Blueskies25

I know this probably sounds illogocal but after three weeks of me putting AH out (initially I asked him to recover and come back to us but lots came out and I started divorce proceedings with a shattered heart) he declared himself in another new relationship ("she's very like you" he has told me three times!) and now tells me via text that he is sober and is on antabuse. I am gutted that I was not worth this effort but she is! He was texting fairly often with nonsense and demands for cash etc but this has not happened for a few days so am assuming he is sober - I don't miss the texts though - I haven't answered them or spoken to him for 7 weeks other than on Xmas day when he shouted at me as said he had arranged to call the children, he hadnt and we were away, he said I should be at home to take calls (!?). He is starting access visits to the children at a supported family centre in January. I am terrified of having to hand them over outwith this centre. They are 2 and 6. He insists on intro new gf straight away. How certain will sobriety be on antabuse? Why was I not worth it and she is? Am truly gutted, but in my heart I know that he is not the same man I married. He is now jobless, homeless (he is allowed to move in with new gf and her children when he no longer drinks apparently). At what point do I have to let my children do overnights? New GF drifts around our area saying I am cause of drink as apparently he was unhappy. He has been gone 4 months today and I am so miserable with the continued chaos. As I've said prev, my children continue to blossom and we have fun together but once I am sitting alone I tend to just feel blue about it all and panic about the children being unsafe with him. he left the eldest alone in the house, drunk driving (no proof of that), didnt feed her, told her to mnd her own business when she questioned alcohol purchase during the school holidays ecery day whilst i was at work. ( he has been sacked and is on bens). Sorry, just offloading. Am getting counselling from local addiction charity too. It's just overwhelming.

suki44883

If it makes you feel any better, chances are very good that his sobriety won't last. Getting sober for someone else rarely works. We have to do it for ourselves.

He is an ex. So, stop keeping up with him and whatever is going on with him. Block all communication except that absolutely necessary regarding the children. Tell him you have to go if he starts talking about anything else. Tell friends not to report to you anything they hear. The less you know about what he's doing, the better.

firebolt

Oh I'm so sorry. That must be very painful. It is not that she is worth it and you werent...Please don't let the facade convince you of that. The cracks will begin to show soon enough...And even if they don't, BECAUSE of leaving him, you will one day be in a very peaceful happy comfy place where you either hope the best for him, his life and his recovery. ..or he will just be long gone from your life. Either way your future is far better than it was 4 months ago. Btw....If he quit drinking 'for her' then he won't be quit for long. (((Hugs))))

Blueskies25

God though, I still miss who he was so much some days and still ocassionally want to call him and ask him to come home. I wouldn't as I am better than I was and am hoping it will continue to slowly get better. He only texts as says he finds talking too stressful and I gave up texting back 7 weeks ago when I told him I would no longer absorb chaos or blame. All the info I have is stuff he has texted, we pretty much have no mutual contacts. The one or two we do have, I pointedly don't discuss him with them to avoid more dodgy info but you are right, he will soon be my ex. His divorce demands are crazy ie access to the dog but I am slightly hopeful in sobriety that he will calm down? Anatabuse is a surefire route to sobriety I think?

Blueskies25

I know I must sound like a right cow - when I first out him out I wished so hard for his sobriety but now I just wish he would leave me alone. He did so many horrid things that I don't feel I could ever reconnect with him on anything more than a facade of politeness for the children's sake. He was such a gentle soul before but is now bitter and angry.

suki44883

It keeps him from drinking until he decides not to take it anymore, or to take a few days off and get ripped and then start again. That's not sobriety or recovery, it's just not drinking. There is SO much more to recovery than just not drinking.

It's important that you realize his drinking has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause him to drink. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Stung

I'm so sorry you're going through this. In regards to Antabuse, my sister in law takes it and still drinks lots of wine, so no, I don't think it's a direct path to sobriety but more like to take the edge off of the urge to drink.

suki44883

I'm pretty sure anyone who drinks while taking Antabuse will have a violently ill reaction. That's the whole point of taking it. Perhaps your sister-in-law in fibbing a bit about taking it?

The Antabuse Reaction

It takes one drink to produce a reaction. It takes one bottle of beer, one glass of wine, or one shot of liquor to become sick.

