When your adult child is alcoholic

Old 12-28-2013, 12:34 PM
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When your adult child is alcoholic

Hi everyone, usually I am on here talking about XABF but today my worries are about my son. He is 26 years old, quite the party boy and can't seem to give it up. He is working in the restaurant business and couch surfing and expecting my daughter to let him crash at her place while he eats all her food and does not contribute. He lived with me for two years until I moved out in the country. He did stay here for a week or so before my land lord told me he had to leave. While he was here he took over my bedroom sleeping in my bed watching the only tv I have and eating all the food. I felt guilty for telling him he had to go and he hasn't been back since though we are on good terms for the most part. Long story short, how do you detach or help other family members detach when it's your child you are trying to detach from?! The guilt that goes with that is tremendous. I worry about him and want to help him but I want to shake some sense into him and resent him for being irresponsible! Just had to vent. He is not affecting my life so much but he is disrupting my daughters life who lives with her young son and my ex husband. She pays rent and buys food to live there. My son thinks everyone owes him something. At a loss how to handle this.
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:32 PM
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suncatcher, I know from experience that detaching from your own child is tremendously painful and usually produces feelings of great guilt in the parent.

As for your immediate question---I would suggest that you step back (detach ) from it---because it is in your Ex-husband's home. He is responsible for the handling the rules of the home--who stays; who contributes & how much, etc.

In general, I would say to you to learn as much about this disease (I assume that he is drinking very heavily--no?) as you possibly can. Knowledge is power. He is a fairly young adult---and he needs to learn the rules of adult living and responsibility----and, trust me--the universe will give him feed back on this. It is important that you resist the mother's impulse to give comfort and soften his landings. He must feel the consequences of his own actions (or inactions...LOL). Do not try to buffer his pain in this regard.

This does not mean that you don't love him. You will always love him. Don't worry if he gets mad at you or "blames" you or reacts in negative ways toward you. He will always love you--I promise. Sometimes, the maturation process is very long and drawn out. The best way for this to happen is for him to have to stand on his own two feet. He will become very resourceful if he HAS to. Don't worry if he has to live under a bridge or go to a shelter---if it ever gets that bad. That will teach him much more that sl eeping on your couch and giving you a nervous break-down ever will.

I don't know if you and your ex have a good relationship or not. It is so important for you to get some support--because is more likely a marathon than a sprint. Alanon can do that for you---isolation makes it so much worse to bear. It might help if you and your ex attended alanon together--if that is possible.

Continue to learn and talk to other parents that have gone this road. Also talk to long-recovered alcoholics---they can give you some very good advice---because they know what they are talking about.

Sometimes, that right thing for a parent to do is the hardest thing. Please post here anythime you need to. There are some others who have had to deal with their adult children, also.

sincerely,
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:39 PM
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Thank you do much dandylion! Your kind and honest words were of great comfort and guidance to me today! ((Hugs))
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:40 PM
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:44 PM
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My (now) 25 y/o daughter got her first DUI at 19. Rehab, sober living, therapy, thousands of dollars and 6 years later she is an addict. It got worse for her...and for me. Her sister detached long before I have been able to do so. I have continued to try to support my AD through money, love, time, energy, etc. etc. Her sis tried by offering her a place to stay, emotional support, etc. I, too, live in a different country than my AD. She came to visit this year, and ended up stealing, lyinging etc. and I literally threw her out. I am finally coming to accept that I have to let her fall....I have been catching her for years, to no avail. Guilt...yes...I definitely know how that feels....but now I am coming to realize how she uses that to manipulate me. I have found these forums to be very helpful in coming to terms with my own issues as well as learning to cope with my AD. Despite my fears, worries, "help" and in spite of all of it...she is who she is and it is her life...her choices...and her consequences. My oldest daughter recently told me that she had seen a therapist who asked her, "Are you addicted to your sister's addiction?" Wow...outta the mouths of babes....as she said this to me I was shocked at how perceptive she had become....she was done. Now, I am learning to follow her lead.
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Old 12-28-2013, 03:44 PM
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My stepson has been in the hospital twice detoxing, in patient rehab once, out patient once, jail, prison, homeless shelters, he has even threatened to kill family members who finally stopped enabling him. Once all of his enablers stopped giving him money, stopped letting him crash at their place, stopped taking care of the consequences of his actions, he finally began to learn how to deal with life on his own. It has been a long and painful process, but he is learning, and growing, and doing better overall in spite of setbacks.
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Old 12-28-2013, 05:09 PM
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Thank you so much for your responses. It is heartbreaking to watch your children make poor life choices but you have to let them fall as trudgingagain said. I pray for his safety and that he finds his way. I think I will direct him here too. He may find out who suncatcher is if he reads what I post here but maybe that would be a wake up call for him too. Thanks again, everyone and wishing all of you peace and gentle hugs.
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Old 12-28-2013, 06:58 PM
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I have been involved in the drama of my 28 year old son's life for the past 10 years. It is definitely a process to free ourselves from their drama and the guilt associated with the life they chose, but blame you for. My daughter has her boundaries in place when it comes to dealing with him. Smart girl. I've learned a thing or two from her. When there are firm boundaries established the addict gives up and moves on to someone else to fill their needs. He doesn't bother her anymore.

