glitterdeva

Hello, guys. Well, I am going to vent and I am very sorry about it Christmas in my house went very well, AH was sober, everything went well. We went to my MIL and had fun. She gave us $100 as a present. Haha. AH promptly stole the money and next day came home from work visibly high. I knew. Thank you to my meetings and al-anon literature, I did not react. I let him know that I knew, but I did not react. I am on Step 1, I realize that I cannot do chit about his addiction. One day i want to be able to get to the point where I can make my move without hesitation or regret. I am not there yet. Next day AH was again visibly f-uped. Anyway, we had a trip planned to see my family who do not talk to me (well, hardly ever). It was planned and AH talked to his sponsor, seemed ok. He went to work at 4 am, came home at 9:30 am. We packed and went out of town to see my family. On the way I found a receipt from CVS for 1cc surenge which was purchased in DC at 8 am. So AH went to get high this morning. I am in the car, away from home, driving with him.

I let go and asked for peace. I am not well, but I am getting better. It will be ok, right? One day I will be strong to leave this hell or he will get sober, right? There is another side, right?

p.s. It's funny watching him trying to act sober in front of my family. Go ahead, f-p up, I don't care.

Ann

It's hard not to react, but I admire your ability to continue with your plans regardless of how he behaves.

Keeping your recovery strong will help you keep your balance no matter how his lack of recovery shows.

Hope you have a wonderful visit with your family.

Hugs

glitterdeva

Thank you. I am praying for a resolution soon. My sponsor's mom is not well, I feel bad calling her. Really need her though

ddincrisis

Thinking of you!

glitterdeva

I have been paralyzed by all of this today. I had a realization - he truly has lost himself in this addiction. It has taken him over, he has no pity for me, my children, his family, nobody. The goal is to get high, Heroin is IT - all eyes on the prize. It's in front of him, so he makes very CALCULATED steps, like 60 steps ahead to set everything around him in such a way so that nobody a) suspects and b) can prevent him from it. I am sad to say that my AH is a lost cause.

We had Christmas dinner at his mothers. It was wonderful, he looked healthy, had 30 days clean. His whole family was there. He was drinking beer though. He actually started drinking couple of weeks ago, claiming that couple of beers would not hurt because he is a heroin addict and well, beer is not his issue. Anyway, I see it now very clearly. As we were having this wonderful time, he was calculating how he is gonna use next morning. I hardly ever keep cash, so had to have calculated when I left for the bathroom, stole $100, left for work at 4 am, went to get high around 8 am, went to a MEETING with me at 12 pm and continued with his life for the next 3 days, until I busted him. During this time, we opened Christmas presents, he was there when girls were opening their presents, high as chit. I am so mad about that. He LOVES his heroin, its his life, his everything. Nothing compares to it, it is a HOLY GRAIL.

Yesterday was hard. He was nodding and looked horrible. I wanted to puke. This morning he woke up, took his sub, and look at him, he is all better and WHY am I tripping again, he SAID he will not do it anymore, WHAT is my problem? We left this morning from my family's. I am embrassed beyond anything.

So this brings me to this. I know I am not well, and maybe irrational. Those of you who have left their partners, I am hoping to get an advice. I have drafted a plan in my head. I am going to leave him. I have to because living together is not helping him to get sober. He basically does heroin on and off, off an on, with suboxone in between. He can't stay sober for more then a month. He goes to meetings and has a sponsor so it looks like he is doing his recovery, but in reality...well, its not working. SO. I think the best thing for him is a sober house. There is one by his job. He now has a car (thank you to me, the biggest enabler in this world, he now has a car that is bought with a loan on my name!!! Yes, this girl right here bought a heroin addict a car!!!!). Anyway, he has a car, he has a doctor, he has a job. He can live in a sober house, where they do **** tests, etc. I am thinking a year? If he makes it, he makes it, if he doesn't, he gets kicked out and not allowed to come back home. This way I will get an opportunity to live without him, work on my recovery program (I am working the steps in Al-anon) and have an opportunity to put things into perspective. He will have an opportunity as well, whatever it is in the sober house.