The normal sequence of the Antabuse reaction is:

Flushing of the face
Headache
Low blood pressure
Racing heart
Dizziness
Nausea and vomiting

If you have one drink, you will vomit about as much as if you had food poisoning.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like he is not drinking as much to have access to GF's house as anything.

I doubt it will last.

Advice given to not listen or have anything beyond minimum necessary contact is very good. Give it some time. I have a strong feeling he isn't done drinking at all yet.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself and your children and enjoy your hard-won peace.

Stung

Suki, I only know that she has an RX for it from when I made AH stay at his parents house a few months ago, she happened to be there at the same time and had her RX on the kitchen counter. AH texted me to let me know that his sister must have a serious problem if she has an RX for drinking.

But she stills gets drunk and makes drunk dials so maybe she was only taking it at their parent's house to keep up appearances. Wouldn't surprise me one bit!

suki44883

Yep, Stung. I'd be willing to bet that what's going on. Antabuse is specifically designed to cause a person to become violently ill if they drink while taking it. In fact, I believe a person must wait 36 hours or so after their last dose to be able to drink safely.

littlefish

No, antabuse is not a sure fire guarantee of sobriety. Absolutely not. It is not really all that successful, which is exactly why it is does not have the reputation of being a miracle drug.
If anyone says they are taking antabuse and then drinks without any problems, they are not taking antabuse. They are not taking the pill because even with small doses of antabuse, drinking will cause a severe reaction.
It's far too early to call his status sober. He will have to stop taking the antabuse to experience real sobriety, and that is usually the medical use of antabuse: it's used at the beginning of a sober treatment program, with the intent to drop the use of antabuse when the patient shows success with a recovery program.
The hurtful and manipulative behavior being shown by your ex doesn't sound like recovery to me.

also, I don't know how it is in your part of the world, but antabuse isn't given to patients where i live as a prescription drug. It is dosed out pill for pill under close medical observation in outpatient clinics. Patients do not carry the bottle of pills home. I had to blow into a breathalyzer before I was given antabuse.

JenT1968

well, I've seen someone take antabuse and drink alot before they were sick, however once they were, they vomited until their gullet bled and then drank more. reactions to any drug are biologically diverse.

however, on everything he says - consider the source. He says he has a new gf, he says he is sober:, has he said things that are not true before? does any of what he says invalidate your lived experience?

think of it this way - he didn't get sober for his kids - does that mean that they are not wonderful shining lights deserving of more? no - it reflects entirely on HIM, not them, similarly his choice not to choose sobriety during your relationship says nothing about your worth, it says everything about him, and the disease he is gripped by.

and as for his new gf, she probably has a rocky ride ahead, be glad you are not her, choosing to be in a relationship with someone newly separated who she knows has an alcohol problem, but is seeking outside excuses for.

I don't envy her.

in practical terms try and get a solicitor who knows something about addiction - it's difficult, but even very green lawyers get wise to addicted ex's, they don't act like normal ex's, and that becomes very apparent. Also try women's aid (google for scottish contacts) and see if they can put you in touch with someone, even if they can't you'll get valuable support there.

lastly - hold your nerve - you are a strong woman, you have extricated yourself from a situation that many people cannot understand the chaos of, and that takes guts. Even if you don't feel strong, you are, and that strength will get you through, however impossible and scary it seems: one foot in front of the other. my ex made a lot of threats - legal and otherwise and I had to marshal support from many sources, and let go of some people who were invested in not seeing reality to help me make sure I was making good decisions about our children.

pm me if you need x

involved

Sounds like a situation I know of...useing the new gf as a ego booste/rebound/distraction/place to land while flaunting what you let go of...manipulation! Maybe he is sober on the antibuse (which I know nothing about) but he isnt any ways near recovery...these are his games and i get the gut feeling he is trying to engage (manipulate) you. The oldest trick in the book...you put him out for your reasons. Take care of you and your kids. And dont let his junk beat you down! More will be revealed

iamthird

I know it hurts. I went through something similar. Everything seems peachy and perfect with the new gf, but I promise you...it is not. We like to romanticize their new relationships like they are healthy but they are not. If he was truly in healthy recovery, he would not be jumping into something new so quickly.