I began to educate myself about addiction 3 years ago. After a miserable holiday (AH related) last year I committed myself to attending Al-Anon regularly in addition to reading daily here on SR. It has changed my life. His attempts to manipulate me and to make me feel guilty are not working for him like they did in the past.

I can't say I am 100% past the guilt, but I have more peace than I've ever had concerning him. This quote has helped me put things into perspective when I begin to feel the burden of his poor choices.

"Our background and circumstances may influence who we are, but we are responsible for who we become".

I would encourage your daughter to educate herself about boundaries. Al-Anon is a great place. Her priority should be her young son and without healthy boundaries set in place for her brother she could end up on the never ending merry go round. Best of luck to your family.
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Old 12-28-2013, 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted by suncatcher View Post
Hi everyone, usually I am on here talking about XABF but today my worries are about my son. He is 26 years old, quite the party boy and can't seem to give it up. He is working in the restaurant business and couch surfing and expecting my daughter to let him crash at her place while he eats all her food and does not contribute. He lived with me for two years until I moved out in the country. He did stay here for a week or so before my land lord told me he had to leave. While he was here he took over my bedroom sleeping in my bed watching the only tv I have and eating all the food. I felt guilty for telling him he had to go and he hasn't been back since though we are on good terms for the most part. Long story short, how do you detach or help other family members detach when it's your child you are trying to detach from?! The guilt that goes with that is tremendous. I worry about him and want to help him but I want to shake some sense into him and resent him for being irresponsible! Just had to vent. He is not affecting my life so much but he is disrupting my daughters life who lives with her young son and my ex husband. She pays rent and buys food to live there. My son thinks everyone owes him something. At a loss how to handle this.
Hi, suncatcher-

Can I ask why you felt guilty, telling him he had to go, while he was treating you with blatant disrespect?

I'm wondering if there are any issues going on, with you feeling guilty over some aspect of his upbringing (for example, some parents feel guilty over getting divorced, or some parents feel guilty if the other parent wasn't really in the child's life, etc)?

I don't have children, so all I can do is try to imagine, having never "been there".

I can understand feeling worried about telling him to get out in the sense that you may be concerned over how he's going to take care of himself, but being worried and feeling guilty are two different things, so I'm curious.

Just to clarify, your daughter lives with your ex, or your ex lives with your daughter (as in, whose place is it)?

How old is your daughter?

I can identify as far as my husband seems to think his family (and the world!) owes him something...it's impossible to get him to see otherwise, too...ugh.

As others have said he will have to find his way, but it's still hard for YOU to feel as you do. Maybe if you can figure out why you feel guilty, it will be a step towards not feeling guilty anymore.

I'm sorry you're upset and frustrated. I would be too.

