Mizzuno

Ugh......
The wedding is coming so soon. On New Years Eve, I will be face to face with a person that I have no desire to be involved with at all. Forgiveness towards this person is not one of my strongest characteristic traits, especially when I went through serious hell with this person.

My mother, who called me a NARC when I was 10 because I wanted out of the drug infested environment that she was raising me in.

My mother, who told everyone that she is unable to get a job due to my stealing perfume from a store 18 years prior.

My mother, who abandoned me at 12 years old and left me to fend for myself which did not leave me without serious scars.

My mother who has never been in my life and never made any amends to bettering herself and her life.

my mother who had 6 children and used the child support to feed her addiction and I went without food, clothes, love, respect and any sort of chance of making it in the world as a child.

My mother who physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually hurt me.

Random emails would get sent out over the years and would circulate between the children, she always needed money for her insurance, her registration, always needing and never being available for any person. Never being a mother. Didnt she take enough? Years of child support that never went to the children.....And you ask for more help?

I am older now. 33 years old. Her presence is one that I could do without for the rest of my life. Every battle that I have ever had to fight has been without the person, the parents, that are meant to be there for you. Every last survival technique that I have used has been due to my own determination to make it in this world. Life is easier now. I am married. NO children. Two cats. Full time student. Worker. 10 months sober (this time around) I am very proud of myself. Very happy to be where I am. clothed, fed, housing, clean environment, nice things, more food than we need (one of my issues that there always has to be a lot of food)

When she picks up the phone she screams into the receiver "HELLO. HELLO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Loud, screaming, unwarranted anger that serves no purpose. Not knowing who is on the other end. Just screaming and its terrifying. (I only called over to my younger sisters to speak with my brother) She was living with my younger sister. Always living with someone. Her life statement is "Im just trying to get by. I dont know what to say to you. Im just trying to get by."

She was the first person I loved, and is the first person that I never want to set eyes on again.

My relationship with my little sister is one that is not close. We struggle. I am 10 years older. She was given up into CPS when I was 18 and from there I was never able to build a relationship with her. I tried, but she felt abandoned. She felt like the older siblings did not try. I did try to get custody of her. I was too young. I was having financial problems myself, and I was not able to take care of her at 18. I was not really even able to responsibly take care of myself.

My mother told me "I dont love you because I dont know how to love."

So, I am not writing this to make a big deal out of a really big deal. I am writing this because my stomach is in knots and I feel like I am making a seriously bad decision to attend this wedding. I know I have a choice, but I feel like my choice is that I attend this wedding for my sister. To make this struggling relationship less of a struggle and more of a priority.

Im not part of the wedding party. I get no special treatment. I think I was invited out of obligation. I do not get to sit in the family area, or at the tables with family.

I bought a dress. I have shoes. I will attend.

I will watch from a distance. I have been talking about this with my husband, my cats, my MIL. I have been preparing myself. It is not just "my mother." It is not so simple. I wrote of this before, and I appreciate all the replies. Its ugly. Thank you for not judging me. I just need some support. No intentions of drinking or sabotage.

This is my sisters day. I cried yesterday feeling overwhelmed. My mother terrorized me.

Addiction is a family disease in some cases. My whole family was destroyed. Here i am on a recovery site telling strangers about my inner most struggles. So, I am vulnerable. It's just not so simple. Its just not a wedding. Yet, it is a wedding. Her second wedding. Whatever. My thoughts are random.

Its been 8 years since I saw her. 7 since we really spoke. Ugh.... This diatribe sucks. Anyways, so addiction can destroy everything. It has been around me my whole entire life. I get to walk into where it all began with my family....... I am preparing myself. Preparing by talking and breathing.

deeker

mizzuno, don't know what to say. But if you choose to go, maybe just make it short and sweet. Wish ur sister well and leave. ur sister will be so busy greeting guests anyway. Sounds like it would not be the best place for you to be. So sorry to hear your story it is heart breaking . I am really proud of you too!

Try not to get into it with her cuz you know it won't solve anything and just stress u out more. Sending a prayer ur way.

suki44883

((((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry you were treated this way by your own mother. If I could have one wish in the world, it would be that every child was wanted, loved and cherished by their parents.

