Ridiculous night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Ridiculous night
Well on my 48th day sober now. Glad to be home in bed at my dads house.
Because EARLIER I went to a bar, ordered water. Trying to talk to a girl but just ate.
Went to another bar, ordered a beer, then looked for a girl but just went to the loo and threw the drink away.
Ordered a NA beer at another place, poured it out and drove home.
Before all that I bought some cool clothes (hello green pants) and wanted to ask the girl working the counter out on a date. She seemed to like me.
Going to a meeting in the morning. I am 28 and feel like I will never be with a woman again. I need a female friend.
What is wrong with me? I think it is time for me to go back home.
Because EARLIER I went to a bar, ordered water. Trying to talk to a girl but just ate.
Went to another bar, ordered a beer, then looked for a girl but just went to the loo and threw the drink away.
Ordered a NA beer at another place, poured it out and drove home.
Before all that I bought some cool clothes (hello green pants) and wanted to ask the girl working the counter out on a date. She seemed to like me.
Going to a meeting in the morning. I am 28 and feel like I will never be with a woman again. I need a female friend.
What is wrong with me? I think it is time for me to go back home.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
48 Days is fantastic!! . . . Great job on passing up having a drink on 3 occasions in 3 seperate bars, that took strength and courage.
On the female front, I'd say relax, having a few conversations with a girl completly Sober is the first step, that's something most of us needed a drink for before even going near a girl to chat to, so your on the right path, the longer your Sober the confidence in yourself will come, and I'm sure the females amongst us will back me up and say that's what will eventually attract someone into your life! . . . hang in there!!
On the female front, I'd say relax, having a few conversations with a girl completly Sober is the first step, that's something most of us needed a drink for before even going near a girl to chat to, so your on the right path, the longer your Sober the confidence in yourself will come, and I'm sure the females amongst us will back me up and say that's what will eventually attract someone into your life! . . . hang in there!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I had to get myself together before I had anything to offer anyone else Ach.
I know you're lonely but honestly? hanging around in bars right now is only going to make you miserable, or even worse, drunk again.
D
I know you're lonely but honestly? hanging around in bars right now is only going to make you miserable, or even worse, drunk again.
D
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
If you meet a woman in a bar , they will probably be the kinda woman who likes going out to bars .
If you bring more women into you social life , you will be more likely to meet nice ones who are available , it would also be a laugh
What can you do where you live to meet and get social , where the focus aint drinking ?
10 pin bowls ? hiking clubs ? spinning classes ? weight watchers .. gym , art classes ,
One thing i would caution about is that in sobriety we are changing rapidly and learning a lot about ourselves , so someone who might be right for us this month might not be next month … It is a lot of entanglement and distraction from dealing with ourselves and working out our own emotions ..
acceptance that for the moment that the HP was not going to give me someone to be with was more useful to my sobriety than me prowling about trying to force the situation with people .
Bestwishes, m
If you bring more women into you social life , you will be more likely to meet nice ones who are available , it would also be a laugh
What can you do where you live to meet and get social , where the focus aint drinking ?
10 pin bowls ? hiking clubs ? spinning classes ? weight watchers .. gym , art classes ,
One thing i would caution about is that in sobriety we are changing rapidly and learning a lot about ourselves , so someone who might be right for us this month might not be next month … It is a lot of entanglement and distraction from dealing with ourselves and working out our own emotions ..
acceptance that for the moment that the HP was not going to give me someone to be with was more useful to my sobriety than me prowling about trying to force the situation with people .
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 297
I would also caution against meeting women at bars. Obviously they are drinkers and you might be setting yourself up for a relapse if you hit it off with someone who will expect that you also drink (since you met at a bar).
I'll be honest. As a bartender for 13 years, I have seen very very few worth-while relationships develop between people who met while drinking. I have seen countless dysfunctional ones though. Often between people who would never be together if they didn't have drinking in common.
I agree though that there are many better places to meet women than a bar. If you look for women in the drinking culture you are trying to get away from, you will make it very easy to fall back into old patterns.
I'll be honest. As a bartender for 13 years, I have seen very very few worth-while relationships develop between people who met while drinking. I have seen countless dysfunctional ones though. Often between people who would never be together if they didn't have drinking in common.
