itsme4help

Hi,
I posted this in the Newcomers section and was pointed to this section. Could use some help.

Our daughter is using drugs, it started with pot and has now moved to adderall and ecstasy. We have no idea how serious it is, can I really believe her if she tells me its "casual use", as if that is acceptable? We passed the point of casual in my opinion. Last year she went to a local counselor and I think it helped for a while but obviously wasn't a long term solution.

So, how do you find a treatment facility that will help her and we can be sure she's safe? We live in the NYC Metro area and hear good things about Four Winds. Looking on the internet I see St. Jude Retreats, 12-step, non-12-step, etc. I don't have a clue where to start.

We need to get our daughter somewhere, away from bad habits and "friends" so she can have some time to focus on herself with some professional help. She's 22 and think she knows she's going down the wrong path but needs some guidance we aren't providing. Thanks.

Kindeyes

How to find a good rehab is a real challenge....it's difficult to know which ones are good and which ones aren't so good. There are several different paths to recovery and it's hard to know which one will work for any given individual.

Personally I have seen great success through 12 step based recovery but many people don't understand it (even when they claim they do while they are making derogatory comments about it). But let's face it, some people are turned off by 12 step programs so I'm glad there are other alternatives. What will work for your daughter? No one knows.

Being the mother or father of an addict can make a parent crazy. Only someone experienced it can really understand it. I highly recommend that you seek help for yourself as well so that you can feel confident that you are providing healthy support and encouragement for your daughter (private counseling with therapist specializing in addiction, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, CoDA, are some places you can find support).

For what it's worth, my son has been through two out patient and three inpatient facilities. The last one was through The Salvation Army and it was by far the best for him (that's not my opinion....that's his opinion). Tough tough program but excellent.

As far as I'm concerned ANY exposure to recovery methods are valuable. But they will only get out of it what they put into it.

Lots of parents on here understand......you're not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Txhelp

I agree with kindeyes.....as along as they are willing to accept help and do the work-most any can be effective.

In my opinion.....the longer the program the better in most circumstances. 30 days is such a short time to change behaviors but it can very beneficial as a first step with followup outpatient programs; AA/NA; support programs. Rehab is just a first step.

For my children (young adults), I liked to look in a town a few hours away so that it wasn't easy to call a friend to "come home." Although, that's a good indication that they aren't ready! There are many good programs....free; sliding scale; expensive. Call an addiction counselor and see if they have referrals for your area?

starfish401

Kindeyes and Tx are spot on. As long as your daughter is willing and open to treatment and opening to do the work and take suggestions, then any treatment center you select can be useful.

What is your daughters take on all of this? Did she come to you asking for treatment, and tell you of her use? If she still thinks she's using casually (and maybe she is, who am I to judge) then she may not be ready to take the step inpatient. On the other hand, if she came to you, deep down she probably knows she needs help. Which is a great thing, and her chances at success greatly improve!

My suggestions on finding a treatment center would be to contact your insurance company first and see how they handle the treatment modalities: detox, residential, inpatient, PHP, IOP, outpatient, etc. Your insurance company should be able to refer you to some centers that they have a good relationship with. Arms Acres is located in Caramel, NY and I've heard lovely things about them.

If you don't have insurance or are paying out of pocket, there are some great "free" and "sliding scale" programs like Teen Challenge & Phoenix Houses. There are also relatively low cost rehabs out there, but they're not as advertised as the "fancy schmancy" ones. It just takes a bit of research and perseverance.

Again, welcome, and please keep us updated!

bigsombrero

This is probably the first question you'll need to ask yourself. And your daughter. Planning someone else's recovery doesn't usually work out the way you'd hope. The F&F folks might be able to shed some light on this, I think you came to the right place for advice.

needingabreak

Welcome to the board itsme. Our son went to inpatient rehab in California. We are on the East Coast and happened to find it through a friend of his who had also been to rehab. Before talking to his friend we had spoken to several people on drug addiction sites( I wish we had found this one much earlier!) and were told different things by two people on the same site. It only confused us more and made it much harder to know what was the best option for our son.

Our son told us at first it wasn't "that bad" and that he used "only once in awhile." Kids will tell you as little as possible and what they think you want to hear. Many times (not all) it is worse than we know. If your daughter is willing to go, I highly recommend it. We felt even if our son was not taking as much as we guessed he was, and even if he wasn't ready to admit it, even to himself, by going to rehab they would help him figure it all out as they were used to dealing with it.
We were overwhelmed by the help he received, the support we received and the way they handled each person individually. If you do decide on an inpatient rehab, please make sure it is one that deals in dual diagnosis. Also, the facility will do all the work in dealing with your insurance and getting your daughter approved.

