Inkling

Hi,

After lurking around this forum off and on for a while, I've finally signed up. I am in a relationship and live with a 30 year old alcoholic man. He's lost pretty much everything in his life because of drinking. He lost his job about 2 months ago and finally went to Addaction. Unfortunately Addaction doesn't get them off the drink right away, so I am still enduring his drink binges every week or so. It's very likely they will put him through rehab, so here's hoping.

I am a serious co-dependent. I've realized that now. I think I always was, even with non drunks, but I'm worse now than ever. This is probably from being raised with a seriously mentally ill parent and being bullied a lot as a kid. I need to learn to stop.

My boyfriend has never physically hurt me, but he can be horribly abusive verbally and incredibly selfish. He tortures me with words describing me as useless and saying that I f*ck up all the time and he will repeat himself and go on forever. He has on one occasion had me watch while he cut himself then threatened to kill us both (it wasn't a serious attempt, he was doing it to torment me). It's hard for me to leave the flat because I have nowhere to go, and I'm worried he will smash the place up, or something might happen to my cat. If I pluck up the courage to leave the flat, he comes after me. I can try very hard not to engage him in an argument by agreeing with whatever he says or saying nothing, but he will keep on and on. Even though it only gets really bad occasionally, it has ground me down.

I am a Canadian living in the UK. I came here for work. I am very isolated. I have only a couple of acquaintances.

I am so full of resentment towards him. I don't even know if I want to be with him if he manages to recover because I don't doubt he will relapse, yet I can't seem to make myself leave. Obviously money comes in to play when thinking about leaving too. He is a decent man when sober (I guess everyone says that sort of thing).

I have recently started anti-depressants and cognitive behavioral therapy, which I only get 6 sessions of unfortunately and I think I need 600.

EternalQ

Inkling
First congratulations on joining SR! You've taken a terrific step doing that. The people here and the 24/7 support do wonders to encourage hope and self esteem.
Sounds like those were good steps you took with the therapy and meds also.

These things take time. In baby steps. But if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will be amazed at your progress.

Feel proud of the steps you've taken so far!
Congratulations!

Inkling

Thank you. I hope I can find my way out of this dark place I'm in.

EternalQ

You've taken good first steps. In my experience sometimes we only get enough light to see where to take the next right step. That way we don't get too overwhelmed and confused.