I agree though that there are many better places to meet women than a bar. If you look for women in the drinking culture you are trying to get away from, you will make it very easy to fall back into old patterns.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,011
Hey Ach
Well done on throwing away the drinks. Revisiting old stomping grounds probably isnt the greatest action to take so it might be wise to steer clear of any place that primarily serves alcohol such as bars, pubs,clubs, etc. Maybe you can rewire your brain and think of alternative ways of meeting women. The suggestions before such as matching your hobbies to a club are good ideas. Keep going, 48 days is awesome !
Well done on throwing away the drinks. Revisiting old stomping grounds probably isnt the greatest action to take so it might be wise to steer clear of any place that primarily serves alcohol such as bars, pubs,clubs, etc. Maybe you can rewire your brain and think of alternative ways of meeting women. The suggestions before such as matching your hobbies to a club are good ideas. Keep going, 48 days is awesome !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Yes I agree with the advice. See I never dated. I found someone and just latched onto them for years without considering their motives, etc. now I have been alone for a year and I have no idea how to date or get laid. One night of no strings sex would make me feel better. So yes, I suppose I am trying to fill the void with sex, but gosh darnit I am a mammal. Still SO grateful to have my sobriety. Going to head back home and get around my home group and AA friends.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
Maybe your higher power wants you to date yourself for a while and not "latch on" to the first thing with female parts? I would enjoy this time to relax, restore, and rejuvenate. Kind of hard to be a great partner when you are running around pondering a drink. Your sobriety is very new - don't you deserve a solid foundation before you build a great fulfilling relationship? I'm in a relationship now (got engaged while I was actively drinking) I know super stupid. My partner is great, but there are days I feel guilty because I go to meetings, need time to rest, work - I feel I'm neglecting him. But I have laid the ground rules, my recovery comes first, which he fully supports. I think being alone would not be so bad, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself!! P.S. meeting a girl at a bar, hmmmm not something I would recommend for a recovering alcoholic. It WILL cause problems. A friend of mine in AA - her husband's drinking has went into OVERDRIVE since she entered rehab/recovery 6 months ago (at his insistence go figure). Now she is having to leave the house with the kids, because she is not equipped to handling his drinking sprees and is pondering divorce. Find out who you ARE first, then you can compliment someone with a relationship, not depend on them. You're doing awesome Ach.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
In my 20's I met guys in a lot of places (ok that doesn't sound good 
) but never in a bar. At a Dale Carnegie class, on a train, at work, at a friend's house. The relationships that ended up going beyond a first date were usually the guys I met by accident when I wasn't looking. I spent my 20's in NYC and whenever I would go out to a barwith my pack of girlfriends I felt like we had signs flashing over our heads .."LOOKING FOR MEN, LOOKING FOR MEN".
I think taking a class or joining a group doing something you are interested in is the best way to meet people. It might not even be directly…you might make a new friend who has a sister or a cousin. 3 of the women who I hung out with ended up meeting their husbands on an online dating site. So it's not you…these were amazing attractive women who after 20 years in a huge city like New York didn't meet anyone.
It's a great time of year to enroll in something..a cooking class, a dance class, an investment club, photography class. And now that you will be sporting those green pants…watch out ladies.
Learning something new is a win win…worst case you develop a new passion and make some friends. And congrats on your 48 days Ach….way to go!
) but never in a bar. At a Dale Carnegie class, on a train, at work, at a friend's house. The relationships that ended up going beyond a first date were usually the guys I met by accident when I wasn't looking. I spent my 20's in NYC and whenever I would go out to a barwith my pack of girlfriends I felt like we had signs flashing over our heads .."LOOKING FOR MEN, LOOKING FOR MEN". I think taking a class or joining a group doing something you are interested in is the best way to meet people. It might not even be directly…you might make a new friend who has a sister or a cousin. 3 of the women who I hung out with ended up meeting their husbands on an online dating site. So it's not you…these were amazing attractive women who after 20 years in a huge city like New York didn't meet anyone.
It's a great time of year to enroll in something..a cooking class, a dance class, an investment club, photography class. And now that you will be sporting those green pants…watch out ladies.
Learning something new is a win win…worst case you develop a new passion and make some friends. And congrats on your 48 days Ach….way to go!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Ach, I can't give you much better advice than what's already been given. I totally get what you're feeling, though. In the first few months of my sobriety I wanted to focus on anywhere (and anyone else) but me. I had ended a long term relationship six months prior and suddenly, sober, I was extremely lonely. No, I didn't want another relationship but I did want something "else." Not sure what that "else" was but it was probably a mixture of the things you mention above.