Well, of course it is not that easy. Financially will be hard for me. I am not sure if I can make bills. I would have to rely on him to still pay for his car/insurance at least while he is away. If he doesn't, I will be in a bunch of financial problems, will lose that car, I don't know, I will be f-d for a while. Relaying on a heroin addict in managing one's finances is insane, so I cannot do that. So now what? I am thinking of having him sign an agreement ( I have a separation agreement already, haven't given it to him, he knows I got it) - where it would say something like husband will keep a car, but if he fails to make payments, wife can sell it, etc. I can include anything in it. Sorry for so long, I am just trying to put together a plan and go for it.

If I envision it, and make steps towards it, no matter what, it will happen, right? I mean, I can't have financial problems/fears prevent me from being happy and free from this hell? Or do I have to be mindful and smart and..Honestly, I am not a smart person, I am very emotional, I act first and then think. Al-anon helps alot, I feel more grounded and together.

Oh, he, of course, asked for another chance. Like, the REASON he got high for 3 days straight is because his mind was clouded by drinking. So, he will not longer drink. There, problem solved. BUT, if he gets high one more time, he will leave right away no questions asked. Yeah, right. One exception though. NY is coming, so he is going to have just couple of beers. No biggie, right?

Sorry again for this long rant. I am truly unhappy, this is the WORST relationship of my life, I have NEVER been so depressed, paranoid, anxious, crazy and unhappy in my 38 years of existence.

overit263

Sell his car. Or at least have him sign over the title to you if you can so you can sell it. Is the title in your name or his? I had to sell my AXH's and it cut costs, still paying for other things. He's in another state and it was really horrible for a little while, divorce is not finalized yet, and we are on speaking terms for now. Says he's going to help etc. I'll believe it when I see it. I told him if he was truly sorry and remorseful for all he's done he will replace everything he's ever taken from me etc. etc. etc.

It's a long process, ups and downs emotionally. I had to pick up extra work to make ends meet, but it's well worth it to be out of the chaos.

Consult a family lawyer and see what your options are. My biggest concern was mine OD-ing and me being left with all sorts of debt that he had accumulated. Since I probably don't even know about the half of it anyway. You can do this. It's not easy, I'm not going to lie, but you feel much better being out of the craziness. I'm at the point now that I don't want to hang on to any animosity towards mine because life is too short and it doesn't do me any good. You will get there too.

glitterdeva

Well, the car business is a total mess. It is owned by the bank, as I got a loan on my name. My name is on the registration and the loan, not his. BUT. We have another car, it has a loan on both of our names and registration is also on both of our names. Since neither of the cars are payed of, I don't have a title on either one of them, title is send after cars are payed off. There is like a 5 and 6 year loan on both of these cars. I am going to be screwed no matter what. So I was thinking to protect myself by having him sign my agreement which would state that husband gets to keep car A (the one he drives) AS LONG AS he makes payments on it. If he misses a payment, I get to sell this car. Yes, I will lose $, but at least would get to keep my sanity.

Separation agreement states that his debt is his debt and my debt is mine debt. So whatever his debt is is not my responsibility. I am going to see a family lawyer again and discuss this. I am just so out of it and also out of money

overit263

Are there any other things that you can sell as well? I sold and sell everything that I can until my situation changes/improves. The car thing is very stressful, my situation was very similar. Fortunately he signed the paperwork, which took some time but it did happen. Fortunately for now mine is remorseful. That doesn't always last with them though.