I can understand why you feel you should go to the wedding. I'm going to make a suggestion, which you can take or leave, but it's what I would probably do in your position. Go to the wedding. Sign the guest book. Sit close to the back of the church(?), then after the service, if you are able to, speak your congratulations to the happy couple and then leave. If you can't speak with her, then just leave. Avoid the mother at all costs.

Mizzuno

I know its heavy and there is not much to say with this. I plan to appear and then disappear. My story is a story of a intergenerational family addiction. It is not one that is easily typed out and not one that most people endure. I dont carry this on my sleeve. I dont share this all that much. Thank you for your reply. Yes, I think in and out quickly will be the best. I have no intentions of speaking to my bio-mother but I can not pretend I am deaf, mute, and blind. I am able to breathe and this is what I will do breathe. My husband will introduce himself to her so that I do not have to address her. I plan on not causing any drama. None. No drama.

EndGameNYC

In this one case, she's telling you the truth. Without getting into years of personal and professional experience, I can assure you that she's not the only one.

Rather than worrying yourself over the reality that you either cannot or will not forgive her (and I'm not certain that this is what you're doing), treat her as the very sick person she is and, clearly, always has been. Neither of you, obviously, can redo the past.

On your own, you've managed to overcome an unimaginably abusive upbringing that lingers and sometimes insinuates itself in the present. You've resurrected your life in spite of your mother's ongoing abusive behavior. This is your redemption, your salvation.

Things could be much worse; as in, your roles could be reversed.

Mizzuno

Yes, Deeker implied the same thing. I was running around in circles in my head about the reception and how I was going to maintain my composure. I think not attending the reception is best. My younger sister has been talking on Facebook about the cost of everything and the head count, and how much each person costs with food. (Personally, I think she should keep all that to herself) I am feeling obligated to partake of all that she has paid for. I have never spoken with my sister about my relationship with my mother. If she asks then I will answer. She has never asked. My sister has some sort of dysfunctional relationship with my bio-mother and I have kept the terror to myself.
I will leave right after the ceremony.

JackieC

Mizzuno,
Sending you so many hugs. I'm heartbroken for you but am so proud of you. You have risen above the ashes and I cannot imagine the strength of heart and mind that must have taken.

I second what the others said about the wedding. Sign the book, stand near the back and go give the couple a hug afterward and leave. I also think that if you need to go for YOU, then go. But if you are going for them, they who are making the decision to not let you be a part of the family seating or wedding party, then let that go. The only thing you owe to anyone in this scenario is what you owe to yourself.

Please know that we are supporting you and wishing you well.

Anna

Mizzuno,

I'm so sorry that there is so much pain in your past, and I'm so glad that you have gotten to where you are right now.

To be honest, I would not go. I do understand you wanting to build some sort of relationship with your sister, but it doesn't have to be now and it doesn't have to be when your mother is present. You could set up a meeting months down the road, just the two of you? If you do go, as you said 'in and out'.

foolsgold66

I'm not in contact with my mother either, I won't go into reasons. It really sounds like you are pretty much forcing yourself to go.

Mizzuno

Ah, yes. I suppose the roles could be reversed. I am so thankful to have not turned into what I was shown. But i did in part. I too suffer from addiction, hence the reason I am on a recovery forum. The years of therapy that I put myself into never prepared me for the "meeting." I had vowed in therapy to never speak or look at her again. I do understand her being unable to love due to not being loved. The adult in me understands. She told me about the lack of love when she was high as a kite on Meth. The child of me, the abandoned part, does not understand this sentiment. Its not that I am not able to forgive her, or unwilling. ......I find that forgiveness on this level means that she is never in my life again, no more damage. No more harm. This is how I was able to move on. I walked away completely. So, my salvation is the fact that despite the hell that I went through (including my bio-father who should be imprisoned for his behaviors) I made it, or in part made something of me. I am still working on this. I guess I have a lot of residual $hit that has come up. I fear I can not do this wedding.

Mizzuno

On a different note. I feel safe here and this is why I have shared my struggle. I appreciate the tenderness that has been given. I do not fear talking of this all that much. I am a child of addiction. So, sometimes the addiction path can take a very rough rough turn. Like bottle of the barrel type turn. I hope this can help someone and in turn I am being supported. Thank you.

