Breezie

Respect (or disrespect) seems to be a common theme in codependent/addict relationships. I want to feel respected, and I also want to treat my husband with respect. I have also found myself stumbling over my words when I try to describe what it really means to me.

For me, I try to show my husband respect by: allowing him to succeed or fail on his own. Not trying to control his behaviors, thoughts or feelings. Agreeing to disagree. Compromise. Not relying on him to make me feel better. Not blaming. Accepting my part and character defects. Honesty. Controlling my reactions and anger. My tone of voice. My body language.

What I feel I need to feel respected: validation of my feelings (right or wrong, just dont want to be told I'm crazy for feeling that way). Acting the same way if I am standing there or not. Thinking of my feelings before taking action. Holding my feelings in a higher regard than joe schmo's. Honesty. Not keeping secrets. Discussion without anger, blame, or threats.

What does respect or disrespect mean to you? Sometimes I feel like what I feel I need is too much. Sometimes those things don't feel like enough. I just know I often feel disrespected, but it is hard for me to get in my head why I'm feeling that way. Actually writing them out sure helped a lot tho, and hearing from others will too

Vandermast

the way you describe it seems like you are putting heaps of effort in and that is awesome

v

Seren

For my definition, I think you are pretty much spot on! Thank you, Breezie!

fluffyflea

I've found I get respect when I respect myself. It's important to respect ourselves as well as others.

SparkleKitty

This bears repeating in my opinion, I think it is spot on. My XABF had no respect for himself (despite being self centered and arrogant), and it took me time to understand that until he did, he could not respect me the way I wanted to be respected.

Your expectations for respect are not unreasonable. But they might be too much to expect from him, right now.

lizatola

I like this but would love to hear other people's definition of what that means to them. I am working on loving and respecting myself and that means setting up boundaries, most of which are unspoken but they are there to protect myself and that is one way I can respect myself. Letting go of fear of someone else's retaliation is one way I can also respect myself because it's putting my own needs first instead of someone's anger, etc.

I think Breezie was spot on when it comes to what respect is. It's allowing another person to be who they are without condemnation, harsh criticisms that are meant to hurt the other person(some criticism is helpful if it's delivered properly with the right intent), without telling them how they feel or how they think or how they should act. It's respecting a person's thoughts, behaviors, attitudes, etc and being willing to disagree understanding that not everyone thinks the same as you do and that that's OK.

mattmathews

I really like the phrase: "You can't give what you don't have." I've recently been reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" and the author talks about how hugely important it is for us to be able to love ourselves. Until we learn to do that, we can't truly love others.
I would think that respect works the same way. Until we respect ourselves...fully and completely, we don't really respect others. More importantly (it seems to me), we're always going to be disappointed when we're looking to others as our source of love and respect.
My favorite slogan is "What other people think about me is none of my business." We think that what other people think about us is a reflection of how we are. It's not...it's a reflection of how they are.

Breezie

Thanks so much for your replies!

Earthworm, so right on! This applies to me so much and is so important to remember. I don't fully respect myself, I can trick myself into thinking that, but if I truly did, I wouldn't be questioning my sanity, I would be standing firm in my beliefs.

Sparklekitty, you are also right in that it can appear he has respect for himself, but it is really more ego looking like respect. Makes so much sense!

Liz, yes, standing firm in boundaries, letting go of fear and putting myself first, all things I need to do to respect myself.

Matt, I am reading that book too (it's so great!) and you too are spot on. Respect does work the same as love. I hadn't thought of it that way.

So much to think about. Thanks all! When I wrote my post I was thinking respect is one of those buzz words, it really helps me to have clear thinking when it is defined

JustAGirl1971

Great thread! In my family of origin, boundaries did not exist. On the rare occasion that one of us attempted to set a boundary, the rest of us would quickly trample the boundary and convince the person that it wasn't really necessary. As a result, I grew up really not understanding what it means to respect or be respected. This has been a huge issue in our marriage.

I have to agree with Matt. I think I find it so hard to respect others because I don't respect myself. I'm working on it.

Thank you, Breezie for posting this.

honeypig

This goes in my "Wisdom of SR" folder on the computer.

Thanks to the OP for starting this thread, to all who have posted thus far, and to all who will come on in the future with more wisdom and inspiration for us!

Ifnotforgrace

For Me Respect Is like Trust..It is earned not given.

Respect = a form of admiration, It means I hold you in High Esteem, this would be due to

abilities, qualities, or achievements. At minimum you would have to be dependable,

trustworthy and make some contribution to society.

You have to meet certain criterion in order to have my respect, I feel I should also meet the same criteria to have yours.

I have found that I love people who do not meet this criteria, I can have compassion and empathy..but respect..Respect is special..as it should be.