Razzle22

Ok so I am 24 years old and 9 months pregnant. My boyfriend is a wonderful man he is great with me and so excited about the baby. We first talked about him possibly having a drinking problem early in our relationship but not seriously. We had our only real big fight about his problem the day after I told him I'm pregnant. He came to pick me up from work and I could tell after he started driving he was drunk but he denied it. We got into a huge fight and I told him if he would risk me and the baby like that I wanted nothing to do with him and left. The next day he called me and was the most upset I had ever heard him and he promised he was done drinking. He stopped for three months completely but then he relapsed he has been secretly drinking for the last 3 weeks and lying about it. I knew but couldn't deal with it, I didn't know how to confront him or what to do. Last night he confessed to me and he said he would re-commit and he dumped out all the beer he had. I believe he can and will do it but I have no idea how to help him or what I should do for my part. He is so hard on himself. He needs help, he needs a support group but he is too embarrassed to go. Please I can use some advice.

Seren

Hello Razzle22 and Welcome to SR!

You've found a great place for support while you work through all of this!!

I do hope that your boyfriend can and will grab onto recovery with everything he has, but it might be rough going for a while. Do you have other people in your life to help you out once the baby arrives. Early recovery is a very selfish time for any alcoholic as it can mean life and death.

But you need and deserve help and support especially right now with a baby due to arrive any day.

One thread that really helped me when I first arrived at SR is this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Welcome again! I'm glad you are here

Razzle22

Thank you and yes I do have help. His family is very supportive and they know about his problem and want to help. His mother even went to al-anon meetings because of him before and she says she will go with me to one. I am just worried that once the baby is here I will be too busy to do what I need to for him in this. I want to get his support system up and running before the baby comes. He is already a great father and I want to help him keep to it. Our daughter needs him and I know he needs help. I'm the daughter of a recovering alcoholic and know how hard it could be for her. I don't want my boyfriend to be like my father. I am not afraid to do whatever I have to in order to make my family work.

thislonelygirl

I hope he does. I really really do. I will keep yall in my prayers. 25 two kids and one one the way and married to an alcoholic.my ah has made lots of promises....yes hes stopped on some of them but goes right back to it. Its no life to live and it sure isnt a good one for a kid.
I know your thinking well he could change or I believe he will or he has its hard and im not perfect either and my kid needs both parents together.
I would have agreed with you more earlier on however im broken. Alcoholism has broken me.
My ah has no coping skills and everyone is constantly walking on eggshells.
Anyhow thats my story....my name lonelygirl isnt because I have nobody.
Its because its lonely being with an alcoholic .
I hope truly hope your bf gets it together but thats is HIS responsibility and HIS choice.
Read the 10 ways to tell an alcoholic is full of crap. Its 100% true. Its on this forum somewhere

Good luck. God bless

thislonelygirl

Heres the link

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html

Leana

Razzle- I have a daughter your age, so forgive me if I speak to you like a mom but that is the only way I know how to make this post.

Beginning in a few weeks or days, you will have one and only one responsibility and that is to your child. You need to protect that baby at all costs. So far your bf has endangered both your lives, lied to you, and broken numerous promises. I am not saying that is a deal breaker but it certainly should be enough to talk to someone about this situation.

Your BF may be a wonderful guy. Your BF probably has sincere intentions to stop drinking. Your BF probably made the promises with complete sincerity. The problem is...He is an alcoholic. Even if he quit this second, the next few days, weeks, and months are going to be difficult for him. Getting sober is hard. Getting sober requires a lot of self centered behavior because you have to put your sobriety first.

That said. You are 9 months pregnant and the next few days, weeks and months are going to be tough for you (joyful but tough). You are now putting yourself in the position, when your own body is recovering from giving birth and lack of sleep, to not only take care of a child but to do it with a person in the early stages of recovery or worse, actively drinking. I think the stress is going to be enormous for you.

Your BF needs to step up and "man up". He needs help, help that you will not be able to give him. How? I have no idea. Until he is ready to get sober, nothing you can say or do will change his drinking behavior. You need to make the best decision for you and your child, and you don't have a lot of time to do it. Good Luck.

Razzle22

Well so he came home from work today and I could tell something was wrong he admitted he drank after work ( he is a cook and the restaurant has its own bar) I didn't even get to say anything to him after he confessed he walked straight into the bedroom and looked up alcohol support hotlines and ended up calling AA. He is going to his first meeting Friday. While I'm glad he did it on his own, I know how hard it will be. My Dad struggled for years with alcohol and has been sober for about 8 years now. I lost years with my father to his addiction. I don't want that for my daughter but I made it clear I WILL NOT live with him drinking. If he ever drinks around her or puts her at risk he is out of the house. I wont watch him put alcohol before his family. If that means kicking him out so be it. My daughter comes first. If he relapses he has to tell me right away and we can deal with it. He says that if the meetings don't help he will go to rehab. I said we will see and do what we have to. He loves our daughter so much he lights up when she kicks, I really hope he can pull it together for all three of our sake.

Recovering2

"I am just worried that once the baby is here I will be too busy to do what I need to for him in this. I want to get his support system up and running before the baby comes. He is already a great father and I want to help him keep to it. Our daughter needs him and I know he needs help. I'm the daughter of a recovering alcoholic and know how hard it could be for her. I don't want my boyfriend to be like my father. I am not afraid to do whatever I have to in order to make my family work."

Here's the reality. There is nothing you can do to get him sober and in recovery. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. This is his journey, and it has to be him who seeks help. It's not up to you to develop his support system, that's his job. What is HE willing to do to make your family work? Is he willing to get past his "embarrassment" and get to AA?

What can you do? Go to AlAnon, and learn to take care of you, make the time. Learn all you can about this disease. Focus on your health and your baby. Your boyfriend is an adult, he will make his own choices.

LadyinBC

Chances are you will be too busy to see to his needs when it comes to this. Speaking as an alcoholic you need to let him get his own support system up and to see to his own needs. This is what us alcoholics have to learn to do. People doing this for us, teaches us nothing.

It is our responsibility. This is the problem with us, we like it when other looks after us and ensure everything is in place for us. This way it takes some of the accountability off of us and when it all goes down crapper, well it's not OUR fault. Because after all you are the one that set it up! Sometimes this can be part of the blame game we like to play.

At the end of the day we need to swallow our pride and get the help we know we need. Promises are simply words and really mean nothing we have to show by doing.

Recovery is definitely not easy and it is something that takes years, not just a few months. There can be many relapses and sometimes the problem gets worse before it gets better.

You will find lots of support and help here in the family forum, the peeps here are great!

honeypig

As others have posted, what do you think you "need to do for him"? Why would you, a soon-to-be mother, need to "get his support system up and running for him"? If he's going to be a "great father", he should certainly be mature and responsible enough to do this for himself, shouldn't he?

To stress what others have said, YOU cannot get him sober. There is only one person who can make that decision, and it sounds like he's a little shaky regarding that commitment, to say the least. You may not be afraid to do whatever you have to do to make your relationship work, but I can tell you, if only one person is trying to make the relationship work, it's going to be a long, lonely, painful and ultimately fruitless struggle.

You should absolutely avail yourself of Alanon; you will both need and want real-world support during the time ahead of you.