My son went to the 30 day rehab and then did 30 more days out patient living in a sober house. I wish you the best of luck with your daughter and hope you can find the best solution for her. Being the parent of an addict is one of the worst things I have ever had to deal with. It is heart breaking as well as emotionally and physically draining. There are many parents here who will come along and give you more support and advice. Nar anon is a great resource for family of the addict to get help for themselves. We begin thinking only the addict needs help. You find as time goes along that we too need help with boundaries, co-dependency and support. A great book to read, if you like to read and have not already read it, is Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie. Hugs.

allforcnm

When I was looking for a rehab for my husband I recall what a confusing time it was; but there are guidelines out there from the National Institute of Drug Abuse that can help. I will provide a link to their site, and suggest you browse around as they have lots of info on drug abuse, how it affects the brain, treatment alternatives, online treatment finder, info for families - as well as patients. Principles of Effective Treatment | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

We chose a Non-12 step rehab for my husband that was based on private therapy. Sometimes these programs are referred to as psychotherapy, or evidence based programs. The goal was to seek and fix the underlying causes of addiction, teach cognitive & other behavioral approaches to keep addiction in remission, work on the overall person – coping mechanisms, stress management, and to make him self-sufficient in his recovery; so there was no need for an ongoing program like the 12 step for maintenance.

My husband’s rehab also offered a spiritual component to recovery through principles based on our Christian faith and access to regular church services while he was in inpatient. They also offered group activities & recreational activities for him, private counseling for me, marriage counseling for the both of us, follow up support when he left rehab, located and transitioned him to a local therapist for aftercare support (his rehab was out of state). In short his rehab was amazing & we will forever be grateful for their help.

He was there for 90 days due to a primary addiction to opiate based pain meds that started through a legitimate prescription but lasted over a year before we (myself, my parents, a doctor) encouraged the rehab, laid it all out in front of him, and all he had to do was say yes. He was not excited to go, threatened to leave a couple times while he was there; but a good rehab has people on staff who know how to lead people into the treatment, and keep them engaged. He will have 2 years free of substances in the Spring – we are incredibly proud of the hard work he has put in to regain his health.

Rehabs can do a lot, and they should be willing to talk to you in detail about what they offer, and answer your questions. Usually there is an assessment done before a person is admitted for treatment and it will help determine their treatment program, and if it can best be met through outpatient/inpatient. Our rehab helped us with all of the insurance issues. This was his first time in rehab & insurance did not want to pay for 90 day inpatient initially as they had a sort of tier structure to treatment; but the rehab did their magic and worked it all out somehow.

I am not personally familiar with the Four Winds rehab you mentioned but I went to what I think was their website in NY and it sounds like a good program; tailored to the individual’s specific needs, private therapy, they work with co-existing disorders if there are any. Those are the things I would look for. Also taking your daughters personality into consideration; what will engage her in treatment. If your able I would suggest getting her involved in the process so she feels a sense of control. My husband was not in a state of mind to sort through the choices. I narrowed them down and discussed them with him, and this brought him into the process, but he went with the one I thought was best in the end. Lol

I do know a family who used the St Jude Retreat you mentioned. They picked it for their daughter’s drug addiction. She did well there, the family had good things to say about it; she has been home now for several months and back in college.

itsme4help

No, my daughter didn't come to us for help. My wife and I have suspected she's been using again for about a month but we didn't have "hard" evidence. So, we'd ask, she'd deny - I didn't expect anything different but wanted to let her know we were watching closely. Yesterday we found what we expected with the added bonus she was selling drugs as well as using. Again, not a surprise as much as a disappointment. We've done in home drug testing but we're past that point now. If we have to monitor her at this age to that extent, we aren't helping in my opinion.

This problem started about two years ago. So, we've been through the in-home solutions and wasted a year with a counselor that we knew was wrong. We're offering rehab as the last ditch effort rather than just asking her to leave the home. That's next and we'll follow through if needed.

More than anything, I think inpatient rehab will give her time to sober up and time away from so called friends. I don't blame her friends, but, she's not going to get better hanging around the same bad habits. Then maybe some good advise about healthy sober living from someone other than her parents will sink in.

