sponsor
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: sw, pa
Posts: 81
sponsor
So Friday and Saturday my hubby used.. after "30 days clean" I use quotes b/c I don't ever know what is real anymore. I could tell for sure though. He lied at first which I didn't buy and then came clean and admitted it. Anyway... I know he hasn't talked to his sponsor for at least two days.. and I am contemplating sending him a text saying... Things are NOT good here- If he is painting a pretty picture it is BS. URGH. I feel like his sponsor has no idea what is going on...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The hardest part of dealing with a loved one's recovery is staying out of it. I understand how you feel.....I've certainly felt that way before too......but it does no good for us to try to control someone else's recovery. Think of it like this......if you were in Weight Watchers, but decided to eat an entire bag of potato chips......how would you feel if your husband called your Weight Watcher's group to report it? Chances are.....you'd be resentful and angry. Same thing.
You know what you know. It's up to your husband to talk to his sponsor. And if he's not talking to his sponsor, your interference (and that is how it will be viewed by your husband and his sponsor) is only going to breed resentment.
When dealing with difficult situations, I find that instead of calling someone else's sponsor.....I need to call my own.
Perhaps establishing your boundaries would be another approach. Say what you mean (state boundaries clearly), mean what you say (your boundaries are not negotiable), and don't say it mean. Keep in mind that boundaries are "I" statements not "you" statements and include what you are going to do if the boundary is crossed. Be careful not to state boundaries that you will not or cannot keep and be careful not to state boundaries as an ultimatum. The result of crossing a boundary should be a consequence.....not a punishment.
Just my two cents.....take what you need and leave the rest.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
You know what you know. It's up to your husband to talk to his sponsor. And if he's not talking to his sponsor, your interference (and that is how it will be viewed by your husband and his sponsor) is only going to breed resentment.
When dealing with difficult situations, I find that instead of calling someone else's sponsor.....I need to call my own.
Perhaps establishing your boundaries would be another approach. Say what you mean (state boundaries clearly), mean what you say (your boundaries are not negotiable), and don't say it mean. Keep in mind that boundaries are "I" statements not "you" statements and include what you are going to do if the boundary is crossed. Be careful not to state boundaries that you will not or cannot keep and be careful not to state boundaries as an ultimatum. The result of crossing a boundary should be a consequence.....not a punishment.
Just my two cents.....take what you need and leave the rest.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: sw, pa
Posts: 81
I have no sponsor. I only have this site. I wish I could make it to meetings in my area- however between work schedule and two small children- it is pretty impossible. I don't even know how to word these- I would like to tell him if he uses again, he is not welcome here anymore. However, I don't know if I can do it... I don't know if I have the strength to tell my kids. Financially I don't know how I can do this without him. Everything I come up with almost sound like an ultimatums. IDK
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sorry if I was so blunt with my reply but it’s the truth. We can’t get them clean and the more WE try the more confused and hurt we get.
If you can’t make it to meeting then keep posting here, lots of experience here. It may not always be what you want to hear but you/we need to hear it.
We often talk about planning - planning all of those things – building strength, getting on our own financial feet, etc. so that if and when the day does come where you feel the need to leave you are prepared to go it on your own without relying on the addict.
See I could tell you today that by relying on the addict, making yourself and your children totally dependent on someone who is has proven not to be dependable (he couldn’t depend on himself to stay clean for more then 30 days) you are already in sink mode without a life preserver. But all of those things are what you are going to figure out on your own when you are ready to figure them.
We spend enormous amounts of wasted time trying to get them clean, looking up rehabs and a program, reading about THEIR illness and what is best for them. Having the mind set to contact THEIR sponsors……….all in desperation mode BECAUSE most of the time our lives are so dependent on them for just about everything. If we can FIX them then OUR lives will be ok…………..it never works like that, sorry.
We are taught to prepare for storms, make emergency kits, have extra food and water – all medicines on hand, and cash ready and a safe place to go. Life with an addict is no different, we need to prepare and be ready and if we chose to stay to stay with them, we may need to prepare for many storms over and over again.
If you can’t make it to meeting then keep posting here, lots of experience here. It may not always be what you want to hear but you/we need to hear it.
We often talk about planning - planning all of those things – building strength, getting on our own financial feet, etc. so that if and when the day does come where you feel the need to leave you are prepared to go it on your own without relying on the addict.
See I could tell you today that by relying on the addict, making yourself and your children totally dependent on someone who is has proven not to be dependable (he couldn’t depend on himself to stay clean for more then 30 days) you are already in sink mode without a life preserver. But all of those things are what you are going to figure out on your own when you are ready to figure them.
We spend enormous amounts of wasted time trying to get them clean, looking up rehabs and a program, reading about THEIR illness and what is best for them. Having the mind set to contact THEIR sponsors……….all in desperation mode BECAUSE most of the time our lives are so dependent on them for just about everything. If we can FIX them then OUR lives will be ok…………..it never works like that, sorry.
We are taught to prepare for storms, make emergency kits, have extra food and water – all medicines on hand, and cash ready and a safe place to go. Life with an addict is no different, we need to prepare and be ready and if we chose to stay to stay with them, we may need to prepare for many storms over and over again.
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