I went through exactly what youre going through and eventually the ugliness shows itself down the road. Dont let them fool you. Just keep doing "you" and be relieved you are no longer a player in the game anymore.

cynical one

The only proof that you have that he has quit drinking are his words?

At what point do I have to let my children do overnights?
Only when a judge orders you to do so...after a long drawn-out court battle where your lawyer presents every shred of evidence that the children are not safe with him.

Edited to add:
I've been doing this Anon stuff since 1999, never once in the past going on 15 years have I ever seen an addict or drunk clean up for the next one in line. Anyone can be on their good behavior for a short time during the reeling-in period...aka pretend guy. The new gal will see real guy soon enough.

Lewis73

its horrible...my AW spent only 1 month sober in the last 2 years....and that was after I moved out to give her space and she promptly hooked up with a bloke 10 years younger than her she met in a club a few weeks earlier!!!!

Now she is on her way out (20th Jan) my "fear" is that, once again, she'll sober up and move on easily...as though it was really just me that held her back.

so i know the feeling....they spend so long telling you that you are the cause its hard not to feel it might be true when they pull out all the stops for someone new.

Having said all that - i have no advice for you just my sympathy. It's easy to sit here and say "just ignore him and get on with making your life better"....I hope its not as hard to do as I fear it may be.

Hammer

Have seen that, as well. Guy on Antabuse. Cleaning out our contractor shop. Found a BIG souvenir bottle of Tequila with a worm, from a project we did in Mexico. He downed the whole thing. You know the rest.

Antabuse is generally considered to be part of "Aversion" therapy, where the A is forced to run away from something bad. Aversion may include stinky sheets to sleep in, and other distasteful situation.

Tends to consider A-dom as sort of just a bad habit or behavior to overcome.

TOTALLY misses if there is a real underlying problem . . . and there often is.

Rough part of it is that it does not focus on "going" to a good place, but rather just finding the present place (drunk) as untenable.

================

Which brings us back to the OP. When you figure out a good/better place to go with your life, you will not likely long for a "way things never were" past.

So where do you want to go? Who, what, where would you rather be?

changeschoices

Most likely scenario: he is "sober" because 1) he's trying to prove to the new GF how awesome she is and how much he loves her and by golly, she means so much to him that he can quit drinking on the power of her love alone (translation: he needs a place to stay) and 2) he's trying to prove to you that you made him drink because you're a nag and a burden to him and now that you're out of his life, he can finally!!!! get sober (translation: he's ashamed that he's an out-of-control alcoholic so he's blaming it on you).

Honey, I was number three in a string of GFs since my ex became an alcoholic about 8 years ago. He left all three of us to drink himself into the ground. Of course, with each one of us, he initially "loved" us and was inspired to get clean and sober and completely turn his life around. In the end, he blamed us all and dumped us and his alcoholism has only gotten worse over the years. He's dating again, and instead of feeling jealous, I feel relieved that he's out of my life. And I feel deeply sorry for the new woman. She has no idea that she's going to be exploring the depths of hell soon.

Look, I smoked cigarettes and you'd think that as a mother, I would love my children enough to have quit sooner. The truth about addiction is that you can't quit for another person. You have to quit for yourself, because you deeply want to quit. I love my children more than anything in the world, but it was nonetheless very hard for me to quit cigarettes. Now imagine how an alcoholic feels. Your A is not going to be sober for the love of a woman. It doesn't work that way. So make a list of all the horrible things he and his drinking have done to your life, and read it whenever you feel weak and miss him. It will get better.

changeschoices

Yeah, if I had a dollar for every time my AXBF told me he was clean and sober, I'd be a wealthy woman. Over the course of our relationship, he left me several times and every time, he'd email me and tell me how he was doing great and finally sober and blah blah blah blah blah. And every time we got back together, he'd admit that he drank even MORE when we were apart and that he'd spent all his money on booze and bars.

They will tell you anything, even the most bald-faced lies. Because they are ashamed that they can't control their drinking. And because they know it plants the seeds of doubt and insecurity in your mind, and because they know that you can't prove or disprove anything they say.