Does she think she has a problem? No clue, she'll tell us what she thinks we want to hear.

cleaninLI

Itsme4help, I think you are doing the right thing by offering impatient rehab. As you said it will get her away from people, places and things. Wether her use is "recreational" or an addiction makes no difference in my opinion. The point is she's using drugs. I've read it here many times and know from my own experience as well that the problem is many times greater than what is revealed to you. Throughout my own addiction my family knew about 20% of what was going on. Addicts are great at lying, minimizing and diverting attention. This behavior protects their addiction.

If you and your wife have not attended Al-anon or nar-anon meetings yet, it might be helpful to go sometime. You will meet many other parents of addicts who are going through what you are going through. You will get much needed support and information.

Well, I'm glad you are here with us. I wish you success with finding the right rehab for your daughter.

starfish401

How old is she, if you don't mind my asking? Selling drugs is risky business (as is doing drugs) - you now have to add potential police and law involvement into the equation. It's not a good thing.

Offering rehab versus leaving your home can be a surprisingly effective tool. It often gives the addict into a moment of clarity. Can she continue her use without having a bed to sleep in, a shower, a fridge full of food, a TV to watch, a computer to use, a car to drive, her loving family? Can she live without these creature comforts, all for a drug?

Although being forced into rehab can often cause an addict to harbor resentments, cause the addict to bide his/her time while in rehab so they can get home and use, etc. it's my opinion that "forced" treatment is better than no treatment at all. Who knows? Maybe (most likely) she will hear something in treatment that "clicks". She will more than likely meet addicts who have it much worse than her, forcing her to see the consequences of drug use firsthand. An ultimatum is better than nothing.

I suggest writing impact letters to your daughter when you suggest treatment. You, your wife, siblings... Sort of like a "mini-intervention." Use 'I' statements. Show how her using drugs has impacted you, mentally, physically, emotionally. We addicts are self-centered creatures; we often don't consider that we're harming others while we use. Impact letters can be extremely poignant.

As for rehab suggestions, I live on the East Coast, and I went to treatment across the country. To me, it was pivotal to get away from home; I knew nobody, I couldn't call a friend for a ride home... and I surely couldn't start walking home.

Best of luck, keep us updated. (((HUGS)))

Upsetnneedhelp

I think when it comes to rehabs the saying "you get what you pay for" should apply. It is better for a addict to attend a well known expensive rehab once then going in and out of a Salvation Army or state funded program. My ex-husbands friend attended Hazelton in MN and said it was worth the cost. He is clean and sober for almost 12 years.

dorton

You get out of rehab what you put into it. We paid 35,000.00 for a 3 month rehab and my son was using a week after getting out. As well as having learned a lot of new tricks. I think he would have gotten the same thing from a free rehab, not much! Because he didn't ask we forced it on him when he wasn't ready. Instead I'm working longer to pay off the refinancing on the house. It should have been paid off in May 2014 now it won't be paid off until April 2024. Good luck finding a good one.

itsme4help

22, I probably shouldn't have said that. In my experience, selling drugs is a common way addicts fund their addiction to drugs, gambling, etc. Yes, this takes it to an entirely new level legally but what worries me is that's she's taken that step which says to me this is more than casual use. I told her next time, I turn the drugs over to the police. I'd rather see her in jail than living the lifestyle of a user/dealer - yes, I'll do it.

I don't think we've completely lost her to drugs yet but she is definitely moving down that road. She still depends on us financially as she's in college with a part time job. Same thinking here, something is better than nothing and maybe being away from home and focusing on herself, something will sink in.

We've been speaking to several drug hotlines from the state and insurance. They're recommending a local facility for evaluation, then let them suggest the course of action. Local is better they say for follow-up outpatient care.

itsme4help

Sorry to hear that the rehab didn't work. I know the success rate is low because it is usually forced as you mentioned. Insurance will probably pick up some of the tab for this but we'll be on the hook for the rest of it.

So why are we forcing it knowing the success rate is low when someone is being coerced into going? Primarily, the only other choice is to have her leave and that can be really bad for her; as small of a chance as it is, its better than nothing.