But Dee and everyone else is right. I had nothing to offer anyone else but some broken down, not-very-confident, angry version of me. I had no idea who I was anymore and I was hoping someone else could tell me. Maybe through sex, maybe through just a few dates, maybe...
I am so freakin' glad today that never happened. I know for certain that "just sex" or "just a date" is rarely that, especially for those of us who are fragile in early recovery. I also know now that I could not have stayed sober these past 10 and a half months if I didn't get to know myself much better, as sh!tty as that was sometimes. And I am still at it...still working on it.
So I think if you want sobriety more than anything (and you should after all) that has to be your EVERYTHING for at least a year or so.
Just my opinion.
Oh, and stay the hell out of bars, man! You crazy??
Hang in there, it will get better. You're doing awesome.
But Dee and everyone else is right. I had nothing to offer anyone else but some broken down, not-very-confident, angry version of me. I had no idea who I was anymore and I was hoping someone else could tell me. Maybe through sex, maybe through just a few dates, maybe...
I am so freakin' glad today that never happened. I know for certain that "just sex" or "just a date" is rarely that, especially for those of us who are fragile in early recovery. I also know now that I could not have stayed sober these past 10 and a half months if I didn't get to know myself much better, as sh!tty as that was sometimes. And I am still at it...still working on it.
So I think if you want sobriety more than anything (and you should after all) that has to be your EVERYTHING for at least a year or so.
Just my opinion.
Oh, and stay the hell out of bars, man! You crazy??
Hang in there, it will get better. You're doing awesome.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Acheleus 
I am 28 and feel like I will never be with a woman again. I need a female friend.
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
Work on your recovery. Get secure in who you are and the rest will fall in line. Desperation isn't attractive. Confidence is.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Edwardsville, IL
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by Dee74
I had to get myself together before I had anything to offer anyone else Ach.
I know you're lonely but honestly? hanging around in bars right now is only going to make you miserable, or even worse, drunk again.
D
I know you're lonely but honestly? hanging around in bars right now is only going to make you miserable, or even worse, drunk again.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
At some point, you're probably going to have to face your sobriety with a heart break. For that reason, I agree with everyone on waiting and working on you more first. What I'm not sure of- where that line is, by which to measure your "readiness" to enter a dating relationship. I think AA suggests a year. I don't know if that's too long or short of a time. Everyone is so different. If you don't think you can handle a heart break while remaining sober- you probably aren't ready. I'm almost at a month and know for sure I couldn't handle a heart break and remain sober this soon. But, that's me.
All my best.
All my best.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Great advice here Ach.
If building a relationship is like building a house, I was always trying to build a relationship roof first.
We all need to have a solid foundation first if the relationship is going to work.
I could have hurt a whole lot less people if I'd realised that back then....
D
If building a relationship is like building a house, I was always trying to build a relationship roof first.
We all need to have a solid foundation first if the relationship is going to work.
I could have hurt a whole lot less people if I'd realised that back then....
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Acheleus it's highly unlikely you are going to find anything or anyone who is going to contribute to your sobriety and well being in a bar. How would you handle a relationship at the moment with all that you have going on? Importantly, what can you offer the person in a relationship at the moment? As for sex, there are ways and means if you choose to follow non-relationship options.
A while back I suggested a list of things I thought you had going for you in your life, why not work on those in conjunction with your sobriety?
A while back I suggested a list of things I thought you had going for you in your life, why not work on those in conjunction with your sobriety?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
A good way to make friends (males and females) is by doing activities.
Is there anything you like to do? Meetup.com is a great place and you will get to meet new people with whom you have things in common.
If you were just plain horny and looking to pick up an easy woman, I would suggest that you spend the money and hire an escort instead. It will be much safer for your sobriety and far less messy: you pay her for services, she delivers and you part. No other expectations, no drama and probably healthier than going with someone who is drunk and might not be very careful.
Is there anything you like to do? Meetup.com is a great place and you will get to meet new people with whom you have things in common.
If you were just plain horny and looking to pick up an easy woman, I would suggest that you spend the money and hire an escort instead. It will be much safer for your sobriety and far less messy: you pay her for services, she delivers and you part. No other expectations, no drama and probably healthier than going with someone who is drunk and might not be very careful.
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