KeepinItReal

I think living away from my AH was the best decision for me. I'm waiting for him to get into a long term program.. .. he has relapsed twice in the last month and a half of him being home.
I'm thankful hes of the subs. I really believe it makes it worse. ... being able to use when they choose and not be sick.
After what I have been through I refuse to live with someone who is getting high. I respect subs work for many but for chronic relapsers like my husband and yours.... it makes it worse.
Stop believing anything he says. You are right! Its all about the dope until.... they are done. It doesn't sound like hes done.

glitterdeva

Nop, nothing else I can sell really. I am hoping he will sign (he says he will). The house is on my name and I am not planning on losing it, not yet I am thinking that worst case - if he doesn't pay, bank will reposes it? Or I don't know, I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I do also have an 'evil' side plan. Uggh...Have to protect myself and my kids

glitterdeva

Exactly!!!! He doesn't even get sick that much anymore - pop a sub and its all good. AH cannot get of sub and really, it is not my problem. I am tired of all of this, this insanity, this hell. I cannot stand him. His little yes, his mouth, his lies, the way he goes to the bathroom. I can't.

KeepinItReal

It's two years of broken promises. I believe you really thought this time would be different. You have to forgive yourself for being trusting, loving and hopeful. Does that sound crazy or what??? It's really a nutty sick ride we ride.
Those qualities you have are great... however they get exploited by the addict. I believe addicts are narcissists while in active addiction. Sadly... suboxin is considered a narcotic. I have done so much research on the subject. Trying to save/help my husband.
Going through all this I have placed boundaries that work for me. I made him leave the house when I saw that he was visibly high. This was not to punish him... this was to let myself not argue or be angry with the sight of him in my space. So I could go to work and know my home was safe. The next day... he was not high and I wasn't going to let him come home, but his mom made a good point. Her house wasn't safe due to his sister being a heroin user and living there. Because he wasn't high .. I let him home. He then didnt use again until Dec. 23rd. His sister admitted to offering it and giving it to him. His parents flipped. I allowed him home that night but confronted the situation with ZERO anger. I am proud of myself for that. He has not looked high since that night and has been accountable. He is also 100% going to a 14 month in patient program... so i'm waiting for entry. It will be around the end of January. It's $500 for entry which i'm making him pay for. He's working right now... and can afford it on his own.
It's more than difficult not being able to trust our life partners. I know what you go through. In my life .. I know it may or may not work out. I'm giving him yet another chance.. but i'm being smart and keeping my boundaries.
One of my boundaries would be NOT sweeping the knowledge of him using under the rug. If I see him high. He's high. No anger, no yelling, just calling him out on his BS. He knows I know. If it wasn't for him going into this program... well... I just don't know.
I'm a work in progress. So are we all. Good luck!!

dane5679

Amazing how we had almost identical holidays. Merry Christmas, huh? hope things get better for you. I find that I am almost cried out at this point. Must be hitting my breaking point. Either I'm starting to not care what the h he does, am numb, or just fed up.

anxiouswife

AMEN. My Husband's drug of choice is benzos or Percocet....and he, too, was nodding out at Christmas dinner. Merry Christmas to us. I have the separation papers in hand - this is our 3rd go round with getting clean & then getting high again. I am not sure how people do this for years and years. I start questioning my own sanity! Good luck to you. You're not alone.

hopeful4

Sell the car. If he is an H addict and your name is on it you have a liability. If he would wreck you could be sued. Pray it gets repoed if you have to. It will hurt your credit but not nearly as much as if you would be sued if he hurts someone else. Believe me, they find out who has the insurance and any assets and that is where they go. I work in the insurance industry and just want to bring this up so you know you are exposing yourself in that way.

You know what, anything you have to do will be worth it. H is the hardest drug to beat. You have to want it so badly and be willing to do anything to beat it. This man immediately stole from you. Forget the H, do you want someone who will rob you blind every time you have a dollar? Nope.

So what if he screws up his own finances. Too bad. Let him figure out where he is going to live. You will have to make sacrafices but not nearly as much as if you stay with an H addict for the rest of your life. You like the idea of sober living house because they will test him. You are setting yourself up as he has to want this and if he were to come to your home you should not have to test him any longer. I hope you are keeping the receipts and making a journal of any activity if there are any children involved that you may have to fight for.

