stockholm

Hello I was friends with an alcoholic. She is from another country. Circumstances meant I met her parents when they came to visit her. I was struck by how frankly her Dad talked about her alcohol issue when she went our for a smoke break. Her mother went with her. I said as best I could I would keep tabs on his daughter. I put him in the picture a short while back. She found out cause her mother had access to the father's fb a/c or email not sure which. All broke loose. She confronted me wanting me to retract what I told her Dad. I refused friendship ended. Just to add we were due to go for dinner a couple of days earlier but she cancelled when I refused to buy her drink. Told her ahead of time via text.
She has had "friends" drop me on FB. She has stirred the pot in pretty much every way imaginable. I havent responded. Her Dad thanked me for my efforts to help the girl and for my concern.
Do I need to cut off from everybody that she could influence? Will she keep the vendetta up. Should I respond? All advice welcomed.

MissFixit

hi

i think you probably meant well by talking to her father. but, i think it is best to stay out of her family dynamics. there are boundaries that we don't cross with others and she obviously feels you crossed into territory you should not have. it is her family, not yours. even if you meant to help her, it is kind of meddling in her business. i am sorry because this is probably not what you wanted to hear.

one thing about alcoholics is that they must help themselves. and we need to stay out of their way so they can choose to do that or not.

i would have been furious that a friend was talking with my father about me behind my back.

stockholm

I respect your opinion but I was asked to. The person who asked me is sober and sane. She threw a hissy at dinner when her Dad refused to buy her more alcohol. Her Dad had to admonish her as though she was a child. He viewed me as someone to look out for her. By his own admission she was lying through her teeth to him writing him off as being mentally unstable etc.
I was absolutely brilliant to her and she viewed me as a brother albeit in the non blood sense obviously.
There is no excuse for her behaviour. She is unwell both from a visual level and from the point of view of chronic alcohol dependency. She is an adult in the legal sense but child like in most others with a warped sense of reality. I make no apologies for what I did and had her best interests at heart.

MissFixit

ok. no i would not respond to an active alcoholic who is campaigning against you or trying to harm you in any way. she is or was just a friend, so i would keep distance if you dont like her behavior. keeping tabs on an adult is probably not a good idea, even if you have good intentions. they are adults and have the right to make whatever choices they choose, even drinking too much. it is not for you (her friend) or her father to keep tabs on her or admonish her.

we cannot control alcoholics even from themselves.

you dont need to make any apologies, but you might want to take a look at why you felt the need to intervene in someone else's family dynamic, even with good intentions.

Hawkeye13

Hi stockholm;
I think any adult who is childlike in most areas is going to behave in an unpredictable and illogical way viewed though our "adult fairness" lens, especially if they are alcoholics.

So my best suggestion is to stay out of her way and let her find her own recovery.
You had good intentions, but obviously, she is not ready to stop yet.

MissFixit also makes a good point. Family stuff is explosive and you may have triggered something you don't know about.

Perhaps she is identifying you with her father / authority figure in that you are "telling" her you won't buy alcohol, "disciplining" her by telling her father about her drinking, etc. and if she is treated as childlike by others around her, this may be a major anger trigger for her.

You can't force someone to not drink, nor to grow up. Peter Pan syndrome, anybody?
Take care and I hope you don't feel too badly for trying to help.

stockholm

Thanks for the replies guys. I understand the family dynamics angle ye are both putting forward. Her father was so politely forward about her drinking and I felt that she was ridiculing him by lying through her teeth to him and writing him off loopy that if wanted me to keep an eye on her then I should. He is a decent man.
Yes she is an adult and yes she is entitled to make adult choices. Yes she will stop when she wants to. But equally alcoholics lash out at anyone who threatens there drinking or threatens to expose there life for the charade it is.
Ultimately running a mile from her was the best thing for me. I found engaging with her emotionally draining. I am gradually disconnecting from those who appear to have loyalties to her as she will use these people to hurt me unfortunately.
I understand though it is the alcohol that drives and motivates pretty much all her actions. I can see good in her but sadly it is buried by the alcohol. I no longer feel pity for her. I guess that's why I found the strength to disconnect from her.
Why did I intervene to the extent I did. Well she was a long way from home with few friends, none of any real moral quality. Indeed over time her circle of friends has diminished. In helping her I can see now that I was inadvertedly enabling her which was wrong. But in fairness this whole scenario was completely new to me. I'm completely comfortable with the reality that there is only one person who can turn the corner and that is the girl herself. She has to want to do it and she is outworld oblivious to the fact that her alcohol intake is excessive.
Whenever I'm tempted to lash out at her over her current behaviour I remimd myself who has the better life. So far this is working. Fingers crossed!