nothing.
Wishing you much better 2014!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....there are lots of Mom's here who understand the heartache of seeing their adult children consumed by addiction.
There was a wonderful reading in the SESH book (a Nar-Anon daily reader that is available through Nar-Anon.org for download!!) about acceptance. I had to accept that my son is an addict. Once I was able to do that, I was able to approach him in a much healthier manner.....for him and, perhaps most importantly, for me.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
There was a wonderful reading in the SESH book (a Nar-Anon daily reader that is available through Nar-Anon.org for download!!) about acceptance. I had to accept that my son is an addict. Once I was able to do that, I was able to approach him in a much healthier manner.....for him and, perhaps most importantly, for me.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Hi Gerrysgirl and welcome to the board. I too am am a mother of a RAS who is 30. I know the heartbreak, despair and pain you feel. I think my husband and I have aged 10 years in the last 6 months.
Many addicts will play that blame game and blame anyone else for their actions. It is something they do to protect themselves so they can continue to use. If they admit it is their fault then they have to do something about it. believe me when I tell you, you had nothing to do with his decision to use. It is not your fault in any way,shape or form.
I had to learn myself that I did nothing and I could not "make" him change nor want to get help. Your son has to want it for himself and all the begging and pleading are a waste of time (been there, done that!). As one of his counselors asked me "how's that working for ya?" Not too good actually.
I understand your feeling hopeless and helpless, but know each person has to walk their own path. Neither you nor I can help them. We can be there for support once they agree to get help but they have to want to help themselves.
I am not sure about you but I found the inability to control the situation and make everything ok very difficult. Are you used to making everything ok and are you a fixer? I was given a very good book to read "Codependent NO More by Melanie Beattie. I recommend you read this. I think it will help you immensely. I agree 100% with Kindeyes that accepting that they are addicts and then realizing you cannot control anything are very important first steps.
Please keep coming back and posting. There are many wonderful people here who care and will give you many suggestions and lots of support.
Many addicts will play that blame game and blame anyone else for their actions. It is something they do to protect themselves so they can continue to use. If they admit it is their fault then they have to do something about it. believe me when I tell you, you had nothing to do with his decision to use. It is not your fault in any way,shape or form.
I had to learn myself that I did nothing and I could not "make" him change nor want to get help. Your son has to want it for himself and all the begging and pleading are a waste of time (been there, done that!). As one of his counselors asked me "how's that working for ya?" Not too good actually.
I understand your feeling hopeless and helpless, but know each person has to walk their own path. Neither you nor I can help them. We can be there for support once they agree to get help but they have to want to help themselves.
I am not sure about you but I found the inability to control the situation and make everything ok very difficult. Are you used to making everything ok and are you a fixer? I was given a very good book to read "Codependent NO More by Melanie Beattie. I recommend you read this. I think it will help you immensely. I agree 100% with Kindeyes that accepting that they are addicts and then realizing you cannot control anything are very important first steps.
Please keep coming back and posting. There are many wonderful people here who care and will give you many suggestions and lots of support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 10
Thank you and you are right.. ... once I can convince myself that I cannot control him or his addiction, then maybe I can control my own desire to always FIX him. It is sadness I think that is overwhelming me right now. . . . for the loss of my first child's life. The potential of his life is being killed by this drug. He has a beautiful 5 year old daughter that idolizes him and she is starting to act out because of the situation at home. His wife is such an lovely girl but she is enabling him by allowing him to stay and continually giving him money. She calls me to unload and I offer my opinions and then in a couple of days my son calls me screaming that it is my fault and I should mind my own business. All goes quiet for a while and then he calls me again, full of remorse and apologies, begging me to forgive him and start over. I love my son . . I can't say no, so we start the rollercoaster ride all over again. I am sick with heartache and need to do something for my own sanity. Thanks again for your support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I hear your heartbreak.
Saying no is most often a good thing to the addict. Its important to protect your peace and detach.
Point your daughter in law here for support.....she needs to understand addiction and its cycle.
He isn't in his right mind and will do manipulate if allowed.
Saying no is most often a good thing to the addict. Its important to protect your peace and detach.
Point your daughter in law here for support.....she needs to understand addiction and its cycle.
He isn't in his right mind and will do manipulate if allowed.
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