KeepinItReal

In doing the research myself I have found that ANY 30 day rehab has a 1% - 10% success rate. This includes frequent flyers. (people who have been in and out numerous amounts of times) These success rates include people who are forced to go or go willingly. It's proven that it has the same effectiveness on people who are forced to go or go willingly. It depends on if the switch of accepting they have a problem actually switches on. People can go to any 30 day program and get through and STILL NOT admit to themselves that they have a problem.
I'm not saying that going is a bad thing.. but spending a fortune on a 30 day education isn't a guarantee on success.
Something must happen for her to realize she has a problem. Until that happens.. nothing anyone says to her will matter.
I'm an ex-partier and addict. Some of things I have done should have me locked up and the key thrown away. Fortunately I was never caught... and have a second chance. I have been sober for over 4 years. I'm so grateful for my life now.
If there is a way to corner her into mandatory drug counseling.. then do it that way first. She has to admit to herself she has a problem and wants to stop. It may or may not happen in a 30 day rehab. Only because others thought I had a problem didn't mean I believe them. If I was forced into a 30 day rehab I would still be using the day I came home. I had months of and months of withdrawls from coke. It just doesn't let you go in 30 days. It just doesn't work that way. Sorry.

dorton

Im sorry my response was more to the poster who said that you get what you pay for. I should have made that clear. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, only you can make that call. What I'm saying is that paying more doesn't always mean the facility is better. I wish we had taken more time to research and check with the insurance, etc. I don't regret sending my son to rehab because I think he would be dead now if we hadn't. But I do regret putting ourselves in such a deep hole when there are other options. Good luck.

starfish401

Unfortunately, I will have to disagree with this statement. I don't mean to be rude at all, it's just my opinion.

I've been on a few "treatment vacations" courtesy of my insurance company and father's retirement plan, and while the pools, massages, acupuncture, and gourmet food were nice... where was the (for lack of better words) punishment? Not that I think addicts should be punished for having an addiction, but sheesh, some of those rehabs were better than hotels I've stayed in on vacations! What addict is going to want to stay sober when they know they can go back for a 30, 60, 90, or 120 day stay in the lap of luxury to dry out, on their insurance companies dime? One of the centers I went to charged $45k if you paid in cash (they really wanted you to pay in cash...) - otherwise, if you utilized insurance benefits, they charged your insurer an astounding $80k!!! (THANK GOD for good insurance)! That's three years of college tuition!

Not that I didn't learn anything from the expensive rehabs - I certainly did. However, However, it didn't really "click" for me until I was in a bare bones, state funded detox, in the middle of Roxbury, Mass (read: very dangerous city). (Not that it matters anyway, because I did relapse after a pretty long continuous period of sobriety, but I digress.)

KeepinitReal - As for rehab success rates, a lot, if not all treatment centers, fudge their advertised success rates. Their success rate is based on the full continuum of care that they offer in their facility. So, for example, if a patient has been there for 30 days, and it is suggested to them that they step down into the rehab's sober living facility for another 60 days, and they don't do it and go home - they're not considered part of that "success rate." I also find success rates a little risqué because rehabs rely on self reporting. They'll usually call their ex-patients every six months or so, and ask, "Are you still sober?" I'm sure we all know how easily addicts lie... and who is going to want to admit firsthand to someone from their former rehab that treatment failed them?

Itsme - the fact that you are willing to put your daughter in jail shows that you love her unconditionally. You are unwilling to let her become a prisoner to this disease. I hope it doesn't have to come down to that, and she will agree to treatment first, but if you do have to send her to jail... she will realize one day that you were simply looking out for her best interests. Again, I wish you the best. Hopefully you can get her in somewhere soon to be evaluated!

KeepinItReal

I do agree it's up to the individual. I have had no in patient or out patient care and quit all by myself. I didn't use 12 steps on purpose but found myself using them... without knowing I was.
I just had a deep desire to stop. To get off of the drugs and stop the chaotic prison I was in. I wanted to be happy. Or better yet.. content.
So, I do believe that there are others like me.. who recovered without any intervention. However, I could have been locked up, died ... I was dumb.

Ann

The effectiveness of any rehab is directly related to the addict's willingness to change. That said, many go in kicking and screaming and still find something that makes them want to change their life.

The Salvation Army program is very good and is free. I'd try that one first.

However this unfolds please know that we are here for you.

Hugs from a mother of an addict who has been there, done that and owns more t-shirts than JC Penny.

hopeful4

I would say the only way to measure any treatment is how she feels about it. Unless she is ready to do this for HERSELF it will not be successful. I encourage you to go tour the facility and speak to other people there if possible and see how they feel about it. My AH went to a 30 day facility that was a utter and complete waste of money, I call it his little mini vacation. Does she have underlying issues or just addiction? In hindsight I realize we should have been looking for a dual-diagnosis facility that treats not only the addiction but the underlying reason you are self medicating, which is why most people abuse drugs/alcohol.

Good Luck and Many Blessings to you all!