Peace.
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Old 12-29-2013, 01:43 AM
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Some background info: I do have some guilt over the divorce that I wanted. The kids were all out on their own pretty much and my daughter and grandson were living with us. I do tell him when he is being disrespectful and he plays the victim like everyone blames him for things. He is the middle child. My daughter, grandson and ex husband moved into an apartment after the divorce. I got my own one room apt and went back to school for nursing. My daughter has a hard time making it on her own financially since she is paying back her student loans so she shares living expenses with my ex husband who is in disability. My kids had a good upbringing. No alcoholism or abuse we were a nurturing family. Alcoholism runs in ex husbands family though and my son started drinking in high school and then more so in college. I hoped it was a phase he would grow out of but clearly he is not going to any time soon. His money he makes goes to beer and pot. He doesn't pay his bills and seems content to just get by sleeping wherever he lands. He just got fired from another job for not showing up because he was hungover. I don't tolerate his disrespect but I do worry and wish I could help him . I hope this helps full in the gaps. Thank you all for posting and helping me sort things out.
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Old 12-29-2013, 06:26 AM
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suncatcher---It is tough when we see our kids behaving in ways that are detrimental. As parents, we want and dream of better for them. Also, I think whatever brings strife into our family hurts, also. I can understand that you are worried for him.....worry seems to come naturally for us mothers......

I think for us---with children of that age---we have got to get used to the concept that there some things that we have no control over (even though we would LOVE to).

I once had a conversation with a psychologist who, himself was a recovering alcoholic of a few years---and, he said to me that he had never, once, seen an alcoholic get sober while living in the parent's house. That has al ways stuck in my mind. I do believe that it is true.

The hard reality is that he will start taking care of himself when he has no other option.....and, he will deal with the drinking when he feels that he needs to. The best we can do is step out of the way and not enable them. Of course, you will still love him.
That never changes.

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Old 12-29-2013, 09:00 AM
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I went thru this with both of my adult children...son and daughter. In my experience the recovery is more dramatic than the fall. Your son apparently hasn't hit bottom. It took over five years for mine to hit. They were probably the worst five years of my life. My son was facing 10 years in prison before he realized he had a problem. My daughter had legal and financial problems in several states. (all this while my wife had relapsed). They all hit bottom at about the same time. It was the thud heard around the world. Detaching from our children is the hardest thing. I'm not sure I was very good at it, but I committed to being there for them when they decided they needed help. I don't have an answer for you, or any wisdom to share. I think the only thing that served me was patience. I just waited and took as good care of myself as I could. Today everyone is sober. Take care of yourself, and never give up hope.
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Old 12-29-2013, 06:08 PM
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Hi suncatcher. It's a very different and difficult thing when it's your child who is the alcoholic. I know how painful it is to watch your adult child ruin his,her life. My 22 year old son is a recovering A and it's honestly been the most difficult thing our family has had to deal with. We're told all our lives that good parents are there for their children no matter what, and therefore detachment sort of goes against the grain of everything we think we should do as parents. It took me awhile in AlAnon and counseling to understand that treating addiction is a whole different ballgame. what works for other diseases doesn't work for alcoholism. I was the queen of codependent moms before my son got sober. He was away at college when he hit his bottom and I really think he wouldn't have got there if he'd been living in the house with us. I would've made it too easy for him to continue in his alcoholic lifestyle, without even knowing I was doing it. We brought him home to stay with us after his hospital stay and he was with us the first 4 months of his recovery. I was a nervous wreck when he went back to college, as his school is known as a party school. But using what I'd learned in AlAnon I let him go back and so far he's done well. I've detached from trying to control his life and from doing those things he's perfectly capable of doing on his own. If he drinks, he drinks. It's his choice. But I know that if he makes that choice and relapses, he's on his own and he has to deal with the consequences. I'll always love him, more than anyone else in the world does, but I don't love some of the lifestyle choices he's made. Detachment actually is love in the case of an alcoholic or addict. It's tough love, and it's difficult for a parent to do, but it's the best thing a parent can do. Hang in there and know that you're not alone. I know how you feel. It's hard, but you can do it.
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Old 12-29-2013, 07:42 PM
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Update: came home from work this morning after working a 12 hour night shift to find my son here. Empty beer can on my floor, bowl on my bed, him sleeping on the couch. I was glad he was here and safe but now faced with is he going to get comfy here and think I'm going to let him stay here indefinitely? Tried talking to him calmly about his choices and how they are affecting his life. Quacking followed with grandiose comments: I'm doing great I love my life, I'm going to live like a Rock star blah blah blah... Finally gave up preaching and got some sleep myself. He's still here and I am enjoying his company watching Woodstock lol probably encouraging his habits but I love the music! I did not buy him beer when he asked though! Bought him a Pepsi I'm trying to not enable him but spend some time with him and hopefully give him some sound advice even if he chooses not to take it. I will keep you all posted and keep coming back to read the posts! Thank you for all your stories...I know I'm not alone
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Old 12-29-2013, 09:37 PM
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OnawaMiniya, I just wanted to answer one of your questions from your post earlier. My oldest d that lives with my ex husband is 27. My son is 26 and I also have another d 25 who is on her own since she was 18. Thanks for responding, I always enjoy your posts! Hoping you are feeling well today, fellow music lover take care!
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Old 12-29-2013, 09:56 PM
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suncatcher----about the rock star bit (LOL).....you can remind your son that Bruce Springsteen is a rock star---and he spent the early years sleeping under the boardwalks of Atlantic City wrapped in newspapers to stay warm--playing in the bars for work.

