First Dates in 20 Years
Lord Have Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
First Dates in 20 Years
Hello:
I have been round and round with one woman for 20 years, my XAW from whom I am now divorced. I've been moved out for over 18 months while still quite involved with logistics like finalizing the divorce, selling out house, and getting her into an apartment. She continues to drink and comes close to dying in a hospital 1-2x per year.
The point of this post, is to say thank you SR for highlighting a e book called Releasing a Person by Kathryn Allen, which is on Amazon. I downloaded it and read the short book, including:
- writing down my misconceptions about love and relationships (ie love hurts, love lies, love is not faithful) on pieces of paper and then burning the paper
- meeting with her in my mind, saying what I needed to say, and saying "I release you to your greater good" which for me means the hands of God because I am a Christian (the book is more new age but whatever). I cried for like an hour. Good byes are sad.
- starting a soul mate journal with thoughts of what my real soul mate looks like.
- opening my heart to love
So the key breakthrough was realizing XAW is not, was not, my soul mate. Soul mates don't make you feel like crap for 3 years straight. Quite a realization but it was actually the first time I was like, what the heck have I been thinking and how long am I supposed to hold onto this person?
So I had been shut down from women and love for 2 years, zero, and I have not been with any woman but XAW in 20 years.
And now everything has changed. Totally changed. Like night and day. In less than 3 weeks.
With my heart open for love, I joined 2 online dating sites and put up a heartfelt and honest profile, emphasizing my goal of finding some who is strong, smart, funny, easy going, responsible and Christian. From that moment forward I have been floating around like a teenage boy who is getting to take one of the pretty girls to prom.
I have had 3 dates with a 4th lined up, I have a date for New Year's Eve and my outlook on life and love has gone from zero to sixty. Probably more than 60 because I am feeling things like a pounding heart and sweaty palms, that I haven't felt in years, and I am enjoying the heck out of it.
It all started one one day 3 weeks ago, reading SR. Thank you SR, what would I do without you!
I have been round and round with one woman for 20 years, my XAW from whom I am now divorced. I've been moved out for over 18 months while still quite involved with logistics like finalizing the divorce, selling out house, and getting her into an apartment. She continues to drink and comes close to dying in a hospital 1-2x per year.
The point of this post, is to say thank you SR for highlighting a e book called Releasing a Person by Kathryn Allen, which is on Amazon. I downloaded it and read the short book, including:
- writing down my misconceptions about love and relationships (ie love hurts, love lies, love is not faithful) on pieces of paper and then burning the paper
- meeting with her in my mind, saying what I needed to say, and saying "I release you to your greater good" which for me means the hands of God because I am a Christian (the book is more new age but whatever). I cried for like an hour. Good byes are sad.
- starting a soul mate journal with thoughts of what my real soul mate looks like.
- opening my heart to love
So the key breakthrough was realizing XAW is not, was not, my soul mate. Soul mates don't make you feel like crap for 3 years straight. Quite a realization but it was actually the first time I was like, what the heck have I been thinking and how long am I supposed to hold onto this person?
So I had been shut down from women and love for 2 years, zero, and I have not been with any woman but XAW in 20 years.
And now everything has changed. Totally changed. Like night and day. In less than 3 weeks.
With my heart open for love, I joined 2 online dating sites and put up a heartfelt and honest profile, emphasizing my goal of finding some who is strong, smart, funny, easy going, responsible and Christian. From that moment forward I have been floating around like a teenage boy who is getting to take one of the pretty girls to prom.
I have had 3 dates with a 4th lined up, I have a date for New Year's Eve and my outlook on life and love has gone from zero to sixty. Probably more than 60 because I am feeling things like a pounding heart and sweaty palms, that I haven't felt in years, and I am enjoying the heck out of it.
It all started one one day 3 weeks ago, reading SR. Thank you SR, what would I do without you!
Lord Have Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
It is 4 different women which is going to raise some other challenges about honesty and boundaries, but that would be another post entirely. And I am finding them all fascinating each in their own way. I am looking for a girlfriend eventually, how I might get there is going to be interesting especially since I have no idea how anything works, and Lord knows as a Codie I don't want hurt anyone's feelings.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 324
Brilliant!
One of my biggest fears about AW going in 3 weeks is being alone forever!
After 21 years with the same person is easy to think my "romantic" life is over at 40......stuff like this gives me great hope for future happiness.
One of my biggest fears about AW going in 3 weeks is being alone forever!
After 21 years with the same person is easy to think my "romantic" life is over at 40......stuff like this gives me great hope for future happiness.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by djayr 
It is 4 different women which is going to raise some other challenges about honesty and boundaries, but that would be another post entirely. And I am finding them all fascinating each in their own way. I am looking for a girlfriend eventually, how I might get there is going to be interesting especially since I have no idea how anything works, and Lord knows as a Codie I don't want hurt anyone's feelings.
A confused customer/client is difficult to move forward.
Carry on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
This is so awesome to read! I remember when my dad died 2 years ago and his wife was such a mess. She was 62 and feeling her age after helping my father through his battle of 2 years coming near death so many times until the tumor finally took him.
9 months after his death she joined a dating site and has dated about 3-4 men so far, sometimes 2 or 3 at a time. She's having the time of her life and she's being honest with them about them not being the only guy she's going out with. It's funny because my dad was an alcoholic and the first guy she met on the dating site was an alcoholic who had just gotten his 90 day chip so she would go to AA meetings with him and go to restaurants that didn't serve alcohol since he was so early in his recovery. I'd talk to her about Al Anon and she'd tell me about AA.
Anyway, I hope you find joy and fun and all the good stuff that comes with dating. So happy for you!!!
9 months after his death she joined a dating site and has dated about 3-4 men so far, sometimes 2 or 3 at a time. She's having the time of her life and she's being honest with them about them not being the only guy she's going out with. It's funny because my dad was an alcoholic and the first guy she met on the dating site was an alcoholic who had just gotten his 90 day chip so she would go to AA meetings with him and go to restaurants that didn't serve alcohol since he was so early in his recovery. I'd talk to her about Al Anon and she'd tell me about AA.
Anyway, I hope you find joy and fun and all the good stuff that comes with dating. So happy for you!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Now this to me is a great success story because it's all about you coming out healthy on the other side...I'm so happy for you and wish you lots of happiness and serenity in your new life.
For me the stories that inspire me are ones like this where the healing is done with self...they have nothing to do with what the A is doing and whether the person stayed or left....I hope I'm at this point in 2014! I've started dating but not seriously yet as I'm still working through some stuff on the parent front....but I feel I'm almost ready.
For me the stories that inspire me are ones like this where the healing is done with self...they have nothing to do with what the A is doing and whether the person stayed or left....I hope I'm at this point in 2014! I've started dating but not seriously yet as I'm still working through some stuff on the parent front....but I feel I'm almost ready.
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