Fandy

Go to church, hug your sister and congratulate her on her day, snap a pic as she comes down the steps.
skip the reception as they havent included you with the family, and by all means dont engage with your mother. You can be polite nod and get the hell away from her.
since you are wearing a nice outfit, maybe you and hubby can go have a quiet dinner and decompress after, pick a nice place, treat yourself, talk it out and then put this out of your head if it gets you overly upset.

PurpleKnight

That's pretty heavy indeed, no wonder your stomach is in knots!!

On the practical side of weddings, (if you do decide to go) there are always plenty of people to chat to, it's very easy to avoid certain people at weddings, the day itself is full of activity and then you get to choose who you want to mingle with and socialise with.

But the decision is yours!!

JackieC

Mizzuno,
This thread made me think of one of my very favorite C.S. Lewis quotes about courage:

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at the testing point, which means at the point of highest reality."

You have been so courageous for so long. If you don't want to go to the wedding, don't go to the wedding. In fact, go with your husband and do something else entirely, something both of you find peace and joy in. It's okay.

Whatever you decide, we are all here for you and appreciate your candor in all this.

Jackie

Mizzuno

Thank you Jackie. The candor is just simply what it is. I did not come to the forum for my own struggle solely. I have lived with addiction for so long in so many different forms. This is what this forum is about in some respects. If its not, then I may have gotten the picture wrong. The perseverance was out of necessity and nothing more. I am here on this planet to learn.
This is my choice. I do understand that. I knew of my mothers attendance to the wedding months after I was invited. I am forcing myself to go and also trying to have some sort of relationship with a family member. For some reason there is importance in not letting my little sister down. I will sit in the back of the room and then leave. When I write of this now, at this moment, I am calm. I am not freaking out per say. I just know that If I don't talk I will be a mess.

DoubleDragons

I am sending you love, peace, prayers and strength. My husband and I come from dysfunctional backgrounds. I am extremely proud of our marriage and our children's upbringing, so far. (three of them are teenagers) So, I have tried to use our (mine and my husband's) hurts as a springboard as to what I don't want for the future generations of our family. So far, with a lot of help from above and within, I think we have done a pretty good job. It is my greatest satisfaction that I have turned the bad into a blessing.

Go to the ceremony. Focus on love and peace for your sister and your family's generations to come, then go home and take good, loving care of yourself. I, too, have mothered my baby sister my whole life, because my mother "couldn't." It is time we learn to mother our own inner children and give them the time and attention that they need and know that in the end, there is something bigger than all of us, taking care of putting it all back together the way it should be.

overit263

I think you're doing a phenomenal job. My parents are abusive alcoholics and they are only allowed to communicate with me via email. It's sad when you're own parents bait you. Where my upbringing wasn't as severe as yours, I had a sister that got everything she ever wanted and I was treated like the hated child. I still get treated like that in my mid 30's so I refuse to have a phone conversation unless it's incredibly important, and she's usually drunk when that happens so she doesn't know what my phone number is. I don't really communicate with most of my family. What I do is remind myself that my mother is sick. She's sick and has no desire to get better. I don't blame her for this, it was her choice to spend her life this way. Do I have to stay in touch with her - no. I don't feel any guilt for not subjecting myself to any more abuse. Do what you need to do for you. Show up, say congrats and leave if that's what you need to do for your mental health and sobriety!

DoubleDragons

I put someone's signature in my sobriety journal today. I think it is credited to Annie Lamott but I could be wrong. I hope this helps:

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.

HeadLump

((((hugs)))) to you, Mizzuno. I don't have any wisdom for you, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and that you'll be fully supported here whatever you decide

Mizzuno

I love this. I heard this from Oprah.....Although, she was not the author. I'll take your word for it that Annie Lamott is the author. That sounds fine by me. I sure do love Oprah though. Her spirit has inspired me on many many occasions. Yes, giving up the hope of having had a better past. Yes, this is forgiveness.

I do not wish for anything different regarding my past. I worked through and sorted the garbage. I now have piles that have been left untouched that I walk by randomly peeking into. Facing the bio mother is one of the pieces that I have walked by a million times. I think the pile has been named "I'll get to that on my death bed. Or never is fine!"

So, I found a way to forgive by disowning that which never was. I had to reinvent what a mother looked like, acted like, and could be. Normalcy has never made any sense. Mothers have always confused me. I will never be a mother to anyone. The cycle stops here.