Get everything in your own name, open new accounts if you have to. Get all of your paperwork together so you have it, including knowing his social security number if you do not already. Protect yourself financially, mentally and physically.

Hugs. I am sorry you are going through this. Keep posting you are not alone. And next time you visit your family...don't take him!

glitterdeva

I am so scared of this. He has never been in a car wreck (I hope he never will), but of course it is totally possible. We both are on the car insurance, does it matter? Will they go after me if I have a separation agreement that states that all his debts are his and all my debts are mine? It's like a 20 page separation agreement. The only thing that is on his name is our joint car, that's it, everything else is on my name. I make more money, much more and he can't get to it. I have my own account, all his paychecks go to our joint account, where I do not keep any of my $. I don't trust him with money.

I really messed up with the whole car business. I don't think I was in a right state of mind, I look back at it now and think - WHY?? He could have bought the car in cash, an old car, you know?

Thank God we do not have any children together and he really has zero room to fight me in court. He will never make it to court.

The idea of the sober house came to me because it would be an 'easy' move. Easy in a way that - ok, you got to leave, I cannot physically take this any longer. I know you are not capable of getting your own place - there, there right there is a place for you. $600 or whatever and you get to live with other addicts like you, do the steps, program, meds whatever. All the stuff that I do not understand. One of his AA buddies (who he hardly talks to, well, for obvious reasons), lives in a sober house and is doing very well. AH was talking about it before, so that is why I brought it up. It would be an 'easy' transition.

Well, nothing is easy. I started taking anti-anxiety medication, benzo basically in a low doses every night for the horrible anxiety that I am experiencing every single day. My doc said that it can be addictive, but honestly, I need it . I have been calm and that debilitating pain inside, this hole inside is not hurting as much. Today I went to the gym for the first time in weeks and felt great!! I felt strong and happy and healthy. I deadlifted 2 plates and did pullups and...I thought, wow. I want my life back - I want to be around healthy people, I want someone to workout with (my AH is fit, he works in a health industry and you will never in a million years believe he does dope). We used to workout together, he trained me and it was so much fun! Since summer he has been like a vegetable, like this sick person who is always, always sick, dying, always bringing me down, mentally and physically. I want a partner, not a patient. This is what it is - its a mental ward with two people in it me and him, it is a nut house!!!!!

I prayed today for God's way - I asked to turn all the bad things into good things. Whatever it might be. I thought about New Years tomorrow and decided not to put my kids through drama. I bought a nice cake from a nice bakery and will order Chinese food and watch movies with my kids all evening long. We will have fun. And AH can suck it, really. He can lay in bed, feeling sick with a sour face. I will pray for serenity tomorrow to not pay attention to him.

P.S. I can't sell the car because our other car is in both of our names (the loan I mean). So one car one way or another is his. In my state we have equatable distribution. But. I did put a clause in the separation agreement today that states IF husband doesn't pay, wife can take the car and sell it.

glitterdeva

I am trying to get to that point of serenity. I just started taking anti-anxiety meds, can't do it alone right now

allthatsgood

Glitter- I just read through your post. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Heroin is the devil - destroying lives and families. I've seen what it has done to my son. I will pray for your serenity.

glitterdeva

Just found out that my state is not one of the 10 community property states in the US. Does it mean that in case of accident they can't go after my assets?

overit263

I'm not sure, my state is a 50/50 state, that's why I got rid of the car as soon as possible since the title was in both our names, but the loan was only in my name. I would consult a lawyer to find out- but I would think, and I might be wrong that if your name is on it at all you might be responsible, or someone could still try to sue you if he were to cause an accident. I would talk to him and see if he will just sign the whole thing over to you and get his name off so you can just sell it. If he wants a car, he can do it himself and leave you out of it. You just don't know if someone in an accident would go after you anyway. Better to protect yourself fully.