By the way--it doesn't matter what you did i n the past---there is no good reason to alter what you know are healthy boundaries for your child's own development. You must resist going on a guilt trip---and, above all--don't let him push your guilt buttons!!! Kids know our hot buttons well and they do not hesitate to use them!

Absolutely, you are entitled, as a parent to give him your best advice and to share your opinions with him. A little "preaching" won't kill him. It lets him know where you are coming from---he won't like it, no doubt--but, some of it might "stick" for later. Especially, sitting in your house!

I agree with you--regardless if he is "technically" an alcoholic or not---he is not on a good path, right now. It is pause for concern.

Hang in there---learn all you can and get support for yourself.

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Old 12-29-2013, 10:03 PM
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Hi sun
Yes detachment is the only way to go in my opinion & maintain your sanity. When you realise you are powerless over him, peace will flood your mind. That's what I learned w/ ex AW
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Old 12-29-2013, 10:15 PM
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Hi Dandylion! Thanks so much, you have been so helpful to me and I love the Bruce Springsteen story! I will enlighten him on that I feel like learning to detach from XAB has helped me interact with my son this time. I used to react and we would argue but so far I have not engaged him when he starts his crazy talk. I just stay calm and give my motherly advice but let him know its his choice to make. I will not buy beer for him or let him smoke in the house. If he wants to stay here he has to get a job and buy his own food if u don't have what he likes here. I'm on a budget myself and live modestly. We will see what tomorrow brings. He said he has an apartment with a friend but the friends gf had a baby and is in the hospital and he just hasn't gotten the key yet? Hmmmm no job no money but has an apartment. Says he can find a job no problem he's a rock star! Lol
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Old 12-29-2013, 10:32 PM
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suncatcher---I have been in your shoes many, many times--with the "you can stay here but you must have a job and no drinking while living here". It feels so reasonable the first day or two--and, it would be for a normally responsible person who just needs a temporary helping hand. But, in my experience, that plan with someone who has a problem with substances or is overly dependent and immature--that plan has m ore holes than a sieve.

I found that I became a reluctant police person---and, he found the most clever ways to get around the rules. Because of the parent-child relationship, there was increasing tension in the air--and arguments ensued--and, my tears followed. It always disintegrated into He**. And, trust me--you will get all the blame for any failure in the plan.

I hate to type these words--because I hate to rain on your parade. And, I do know how much fun it can be to have them in the house for the beginning. (if only it were a visit under more "normal" circumstances...sigh).

Please keep us posted. I want the very best for both of you. Many of us understand how hard this all is.

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Old 12-30-2013, 05:34 AM
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I'm with dandylion on this one.

He will most likely just take advantage of the situation even if not intentionally.
I would not let him stay with you at least until he first has a job and is contributing a fixed amount weekly without exception and buying his own food.

That actually helps him to be responsible for himself. Actions speak louder than words.

Unless your a Rockstar, of course .
But I'd hold out for that first royalty check. . .

I think you are going great on your own recovery, by the way!
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